The Lion King, Unseen and Uncut!
by tearthgrrl
Summary: Sequel to "Cash Goes in, or Blood Comes Out". Timon has an idea to get himself and Pumbaa out of jail. But is jail worse than the consequences he will undoubtedly face when his little "get rick quick scheme" gets out of hand?
1. Jail Birds

Well with "A Trio's Eye View: Part I" complete, I have time to work on some other fics. And luckily for you readers, I decided to make that sequel to "Cash Goes in, or Blood Comes Out"! And unlike its two past brethren, it's not a oneshot; upcoming chapters as far as they can go! I really think you'll like it, but even if you don't, you can tell me all about it in your reviews!

* * *

(Cut to a prison cell with two benches on opposite sides. On one is an aardvark playing a harmonica, on the other is a meerkat and warthog. All three cellmates are wearing orange jumpsuits. The meerkat and warthog are resting their heads on their hands with their elbows on their knees)

Timon: (sighs) I tell ya Pumbaa, this is about as low as the two of us can sink.

Voice outside the cell: Just whadda you think you're doing? (the two look outside to see the guards, a hippo and crocodile, fighting)

Crocodile: I said that was a straight flush!

Hippo: And I say, for the 8 billionth time, WE'RE PLAYING "GO FISH"! (they both start tussling because of the card game; the inmates watch for awhile, before going back to their usual business)

Timon: Yep, the system ain't what it used to be.

Pumbaa: But they gave us a fair trial Timon; we even got that lioness lawyer who helped put away Scar!

Timon: Yeah, but the jury was made up of all the animals who got robbed at the bank! Besides, Simba's uncle broke out the same day he got in.

Pumbaa: But already they're searching the whole region for him. Along with that lioness…lady of the evening, and those three hyenas who seem to run the slum part of town, and almost eat you on numerous occasions.

Timon: (shuddering) Don't remind me. (folds his arms behind his head and stares unhappily up at the ceiling, until after a moment, he suddenly jumps up from the bench) Hey, wait a second! If those real, actual, criminals can break outta jail, why can't we? Or to be more direct: why shouldn't we? (Timon jumps back onto the bench, then onto Pumbaa's head, then up to a window in the cell with four iron bars. He grabs one bar in each hand and starts to pull, but it isn't very effective. However Timon refuses to give up and continues. Pumbaa, who is watching, shakes his head. The aardvark continues to play sad music on his harmonica. Finally, after about two minutes, Timon falls back to the concrete floor in an exhausted heap) There's gotta be an easier way to do this.

Pumbaa: Wouldn't it be more simple and less exhausting to just ride out our sentence like a couple of good convicts? (Timon gets up)

Timon: First of all; there's no such thing as good convicts. Second of all, WE NEVER DID ANYTHING TO LAND OURSELVES HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! And last of all, no. I thought for sure, because we were movie stars, we'd be outta here faster than France Anthill on a DUI! **(A/N** Think about it, France Anthill, who does that remind you of?) It happens to all the other celebrities! I could practically hear our fans strongly protesting our unfair arrest, but did I see any? No!

Pumbaa: It could've been that the day we got arrested was a school day.

Timon: What does that have to do with anything?

Pumbaa: We're mostly popular among young children and the adolescent. (Timon furrows his brow) And I doubt anybody would've listened to them protest anyway.

Timon: Quiet Pumbaa I'm thinking! (looks in thought for a few seconds, then quickly snaps his fingers) I got it!

Pumbaa: Got what?

Timon: A series of creative ideas that'll help us get outta here! Pumbaa, I give you… (reveals a plain, white flier from behind his back)our ticket to freedom!

Pumbaa: …A blank piece of paper?

Timon: For now, but when one of my many ingenious ideas comes through, we'll advertise it on this baby! (takes out a notepad and a pencil from behind his back) Now then, give me your honest opinion on the following outbursts: how about…"A Bug Buffet/Bake Sale"? And all the money goes right to charity. And by "charity" I mean "us and our bail".

Pumbaa: No.

Timon: (blinks) …Ok… What about a "Collector's Edition of Pumbaa Cologne"?

Pumbaa: We haven't done the "Pumbaa Cologne" bit since episode 54: "Common Scents". Besides, what'll make it a "collector's edition" anyway?

Timon: Because collectors are always looking for things that are the last of their kind! (bursts out laughing as the sound of a drum and symbol are heard particularly from out of nowhere) Wait, wait, wait, I got another one; this deal is so great you can practically smell it! (laughs again, and starts rolling onto the floor)

Pumbaa: Uh…no.

Timon: Ok, well…how 'about a "Meerkat and Warthog Housekeeping Service"?

Pumbaa: No.

Timon: A Tour of an Oasis? 20 dollars for adults, 19 for not adults?

Pumbaa: What about a senior discount?

Timon: (excited) Does that mean you're in?

Pumbaa: No.

Timon: A Biography on the Life of Timon?

Pumbaa: No.

Timon: A Biography on the Life of Timon's Friend?

Pumbaa: Fred?

Timon: (rolls eyes)If I say "yes", will you agree on it?

Pumbaa: No.

_A few minutes later…_

(Timon is visibly getting irritated. The duo's cellmate, the aardvark, is taking a snooze to ignore their antics)

Timon: A restaurant with homemade meals just like Ma used to make?

Pumbaa: No.

Timon: A petting zoo consisting of a meerkat colony plus one lion?

Pumbaa: No.

Timon: A CHARITABLE "BACHELORS FOR SALE" EVENT WITH ALL THE ELIGIBLE MALES IN THE KINGDOM?

Pumbaa: No.

Timon: (scowling) Y'know when I said "honest" I meant the kind of "honest" only friends can give!

Pumbaa: You mean, lie?

Timon: (grinning)Exactly!

Pumbaa: Timon I don't think any of those ideas could work.

Timon: (annoyed) Why not?

Pumbaa: Well now that everybody knows we're registered felons, I doubt we'll want the attention anyway. Plus, for that same reason, I don't think anybody would come. Besides, even if you do come up with a brilliant idea, how will you show your advertisement to the world; we can't leave our cell. (Timon suddenly gets a disappointed look on his face as he realizes his friend is right. He sighs heavily before sitting back onto the bench again. Pumbaa sits next to him and puts his hoof on his friend's back)

Pumbaa: Cheer up Timon. Even without bail, we only have 3-8 years left. (Timon sighs again and droops his head) And like you said, we did used to be movie stars. (the meerkat's eyes suddenly brighten up)Why with our old tactics, we should be able to keep ourselves occupied so long our sentence will go by faster than- (Timon suddenly puts his hand in front of Pumbaa's mouth

Timon: Quiet Pumbaa! I just had an idea! (leaps from the bench, grabs a pack of markers from behind his back, darts toward his blank flier and starts scribbling like crazy; Pumbaa raises an eyebrow in curiosity as he watches; the aardvark continues to snore as he is completely oblivious to anything; after about a minute and a half, Pumbaa sees Timon stop) Yes… It's finished! (turns to Pumbaa) Allow me to introduce-! (abruptly pulls out the flier…only to have it stick directly to his palm) Eh heh heh, sorry; I had to paste on some glitter to make sure it caught attention. (tugs at the paper for awhile, until a ripping sound is heard; Timon lets out a cry of pain) YE-AH-HOWCH! (a single tear drips down his eye, but though his struggling he reveals his creation to Pumbaa; with a slight bit of his own fur attached to it) As I was saying…allow me to introduce… (takes a deep breath to compose himself, before proudly showing the newly colored flyer) The thing that's gonna get us outta here! (Upon looking at the flyer, Pumbaa can see it is quite colorful and sparkly, aside from Timon's fur, and he also sees some words in big, bold, golden letters. They are sloppy because of Timon's handwriting, but eligible enough to read. Pumbaa reads the words aloud)

Pumbaa: "Are you a fan of The Lion King? If so, keep reading this." Sounds good so far, Timon!

Timon: Keep reading!

Pumbaa: Oh, right. "You've seen the movie, but have you ever wondered what the filmmakers didn't show you? Come to the abandoned drive-in just below main street to see your favorite actors/actresses like you've never seen them before!"

Timon: (smiling broadly) Well, whadda ya think?

Pumbaa: Uh…confused; what did you mean by "like you've never seen them before"?

Timon: You remember those huge blooper reels the directors cut out from every scene of the movie?

Pumbaa: (puzzled as to where his friend's getting to) …Yes.

Timon: I know where they hid 'em, and I'm gonna make a fortune showing every single one to the world!

Pumbaa: But Timon, isn't it unlawful to show those clips without the suitable permission?

Timon: Why would I need permission? I was in it! (takes out a file from the leg of his jumpsuit and begins grinding it against the bars of thecell) Pumbaa, get ready for the fastest money-making scheme of your life!

Pumbaa: Uh-oh.


	2. Prologue: The Auditions

Well, here's the next update. And I know some of you may have been disappointed in the first chapter but that was just an intro. The real action begins here. Keep in mind too that this is more like the series; anthropomorphic and cartoonish.

Also, this'll be my Grande Finale fic; the best part of the trilogy! With much more chapters to come!

The idea with Gopher came partially from the Lion King Pride Forum; (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about Jag) if you'd like to find out more just ask.

Oh, and I put in a little Cary Grant reference in this chapter. Can you find it? Enjoy!

* * *

_Cut to a dark room, two security guards are standing by an open door_

Guard #1: That all there is to lock up for the night?

Guard #2: Yep; nothin's gettin' in this place. _as he closes the door, a small black cap appears out of nowhere and slides across the floor; placing itself between the door and the frame before it can lock_

Guard #1: Great. Let's get outta here; I promised the wife I'd be home on time, for once. _The two leave, failing to notice the cap stuck in the door. A few noiseless seconds pass after they leave_

Voice #1: Are they gone?

Voice #2: Uh, I think so. Ooh look, a cockroach! _delighted munching soon follows_

Voice #1: Quiet Stink Bomb! _Timon and Pumbaa tiptoe into view and stop near the door, both are dressed in black sweats; burglar suits. Pumbaa has a black cap on but Timon's is missing_

Pumbaa: Why do you keep calling me "stink bomb"? _Timon groans and smacks his hand to his forehead_

Timon: How many times do I have to tell you? It's a code name! Like Big Truck, or Mother Goose. I'm Red Head, and you're Stink Bomb!

Pumbaa: Oh…uh Timo-I-I mean, Red Head?

Timon: _as he is picking up his cap and putting it back on as he starts to open the door_ Yes?

Pumbaa: You said since we were movie actors in this particular film, it wouldn't be necessary for us to seek permission right?

Timon: I'll admit I might've made a comment similar to what you just said. Why?

Pumbaa: It's just that…if that's the case, why are we sneaking in to steal the outtakes late at night?

Timon: It's not stealing. We're the actors; we deserve to see the movie that set off our careers. Y'know, taking what's ours.

Pumbaa: Then why did we come here after the building closed? And why did you wait 'till the guards were gone to walk up to the door? And why are you turning off the security system?

Timon: _pressing buttons near the door on the inside of the room _Just look for a box that says "The Lion King" listed under "Outtakes".

Pumbaa: _reluctantly searching_ Oh, I just know this is a bad idea.

* * *

_That following evening…_

_Cut to two animals, an leopard and a cheetah, walking down the street by a picket fence. Suddenly they see something posted on the fence._

Leopard: Hey, what's that? _the two look at the flier Timon made_ What's it say?

Cheetah: _struggling to read Timon's sloppy handwriting_ Are you…fan of…Lion…King?

Leopard: Hey, we are! Keep reading!

Cheetah: You call it "reading", I call it "beating words with my eyes"; who wrote this?

Leopard: Who cares? What else does it say?

Cheetah: Come to…abandoned drive-in…to see favorite…actorses…like you never seen…before. Ticket prices: 30 bucks for adults, 29 for children. Well at least that last part was eligible. _takes a closer look at the flier _What's that stringy brown stuff on the left side? _his leopard friends looks at it as well_

Leopard: Kinda looks like the cover of my sister's diary…and picture frames…and toilet seat cover…and-

* * *

_Cut to an enormous crowd of animals in front of a huge screen that is hidden behind a big curtain; backstage, Timon peeks out at the crowd_

Timon: Wow, this is a bigger turnout than I expected!

Pumbaa: Timon?

Timon: What Pumbaa?

Pumbaa: Should we be worried if a news van just pulled up beside the stage?

Timon: WHAT?! _dashes up besides Pumbaa and peeks out to see a news van with "Kenyan Communications" on the side_ HOLY JUNE BUGS!! _Both rush out to the van, where a female giraffe news reporter with a microphone is standing_ Uh…can we help you?

Female Giraffe: Yes, we're here to broadcast the supposed spectacular revealing of never before seen footage of the actors and actresses portrayed in "The Lion King".

Timon: Wow, you just made what the flier said sound a lot more impressive.

Female Giraffe: I'm a news reporter: it's my job to exaggerate.

Timon: So uh, lemme get this straight; you aren't here to bust us for a supposed crime we committed at night?

Female Giraffe: Oh no; that old robbery charge is already all over the neighborhood. "Yesterday's news" as us paparazzi call it. _The meerkat and warthog exchange glances, before leaning towards each other so nobody will hear their conversation._

Pumbaa: Should we cancel the show Timon? Just in case we really did do something wrong? I mean, this could offend a lot of people, and if they find out it's us…well…you know…

Timon: Are you kidding?! With a news broadcast, we'll be twice as famous as before. Thrice if their casting's abroad.

Pumbaa: Thrice?

Timon: Yeah; it's like twice only three times. _Pumbaa looks confused _Look, don't worry; we'll just tell 'em not to film us or anyone else in particular because it could jeopardize the safety of some innocent bystanders. Nobody knows it's us, we don't get hurt. _Timon goes up to the giraffe lady and whispers in her ear, after a moment or so of thinking, she nods in understanding and Timon grins before walking past Pumbaa_ Well, better get out there! _he walks up to the stage, Pumbaa bites his lip_

Pumbaa: Oh I now I really know this is gonna be a bad idea. _Cut to Timon backstage with a mike in his hand, speakers are all around the audience, which are what his voice comes out of._

Timon: Ladies and Gentlemen! Males and Females of all species, we thank you for coming to this unofficial presentation tonight: not only will it entertain you, but financially benefit the producers of this show!

Audience Member: This better be worth the pay whoever you are! I paid 30 bucks to get in here!

Another Audience Member: I paid 40!

Timon: Um uh, well without any further ado, ROLL THE FILM! _whispered but still faintly heard through the speakers _…Pumbaa, pull up the curtain!

Pumbaa: Oh! _yanks on the rope as the projector starts flickering on the screen. The numbers read 3…2…1…_

* * *

_Cut to the outside of a studio where several lines of different animals are patiently waiting; the line leads all the way to the inside where two certain cubs are looking at the director, writer and stage crew who are all off screen_

Director: All right, let's see. _looks at a paper_ You two are auditioning for the roles of the two young cubs?

Young Simba and Nala: Uh-huh.

Director: Well, let's see whatcha got. _points at Young Simba_ Hey whiskers, can you roar?

Young Simba: Heh, watch this. _takes a deep breath, and emits a sound similar to that of a dying frog; the director, writer, and Young Nala laugh_

Director: Beautiful, beautiful! _whispering to the writer_ Keep this kid on the actual "callback" list. _points to Nala_ Ok how 'bout you? Can you do anything? _Young Nala smirks confidently_

Young Nala: Watch this. _pins Young Simba without batting an eyelash_ Anything else?

Young Simba: _looking at the director_ Say no!

Director: Could you do that again? I had something in my eye. _Young Simba groans, Nala repeats her previous actions_

Director: Hm…can you do your own stunts?

Young Simba and Nala: What?

Director: _pointing to a high platform_ See that up there?

Young Simba and Nala: Yeah.

Director: Jump off it and show me what you can do; flips, dives, anything.

Young Nala: Isn't that a little dangerous?

Director: Only if you don't land on your feet, which shouldn't be a problem; I mean you two are members of the cat family, right?

Young Simba and Nala: Well-

Director: But I guess if you two don't want the job-

Young Nala: No wait!

Young Simba: We'll do it, we'll do it! _both cubs walk up to the platform, and diffidently climb it; Nala is the first to reach the top_

Director: Well? We're ready to be dazzled. _Nala takes a deep breath, before running and leaping from the top. She does her best and manages to flip once in the air, before trying her luck at a swan dive. She does well…except for falling headfirst into a can of blue paint. She coughs as she comes out of it…only to have another can of paint, green, fall on top of her; accidentally dropped by the scenery painter_

Scenery Painter: Sorry! _when Nala gets the paint can off herself she looks like a blue cheetah with messy, green spots/blotches all over herself. The crew can be heard laughing off screen; Nala frowns_

Director: I've seen worse. _points at Simba_ Now you. _Simba blinks after seeing what happened to Nala and gulps. But takes a deep breath, narrows his eyes, and lets out a growl as he lunges off the platform; as he falls, he notices a large fan is blowing in his direction nearby and he suddenly realizes it's blowing him towards the thorn pit for another scene. In fear, he grabs onto the nearest thing he can find, which is a sandbag. He swings in the air for a few moments as his claws dig into the sack, unfortunately his claws tear right through it and he falls…right into a tub of glue. He climbs out of it only to stumble right into a cart of feathers. In his struggle out, he gets a traffic cone stuck onto his muzzle, and falls right on top of Nala. Now he looks like a blue and green lion/chicken hybrid: the crew, still off screen, is heard going insane with laughter, as is the audience watching this in the abandoned drive-in_

Director: _after calming down_ Ok I've changed my mind: THAT is the worse I've seen!

Young Simba: _after spitting out a feather in his mouth, Nala is seen trying to dig some paint out of her ear_ So do we get the parts or what?!

Director: Mmmm…can you two sing?

Young Simba and Young Nala: Huh?

Director: Sing? Y'know: do re mi, and so on.

Young Nala: We just created a two-hour bath session for when we get home, our parents are gonna kill us after they see how we look, AND YOU WANT US TO SING?!

Director: It's either that or no movie career.

Young Simba and Young Nala: _annoyed_ …Sing what?

Voice off screen: Ooh! Ooh! I know! _the director can be heard sighing_

Director: Yes…uh…_whispering to the writer_ who is that guy again?

Writer: Our caterer, sir.

Director: Oh. …Well he did bring in those cheddar and sour cream potato chips I love so much. Whadda you want 'em to sing caterer guy?

Caterer: "Food Glorious Food"! _off stage laughter is heard_

Young Nala: What?!

Young Simba: Aw c'mon, not that!

Director: Well, I guess we could get some other two cubs to-

Young Simba and Nala: No! No! Wait! _both sigh_ …We'll do it. _both take deep breaths_ Food! Glorious food!

Young Nala: Hot sausage and mustard!

Young Simba and Nala: While we're in the mood!

Young Simba: Cold jelly and custard!

_Meanwhile…_

* * *

_Cut to a 3-way split view of the hyena trio's house, Scar's house, and Simba and Nala's house._

_T is just sitting on the couch and flipping through the channels, as is Nuka. Shenzi, Banzai and Ed are in the kitchen, as are Scar and Zira. Simba and Nala are just enjoying a quiet evening together. T suddenly raises an eyebrow when she sees something resembling Nala as a child, she flips back to the channel and her eyes slowly widen. The trio hear the noise and peek into the kitchen to see what's going on; when they see the site their eyes also slowly widen._

_Nuka, Scar and Zira's gazes are similar when they notice the television._

_But Simba and Nala are appalled._

Nala: How did anybody get ahold of-?!

Simba: They said they locked it in a fool-proof storage room! Well we all see how that worked out.

Nala: Seems to me the whole world is seeing how that worked out.

Back at the drive-in…

_HUMONGOUS off stage laughter is heard; Simba and Nala look annoyed. Finally after about five minutes, everybody calms themselves._

Director: Hmm, that's great and all… but I'm just not getting the childlike mischief vibe from you guys.

Janitor: Hey boss! I'd watch that floor if I were you; it's not dry from when I mopped it a few minutes ago!

Director: _cupping his hand around his ear_ What?! _Young Simba and Nala, who did not hear it as well, both casually take a step back. But instantly, the two lose their balance_

Young Simba: Whoa!

Young Nala: Ahh! _their cries catch the attention of the director and writer and they stare, shocked, at the chain reaction that ensues:_

_As they stumble, Simba and Nala accidentally tip a light stand behind them, which falls and creates a spark as the bulb explodes, startling one of the workers and making him trip on his companion, who was trying to tie up a sandbag. The rope which he was holding slips from his grip as they both fall, and the sandbag plummets in the direction of the scenery area. An artist, who is painting one of the backgrounds on a tall ladder, is unaware of what is happening and continues his work. One of his paint cans is on the other side of a long board, which is balanced like a see-saw. The sandbag falls onto the opposite side which is in the air, and causes the paint can to catapult and land straight onto a worker who is helping another carry a ladder. As he struggles to get the paint can off his head, he swings the ladder recklessly. The other worker ducks while as others are not so fortunate. Finally, in his inattentive moment, the worker accidentally hits the ladder on which the scenery artist is working on; knocking it right out from under his feet. In a desperate attempt to keep from falling, he grabs onto his newly-finished painted backdrop. The paper immediately tears, and its painter is sent plummeting to the ground; his landscape ruined._

_Young Simba and Nala stare at the mess created, before coyly turning around to face the director and writer, who are both silent_

Young Simba and Nala: Uh…

Director: I LOVED IT! GET THESE KIDS A CONTRACT!!

_The screen automatically says "Intermission". The crowd stares at the screen for awhile…before bursting out into uncontrollable laughter. Back stage, Timon flashes Pumbaa a "thumbs up" and a grin, Pumbaa reluctantly, but not as excitedly, does the same._

_Back with those who are watching at home:_

_Shenzi, Banzai and Ed are having a laughing fit on the floor whilst holding their stomachs. T is starting at the TV blankly._

T: Well…Nala didn't tell me about that when she tried out for the movie.

Shenzi: Somebody call a doctor! My-my ribs! HAHAHAHAHA!!

Banzai: My gut's gonna explode!! _Ed guffaws along with his friends._

_Back with Scar, Zira and Nuka; Nuka is pounding his fists on the cushions of the couch on his stomach in laughter as well. Scar stares at the TV with little interest; Zira blinks in lack of emotion._

_With Simba and Nala; the royal couple is still completely flabbergasted at what's going on._

_Back at the abandoned drive in, Timon contentedly listens to the pleased audience, before turning on the microphone and preparing to speak into it once more. He peeks through the curtain and grins at the site of the happy crowd before looking over to see the giraffe reporter busily giving her report on the show, but her cameraman, who is a gorilla, can barely control himself; he holds his sides as the giraffe news anchor begins scolding him. Timon smirks to himself before speaking into the mike again; his voice emits from the speakers._

Timon: Ya like that, huh?!

Audience: YEAH!!

Timon: Ya wanna see more?!

Audience: YEAH!!

Timon: Well the show'll continue in just a few minutes; please make the most of the intermission and help yourselves to the snacks and drinks at the lobby. Which is also selling cushions and those little windshield rain-blocker thingies in case it rains. _Clears throat_ Please make yourselves comfortable and enjoy! _Pretends to bows as if the audience were in front of him as they applaud and looks at Pumbaa._ Boy, this is going even better than I thought!

_On the road next to the drive-in, a nicely-polished, expensive-looking white car pulls up to the curb and two certain lions step out._

Simba: Well, the flier said this was the place. _Simba and Nala walk up to the entrance, only to have a cheetah block their way; he holds out his hand_

Cheetahto: Tickets please.

Simba and Nala: Tickets?

Cheetahto: You must purchase a ticket to get in here.

Simba: We don't have time for this; we have to see who's broadcasting this show.

Cheetahto: That would be every news station with a van.

Simba: No I mean the show on the screen. _Nala looks back and notices a long line behind them; as does Cheetahto_

Cheetahto: I'm afraid you'll have to move aside sir; there are others waiting for admittance.

Simba: We're not going anywhere until we see who's doing this! _a large gorilla with a black shirt on with white letters on the front entitled "security" steps behind the cheetah; it crosses its arms sternly. Cheetahto smirks_

Cheetahto: You were saying? _Simba narrows his eyes in annoyance_

Simba: _takes his mate by the arm_ C'mon Nala. _the two begrudgingly walk back to their car_

A few minutes later…

* * *

_Timon turns on the microphone and begins to speak._

Timon: Thank you for your patience, now, ON WITH THE SHOW!! _once more in a low, but annoyed voice_ …Pumbaa!

Pumbaa: Oh! _Quickly turns on the projector; as before, the numbers say 3…2…1…_

_Cut to the same studio again, only this time a certain hornbill is standing in front of the director and writer_

Director: Ok, so you're auditioning for the part of the parrot? _the writer whispers in his ear _Uh, I mean hornbill?

Zazu: That is correct.

Director: And your name is…?

Zazu: Zazu. _sees the director is looking around_

Director: Well since we don't have any other auditions, I guess you're-

Voice: Hold everything! _a gopher pops up from a hole in the bottom of the set_

Director: Who're you?

Zazu: Gopher?!

Gopher: Many thanks for the introduction sir.

Zazu: What on earth are you doing here?!

Gopher: Trying out for the part of majordomo of course.

Director: …Uh, we were planning on the majordomo being a bird.

Zazu: How unbecoming; of all the things you've done-! …Well what makes you think you could be the majordomo anyhow?

Gopher: Surprisingly, I have been recommended several times by high-ranking officials for this job.

Zazu: By doing what? Dirt management?

Gopher: No, by have excessive knowledge.

Zazu: What?! That's preposterous! I've prided myself of molding my bird brain in the phenomenal shape it is today; no one knows more about anything than I do!

Gopher: I beg to differ.

Director: Uh, listen guys; unless it's an action movie or a debate over what the caterer should bring for lunch, we usually don't allow fighting on the set.

Zazu: _ignoring the director_ Is that so? Very well, I'm up for a challenge! A one-on-one dispute on who knows more about what. Winner takes the part of majordomo.

Gopher: I accept: what is the value of pi?

Zazu: 3.14

Gopher: Rounded.

Zazu: I suppose you have a better explanation then?

Gopher: If you can answer this: what is the capital of Wisconsin?

Zazu: That would be Madison. Is "or" a helping verb or a linking verb?

Gopher: Linking. What is the greenheart tree of-?

Zazu: The Bebeeru. The stereotypes about West Virginians, Hawaiians, and those Buckingham Palace guards are…?

Gopher: False. If a train is traveling to Chicago at 60 mph, and another train is… _cut to a few minutes later_ then how many cartons of cheese will be served to the conductor?

Zazu: _smirking_ That would be precisely-

Director: FORGET IT! I SAID WE WERE CASTING A BIRD, AND WE'RE CASTING A BIRD! DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE'S OBNOXIOUS FOR ANY CHARACTER!

Gopher: But if you just consider adding a gopher-

Director: STOP! _sighs_ If I give you second bit, will you stop talking?

Gopher: …I suppose.

Director: Great. NEXT AUDITION, PLEASE!! _Two adult lions walk in_)Alright, you two are auditioning for the parts of _looks at a paper_ king and queen?

Sarabi: Yes.

Mufasa: That's right; if our children get the part as the cubs, we see it fit to observe whether or not they are treated fairly.

Sarabi: As close as we possibly can.

Director: Well, let's-

Voice: HIT THE FLOOR! _We see an out-of-control forklift zooming all around the set. Everybody, including Mufasa and Sarabi, run for cover_

Director: WHO LET THEM NEAR THAT?!

Another voice: Last I saw they were walking out the door!

Zazu: _who is hanging onto the chair while Gopher "operates" the machine_ I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU KNEW HOW TO CONTROL THIS!!

Gopher: Enough to avoid any serious damage. To be honest I'm a bit exhausted from making tunneling my only means of transportation for today…or all my life; I merely wanted a faster way to get home.

Director: SECURITY, 911, I DON'T CARE; SOMEBODY STOP THEM!! _the workers manage to chase the forklift enough to get within 5 feet…before abruptly turning around after Gopher accidentally changes direction; the employees flee for their lives, some even dash out the exits_

A Few Employees: I QUIT! _Finally, Gopher steers the forklift out of the studio; through a wall. A few minutes later, most of the workers come out from their makeshift shelters, including Mufasa and Sarabi. The writer comes up to the director with someone walking with him_

Writer: Um, sir; one of our many evil, soulless, corporate lawyers would like to speak with you.

Attorney Ove Rlypaid Nosoul: Sir, with all the damage done here, it wouldn't be hard for a jury to believe some injuries occurred as well. Those two could sue us for all we have; wounded or not. _after hearing this, the director quickly turns to Mufasa and Sarabi_

Director: Congratulations! You both got the parts! _Mufasa and Sarabi exchange confused glances_

_Meanwhile…_

_Cut to a view of Shenzi talking on a phone, Ed is making popcorn in the kitchen, with Banzai supervising of course since Ed cannot be trusted with electrical appliances, and T decides to prepare for a big clean-up session tonight as she gets things out of the pantry; paper towels, broom and dust pan, first-aid kit, etc._

Shenzi: I'm serious: turn on the news! It's better than Comedy Central! _T comes into the living room_

T: Who are you talking to?

Shenzi: Bujune; he's makin' Gituku and Monifa fix the rabbit ears on their TV as we speak.

_Cut to Scar, Zira and Nuka's place; Nuka is looking through a box of blank video cassettes_

Nuka: I GOTTA TAPE THIS!

Zira: And I've got to tell every single Outlander about it. _Picks up the phone and stars dialing_

Scar: _completely uninterested_ And I've got to get some rest. Don't disturb me unless they show anything that could be used against me.

Zira: And even then, I wouldn't dream of it. _Under her breath_ I would have already taken care of those interlopers myself.

_Cut to Simba and Nala, who are waiting in a VERY, VERY __LONG__ line for tickets._

Simba: By the time we get to the booth they'll be sold out.

Nala: By the time half of the people in front of us make it to the booth they'll be sold out.

* * *

_A few minutes later…_

_Cut to the same studio, where a certain lion is standing in front of the director and writer, who are still off screen._

Director: So, you wanna be the villain huh?

Scar: I find it's quite suitable to my personality.

Director: And you're aware most of the scenes you'll be in will be with henchmen right?

Scar: I am.

Director: Ok then, so what makes you think you can be the villain? I mean sure you look scary but for all I know you could be a bunny rabbit dressed like the lion from the black lagoon. _Scar smirks, and casually reaches out his paw, bringing out a single index claw the further his foreleg extends…before he cuts a rope holding an unknown object; there is a pause_

Voice: LOOK OUT!! _The director looks up just in time to see a piano plummeting in his direction; he and the writer dodge it just in time_

Another Voice: That could've crushed you! _The director and writer turn their attention to Scar again, who merely smirks_

Director: _a bit shaky_ Ok… you have my attention.

Scar: Need I show you anything else?

Director: Just…um, can you show us any devious acting? Threatening poses? Malevolent gestures? A scheming smile if you will?

Scar: I'd be happy to. _Fast as lightning, Scar reaches out and grabs something off screen. Turns out it was just an innocent worker minding his own business, but he is now lying on his back with Scar's claws extended around his head; the lion grins evilly, showing his razor-sharp teeth_ If you like, I could show you more.

_Meanwhile_…

_Cut back to the drive-in, the audience appears frightened_

Random Animal: I didn't know this would be a horror feature.

Other Random Animal: Me either.

_Backstage, Pumbaa looks a little worried as he sees what's happening; friends are clenching each other in fear, others are hiding behind various inanimate objects, and parents are covering their children's eyes. Instantly, the warthog turns to his friend._

Pumbaa: Timon I think we should stop the film here; it might damage some vulnerable psyches and scar a lot of people.

Timon: Was that a concern for the public's well-being or were you just looking for an excuse to make a pun about Simba's uncle? Pumbaa, puns are lazy writing y'know. We did a movie for the kingdom's sake; you should know better material than that.

Pumbaa: Timon what's playing on the screen right now might be found a bit traumatizing for some; we gotta skip the violent parts of this scenario! For the community's safety.

Timon: Pumbaa, "The Lion King" is FULL OF VIOLENCE!

Pumbaa: Yeah but nothing too grotesque. You see, it's kind of like…anonymous bloodshed if you think about it: you know the carnage is happening, but you hardly ever see it. Please Timon, we gotta cut out some parts of this scene! _Timon sighs_

Timon: Alright, alright; we'll fast forward past the mutilation of the writer's cousin. _Pumbaa smiles as Timon walks over and pushes a button, stopping the film just before Scar's claws make contact with the screaming employee's face. The crowd can be heard sighing in relief; Timon turns on the mike and talks into it_. Eh, if it's alright with you folks, we're gonna skip pass all these more graphic moments of the film. _Light applause comes from the mass of watching animals; mostly parents. The majority of the teenagers however look annoyed_

_Meanwhile at…_

_Shenzi, Banzai and Ed's place_

Shenzi: It was about to get boring anyway.

_Scar, Zira and Nuka's place_

Nuka: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I COULD'VE USED THAT AGAINST ALL MY BULLIES AT SCHOOL!

Zira: You would've been hopeless even with that sort of help.

_Cut to Simba and Nala, who are still waiting on tickets_.

Both: What's taking so long?!

_Back at the drive-in, Timon continues to push the button until he passes all the graphic moments of Scar's audition_

Timon: Ok, I think we're in the clear now. _Releases the button; Scar's audition comes back on screen. We see somebody being carried away on a stretcher and into an ambulance; Scar examines his claws as if nothing happened, despite most of the studio has blood splashes_

Director: _terrified_ You…you got the job. _Scar smiles and walks out of the studio; everybody calms down. The director leans over to talk to his writer_ Remind me to hire a lion tamer..._examines the set_…make that seven lion tamers.

* * *

Director: Who's up next?

Writer: Some hyenas wanting to audition for the villain's three henchmen. _Both look over to see Shenzi and a few female hyenas sadly walking out of the studio; and Banzai who is innocently whistling as if completely oblivious to the fact that there are many badly beaten male hyenas around him, and a few more terrified ones peeking out from the way he came in; and Ed who is alone and tilting his head at an angle while staring creepily at nothing in particular._

Director: _whispering to the writer_ These aren't the only ones who showed up are they?

Writer: Well there were more sir but the female intimidated all the other actresses who arrived, the male beat up all his competition and scared the rest of them off, and the third male managed to do that last part I said about the other male without even blinking an eye…at all…is it even possible for him to blink?

Director: I don't care if they're planning to rob this place; it's been a long day and I'm beat, just send 'em in. _The writer motions for the trio to approach; Shenzi, Banzai and Ed all stand in front of the director_ Well seeing as how there's nobody else around here it looks like you three got the jobs.

Shenzi: _while she and her two friends are grinning_ We're glad you saw it our way.

Female and Male Voices: Hey, wait a minute! _the trio, director and writer look over to see three hyenas, one female and two males, glaring at their competition_.

Female Hyena: We want a fair audition! _Shenzi, Banzai and Ed stare at them for a moment, before Shenzi looks at the director and writer_

Shenzi: S'cuse us one moment. _Backstage, Timon quickly pushes a button reading "censorship"; the beating following that scene is blocked from the audience's view with a smiley face, and large words that say "This Censoring Has Been Brought To You By __Over Pro-tect__, Keeping You Safe From Reality Since They Started Hiring Censors." After a minute or so, Timon releases the switch and the censor tool is removed. In the film, the three challengers can be seen yelping and fleeing the studio. Shenzi, Banzai and Ed all smirk at each other, before turning to go back to the set_ Well I think that takes care of them. _Suddenly, a clicking sound is heard_

Shenzi, Banzai (and Ed): Huh? _The three look down to see Banzai has stepped on a loop knot on the ground; his eyes widen and he screams as he is quickly lifted up into the air, hitting his head on the floor as his feet are yanked from underneath him. Shenzi and Ed stare as he dangles upside down, before realizing they are standing on a net; their eyes also widen as the same thing happens to them. After both traps are set, a spring sets off; sending all three of them flying and screaming_.

Director: What is that?

Writer: Our security system sir; we had to trade this in for the more up-to-date one when we blew most of our budget on the make-up department.

Director: Excuse me for anticipating that we could get great yet ugly actors! _Meanwhile, the trio crash into a few things in mid-air: a sandbag which bursts on impact, getting the crushed granite into their fur_

Shenzi: Aw great, this is gonna take days to get out! _Suddenly the trio see a cage of pigeons up ahead, it breaks as they crash into it, making the birds angry. Shenzi and Ed get back-to-back and push the net as far as it'll go with their back legs; the birds can't get to them due to the mesh. But Banzai is not so fortunate; with no net to protect him, he gets pecked at like mad_

Banzai: _as he is swatting at the pigeons_ Get off me! _To their surprise, the pigeons quickly fly away…until the trio see a concrete wall ahead. Luckily, before they can crash into it, the ropes holding them break a huge tub of hot pink hair dye. They fall in, and when they come out their fur is a bright pink._

Ed: PUH-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Shenzi: _furious_ My lawyer'll be hearin' 'bout this!!

_The audience's reaction is hysterical; even Timon is holding his sides._

Back with Simba and Nala_, they are impatiently waiting for their turn in line._

With Zira and Nuka_, Nuka is rolling on the floor with laughter. And after a moment, Zira chuckles lightly herself._

But back with Shenzi, Banzai and Ed:_ the trio stare at the TV with wide eyes, shocked expressions, and open mouths; Ed's piece of popcorn falls out of his jaw. Then the trio look at T, who is trying to hide a grin. She looks over and after realizing they know what she's about to do, quickly makes an effort to compose herself._

Shenzi, Banzai (and Ed): Laugh, and we'll severely injure you.

Banzai (and Ed): …Well I won't be making any physical contact; you ARE a GIRL. But, ya still get the idea. _T looks at Shenzi_

T: DID your lawyer hear about it?

Shenzi: _looks annoyed and darts her gaze away_ …No.

* * *

_Backstage, Timon is drooling over the ticket money received. Pumbaa walks up behind him_

Pumbaa: Timon, should I play the next scene now? …Timon? _Waves his hand in front of his friend's face, but there is no reaction. The warthog shrugs and picks up the microphone; his voice is heard on the speakers_ And now, the last show for today. _The crowd groans; this seems to bring Timon out of his daze and he blinks._

_Up on the big screen, the director can be heard breathing in exhaustion_

Writer: Just hang in there sir, we only have one more audition.

Director: Who?

Writer: The friend of the queen and mother of the main female character who is never named in the movie, and given only one line.

Director: I don't have the time for this.

Female voice: Um, excuse me? _The director and writer look over to see Sarafina looking at them_

Sarafina: I heard the auditions were being held here.

Director: Whoever you are, you have the part.

Sarafina: But I haven't even told you my name yet.

Director: Nor will you tell the audience; which for some reason will anger many fans. _looks at the writer_ Well, there's our cast; let's get outta here.

_The movie reel ends. The audience sounds disappointed. Cut to back stage_.

Pumbaa: Well, that's all of it. And looks like we made quite the income; we'll need it to hire a good lawyer who can excuse our- _Timon leaps in front of Pumbaa_

Timon: Pumbaa, listen to what's happening out there! _Timon shoves Pumbaa's head toward the curtain enough so that his ear is poking out, then picks up the microphone again_. Thank you for watching ladies and gentlemen. Did you enjoy the show?

Same Audience Member as Before: I gotta admit dude; that was worth the 30 bucks!

And the Other Guy: And I'd pay 100 bucks for what I just saw today!

Timon: A hundred?

Another Audience Member: I'd pay 200!

Another Audience Member: I'd pay 500! _Timon begins to drool again. Taking his attention away from the audience for a split second, Pumbaa notices this and looks uneasy_

Pumbaa: Timon, now let's not do anything too drastic.

Timon: 500 dollars per ticket? I'd be filthy rich! Pumbaa, get our ticket seller on the phone!

Pumbaa: You mean vender, right?

Timon: Yeah sure whatever.

_Meanwhile…_

_After what seems like hours, Simba and Nala are only a couple feet away from the ticket vender. Nala sighs in relief_.

Simba: Finally. _But their ears suddenly perk up when they overhear the conversation up ahead_.

Ticket Salesman: Sorry, the ticket price was raised.

Animal Buyer: What?! To how much?!

Ticket Salesman: Four hundred and fifty dollars.

Animal Buyer, Simba and Nala: FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS?!

_Meanwhile…_

Shenzi: Boys, we got ourselves a lil' investigatin' to do.


	3. Circle of Changed Lives

I am SO, SO sorry for not updating on this sooner. But I had to take care of a few other fics and enjoy some relaxation by swimming (it is summer after all). But anyway, thank you all for the kindly reviews. And now, on with the story!

* * *

_Cut to view of an even bigger crowd in front of the screen at the abandoned drive-in. Pumbaa is looking at them all from backstage, very confused_

Pumbaa: All those people out there would pay 450 dollars for only one ticket? _suddenly the warthog hears a noise behind him, looking back he sees Timon literally rolling around in a small pile of money, laughing like a maniac_

Timon: Show the folks a few movie clips, and they'll pay as much as ya want 'em to see more!

Pumbaa: Uh Timon?

Timon: Yes?

Pumbaa: Aren't we publicly humiliating all the actors and actresses in the movie by showing embarrassing moments of their faults?

Timon: That's why I'm only showing the clips without _us_ in them. Besides, how _else_ would we get the public interested?

Pumbaa: But isn't it morally wrong to expose things like that? Besides…if any of the actors found out it was _us_ airing these clips…_gulps_

Timon: Pumbaa, Pumbaa, Pumbaa, no need to worry. Nobody's going to find out. We've got a voice-disguising microphone, a stage only _we_ can get access to, and not to mention highly-paid bodyguards. Which'll be a whole lot easier to pay with this. _runs his finger along a wad of bills in his hand while staring at the money creepily…then notices Pumbaa staring at him and gets annoyed_ Well, whadda ya waiting for? Go show the next scene. _Pumbaa sighs, but picks up the microphone and speaks into it, his voice comes out in an unfamiliar tone to the audience_

Pumbaa: And now…on with the show. _the crowd applauds_

* * *

Director: Everything's ready, right?

Writer: Yes sir, except for nearly all our budget spent on repairing the studio, I think we're all set.

Director: Good. _looks at the set_ Alright listen up! This is just an intro scene so we'll only need a few characters. The king, queen, bird, and a bunch of random animals will be staying, along with that newborn cub we hired that'd resemble Simba the most. The villain, henchmen, wise-cracking meerkat and warthog, and two lion cubs are to just take five. Cue the shaman! _Rafiki can be seen walking onto the set_

Everyone: Who's he?

Director: A baboon I hired as a last-minute cast member.

Offstage voice: That's a baboon? Looks more like a mandrill to me.

Another offstage voice: No, no, no; that's baboon all the way.

First offstage voice: I say he's a mandrill!

Second offstage voice: And I say he's not!

Director: Alright, cut it out! I'm not paying you people to argue! If I wanted that, I would've hired lawyers and some overworked, underpaid writers.

Writer: Um…

Director: One more word and your lunch break'll only be _four_ minutes long. Alright, painters! _painters pull in the background_ Make up! _the animals are pounded with makeup, some go into coughing fits _And last but not least, lights! _bright lights flash on_ Camera! _the cameraman starts rolling_ Action! _the room fades to black, until a sunrise is seen, and a male singer is heard_

Male singer: Nants ingonyama bagithi baba!

Background singers: Sithi uhm ingonyama

Male singer: Nants ingonyama bagi- _suddenly goes into coughing fit; the music abruptly stops_

Director: CUT! Can we get this guy a lozenge? Thanks. Ok people let's try again. _the room fades to black once more, the sunrise cues, and a male singer tries again_

Male singer: Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba

Background singers: Sithi uhm ingonyama

Male singer: Nants ingonyama bagithi baba

Sithi uhm ingonyama

Ingonyama

Background singers: Siyo Nqoba-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Director: Cut! What now?!

Writer: Sorry sir, one of the singers saw a mouse.

Director: A **mouse**?! Where?! U-uh I mean, how did we get a mouse?

Writer: Well, mice actually. And we don't know but they're gone for now.

Director: _sighing in relief_ Oh, thank heavens. _looks down and suddenly screams; two mice are scurrying by his feet, carrying cheese cubes in their mouths. Unaware to the writer or director, they appear to be wearing clothes_

Jacque: C'mon Gus-Gus! There's a lot bigger Rusafee's here than at Cinderelly's!

Gus: Uh, I'm 'a comin', I'm 'a comin'! _both run through a tiny hole in the wall, except for Gus who gets stuck in the process, but Jacque pulls him through_

Director: I want that hole caulked before the end of today!

Writer: Right away sir.

Director: Sorry about that folks. Let's continue.

Male singer: Nants ingonyama bagithi baba

Background singers: Sithi uhm ingonyama

Male singer: Nants ingonyama bagithi baba _a rhino can be seen, then a herd of gazelles, then meerkats and finally a cheetah; all staring at something_

Sithi uhm ingonyama

Ingonyama

Director: What're they staring at?

Writer: I believe some of the stage crew members had to get some to cooperate by using food as bribes. …Should we stop?

Director: …No, keep 'em this way, I like it!

Male singer and Background singers: Ingonyama _Cranes can be seen, they fly at seeing the sunrise_

Ingonyama nengw' enamabala _a bunch of elephants can be seen walking past a mountain_

Ingonyama nengw' enamabala _gazelles can be seen leaping in a hurry…only to leave everyone's jaws on the ground when they realize why they are running_

Director: Someone get a leash on that cheetah! _the cheetah previously seen at the beginning is pursuing the gazelles_

Writer: Sorry sir, he didn't eat breakfast.

Director: Well show 'em the catering table!

Writer: He said he doesn't trust the caterers and would only eat it if he caught it himself. _suddenly a crashing noise is heard, followed by the sound of breaking bones…and then a trumpet from out of nowhere plays a sad song as some of the workers on the set take of their hats as others bow their heads_

Director: There goes our "No Animals were Harmed" guarantee… _sighs_ Alright, let's take it from where we left off!

Male singer and Background singers: Ingonyama nengw' enamabala

Ingonyama nengw' enamabala

Female singer: From the day we arrive on the planet _two giraffes appear onscreen_

And blinking, step into the sun

There's more to see than can ever be seen

More to do than can ever be done _ants are seen crawling on a branch_

There's far too much to take in here _a herd of elephants are stomping, while a bunch of birds are hopping to get by_

More to find than can ever be found _on accident, one bird gets stomped; everyone gasps_

Director: There! See I told you! "Don't put the flightless birds near the elephants" I said. "Oh they'll be ok" they said. Well does that look ok to you budget, stock and share holders?!

Cameraman: Uh sir we're still rolling.

Director: Well shut it off and somebody call a vet! _a vet comes in and takes the injured bird away, while another bird is delivered in_ Perfect. Ok this time all pachyderms are to watch where they step. Action!

Female singer: But the sun rolling high _a reflection of the sun is seen on the water, zebras trample through it_

Through the sapphire sky

Keeps great and small on the endless round _An elephant is seen holding a bunch of birds on its tusks_

Elephant: Is this supposed to be some kind of "payback"?

Director: No talking! Keep walking with those birds!

Female singer: It's the Circle of Life

Director: And, cue the majordomo! _Zazu can be seen swooping in from a side-view_

Female singer: And it moves us all

Through despair and hope _suddenly, he misses a turn and crashes into the top of priderock_

Director: Cut! _Zazu quickly peels himself off_

Zazu: I'm alright! I'm alright! Please, go about the scene. _dusts himself off and continues flying_

Director: _sighing_ Cue the king. _Mufasa is seen standing at the edge, Zazu flies up to him…only to crash beak-first into his face; Mufasa quickly puts a paw to his eye_

Mufasa: Argh! I think he cut my eye! _Scar is seen on the side_

Scar: Now you know how it feels!

Director: Hey, you're not supposed to be here! Why do you the next scene is the king yelling at you?! Alright people let's cue the bird again.

Writer: Wait sir, he doesn't look so good. _Zazu can be seen with a black eye_

Director: Hm, good point. Ok new idea; we cover up that with some make-up, then shoot the bird from a rear angle-

Zazu: Never say "shoot" around an animal. _the rest of the cast nods_

Director: _a bit annoyed the bird interrupted him_ Then, after he reaches the king we film him from the front but not close-up. Yep, that sounds like a good idea. Ok everyone, let's try this one more time!

Female singer: Through despair and hope _Zazu is seen flying from a rear-angle, he flies up to Mufasa again and lands without a problem, then bows; Mufasa smiles and nods in turn_

Through faith and love

Director: And cue the baboon.

Offstage voice: Mandrill!

Director: No lunch break for you!

Female singer**:** Till we find our place _Rafiki can be seen walking through the crowd, then up to Mufasa._

One the path unwinding _the two embrace…until there is a cracking noise_

Rafiki: My back! My back! Oh-ho Great Spirits, my baaaack!!

Director: Cut! Call the chiropractor/vet! And uh Mufasa, try to be a little less affectionate. We know you're mad about your eye but don't take it out on the rest of the cast members; you can do that do the overcharging caterers during break.

Expensive Caterers: Huh?

Director: Alright people back where we started.

Female singer: On the path unwinding

In the Circle

The Circle of Life _Mufasa and Rafiki walk in to see Sarabi with a tiny cub in her hands; Rafiki shakes his stick in front of the cub, who reaches up to it with his paws. Then the shaman breaks a gourd in two and spreads some juice across its forehead, before picking up some sand and sprinkling it on the cub…who starts crying_

Director: Cut!! What did you do?!

Rafiki: I tried to put on enough sand to show up on camera! _at all the yelling, the cub only bawls more_

Director: Aw great. Is there a nurse anywhere?

Rafiki: I'm a shaman.

Director: I've had enough of your antics for one scene! …That is, if it weren't for this next one…

Sarabi: Why? What does he have to do?

Writer: He has to carry the cub all the way to the top of priderock and hold it up for the animals to see.

Zazu: Are you insane? I wouldn't leave this blue-bottomed annoyance in the presence of an elephant!

Rafiki: Excuse me, but keep in mind here you ah not de one carrying de stick.

Director: He has a point, and I was hit by that thing at least a dozen times during his audition. Alright, but this is the last scene of the movie: make it look admirable! Admirable I say!!

Writer: I need to stop putting in so much sugar in his coffee…

Director: What's that supposed to mean?! I'm not on a sugar-high if that's your assumption! I just want this to be an award-winning film! …And we are going to do it, with or without the flying blue pandas up on the ceiling!

Everyone: Flying blue pandas?

Writer: _sighing_ Just do the next take. _the music lightly plays as Rafiki holds the cub, now calmed and slightly happy, over his shoulder and walks to the edge of priderock. The music gets more and more loud the closer he gets, until…_

Female singer: It's the Circle life _Rafiki lifts the cub into the air, nothing happens_

Director: Uh, you animals in the crowd?

Animals: Yes?

Director: You're supposed to cheer when he shows the future king!!

Animals: Ohhhhhhh.

Rafiki: _tries to keep ahold of the cub_ Uh, mista directa, ah'm losing my- _the cub suddenly slips through the primate's hands, everyone gasps as it falls, luckily it is caught by a certain meerkat and warthog_

Timon and Pumbaa: Huh?

Director: Hey, what're you two doing there?

Timon: Followin' our scripts for the movie.

Director: …Normally I'd yell at you for this, but seeing as how you guys just saved the cub I'll let it pass. But f.y.i., you two aren't to be revealed in this particular crowd until the third movie. Now if you'll be so kind as to bring it back to the nurse's office? _Timon and Pumbaa take the cub to the nurse_)Well, now that that's taken care of, I WANT THIS MONKEY GIVEN AN INJECTION OF SOME KIND, THEN WE'LL DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY!!

Offstage voice: There he is, sir! _Rafiki can be seen laughing madly as he runs out of the studio_

Director: Aw forget it! I hired some scenery painters, right? Well while we're taking the monkey-

Offstage voice: Baboon.

Second offstage voice: Mandrill.

Director: YOU'RE BOTH SUSPENDED WITHOUT PAY!!

Both voices: _groaning_ Awwwww.

Director: Look, you artists just make the scenery look all nicey-nice while we're gone alright? After that primate!! _half the crew runs out the door after Rafiki_

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

_cut to a view of Simba and Nala on the sidewalk_

Nala: I still can't believe this; paying 900 dollars for both our tickets just to watch ourselves be humiliated.

Simba: But hopefully once we're in there we'll see who's behind this. _they walk up to Cheetahto, Simba shows him two tickets_ Here's our tickets. Now can we get in? _the cheetah looks at a clipboard he's holding_

Cheetahto: Sorry you're not on the list.

Simba and Nala: List?

Nala: You never said anything about a list. _Cheetahto looks at the list again_

Cheetahto: Oh, my apologies; you two ARE on the list _both lions look hopeful until the cheetah says_ of those not to let in.

Simba and Nala: What?

Cheetahto: That's right. Along with a Mr. Zazu, Rafiki, Scar, Banzai, Ed, Gopher, and Ms. Sarabi, Sarafina and Shenzi, you two are not to be allowed within this premise by orders of the people projecting this film.

Simba: Well who are the people projecting this film?

Cheetahto: I'm sorry but due to your presence here being highly inadmissible, you'll both have to leave. Now, will you do it cooperatively or will I have to introduce you to the security guard again? _Simba narrows his eyes…until he notices a hole in the fence surrounding the drive-in. Pretending he isn't bothered by what Cheetahto just said, he casually takes Nala's hand_

Simba: Alright, guess you win. _starts to walk away_ We'll be leaving now.

Nala: Simba!

Simba: _whispering_ Just keep walking. _while the two are leaving though, they fail to notice three more individuals come up to the cheetah_

Cheetahto: May I see your tickets please? _he is grabbed by the throat and dragged off-screen, by that time Simba and Nala reach the break in the fence. Simba steps through the opening_

Simba: _holding his hand out to help her_ Just keep quiet and step through. _Nala blinks and reluctantly takes his hand, he helps her step over into the hole and the two begin to sneak around the audience, out of site, towards backstage_

Nala: _whispering_ Are you sure about this?

Simba: Well I am sure I want to find out who's responsible for what's going on.

Nala: Why don't I like how you said that?

Security Guard: Hey, you two! _they look over and see a pair of security guards glaring at them, Simba grabs Nala's hand and the two make a run for it_

_Meanwhile…_

_Shenzi, Banzai and Ed are also sneaking into the drive-in, Cheetahto can be seen unconscious in a nearby dumpster_

Shenzi: Alright I think we're gettin' close.

Banzai: Well yeah; whadja expect when they had a cheetah at the front gate? _Ed can be seen chewing gum, he puts another piece in his mouth and chomps loudly; Shenzi and Banzai are disgusted_ Close your mouth when ya chew that stuff, man.

Shenzi: _through her teeth_ Would you clamp it?! They mighta had a cheetah for the ticket guy but they's got gorillas and elephants fo' security. And I don't wanna hafta run into any of 'em. …Besides, at least that gum soaks up what he might spit on us. _Ed suddenly starts laughing, trying to catch his friends' attention, and once he does points in a direction up ahead. Looking that way, Shenzi and Banzai see the projectory room and Shenzi grins evilly before looking back at the two males_ You boys got whatcha need?

Voice: Get those two!!

Shenzi, Banzai and Ed: Huh? _both look in the direction of the voice, only to see Simba and Nala rush past them, being pursued by a gorilla and an elephant. The trio only notice the security guards and flee as well_

Gorilla Security Guard: Aw great, now there's three more! (looks at the elephant beside him) I'll keep tailing the lions, _points in direction the hyenas took_ you go after them. _both run in two different paths; eventually the gorilla gets to Simba and Nala and traps both in each arm, while the elephant wraps up Shenzi, Banzai and Ed in its trunk. All five struggle, until the elephant raises its trunk with the trio still ensnared and points it away from the drive-in_

Shenzi: Tell me he's not- _the elephant emits a loud trumpet as it slings the three hyenas away, they are heard screaming in the distance, meanwhile, the gorilla drops Simba and Nala to the sidewalk through the hole they came in through_

Gorilla Security Guard: And just to make sure you two don't try anything stupid like that again- _he blocks the hole with a bunch of bricks, cartoon style, and walks away. As he leaves, Simba and Nala dust themselves off_

Nala: Well that was a complete waste of time.

Simba: We need to tell the others about this.

Voice behind them: No need. _the two look back, to see Zazu with gopher_

Simba and Nala: Zazu?

Simba: What're you doing here?

Zazu: Gopher caught site of the flier, after which the two of us came straight over.

Simba: This is just what we need! You could fly over the drive-in and see who's showing this movie.

Zazu: _sorrowfully_ Sadly, I already tried that, but they have a roof over the backstage. When I tried to swoop down, one of the giraffe security guards caught me, and now they're putting a net over the whole premise. _the four look over when a net is suddenly put over the premise; Zazu sighs_ Speak of the devil.

Nala: Well wait, can't gopher tunnel under and see who's doing this?

Gopher: That has also been done my queen. Unfortunately, with failing results.

Simba: Well I'm not giving up without a fight.

Zazu: I admire your fortitude sire, but, how exactly do you plan to get in?

Simba: …Don't worry, I'm sure I'll think of something.

_Meanwhile…_

_cut to Shenzi, climbing out of what the trio landed in; a dumpster_

Shenzi: _taking a banana peel out of her bangs_ Ok, now I'm mad.

Banzai: _heard from inside the dumpster_ Uh, Shenzi, couldja come here for a sec?

Shenzi: Why?

Banzai: …It's easier to explain if ya see it for yourself. _Shenzi rolls her eyes and walks over_

Shenzi: _looking inside the dumpster_ What? _her eyes widen when she sees Banzai and Ed stuck in a ridiculously large wad of bubble gum at the bottom; Ed chews it a few times then blows a bubble_

Banzai: I toldja we shouldn't 'a let 'im take the whole pack!!


	4. A Star is Scarred

In case you didn't realize, all these chapters are based on scenes from the movie on DVD. Just go to "scene selection" and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Also, I co-wrote this next update with Jagabor! It was fun working with him and he was a lot of help, so be sure to thank him for it. (Btw, think you can notice which work is his and which is mine? Think of it as a game/update all in one.)

Btw, I know this took a little longer than expected, but even after I had finished there was a three-day delay due to me being suspended. Apparently you can't make quizzes on here so my story "Shenzi, Banzai, Ed or T?" was removed. (And yes, I was angry…_very_ angry). Fortunately, you can expect to see that little quiz coming up on another certain account of mine on lionking(dot)org.

Well now that that's all said and done, on with the update!

* * *

(Timon and Pumbaa are seen backstage; Timon is drooling over the money they're making because of all the arrivals and Pumbaa is staring sadly at the box of films in front of him. Timon peeks out from behind the curtain, careful not to show the audience his face.)

Timon: Wouldja look at that? The joint's overflowing!! I can see the picket fence bending from all the turnout right here! Ready to start the next show, Pumbaa?

Pumbaa: Oh, I guess…

Timon: What's eatin' you? …Besides the animals with no sense of smell! (Starts laughing, as he is, Pumbaa starts going through the box of props, and stacks them in a pile beside himself. He notices one of the props is missing from the box, and turns to Timon)

Pumbaa: Timon, have you seen your hula skirt? (Timon freezes in typical meerkat-fashion, before turning to Pumbaa)

Timon: (nervously) Uh…it got destroyed! Yeah, that's right. In the filming of the final scene, I accidentally dropped it in the pyro, it burned to a crisp. (Pumbaa stares at Timon for a long time, before turning back to the pile of props)

Pumbaa: Ah, I see…Timon?

Timon: (annoyed) What now?

Pumbaa: You must have taken all these pictures of yourself wearing it before then, right?

Timon: (completely surprised) PICTURES? WHAT PICTURES? (Pumbaa holds up a bunch of pictures of Timon in his grass skirt, standing in various poses)

Timon: (even more surprised than before) WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE?

Pumbaa: Timon… (Looks serious) how would you feel if someone showed embarrassing moments of us?

Timon: (also starting to look serious and he raises an eyebrow in suspicion) What are you saying, Pumbaa? (Suddenly the demanding crowd's voices are heard from outside)

Audience: SHOW TIME! SHOW TIME! SHOW TIME!

Timon: Enough chatter Pumbaa! That crowd's not gonna wait forever. Hurry up and get the next scene! It's lyin' right in front of you! …Lyin'…lion! (Laughs once more. Pumbaa sighs and walks up to the projector and starts the show)

* * *

Director: (speaking into a megaphone) Ok people, now that we're past the prologue, we're gonna bring in our villain.

Shenzi: When we gettin' paid?

Director: Sorry uh, I can't hear you over the…maintenance crew! Yeah, ya might wanna put in a sound barrier while you're at it boys! (Chuckles nervously) Ok let's see, for this scene we're gonna need a few props: as in some rocks, and a mouse.

Some female workers: NOT IT!! (One woman groans as the others wipe their brows in relief)

Random worker: Why a mouse? Didn't we try to get rid of a couple of mice the other day? Is this some special kind of mouse? Or is it supposed to represent something? Is it-? (The director cuts him off)

Director: It just fits in with the scene.

Random worker: How? Is it for dramatic effect? Or, because it's tortured, is it just supposed to make people hate the villain more?

Voice off-screen: You don't need much to do that!! (Everybody turns to see a woman with two kids behind her)

Director: Who're you?

Woman: I'm the wife of one of your maintenance workers. AND YOUR VILLAIN PUT MY HUSBAND IN THE HOSPITAL!

Scar: You mean in my audition? Oh come now, I barely touched him.

Woman: HE'S IN A BODY CAST!!

Director: Listen, all of us here are unhappy about your husband's injuries. (A pause, before he sternly looks at everyone at the set) …I said, ALL OF US HERE ARE UNHAPPY ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND'S INJURIES. (Everybody seems to finally get the point and pretends to nod/mourn in agreement) So how 'bout we fix you up with a nice settlement, and you don't sue us? 8,000 dollars sound ok?

Woman: 15,000.

Director: ARE YOU NUTS?! WE'RE OVER BUDGET AS IT IS! WE EVEN HAD TO DOWN-TECH OUR SECURITY SYSTEM!

Shenzi, Banzai (and Ed): (clearly irritable) Don't remind us.

Woman: 20,000.

Director: WHAT?! YOU SURE IT'S YOUR HUSBAND THAT BELONGS IN THE HOSPITAL?!

Woman: 25,0-

Director: OK! OK! (Leaning over to the writer) Find somebody to write a 20,000 dollar check to this shrew. (The writer looks over at the woman)

Writer: She looks more like a human to me.

Director: GET OUTTA HERE!! (The writer quickly runs off the set, while the woman and her children are escorted out. The director sighs and picks up the megaphone again) Places please! (The cast scurries to where they're needed; a slightly nervous woman carries a small gray mouse in a cage towards the set, and as fast as she can sets it down; immediately going into a fit of "Eww's!" and "Gross'!" as she hurries away. And the writer returns after giving the wife of the injured stagehand a 20,000 dollar check) Lights! (Overhead lights flash on) Camera! (Cameraman starts rolling, then a random stagehand comes up front with a scene marker)

Stagehand: Scar: take one. (Claps the marker)

Director: ACTION! (A mouse scurries out of a hole, pokes around some, casually grooms itself…before sniffing the air a few times…and walking off screen) CUT! What's wrong?!

Writer: It appears he went for the catering table, sir. (All heads turn to see the mouse eating some cheese on one of the hors d'oeuvre plate)

Director: What?! But I thought a recent study proved that mice didn't like cheese!

Writer: This is Disney, sir. Anything goes. (The director sighs)

Director: Alright, let's try this again. (A stagehand walks back up with the marker)

Stagehand: Scar: take two. (Claps the marker again; the mouse scurries out again, pokes around some, casually grooms itself…before sniffing the air a few times …just before a paw quickly smacks itself on top of it…the paw remains on the ground)

Director: Uh, Scar, you're supposed to lift up the mouse and say your line.

Scar: (seeming a bit uncomfortable) Well…normally I would, but, in this case scenario…

Director: What? (Scar sighs and rolls his eyes)

Scar: Is there a vet in the house? …Or perhaps a double for the rodent? (Raises his paw off the ground to reveal a very…"flattened" mouse; everyone seen is either shocked or sickened)

Young Simba and Young Nala: Ewwww.

Director: (starting to turn green) Somebody get the vet…and a doctor. …And Scar-(quickly puts a hand over his mouth as he gags) try to hold back a little more in the future. Take five people!

_A few minutes later…_

Director: Alright, nausea cleared, mouse replaced, lawsuits taken care of; let's get this show on the road, people!

Zazu: (whispering to Mufasa) They don't pay us enough to do this. (The stagehand comes up with the marker)

Stagehand: Scar, take three. (claps the marker; the mouse scurries onscreen, Scar smacks his paw onto it, a little less harder this time, and brings the struggling rodent to his face as he speaks)

Scar: Life's not fair, is it? You see I, well I, shall never be king. Never see the break of dawn from the borders of my kingdom, never stand atop my metaphorical pedestal, never make a somewhat-worthy lioness my queen, never-

Mouse: Uh can we move this along? All the blood's rushing to my head and everything's starting to look pink.

Director: Alright, alright! First-off, your character doesn't talk! Second-off, it doesn't complain either.

Mouse: But you wrote down half a page for this part! And what do you expect me do to, hang here until I pass out?

Director: I pay you to be an actor, not a whiner! …Or in this particular scene, a "squeaker" I suppose.

Writer: Uh sir, perhaps it is a good idea to cut out a few lines from the speech; it'd keep the audience's interest piqued and keep the blood at a regular flow for our rodent cast member here.

Mouse: Hey, who're you callin' a rodent?!

Scar: If this scene doesn't end soon I'm going call you "lunch".

Director: Wait a second…we could add that! (Looks at the writer) Quick, grab a pen and make some changes to the script! (The writer runs off while the director sits in his chair) "Lunch", who woulda thought you had some creativity in that twisted little mind of yours, Scar?

Scar: Yes, all the females say I'm full of surprises. (the female cast members, AKA Sarabi, Sarafina and Shenzi, since they are old enough to know what he's talking about, glare at him and Nala tilts her head in confusion. Meanwhile the director pauses…until he realizes what Scar meant and bolts up from his chair)

Director: Why you-!! (Ed guffaws hysterically, Banzai cackles, Zazu and the lions look away as they chuckle, and a few maintenance workers laugh amongst themselves; the director notices this and becomes angry) NO LUNCH BREAK!! (The laughter immediately stops…only to be replaced by glares from the animal cast, some of them even close in on the director, who becomes nervous) Uh…so…lunch break in ten?

A few random hyenas: Five.

Director: Sounds good to me!

_A few more minutes later…_

(We see Scar holding the mouse right after he says his line)

Director: Cue the bird! (Scar grins and opens his jaws as nears the mouse closer to his mouth…but then he is suddenly stopped when a voice is heard from behind)

Zazu: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?

Scar: Yes but from the way father acted, it appeared he wanted me to choke on it.

Banzai: Wah, wah. Ya want a bottle with that cubby? 'Least you had a dad!

Scar: (angrily turning towards him) I'd rather not have one that nearly beat me to death!!

Director: Alright, that's enough you two! Anyway, I could care less about the family lives of my villains! Just get on with the scene. And Scar, keep your personal life off the set and stick to the script! (the stagehand walks on again)

Stagehand: Scar: Take seven. (clacks the marker)

Director: Action!

Zazu: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?

Scar: (groans and looks away as he rolls his eyes) What do you want?

Zazu: (smiles as he bows) I'm here to announce, that King Mufasa's on his way! (scowls up at the lion) So you'd better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony this morning.

Scar: I couldn't come. There simply was not enough room for me and your massive ego.

Director: Scar!!

Scar: (looking surprised as he puts a paw to his chin; much similar to the scene with Simba) Oops. (the director sighs as the stagehand comes up again)

Stagehand: Scar: Take eight. (clacks the marker)

Zazu: So you'd better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony this morning.

Scar: Well, now you know how I felt when you missed my birthday party.

Zazu: THAT WAS SIX YEARS AGO!!

Scar: And the pain never ceases.

Director: Cut!! (the stagehand comes up again)

Stagehand: Scar: Take nine. (clacks the marker)

Zazu: So you'd better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony this morning.

Scar: I did have an excuse…but my hyena ate it. (Ed appears and waves)

Director: CUT!! (Shenzi walks onscreen and drags Ed away by the ear; Ed can be heard whimpering from the pain)

_A few **hours **later…_

Stagehand: (looking tired; along with everyone else, excluding Scar, in the studio) Scar: take fifty-eight.

Zazu: (tired, and staggering a bit) So you'd better…uh…you better…have a good excuse for…for…for… Oh I give up! We've been at this all day! And we're all exhausted! Let's face it: until this little "game" of his gets old, every time I say my line, he'll just come up with some impertinent comeback to respond with!

Director: The banana-beak makes an excellent point. …FIRE UP THE COFFEE POT!

Everybody: Huh?

Young Simba: (excited) Even us?!

Young Nala: (confused) Even us?

Director: Eh, sure. Why not?

Mufasa, Sarabi, and Sarafina: What?!

Sarafina: You can't give coffee to them! They're just kids!

Sarabi: Besides we stopped letting Simba have sugar after the um… (Looks away as Mufasa clears his throat; Scar and Zazu grimace)

Scar and Zazu: Don't remind me.

Writer: Besides, neither of them are even in this scene, why would they need to stay awake?

Director: Because those who aren't affected by caffeine might be kept awake by their sugar-buzzed antics.

Writer: What?

Director: Uh, nothing!

_One coffee break later…_

Director: Ok, everybody back in business?

Writer: Looks like it, sir. …Um, wait a minute, where's Simba?

Young Nala: Uh, mister director guy?

Director: What?

Young Nala: …I think you should come see this. (Cut to the catering kitchen, the director's jaw drops at the site; there's splatters of food everywhere, some cabinets are torn right off their hinges, the refrigerator is a wreck, and the table is missing one and a half if its legs)

Director: WHAT HAPPENED?!

Young Nala: I saw Simba have just one cup of coffee, but then he got this weird look in his eyes, and the next thing I know, he's ransacking the place trying to find more. Looks like he already got to the kitchen before I could stop him.

Writer: Where's he now?

Young Nala: Last I saw he moved on to some areas of the studio…like the actor's dressing rooms… (cut to the view of the dressing rooms; the group stops at the first door they see, with a star at the top labeled "Zazu", torn off its hinges. They go inside to see the room in shambles, and Zazu taking cover under a chair)

Zazu: Is he gone?

Director: And this kid just had one cup?! I've heard of lightweights but this is ridiculous!

Young Nala: We gotta find 'im before he hurts himself! (runs off to find Simba, Zazu glares at the director)

Zazu: This is all your fault! If you hadn't have let that overly-sensitive-to-caffeine child actor have coffee, this wouldn't have happened!

Director: Hey, "To Err is Human".

Zazu: And "To Peck is Hornbill! (flies over to the director and begins jabbing him with his beak)

Director: Ow! Hey! Ouch! Stop it!

Nala's voice: Hey! Look over here!! (the writer runs out of the room, the director, still being pecked by Zazu, follows. The three arrive at Scar's dressing room; the star on his door is dangling off. They all see the lion's room is in no better shape than Zazu's, and Scar can be seen trying to get a flower vase off his head.)

Scar: When I get my paws on that little hairball-! …And the director shall be feeling a bit of it too!

Director: (starting to shuffle out of the room) Uh, I'll just be back on the set if anybody needs me. (darts off; Nala, Zazu and the writer look back at Scar)

Young Nala: Well, if we're ever gonna find Simba, somebody's gotta get that vase off his head; he's the one who saw him last. (the group shares nervous glances, before eventually putting their hand, paw and wing in the middle)

All: Rock, paper, scissors! (Nala does paper, as does Zazu, the writer does rock)

Zazu and Nala: Paper covers rock!

Writer: …Best 2 out of 3? (Zazu and Nala shake their heads, and watch as he reluctantly goes up to the lion. He grabs onto the vase and gives a hard tug; getting the vase off but also sending himself across the room from yanking too much. Nala and Zazu flinch as he crashes, seeing that the vase is now off, Scar angrily looks back in the mirror; his mane is a mess)

Scar: Argh! It'll take hours to get this mane perfect again!

Zazu: So sorry to hear about your misfortunate encounter, (under his breath) although you aren't the only animal who had one, (regular tone) but we have an overly-caffeinated lion cub to obtain. And without a writer, who is currently unconscious from yanking that vase off of your skull, we certainly have a problem now.

Scar: What're you talking about? If anything, we have even more chance of catching him with me instead of that Welcome Mat of a human.

Zazu: And that's exactly what I'm worried about: without him, there's nobody to stop you from ripping the misguided lion cub to shreds when we find him.

Scar: …I'll admit what you say makes sense.

Nala: Well I won't let anything else happen to Simba. (looks at Scar) You saw which way he went after…this, didn't you?

Scar: All I saw was him racing for the door two seconds before everything went dark. So can you think of any other ways to find and "rescue" your little friend?

Feminine voice: (heard from outside) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Zazu: There's a good hint. (the three follow the voice and end up at a hall labeled "Actresses", Nala quickly swerves in front of Zazu and Scar)

Nala: Hold on a minute! That sign says "Actresses". Meaning one: you two aren't supposed to go in there, and two: it's my territory, I'll handle it. (she goes in alone…and her eyes widen at what she sees) Simba! (Simba can be seen storming in and out of Sarabi's dressing room, then Sarafina's, and finally, Shenzi's; which proves to be a mistake)

Shenzi: GET OUT!!

Simba's voice: Ouch! (Nala runs towards Shenzi's dressing room only to see Simba, who has a very large bump on his head, barge out and Shenzi, who is baring her teeth, shout after him; the lioness cub can see she's only dressed in a towel)

Shenzi: TRY THAT AGAIN YA LITTLE TOOTHPICK AND YOU'LL WISH I'D ONLY DONE THAT! (Nala sees she's holding a hairbrush in her paw, and carefully sidesteps the angry hyena)

Nala: Uh, s-sorry. I'll take care of it. (quickly darts after him) Simba! (eventually she chases him back to the set, where she sees Mufasa holding him under his paw while at the same time guarding him from Scar; Zazu can be seen unconscious at the floor right next to a wall, and Ed and Banzai are merely watching the whole thing. Nala pants for breath as she approaches while the director arrives out of nowhere)

Director: (glancing at Simba) Well, look who's back. (notices Nala has also returned) Oh, don't worry about catching him, Nala; Mufasa's got it handled. (she merely glares at she continues to heave for breath; Simba meanwhile is struggling in his father's grip)

Mufasa: He'll be back to normal in a couple hours. But no more coffee, ever. (the female cast members join the others on the set; looking irritated for some reason)

Director: I trust you ladies survived that little episode?

Sarabi: Yes, but my son is grounded after his next scene.

Sarafina: Barely.

Shenzi: Considerin' that little perv flew right in my dressin' room. (Banzai quickly appears shocked after hearing this, until he starts to turn red in the face; Ed laughs hysterically as Zazu continues to stay out cold)

Banzai: WHAT?! I'm gonna kill that kid!!

Director: Not until scene six you're not. Ok, everybody stand by. Scar, Zazu, Mufasa; I need you all on set. (sees Zazu is still unconscious on the ground) Oh right. Could somebody get a bucket?! (a stagehand comes up and dumps a pail of cold water on Zazu, who shrieks and jumps in the air after coming to) Alright, we're rolling in five! (Scar and Mufasa exchange glances before shrugging and going back to their scene; Zazu wrings the water out of his tail, before following. But suddenly Mufasa pauses as Sarabi gets a look of realization on her face)

Mufasa and Sarabi: What about Simba?

Director: Nurse! …Er, make that, veterinary assistant! (the vet assistant walks up)

Vet Assistant: Yes sir?

Director: Give junior here a little something to calm him down.

Vet Assistant: Yes sir. (takes Simba and leaves the set, the director picks up the megaphone again)

Director: Alright! Zazu, Scar, ready to continue where we left off?!

Zazu: (sighing) If we must.

Stagehand: Scar: take fifty-nine. (claps marker, after which Zazu looks back up at Scar) So you'd better have a good excuse missing the ceremony this morning, blah, blah; just say your line.

Scar: I missed it? Wow. I must've lost track of time when I was styling my mane! (looks at the director) Speaking of which I'm out of hair products.

Director: (begins to grip his chair so much his knuckles turn white) Scar…

Scar: Oh alright; forgive me if I thought a little joke might lighten our spirits after what just happened.

Zazu: Not if that joke's been told three times in a row!

Scar: (smirking) Four: counting what I just said.

Director: Just get it right this time!

Stagehand: Scar: take sixty. (claps marker)

Director: Action!

Zazu: (glaring) So you'd better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony this morning.

Scar: I couldn't come because…this just happened! (Smacks Zazu into wall so hard his body goes halfway through the rock; everyone is shocked at Scar's actions)

Writer: …How could you do that?

Scar: (smirking) I pretended he was the director.

Banzai: (whispering to Shenzi) Maybe we should do that in our last scene.

Director: SCAR!! (everybody turns to see the director is so furious he gets up from his chair and starts approaching Scar) After each and every time we've went through this, after specifically explaining to you not to do it again, EVEN AFTER I LET YOU KEEP THOSE CYANIDE-LOLLIPOPS IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM, YOU STILL CONTINUE TO TORTURE ME, AND THE CAST! WHY?!

Everybody: Cyanide lollipops?

Familiar voice: Hey everybody! (everyone looks to see Simba approaching with a white stick poking out of his mouth)

Nala: Simba?

Sarabi: You're back already?

Simba: Yeah, the vet's 'sistant fixed me! (looks and sees a few people snickering) What? What's so funny? …Aw well, and she even gave me a lollipop!

Mufasa, Sarabi, and Nala: Lollipop?

Vet Assistant: Well actually Scar gave it to me. He said it was his nephew's favorite flavor. (everyone's eyes widen)

Simba: …Why are you all staring at me like that? (Sarabi, Sarafina, and Nala rush up to him; Nala begins yanking on the stick poking out of his mouth. Simba protests and yanks it back) Hey! Nala, get your own!

Nala: SPIT IT OUT!!

Sarabi: MY BABY!!

Sarafina: SOMEBODY GET AN AMBULANCE!! (Scar merely smirks as he watches it all. Banzai and Ed look back at Scar and raise their brows as if impressed, Timon and Pumbaa stare at him, and Rafiki and Zazu glare at the villain)

Zazu: (angrily) You're a monster!!

Scar: Well I try. But thank-you for the flattery.

Banzai: (smirking) Preparin' for Halloween a little early this year?

Scar: Well, "Be Prepared" is my motto.

Timon: Ever consider "Hakuna Matata"? It involves a lot less homicide. (suddenly a ferocious roar is heard; Banzai, Ed, Timon Pumbaa, Rafiki and Zazu all scramble out of the way just before Mufasa leaps on Scar and begins beating the living hell out of him)

Mufasa: YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!! THOSE HYENAS WON'T EVEN GET A SCRAP AFTER I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!! (Banzai, Ed, Timon, Pumbaa, Rafiki and Zazu watch the fight from a reasonable distance)

Banzai: (shouting towards Scar) Just stay down and keep 'em covered! (Ed laughs hysterically)

Zazu: (shouting towards Mufasa) Show him what for, your highness!!

Rafiki: (also shouting towards Mufasa) Don't be ahfraid to ahsk to borrow de stick! De stick can be useful in dis situation!

Timon: C'mon slash-eye, I got money runnin' on this fight! (Pumbaa turns to his friend and gasps)

Pumbaa: Timon…you bet? And on the bad guy? (the other four hear this and it earns some stares for Timon)

Timon: What? You guys can't tell me you've never bet in a fight.

Pumbaa: But we're supposed to be Simba's foster parents in a later scene after his father dies.

Timon: Well…call it "tough love". (points his thumb at Ed) Besides this guy bet me fifty bucks that Mufasa would win. How could I pass that up?! (now everyone is staring at Ed)

Banzai: Ed? (Ed merely grins and hangs his tongue out. Suddenly the group hears a noise and looks back at the fight to see Mufasa walking away without a scratch and Scar…)

Everybody: (as they are turning away) Ewwwwww. (Ed smirks and holds out his paw towards Timon, who scowls before pulling out some money and handing it to him; Ed then begins counting while Timon takes Pumbaa by the tusk and leads him away. Rafiki and Zazu follow Mufasa. Ed looks back at Shenzi, who is watching Nala, Sarabi and Sarafina follow Simba into an ambulance that speeds off, and Scar leaving with the paramedics and make-up artists, before checking to see if Banzai is looking.

When he sees he isn't, he sneaks over towards her; unfortunately, Banzai casually turns his head right after he leaves and his eyes widen when he sees Ed approaching Shenzi…before raising an eyebrow in suspicion as he sees the two talking. Then a vein begins to show near his head as he sees Ed hug Shenzi, who seems a bit surprised but casually hugs him back, then he gives her a lick on the nose, she smiles, and the two part to go finish the scene. Ed walks back to Banzai and grins …but stops when he sees his friend is growling at him)

Banzai: And just what the hell were you doing? (Ed tilts his head for a moment, before getting a look of realization on his face and taking out the money he won from Timon, and handing Banzai some of it) What's this? (Ed babbles frantically, and after hearing what he said Banzai's eyes widen) Food money?! (Ed talks in gibberish) Split up for the three of us?! (Ed nods and appears to be explaining something; Banzai only appears worse after hearing him) You asked Shenzi to help you divide it evenly?! (Ed nods again, and seems to be asking Banzai what he thought they were doing; Banzai's eyes dart back and forth guiltily) Uh…nothin'! …Hey wait a sec, if that's what happened, then why'd ya have to sneak off to do it?! (Ed grunts anxiously) Whaddya mean I'd take all the money without even sortin' it out?!

Director: Alright people, Scar just got out of make-up! Rehearsal in ten!

_A few minutes later…_

Zazu: (trying to hold back a "you got what you deserved" smirk but glares to stay in-character) So you'd better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony this morning.

Scar: Wait a minute, Mufasa's coming?! I'm out of here!! (starts to flee, but is held back by Banzai and Ed)

Director: It's ok Scar; he's not going to beat you up. (whispering to the writer) Lemme guess, still shaken from the fight?

Writer: A bit.

Director: Yeah, that's what I thought. Banzai, Ed, bring 'im back! (the two male hyenas drag Scar onset then walk off-screen) Now, I hope there won't be anymore smart-alecky comments from you after this.

Scar: Actually, I'm finished. (everyone is stunned)

Director: What?

Scar: All out of material: didn't get a lot of chances to speak with Ed between breaks. (After hearing him, Shenzi and Banzai look at Ed)

Shenzi: YOU did this? (Ed giggles as he puts his paws to his muzzle)

Director: (sighs as he falls back into his chair) We'll go over this later. Right now, let's just finish the scene. Action!

Zazu: (smiles as he bows) I'm here to announce, that King Mufasa's on his way! (scowls up at the lion) So you'd better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony this morning. (while he is talking, at the last minute, Scar notices the mouse has escaped back into its hole)

Scar: Oh now look Zazu you made me lose my lunch. (looks over and notices the director is grinning, after a moment of though he realizes why) …That's it? That's the creative line you decided to add to the script?!

Director: Hey, those hyenas had a point: I was gettin' a little hungry. But seeing as how you were nearly beaten to death (coughs) deserved it (coughs) I'll let that go for now. (Scar rolls his eyes)

Stagehand: Scar: take seventy-four. (claps marker)

Scar: Oh now look Zazu you made me lose my lunch.

Zazu: Really? Well the janitor's nowhere to be found so I suppose you managed to keep it down, eh? (offstage laughter is quickly heard, Zazu grins until he notices Scar is staring at him) Oh come now, you didn't really expect me to let you have all the jokes at his fellow cast member's expense, did you? (Scar merely stares…until he gets a strange look in his eye, grins, and begins stalking towards the hornbill; Zazu appears apprehensive and starts to back away) Scar? …What're you doing? …N-now now Scar, there's no reason to get upset. We all have our ups and downs. …Now Scar, don't look at me that way. (Flees into the air) HELLLLLLLLP!! (Scar traps him in his jaws; many are shocked. The director however, is intrigued.)

Director: …I like it. Let's put it in! (Scar abruptly turns his head towards the director and sounds surprised, suddenly Zazu pokes the tip of his beak out of Scar's mouth)

Zazu: WHAT?!

Director: Somebody get the bird out of his mouth and we'll try it like that. Oh and Zazu, try to cut a little less of that speech out. The last line and the screech for help oughtta do it. (one stagehand comes up and takes Zazu out of Scar's mouth, while another comes up with a marker)

Stagehand: Scar: take seventy-five. (claps the marker)

Director: (after Zazu has been de-salivated) Action!

Scar: Oh now look Zazu you made me lose my lunch.

Zazu: Ha! You'll lose more than that when the king gets through with you. He's as mad as a hippo with a hernia.

Scar: (gives a cocky smirk) And fat as one, too.

Director: Scar, do I need to get Mufasa over here early? I've told you a million times, STICK TO THE SCRIPT!

Scar: But you took my script.

Director: Well, didn't you memorize your lines?

Scar: (smiling while pretending to mishear the director) Memorize my lions? Of course! There are only three of them, after all! And that includes myself!

Director: You know what I meant! (Random worker comes up and taps director on the shoulder)

Random worker: Boss? There's a white lion cub waiting for you outside.

Director: Huh? What does he want?

Random worker: I don't know, exactly. But he looked pretty mad. (The director goes outside with a few workers to see the cub, when he leaves the studio and sees the cub, his eyes widen)

Director: Oh crap! It's Kimba! (An argument ensues about international copyright laws)

Back inside the studio…

Zazu: Judging by how loud they're arguing I'd say they're going to take awhile.

Timon and Pumbaa: Lunch break!

_A few minutes later…_

(the director and workers come back inside, looking slightly disheveled, the director takes his seat by the camera)

Director: Alright (gasps for breath) Let's continue.

Scar: (menacingly) Ooh, I quiver with fear. (stalks towards Zazu)

Zazu: Now Scar, don't look at me that way. (flees into the air) HELLLLLLLLP! (Scar entraps him in his jaws)

Mufasa's voice: Scar! (Scar looks back to see Mufasa on a ledge nearby)

Scar: (as if he's completely oblivious that his cheeks are obviously bulging) Mm-hmm-hmm?

Mufasa: (calmly yet firmly) Drop him.

Zazu: (poking the tip of his beak through Scar's lips) Impeccable timing, your majesty. (Scar scowls, but eventually tries to spit out Zazu…before going into a coughing fit)

Director: What's wrong?! …Aw no, don't tell me he's choking!

Scar: (in between gags) Oh no-I'm just-gasping for breath and-clawing everything in site because-

Director: I better not hear a sex joke at the end of that: this is a G-rated film. (Whatever Scar was going to say, he doesn't say it)

Random gazelle: G-rated? But what about all the violence in the later scenes?

Director: Look could we just get this guy some help before we have to recast our villain? (Mufasa abruptly comes up and smacks Scar roughly on the back, causing him to spit out Zazu; who is sticking to himself because of Scar's saliva)

Offstage voice: He doesn't look so good.

Zazu: YOU try being juggled in a lion's esophagus for 45 seconds and see how ravishing YOU look!

Director: Make-up! (a make-up dept. worker comes up and takes Zazu away for a few minutes, before putting him back on the set; good as new)

Stagehand: Scar: take seventy-six. (claps the marker)

Director: (expectantly) Zazu? (Zazu raises an eyebrow, before realizing what he meant and sighing. He looks over at Scar, who smirks and points to his mouth. Zazu scowls but reluctantly climbs in) Action!

Mufasa's voice: Scar! (Scar looks back to see Mufasa on a ledge nearby)

Scar: (as if he's completely oblivious that his cheeks are obviously bulging) Mm-hmm-hmm?

Mufasa: (calmly yet firmly) Drop him.

Zazu: (poking the tip of his beak through Scar's lips) Impeccable timing, your majesty. (Scar scowls, but leans down and spits out Zazu successfully; Zazu on the other hand grunts in disgust after seeing all the saliva he's covered in)

Director: (whispering to the cameraman) Keep rolling; let's put that in. (meanwhile Scar walks up to Mufasa with a mocking smile as he approaches)

Scar: Why, if it isn't my big brother, descending from on high to mingle with the commoners.

Mufasa: Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba.

Scar: That was today? Oh I feel simply awful! (a pause)

Director: Scar, do what you're supposed to!

Scar: Are you mad?! Do you have any idea what that will do to my manicure?! I already owe a large sum to my ex-mane stylist!

Director: I don't care!

Scar: Perhaps we could bring in a stunt-double for this scene?

Director: No! I've already got stunt-doubles for scenes in which someone could actually get hurt! Most in which are more serious than "a broken nail". Y'know we usually have this sort of problem with our female cast members. (smirks) That was for your little comment earlier.

Scar: It's not any of my faults if you don't have a sense of humor.

Director: Just follow the script!

Scar: (scowling) Fine. But if there's any damage, you'll be the one covering it.

Director: (sarcastically) I'll try not to lose my head. Action!

Stagehand: Scar: take seventy-seven. (claps marker)

Mufasa: Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba.

Scar: That was today? (puts paws on the rock wall) Oh I feel simply awful! (drags his claws down in a slow motion; Zazu can be seen grimacing in pain)

Director: (whispering to the cameraman again) Let's print that too.

Scar: (examining his claws) Hmmm…no damage.

Director: Just say your line! (suddenly there is a cracking sound) What's-? (his jaw suddenly drops as he sees the rock wall beginning to split into long, horizontal segments) HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!

Writer: It's painted plexi-glass sir; makes a big noise when it's scratched by lion claws, but also breaks when it's scratched by lion claws.

Director: Can anything else go wrong today?!

Writer: Well I don't mean to make lemons out of lemonade but, we're double over-budget. …Sir? Are you ok? (the director collapses on the floor and passes out) Uh…take five everyone! (looks at the director again) Make that fifteen! (starts to help director)

Stagehand: You need any help?

Writer: Naw, I'm used to doing this anyhow; being the one to drag the deadweight.

Another Stagehand: Boy, if I were you, I'd ask for a raise.

Yet Another Stagehand: Or a job as co-director. (the writer continues to get the director back into consciousness… until he gets a strange look on his face, then appears excited)

Writer: …Wait a second, why shouldn't I direct?!

A few maintenance workers: Huh?

Writer: Yeah! It'll be spectacular! I'd be stupid not to follow this opportunity!

Stagehand: You sure the boss'll be ok with that?

Writer: What he doesn't know won't hurt 'em. (looks at the cast and workers) Plus, if you all let me direct this one time, I'll let every actor or actress have ten more minutes in their dressing room, and every worker gets five more minutes of coffee break! So whaddya say?

_A few minutes later…_

Writer: Ok Scar, Zazu; let's take it from the top. And Scar, don't worry about splitting the rock wall. We had the artists paint some old leftover parking-lot tar; amazing for dramatic effect yet completely harmless to that manicure.

Timon: Why can't we make this guy permanent?!

Mufasa: Can we hurry this along? I have to visit my son in the hospital.

Writer: We'll wrap it up as soon as this scene is over.

Shenzi: (excited) We're gonna put on rap music?!

Writer: Er, maybe in another movie, Shenzi. Ok boys, you know your lines!

Stagehand: Scar: take seventy-eight. (claps marker)

Mufasa: Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba.

Scar: That was today? (puts paws on the rock wall) Oh I feel simply awful! (drags his claws down in a slow motion; Zazu can be seen grimacing in pain. Scar examines his claws, appearing almost satisfied) Must've slipped my mind.

Zazu: Yes, well as slippery as you mind is, (flies up to face him) as the king's brother, you should've been first in line!

Scar: (annoyed) I already told you, Zazu. I was first in line! I camped out for weeks to get those tickets for the Rocky Horror Picture Show! There was a huge line behind me, and when the ticket booth opened, they said it was sold out. It's not my fault that everyone buys their tickets online, nowadays! (long pause)

Writer: …Huh? (Scar looks confused. Zazu smacks himself on the head)

Zazu: The camera's rolling, Scar. I was speaking my lines. Never mind our tickets for the Rocky Horror Picture Show. We'll talk about it later.

Director: (starting to come to) Uuuuuugh… (the writer gasps, the director looks over and sees Scar, Mufasa and Zazu on the set; all three are frozen stiff upon seeing him) …Hey, what's going on? …Wait a minute. (looks over at his director's seat and his eyes widen when he sees the writer in it, while holding his megaphone) Hey! What the hell is this?! (gets up and storms over to the writer)

Writer: (nervously) Uh, sir, listen, I can explain, um-

Director: Whadda you think you're doing?! Sitting in my chair! Holding my megaphone! DOING MY JOB!!

Writer: Well s-sir, I was merely filling in for you while you were…unfit to toil.

Director: I'M UNCONSCIOUS FOR FIVE MINUTES AND YOU THINK YOU CAN REPLACE ME?!

Writer: No sir that's not it at all! (looks at everyone in the studio) Tell 'em guys! (the workers and cast exchange glances, before looking away; the writer is shocked)

Director: Security!! (security comes and drags the man away; the director smirks…until he looks back and sees his cast and most of his maintenance crew are giving him dirty looks) …What? …Well you couldn't expect me to let that guy be my replacement could you?! …Well? …Alright fine, he can come back first thing tomorrow. But only if he doesn't try something stupid like that again!! (sits back in his chair and picks up the megaphone) As you were!

Stagehand: Scar: take seventy-nine! (claps marker; Mufasa, Zazu and Scar go back to acting)

Zazu: Yes, well as slippery as you mind is, (flies up to face him) as the king's brother, you should have been first in line! (Scar quickly snaps his jaws as he flashes his teeth; sending Zazu darting behind Mufasa's leg, where he glares at Scar…until Scar lowers his head down to his level)

Scar: Well I was first in line. (lowers his head to Zazu) Until the little hairball was born. (Mufasa leans his own face down to Scar's)

Mufasa: That hairball is my son. And I won't hesitate into beating that into you once more.

Director: (cocking an eyebrow in warning) Mufasa… (Mufasa glares at Scar, before the two lower their heads again)

Mufasa: That "hairball" is my son. And your future king.

Scar: Oh I shall practice my curtsey.

Zazu: Now there's something I'd pay money to see. (off-screen snickering ensues)

Scar: (glowering down at Zazu) Why you little-!

Director: Alright, alright! Save that energy for the stampede scene!

Zazu: What happens in the stampede scene?

Director: Scar whacks you into a wall.

Zazu: WHAT?!

Director: Hey, I can't help it if some of the actions of the actors keep giving me ideas. And don't worry, he won't do it hard enough to send you through the wall. (glares at Scar) At least he'd better not.

Scar: Don't worry, it's very unlikely that will happen again. …Although I think I should warn everyone my wrist has a nervous twitch every now and again. (the director sighs)

Director: Just make sure this scene gets finished while I get some Advil. (gets up and walks away)

Stagehand: Scar: take eighty! (claps marker)

Mufasa: That "hairball" is my son. And your future king.

Scar: Oh I shall practice my curtsey. (turns and walks away)

Mufasa: Don't turn your back on me, Scar. (Scar abruptly glances back)

Scar: I already told you that rash cleared up!! (off-screen laughter is heard; Mufasa puts a paw to his head as Zazu rolls his eyes)

Zazu: Once again you fail to acknowledge the camera from real life.

Stagehand: Scar: take eighty-one! (claps marker)

Scar: Oh I shall practice my curtsey. (turns and walks away)

Mufasa: Don't turn your back on me, Scar.

Scar: (glancing back) Oh no Mufasa; perhaps you shouldn't turn your back on me.

Mufasa: And I told you the fur on my tail grew back!!

Zazu: Sire! Not you too! (Mufasa sighs)

Mufasa: It runs in the family. …And I'm also still focused on Simba's condition in the hospital.

Stagehand: Scar: take eighty-two! (claps marker)

Scar: (glancing back) Oh no Mufasa; perhaps you shouldn't turn your back on me.

Mufasa: (roars and storms after Scar) Is that a challenge?

Scar: Temper, temper. I wouldn't dream of challenging you.

Zazu: Pity. Why not?

Scar: Because that would make it painfully obvious that I want his place as king. Besides, why challenge him when I can just come up with some complicated plan to bump him off?

Voice: STOP AD-LIBBING! (everyone looks to see the director is back)

Director: I thought this might happen so I'm glad I brought the whole bottle. (sets a bottle branded as "Advil" next to his seat) Now let's try this again.

Stagehand: Scar: take eighty-three! (claps marker)

Zazu: Pity. Why not?

Scar: (glances down as Zazu) Well as far as brains go I got the lion's share (glares up at Mufasa) but when it comes to brute strength-

Director: (whispering to himself) Still must be a little mad after the fight. (Scar begins to walk away)

Scar: I'm afraid I'm at the shallow-end of the gene pool.

Director: Hey! Where you going?!

Scar: (glancing back) Why?

Director: (glances around nervously) Well, it's not like we have authority figures waiting outside wanting to ask a few questions about Simba if that's what you mean. …Or who also want to know why there was a decapitated lion in a hyena's dressing room… (Scar and the trio's eyes widen and all bolt out of the studio) Hey! Get those four back! We need them for…eh, on second thought, let the authorities handle it. We're done with Scar for the day and we don't need those three for another two scenes anyhow. Let's wrap this up, people!

Mufasa: (sighing) Finally.

Stagehand: Scar: take eighty-four! (claps marker)

Zazu: (sighing) There's one in every family, sire. Two in mine, actually. (flies onto Mufasa's shoulder) And they always manage to ruin special occasions. …Like my aunt's birthday, or my great uncle's retirement party, or the day my cousin had his beak-brace removed-

Director: ZAZU!

Zazu: Well excuse me but they were supposed to be very joyous moments which turned out into horrific ones, (looks away and folds his wings) and apparently some have no sympathy for others who have experienced unfortunate encounters such as those.

Maintenance worker: A cousin of mine got rid of his foot fungus once.

Director: Ok, can we just finish the scene?! Let's not forget someone has to see his son in the hospital. (everyone nods after hearing this) Alright, one more time.

Stagehand: Scar: take eighty-five! (claps marker)

Mufasa: (sighing) What am I going to do with him?

Zazu: He'd make a very handsome throw rug! (A pause as everyone stares at Zazu)

Director: Whoa, where did that come from?!

Zazu: You can't tell me you wouldn't want a muscular friend to dispose of someone who purposely tried to eat you!

Director: Don't tell me our catering sucks that much! …But anyway, I like it! When the writer gets back, tell 'em to put it in!

* * *

(the film is suddenly cut short and the audience that was once laughing immediately groans in disappointment; cut to Timon and Pumbaa backstage)

Timon: Well another great show if I do say so myself!

Pumbaa: Uh Timon, why did you let that happen?

Timon: Let what happen? …Did somebody steal from the vending machines again?!

Pumbaa: No, the film; you said you weren't going to air the embarrassing clips of us. And although I wouldn't exactly call that particular one embarrassing-

Timon: Oh! I see what you mean. (waves it off) Aw don't worry about it; that was just a scapegoat.

Pumbaa: Scapegoat?

Timon: Yeah, y'know, to throw off suspicion that it could be us projecting these films.

Pumbaa: Oh. …Did you think it worked?

Timon: Do you see any angry movie stars mobbing us? (Pumbaa takes a good look at their surroundings, before looking at Timon)

Pumbaa: No.

Timon: Then it worked.

_Meanwhile…_

(cut to a view of the trio's house; T is still watching TV while Banzai and Ed are upstairs and waiting by the bathroom door)

Banzai: (combing the last of the gum from his mane) Ouch! (Ed quickly bursts into laughter) Laugh it up all ya want! But the next time I see you with a pack of gum I'LL GLUE YOUR MOUTH SHUT!! (turns around and starts pounding on the bathroom door) Hurry up Shenzi! You ain't the one with gum comin' outta your ears!

Shenzi: I'm fixin' my mane!

Banzai: FOR TWO HOURS?!

Shenzi: Did you see the size of that banana peel that got caught in it?!

Banzai: I've seen meerkats bigger!

Shenzi: Well it got on my clothes and soaked through! I'm gettin' the water hot so I can get the smell off me!

Banzai: You're takin' a shower too?! That's it! (grabs the knob and yanks the door open, he lunges his head inside…his ears quickly perk up at what he sees; Ed stares at the site, confused. A few seconds later, Banzai is punched out of the bathroom; but for some reason he doesn't notice the large bruise on his face. Ed cocks his head, even more perplexed, at his friend's blank expression. Banzai blinks for a moment or so…before casually getting up and heading down the stairs)

Banzai: (passing the living room) I'm gonna take a cold shower in the sink.

T: Sounds like a plan; cold water gets gum out easier. (unware to her, Banzai rolls his eyes as he heads to the sink)

_A few more minutes later…_

(The trio are seen in the living room, T is seen in her bedroom; most likely asleep since the clock on the wall in the kitchen says 10:30. Shenzi has a towel draped over her head and is wringing her mane out, and Ed is staring at Banzai who has been acting weird ever since the bathroom episode. Finally fed up with the silence, the more speech-impaired of the trio speaks up)

Shenzi: How am I supposed to know who's projectin' that show, Ed?! …But once we find out who, they won't be able eat solids for quite sometime…or see…or have control of their limbs; we might even put 'em in a coma, so I hope its somebody we hate.

Banzai: (still not looking at her but with a sarcastic tone) Gee, that shortens the list. (Shenzi rolls up her towel and gives him a good "smack" with it) YEOWCH!! (Ed looks at Shenzi and giggles out a comment; Shenzi puts a paw to her chin in thought)

Shenzi: Well with all that new security they're bringin' in, it's gonna take me awhile to think 'a somethin'.

Banzai: And what're we supposed to do while you're thinkin'?!

(Cut to a fast-food joint; the trio are sitting at a booth. Ed looks at the menu but quickly chooses a kid's meal; Shenzi and Banzai get a little weirded-out)

Shenzi: Uh, ain't you a little old for those, Ed? (Ed replies hysterically; Shenzi glances at Banzai) Translation to that, peepin' Ban'?

Banzai: (scowling) He says it's somethin' about a new toy. And if you weren't takin' so long-!! (a waiter comes up to them)

Waiter: Enjoy. (walks away; Ed quickly rips into his meal...only to discover he accidentally broke the toy they that came with it. He immediately throws a tantrum. After becoming annoyed with Ed's complaining, Shenzi goes up to the register and "persuades" the cashier to give Ed a new toy. She then gives it to Ed, who hugs her thankfully...before placing the toy in his mouth and swallowing it. Banzai lowers the napkin holder he was going to lodge in Ed's skull after seeing him hug Shenzi and sits back at the booth like nothing happened…before glancing over and seeing some kid eating a banana-split, then looking at Shenzi _slowly_, and pulling on his shirt collar as steam rises out)

Banzai: I'll never look at bananas the same way again.


	5. Father and Son Have a Hectic Time

Timon: (singing in the same rhythmic tone as in that episode "Don't Break the China," as he is counting the profits from their barely legal broadcasts) _One little, two little, three little __dollars__!_ _Four little, five little, six little __dollars__!_ _Seven little, eight little, nine little_-

Pumbaa: (coming up from behind) Timon? (Timon shrieks and jumps nearly five feet in the air, before whirling around, holding his chest, and looking at his friend; gasping for breath)

Timon: How many times do I have to tell you? Don't do that! You know I'm _very_ easy to startle. (A large boom sounds outside; a larger view shows it was a construction site destroying an old building, yet Timon seems to be clueless) Just the _slightest surprise_, could give me a heart attack! (Two cars crash in the background, and both their alarms go off, still the meerkat doesn't notice) Like that, (snaps his fingers) and I'd be out of it! (A wrecking ball smashes a building, a jackhammer cracks the sidewalk, a police chase flies by, and a mob of girls are seen not far off)

One girl: Hey, this soda isn't diet! (They all look at the girl holding the 6-pack, and run after her like a pack of wild dogs: only more savage. They whir past a certain female hyena, who's holding paper bags in her arms. Upon seeing the angry crowd, she scowls)

T: Idiots. (Walks off-screen)

_A few minutes later…_

T: (entering her house) I'm home! (Walks in the living room to see Shenzi, Banzai and Ed assembling a few weapons, some not looking very legal. A few completed ones can be seen off to the side) Uh, I got those playing cards, batteries, and empty plastic bottles you wanted. …Any reason _why_ you need 'em?

Shenzi: (putting together some sort of handheld missile launcher) What was my reason last time?

T: (pauses) None of my d-word business.

Shenzi: Good girl, now put the bag beside the table. (Sternly looking at her) And if anybody asks?

T: (seeming to quote Shenzi) I don't know nothin'. (Sets the bag beside the table and walks into the kitchen)

_Back at the studio…_

Timon: (speaking into the mike) And now folks, on with the show! (Pumbaa takes a bell out of a prop box nearby and rings it, Timon shrieks, before holding his chest and collapsing. The screen in the lot shows 3…2…1…)

* * *

Director: Ok people I realize last week wasn't so hot for everyone (a few employees can be seen with various injuries), but, the good news is, our star just got out of the hospital!

One injured employee: Woo-hoo! (Sound of bones breaking) AHHH! (Sound of a person falling, the director cringes) Somebody give that guy an ice pack. (Claps hands) Alright, everybody onset!

Scar: I'm ready for my close-up.

Director: Actually Scar, you won't be in this scene.

Scar: (angrily) What?! Why not?!

Director: Well the studio felt kinda bad for Mufasa and even _worse_ for Simba, so we decided to give 'em a scene just with each other. Coincidentally, it fits in perfect with the movie! Besides…Mufasa can be a little, big and scary after somebody's tried to kill off his son.

Shenzi and Banzai: Tell me about it.

Director: Mufasa, Simba, Sarabi, and all those bystander lionesses, we go on in five! (Simba, followed by his parents and a team of paramedics arrive into the room; the director picks up a megaphone) All medical assistants please wait off-set! (The paramedics do as they're told, however, nobody notices a certain lion pull a rope, sending all of them through a trapdoor in the floor) And… action!

(Simba can be seen running to the tip of Priderock…before realizing he is going too fast and nearly falls off, but he manages to grip the end of Priderock with his claws. Offstage laughter is heard)

Director: (also laughing) Uh, wrong scene kid.

Voice: We got 'em! (Everybody looks to see Timon and Pumbaa walk up to the cub, Pumbaa dips his snout within Simba's reach. Timon pulls him up as the prince climbs on)

Director: (whispering to the writer) Actually _give_ those two paychecks for today. (Looks back at the three onset) Thanks guys, let's take it from the top. (Simba walks off-screen, only to repeat his actions…and fall off this time. Everybody, who cares, gasps and/or shrieks. Until Timon and Pumbaa are seen at the bottom of Priderock, with Simba on Pumbaa's back, completely unharmed) Make that a _bonus_ too. (In the background, Sarabi can be seen crying because she thinks she is an unfit mother, and Mufasa is trying to console her) Take three!

(Simba runs up to the tip of priderock, before quickly turning around and running off-screen; he is seen running into the pride den)

Simba: Dad! Dad! C'mon dad we gotta go, wake up! (He jumps over a few lionesses)

Random lionesses: Umph! Oof!

Simba: Sorry. (Trips over another, who does not take it well and bares her teeth at him)

Lioness: Just what do you think you're doing?!

Simba: Uh, trying to get to my dad.

Lioness: Did it not occur to you to simply walk _around_ all the lionesses?

Simba: This way's shorter.

Lioness: Oh I see, so just because you're the prince you think you can do whatever you want.

Simba: I didn't say-

Lioness: You know this may sound new to you, but there _are_ animals out there who aren't afraid to say they don't like when you do something unpleasant: like jumping on them. In fact, I think you're a spoiled little brat who thinks he can get away with anything as long as his daddy The King is around.

Scar: Does that lioness have a phone number?

Shenzi and Banzai: Won't Zira get jealous?

Scar: Who?

Director: Where did we get _this_ one from?!

Writer: It was a random bystander pick sir.

Lioness: (turns to the director) Honestly, how on earth could you put someone like him (glares at Simba for a moment) on a pedestal for little children to look up to? Don't you realize kids learn from example? Do you _want_ future generations to be copies of him? Just imagine, about a dozen little clones of Simba, everywhere you look. (Half the people in the studio scream and fall unconscious)

Director: (sighing) Shenzi, Banzai, Ed. (the trio nod in understanding and drag the lioness off)

Lioness: Hey, wait a sec, what's going on? (They pull her into a dark room, after a moment, a loud scream is heard. About an hour later, all three hyenas emerge back out like nothing happened)

Director: That counts as your lunch break for today (turns to the people in the studio)

Director: Nobody saw or heard anything. This is Disney people, if ya didn't wanna keep secrets you should've looked at your contracts better.

Everybody: What contracts?

Director: Uh…take four!!

(Simba runs up to the tip of priderock, before quickly turning around and running off-screen; he is seen running into the pride den)

Simba: Dad! Dad! C'mon dad we gotta go, wake up! (He jumps over a few lionesses)

Random lionesses: Umph! Oof!

Simba: Sorry, (trips over another) oops! (reaches Mufasa; who is sleeping beside Sarabi, both are snoring) Dad? (Annoyed) _Dad_.

Sarabi: (sleepily) Your son is awake. (Simba keeps saying 'dad' to get Mufasa up)

Mufasa: Before sunrise he's _your_ son. (At this, Sarabi angrily raises her head)

Sarabi: I already _told you_ Mufasa, I had each and every one of those DNA tests confirmed: you ARE his father! Just because I have _one_ night in a bar at a bachelorett party and I get a little tipsy-

Director: PLEASE, LET'S TRY TO KEEP THIS **G**-RATED!!

Simba: What are you guys talking about?

Timon: As your future make believe guardian, I believe it is my responsibility to explain certain facts of life to you. When a male and a female love each other very much, or the female is drunk and passed out at a bar, the male-

Director: TAKE FIVE ALREADY!! (Mufasa and Sarabi pretend to sleep again)

Simba: Dad? (Annoyed) _Dad_.

Sarabi: (sleepily) Your son is awake. (Simba keeps saying 'dad' to get Mufasa up)

Mufasa: Before sunrise he's _your_ son.

Simba: Dad? Dad! C'mon dad. (Bites his father's ear: Mufasa roars in pain, before bolting to his feet, sending his son flying, and reaching his paw to his ear)

Mufasa: Do we really have to do that in this scene?!

Director: What? It's comedic.

Scar: Comedic like you giving my nephew coffee. (The director looks appalled)

Director: You're DEFENDING him?!

Scar: No, I'm defending my dressing room, and all the cyanide pills, schedules of vulnerable lioness' solitary breaks, black market addresses, and mane styling gel in it! All ruined during his little caffeine-power-driven escapade!

Director: Oh, well getting worked up over _that_ was kinda pointless. (Simba walks back up to his parents a little woozily) Take six!

Simba: Dad? Dad! C'mon dad. (Yanks on his father's ear, but just ends up plummeting towards the other side of the den; a crashing sound is heard)

Whoa! (Everyone waits a moment, but he does not come back; worried, his parents raise their heads up)

Mufasa and Sarabi: Simba? (No answer)

Director: Uh, can somebody look through those bones to see if the kid's alright? (A few volunteers dig through them, only to quizzically look back at everybody else)

Volunteers: He's not here.

Director, Mufasa and Sarabi: WHAT?!

(Static then ensues, a fuzzy camera tries to focus into view, then finally clears up to reveal the cameraman walking down a hall of dressing rooms. He stops at Simba's and silently peeks into the room to see Scar with his forepaw around his nephew)

Scar: I'm dreadfully sorry about what happened to you last week Simba.

Simba: Oh that's ok; I'm a lot better now. …Hey, shouldn't we be getting back to the set?

Scar: (ignoring the question) You realize I didn't mean it, don't you?

Simba: Sure uncle Scar, you just made a mistake.

Scar: (grins) Well that's good. And to show how sorry I am I snuck in a little treat for you. (Reveals a milkshake-looking dessert from behind his back)

Simba: Wow! Thanks uncle Scar! (Takes it and quickly begins drinking it down) Hmmm, this is good. What flavor is it?

Scar: Oh, I made it myself actually. It has ice cream, whipped cream, a cherry on top (coughs) rat poison with chocolate syrup (coughs again). Pardon, your uncle has seen better days.

Simba: That's ok. What was that last one again?

Scar: Oh, just a secret ingredient I added to the chocolate syrup to make it all the more…enjoyable. (Off-screen gasping, most likely the cameraman, is heard. Scar quickly diverts his attention to where the sound came from and snarls once he sees him. The cameraman runs off, screaming like a little girl all the while. The camera suddenly falls to the ground, and screaming is heard. After which footsteps are heard)

Simba's voice: What was that?

Scar's voice: Nothing important; adult matters, none of your concern. (In a strained-but-sweet voice) Now hurry and finish that up, we want to get back to the set in as quickly as possible so that poison can get through your system faster.

Simba's voice: That what?

Scar's voice: Nothing! (Static ensues)

_A few minutes later…_

(Simba and Scar arrive back on the set)

Director: Where were you two?! (Simba opens his mouth to speak, but Scar quickly places his paw over it)

Scar: He had trouble finding the bathroom, and I assisted him. (Simba gives his uncle a questioning look, until the director cuts in)

Director: Well anyway we're 15 minutes behind schedule. Simba, we need you back onset _now_.

Simba: Ok. (Everybody prepares to continue the scene, until they look over and see Mufasa snoring alongside an annoyed Sarabi)

Director: What happened?!

Sarabi: In all this excitement my husband actually fell asleep, and at this point it'd take a full-on hit to the face to wake him up.

Simba: Got it, mom! (Runs up to Mufasa and rams him in the face, which snaps him awake) You promised!

Mufasa: (groggily) To do what?

Simba: Help me if I got the part! But you fell asleep! (Mufasa sees how determined his son is)

Mufasa: Ok, ok. I'm up, I'm up.

Simba: Yeah!

Director: (after pausing) …Let's put this in too.

Simba, Mufasa, and Sarabi: What?

Director: Everything all the way from the head-butting. (Snickering off-screen, the director gets angry) Apparently _some_ people _want_ today's lunch break cut short. (The snickering quickly stops) Take…whatever number it is, next! (Sarabi and Mufasa pretend to sleep again)

Simba: Dad? Dad! C'mon dad. (Yanks on his father's ear, but just ends up plummeting towards the other side of the den; a crashing sound is heard) Whoa! (Runs up to Mufasa and rams him in the face, which catches his father's attention) You promised! (Mufasa sees how determined his son is)

Mufasa: Ok, ok. I'm up, I'm up.

Simba: (running off happily) Yeah! (Mufasa yawns, but his wife cringes away)

Sarabi: It wouldn't hurt you at all to try a mint dear.

Director: We'll just cut out that last comment.

(The next view shows the future king playing outside the den, the king and queen exit a moment afterwards. Simba runs up to his mother and rubs against her foreleg before Sarabi nudges him on the rear, a little _too_ hard, sending him rolling a few feet away)

Simba: Whoa! (He disappears over the edge, Sarabi and Mufasa gasp and race over)

Sarabi: SIMBA!!

Director: Uh, Sarabi, I don't think you need to worry-

Sarabi: (bearing her teeth) I'm responsible for whatever misfortune has befallen my child and you say I don't need to worry?! Apparently you've never had children, sir!!

Shenzi: Well it wouldn't be hard to figure out why! (Riots of laughter ensue, the director looks like he's about to yell at her…until he notices a butter knife nearby and quickly changes his mind and sits back down)

Director: Sarabi-

Sarabi: (starts crying) My little boy is hurt, _or worse_, and it's all my fault! (Mufasa looks over the edge, only to look shocked, then a smile cracks onto his face and he starts laughing) Mufasa? …Mufasa not you too!!

Mufasa: It's alright Sarabi. (Sarabi looks over to see her son climbing back over the ledge and is speechless; she jumps to her paws)

Sarabi: But…how?

Simba: It was only a two-foot drop, right onto another rock. (The queen stares for a moment, before collapsing from a faint, both her son and husband rush over to her)

Director: (sighs) See if that team of paramedics who came here with Simba will work on family members too.

_A few minutes later…_

Director: Ok Sarabi, think you can do it a _little_ more gently this time?

Sarabi: I'll try.

Director: Good enough. Next take!

(The view shows the future king playing outside the den, the king and queen exit a moment afterwards. Simba runs up to his mother and rubs against her foreleg before Sarabi nudges him on the rear just as he and Mufasa leave.

Next a majestic view of Priderock is seen)

Mufasa's voice: Look Simba. (A back-view of Mufasa and Simba is seen)

Mufasa: Everything the light touches, is our kingdom.

Simba: Wow.

Mufasa: A king's time as ruler, rises and falls like the sun. One day Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king.

Simba: (suddenly looks surprised) …Wait, so, when the sun goes down then that means…you're gonna die?! (Hugs his father) No! Please, I just got back from the doctor; I don't want you to go too!! (Offstage laughter is heard) What? What's so funny?

Director: He's not going anywhere, it's just in the script. …Whoa kid, you ok? (Simba looks slightly groggy)

Simba: (rubbing his head) Yeah, I guess I just had a long day. I can finish the scene though.

Director: Ok. Action!!

Mufasa: (as the camera slowly swerves to a front-view) A king's time as ruler, rises and falls like the sun. One day Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with _you_ as the new king.

Simba: And this'll all be _mine_?

Mufasa: Everything.

Simba: (walking as he surveys his future kingdom) Everything the light touches… (Suddenly a perplexed look comes upon his face) Wait, how can light _touch_ anything? You and mom told me it was something that made the monsters go away in my nightli- …I mean…

Director: (exasperated) Just try again kid.

Simba: (walking as he surveys his future kingdom) Everything the light touches… (Notices a darker-looking territory and looks back at his father in question) What about that shadowy place?

Mufasa: That's beyond our borders: you must never go there, Simba.

Simba: …Why not?

Mufasa: (blinks in surprise) Because (tries to stay in character) … I told you not to.

Simba: But why can't I go there? Is it just for adults? Is it one of those "bad movie stores" you told me about? Is there more coffee there?

Director: Let's not go down _that_ road again. Next take!

Simba: But what's out there?!

Director: THE PLACE YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND NEARLY GET KILLED! NOW NEXT TAKE, _PLEASE_!

Simba: And this'll all be _mine_?

Mufasa: Everything.

Simba: (walking as he surveys his future kingdom) Everything the light touches… (Notices a darker-looking territory and looks back at his father in question) What about that shadowy place?

Mufasa: That's beyond our borders: you must never go there, Simba.

Simba: But I thought a king can do whatever he wants.

Mufasa: Oh there's more to being king (starts to walk away) than, getting your way all the time.

Simba: There's more? Like what?

Scar: Well for one, you'd have all the land at your every whim.

Banzai: _And_ I heard all the chicks get your food, _for_ ya. (Ed laughs and nods in agreement)

Zazu: And somebody to take orders from _you_ for a change.

Timon: Lay around all day-

Mufasa: STOP GIVING HIM IDEAS!! (Everybody quickly shuts up)

Director: Next take!

Mufasa: Oh there's more to being king (starts to walk away) than, getting your way all the time.

Simba: There's more?

Mufasa: (Chuckling) Simba. (Cut to view of both lions walking through a field full of life; grazing animals and healthy green pasture are seen everywhere) Everything you see, exists together, in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures. From the crawling ant, to the leaping antelope.

Simba: But dad don't we eat the antelope?

Mufasa: Yes Simba, but let me explain: when we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope _eat_ the grass. And so-

Simba: Wait, you mean, in a way, the antelope are eating _us_?

Mufasa: No, I meant that-

Simba: So herbivores are carnivores too?!

Mufasa: Simba you're not listening-

Simba: And if everything becomes the grass when it dies, then what happens to the grass when _it_ dies?

Timon: It gets eaten by everybody who's not grass-intolerant.

Mufasa: Simba I'm just following my script. Those lines will make more sense to you when you're older.

Director: (rolling his eyes) Next take.

Mufasa: And so, we are all connected, in the Great Circle of Life. (Zazu suddenly flies on seen and lands on a nearby rock)

Zazu: Good morning, sire!

Mufasa: Good morning Zazu.

Zazu: Checking in, with the evening report.

Director: CUT! It's _morning_ report Zazu. Morrrrrrrrning, report.

Zazu: (ruffling his feathers) Well pardon my mistaking of the current moment of day's time. I'll _try_ to keep my schedule more in check than usual.

Director: It'd be appreciated: next take.

Zazu: Checking in, with the morning report.

Mufasa: Fire away. (a huge flame suddenly shoots out at all three of them, but they manage to avoid it)

Zazu: WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME WAS THAT?!

Director: That's what I'd like to know!

Writer: Sorry sir, apparently one of the graveyard geysers had a malfunction. They do that whenever somebody…well, sits on them.

Director: Who'd be dumb enough to do that? (Ed whizzes by, laughing the entire time) …Never mind.

_A few minutes later…_

Zazu: Checking in, with the morning report.

Mufasa: Fire away.

Zazu: Well, the buzz from the bees is that the leopards are in a bit of a spot- (stops speaking all of a sudden and glances at the director) Why are there so much animalistic puns? Couldn't this studio do any better? Honestly, puns are simply the _worst_ form of comedy.

Director: JUST SAY YOUR LINES!! (the hornbill rolls his eyes)

Zazu: Well, the buzz from the bees is that the leopards are in a bit of a spot.

(A grasshopper suddenly leaps out in front of Simba; surprising, then intriguing, the young prince. He leaps after it.)

Mufasa: Oh really?

Zazu: (heard in a more background voice as Simba continues to pursue the insect, Mufasa takes notice of his cub and forgets all about Zazu) The baboon's are going _ape…_(his voice fades)

Mufasa: What're you doing, son? (Simba tries to catch the grasshopper but misses at the last second)

Simba: I'm trying to catch a grasshopper but it keeps getting away! (makes another leap for it, succeeds…only to look away in disgust after he sees he's swooshed the insect) Ewww.

Director: Cut! Ok, there were two mistakes I can point out about that-

Zazu: Oh for Pete's sake, we already know what he did wrong but he tried to stay in character nonetheless!

Director: First Scar now _you_?!

Zazu: …Erm, no. Actually, like Scar, I was only doing that in order to defend myself: like when I pointed out those animalistic puns. The fact that the situation also seemed to support Simba was merely coincidence.

Simba: What?

Director: (sighs) Next take.

Mufasa: What're you doing, son? (Simba tries to catch the grasshopper but misses at the last second)

Simba: Pouncing.

Mufasa: (leaning near him) Let an old pro show you how it's done. (looks mischievously at Zazu)

Zazu: I _told_ the elephants to forget it. (sighed exasperatedly) But they _can't_.

Timon: (angrily staring at a plate of brown insects) But the _caterer_ keeps forgetting to smash the crickets before he gives them to me!

Caterer: It's bad enough I have to touch those things, I'm not going to tolerate the sight of their guts just so I won't get sued by some loud-mouth meerkat!

Director: Timon, is it possible for you to just smash them on your own?

Timon: Oh sure, it starts with the catering: the next thing you know I'll have to run _my own_ bathwater!

Director: (sighs) Just continue the scene.

Zazu: I _told_ the elephants to forget it. (sighed exasperatedly) But they _can't_.

Mufasa: Zazu, would you turn around?

Zazu: Yes sire. The cheetahs are hard up- (voice fades as Mufasa instructs Simba)

Mufasa: (pushing his son closer to the dirt) Stay low to the ground.

Zazu: Cheetahs never prosper…

Maintenance worker: I think what you mean is, "_Cheaters_ never prosper".

Zazu: (grinning) No my good sir, that was another unnecessary animalistic pun.

Director: Y'know what else is unnecessary? Paying everybody overtime. (everybody shuts up) Action!

Simba: Ok stay low to the ground, right yeah.

Zazu: (glancing back) What's going on?

Mufasa: A pouncing lesson.

Zazu: (as he was) Oh, very good; pouncing. …(looks appalled) POUNCING?! (abruptly turns back) Oh sire you can't be serious… (Mufasa motions for him to turn back around; Zazu sighs) Oh, this is so humiliating.

Scar: Not as humiliating as the fact that you _dye_ your feathers blue. (Everybody gasps, and Zazu looks shocked, before everybody else bursts out into laughter. Zazu furiously whirls around to face Scar.)

Zazu: THAT WAS HIGHLY UNCALLED FOR!!

Scar: Well it's true; I've seen your feathers white on some occasions.

Zazu: THAT'S ONLY ON BROADWAY! And what would you think if _I_ were to tell everybody a certain fact about the natural color of your mane-AHHHHHHHHHH!! (Flies away as Scar snarls and lunges at him)

Director: Cut!! _Cut! __CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!_ Somebody get a tranquilizer gun! (a dart full of tranquilizer shoots at each of them, missing both by only inches; Zazu and Scar quickly freeze in place) Now then, there's a special team of people specifically designed to do that. You have two choices: I can bring them in so they can "calm you both down", or we can finish this scene without any interruptions from either of you. (Both lion and hornbill reluctantly nod and go back to what they were doing before) Action!

Mufasa: (as Simba sinks lower) Try not to make _a sound_.

Zazu: What are you telling him, Mufasa?! (view shows Zazu all alone) Mufasa? (a bit nervous) …Simba? (Simba pounces him from behind; Mufasa laughs as his son comes back, leaving Zazu lying in the dirt)

Mufasa: That's very good! (laughs more…until Zazu does not get up) …Zazu? (Simba looks back and also sees the hornbill is still on the ground)

Simba: (walking back over to him) Zazu? …Uh, I think I pounced on him _too_ good.

Director: (groaning) Let's just take five.

Voice from below: No need to worry, I've got it handled. (the director looks over to see a small mammal popping out from the ground and head towards Zazu)

Director: What is that? A mole?

Gopher: (glaring) I'm a gopher. (turns back to Zazu) Sir, you've just been selected as the majordomo for the next king. (Zazu's eyes pop open and he gets to his feet)

Zazu: I'd like to thank my mother Zuzu, my hairdresser-

Scar: Feather dyer.

Director: NEXT TAKE!! (Zazu flies back on the rock)

Zazu: (a bit nervous) …Simba? (Simba pounces him from behind; Mufasa laughs as his son comes back, leaving Zazu lying in the dirt)

Mufasa: That's very good! (laughs more, meanwhile a gopher pops up underneath Zazu, causing him to sit up)

Gopher: Sir.

Zazu: (irritated) Yes?!

Gopher: News from the underground. (cut to view of Mufasa and Simba)

Mufasa: Now, this time-

Zazu: Sire! (view of Zazu looking very scared poking his head over the rock…until he realizes what Mufasa just said) _This_ time? What do you mean _this_ time? It wasn't enough I was knocked unconscious by him only after one try?

Simba: No, it just proves you're…what was that word my mom used for you? Oh yeah: dainty.

Zazu: (gritting his teeth) Oh, really?

Director: …Hey, I never noticed that before.

Zazu: Noticed what?

Director: You have teeth. (The hornbill looks surprised but eventually turns away)

Zazu: It's a medical condition.

Director: (snickering) You mean, dental, condition right?

Zazu: To repeat the phrase you've been using all day, so much that it's become ridiculously annoying, NEXT TAKE! (dips his head back under the rock, before coming back up) Sire! Hyenas! In the Pridelands! (Mufasa abruptly leaps past the rock and looks back at the other two)

Mufasa: Zazu, take Simba home.

Simba: Aw dad, can't I come?

Mufasa: (shakes head) No son. (leaves; Simba huffs and starts walking away with Zazu flying close by)

Simba: I never get to go anywhere.

Zazu: Oh young master, one day YOU will be king. Then you can chase those slobbering, mangy, stupid poachers from dawn until dusk.

Shenzi and Banzai: (Ed can be seen growling) What did you just call us?

Zazu: Oh dear…

* * *

(Reel ends, the crowd sounds disappointed; backstage, Timon grabs the microphone)

Timon (Unknown Public Voice): Aw don't fret folks, we know all about the musical scene they added to the special addition, and managed to scrap up that little tidbit for you! (crowd applauds; the reel shows Zazu back on the rock in front of Mufasa and Simba)

Zazu: Checking in, with the Morning Report.

Mufasa: Fire away. (music starts)

Zazu: _Chimps are going ape_

_Giraffes remain above it all_

_Elephants remember_

_Though just what I can't recall_

_Again__ I say puns are absolutely the most worst_

_But when it comes to writing here, originality isn't first-_

Director: ZAZU!!

Zazu: Well it's the truth. (clears throat and begins singing again)

_Crocodiles are snapping up fresh water from the banks_ (a gopher shows up, catching Simba's attention, and tries to get the majordomo to see him, only to sink back down in its hole when the prince tries to pounce on him; Simba peeks in the hole, but looks back up when he sees nothing)

_Showed interest in my nesting but I quickly said "no thanks"_

_We haven't paid the hornbills_

_And the __vultures__ have a hunch_

_Not everyone invited will be coming back from lunch _

Director: That means YOU, Ed. (view shows Ed eating a sub sandwich, before he scowls at the director, who rolls his eyes) …Alright, one more pre-scene snack; my brother-in-law's in my office, probably wants to ask for more money. (Ed shakes his head) Ok ok, he has digital watch that's probably broken and some bacon strips in his pocket, you can have both of those. (Ed grins and walks into the director's office, locking the door behind him)

Zazu: (tries to stay in character with the song but can't help but chuckle as the music livens up)

_This is the Morning Report_ (Simba sees the gopher from behind, trying to get Zazu's attention)

_Gives you the long and the short_ (while Zazu continues singing Simba continues trying to clutch onto the gopher)

_It's every grunt, roar and snort_ (Simba starts playing something similar to "whack a mole" to catch the gopher)

Simba: Aw, I always lose at this game!

Director: (notices the way the holes are made) How'd _that_ happen? Don't tell me some of our architects are just out of college! (sighs) Well we'll just let the audience have a good laugh about that, at least _they_ will. Continue.

Simba: But I won't be able to catch him this way!

Director: That's ok, the audience will think it's cute. Next take!

Zazu: _It's every grunt, roar and snort_ (Simba starts playing something similar to "whack a mole" to catch the gopher)

_Not a tale I distort _(glares at the director on the next line)

_On the Morrrrrrrrning Report_

Director: (menacingly) What was that again? (Zazu rolls his eyes before doing the line regularly)

_On the Morrrrrrrrning Report_ (Mufasa notices Simba just in time to see his son land face-smack into a rock; knocking him unconscious)

Mufasa: …Simba? …Simba? …Simba!!

Paramedics: We're on it. (they check up on Simba, and after awhile one of them looks at the director)

Paramedic: He'll be fine nothing more than a bump. But his forehead will be sore for awhile.

Director: Just like whenever my wife feels like using her rolling pin.

_A few minutes later…_

Mufasa: What're you doing, son?

Simba: (rubbing his head) Pouncing.

Mufasa: (leaning in closer and mischievously looking at Zazu) Let an old pro show you how it's done.

Zazu: _Oh the buffalo have got a beef about a piece of grass_

Mufasa: (lowering his son) Stay low, to the ground.

Zazu: _Warthogs have been thwarted in an attempt to see their gas_

Simba: Yeah, ok. Stay low to the ground.

Mufasa: Shh, not a sound.

Zazu: _Saffron is this season's color_

_Seen in all the herds_

Sarafina: No it's not; this season's color is beige.

Sarabi: Afraid you've made a mistake dear, the color _is_ saffron.

Shenzi: Ya both wrong; it's ebony!

Director: Well I know today's color, I can tell you it won't be green… (blinks after everybody has quieted down) As you three were.

Mufasa: Take it slow. One more step…then… (Simba pounces on Zazu; Mufasa laughs, then Simba starts singing and dancing)

Simba: _This is the Morning Report_

_Gives you the long and the short_ (Zazu wearily gets up, only to be surprised by Simba as he leaps up to him; he tries to get away but the cub only tries to corner him)

_Every grunt, roar and snort_

_Not a tale I distort_ (finally Simba grabs Zazu by the tail and his voice comes out strained)

_On the Morrrrrrning Report_ (yanks out Zazu's tail feathers)

Zazu: OWWWWWWWCH!!

Simba: Oops.

Director: (sobs hysterically)

Writer: Um, just find an old feather duster and paint it blue.

Scar: Just like always, isn't that right Zazu?

Zazu: (glaring menacingly) If I was a bird of prey-

Scar: (smirking) You'll always be prey to me. Don't worry.

Writer: Alright, that's enough. Final take! (Simba grabs Zazu by the tail and his voice comes out strained)

Simba:_ On the Morrrrrrning Report_

(Zazu drags Simba around, he does the same, before the majordomo pecks him on the head a few times, only to be thrown into the dirt by the prince; Mufasa laughs as the song ends)

Zazu: (angrily) Well I certainly hope that was worth our last chance at a "No Animals were Harmed" guarantee!

_Behind the scenes…_

Director: Not bad, but it could've gone better. See you tomorrow, everyone.

Mufasa: Are you alright, son?

Simba: (looking queasy) I don't feel so good…

Sarabi: (appears worried) Maybe you should lay down for a moment.

Simba: No, I'll be ok. Where's Nala? (Cut to a view of Nala's dressing room, Nala is watching a small TV while sitting on the edge of her bed, a knock is heard at the door)

Nala: Come in. (Simba enters) Hey, how was the take?

Simba: Nothing unusual. What're you doing?

Nala: (turning to the TV) Watching an episode of my favorite anime.

Simba: (narrowing his eyes) Is it Kimba? You've sure got a lot of his posters.

Nala: Kimba's cool, but Fruits Basket has more romance to it. This is the last episode, so I don't wanna miss a thing! (Simba starts groaning) You ok? (her friend collapses beside her, she gasps) Simba!!

_A few minutes later…_

(An ambulance can be seen in the studio, where Simba and the team of paramedics are. Meanwhile, Scar, the director, local authorities, and a team of lawyers stand off to the side)

Director: And just how _did_ that rat poison get into his system, Scar?

Scar: Well you know cubs; they're always swallowing everything they can find.

Director: No, you're thinking of Ed that one time he was in the copy room and ate the stapler… and then tried to eat the copier. The point is, Simba didn't show any symptoms of being poisoned until he was last seen with _you_.

Scar: And you're automatically assuming it's the villain's fault? Do you know what I call that sir? Prejudice.

Director: Nice try, but Shenzi already did that excuse.

Scar: What?! We agreed _I_ would get prejudice and _she_ would get racism! Erm, I mean, when did this occur?

Director: When we thought she was the one who stole that butter knife in Sarafina's dressing room to um…incapacitate that make-up artist.

Scar: Let me guess; she didn't bring her the right kind of bang gel?

Random Lawyer: And of course with the _wonderful_ shape the system is in nowadays, we had to give in to the hyena.

Scar: (grinning) The Democracy's structure at its best.

* * *

(Cut to Shenzi, Banzai and Ed's house; Banzai is glancing into a mirror. T notices and comes up to him.)

Banzai: How'd I get this black-eye?

T: Shenzi whacked you in the face. Remember?

Banzai: No. Why'd she do that? (mumbling) Like she really needs a reason…

T: (embarrassingly glances over to the side) Um, I think it's better if you _don't_ know. …Well, see ya later! (Quickly runs off, we see her going into her room, she turns on the computer and sits down…before hearing a noise at her window. Walking over to it, she opens it up and is surprised to see Nuka's creepily smiling face) NUKA?! What're you doing here? I thought that last series of swirlies and wedgies at school last week would keep you from going out for…at least, a week.

Nuka: Aw, nothing can keep me away from _you_. Not even bad chafing and a horrible case of swimmer's ear. (T cringes)

T: Ok…

Nuka: (starts speaking quickly) Anyway, I heard from a group of kids at school that you _really_ wanted a new jacket since Fall's here now. So I managed to save up a year's worth of allowance, and instead of buying my needed medication, I got you this! (happily hands her a box with a store logo on the top, T takes it and looks inside) It's the same exact jacket you wanted! It's even in your favorite color: Light blue! (T blinks for a moment, then scowls)

T: I stopped wanting this jacket because I found out they experimented the dye on animals. And YOU just rewarded that type of work, with 200 dollars. _Thanks_, a lot. (grabs the top of the window with one hand while tucking the box under her arm with the other) I'm gonna go burn this now. (slams the window)

Nuka: (after a pause) …Aw shi- (static ensues)


	6. Uncle, Uncle, UNCLE ALREADY!

What happens when an author gets herself away from video games, finishes her schoolwork, AND gets a day off because of weather? AN UPDATE!!! (Oh, and on another note, some of these ideas were thought up by my bf Jagabor. IHEARTUSOMUCHBABE!!!!)

* * *

(A view of the slum-part of the neighborhood is seen, then a certain house in said neighborhood, cut to a view inside; T can be seen in her room, at her computer, Ed is sitting on her bed, rummaging through her schoolbag for no reason in particular)

T: I hate mid-terms. (She clicks the mouse a few times, failing to notice Ed pulling out a book from her backpack. He sniffs it, then looks at the cover, and grins widely when he sees a picture of a big dinner on the front, not able to read the title "Relations of the First Americans, and the Real Americans". Hungrily, he clamps his jaw down on it. The noise gets T's attention, and her eyes widen) Ed!!! (She runs up to him and tries to pry it from his mouth, but he won't budge) C'mon, spit it out!

Ed: (laughs in a negative tone) Hehehe, nah-ha!!

T: Please?

Ed: (still refusing) Ga!!

T: Do you know how old that book is? There's footnotes about the sun on bare flesh being GOOD for you! (The male shakes his head) There's led-based paint on the cover!

Ed: Hahaha, ooh-hee-ha-mwa!!

T: I don't care if– well I _do_ care that you've eaten worse, but that's still _my_ book, in _your_ mouth; now give me that back! (She tugs, but he crosses his arms and stubbornly doesn't unleash his grip. After a few more attempts, T plops exhaustedly on the bed; Ed grins in victory…until he becomes puzzled when the female puts her hand on her chin, gets a bright look on her face, and grins at him slyly) You know…I hear the high school I go to is infected with silver fish.

Ed: Uh-buh-huh-heh?

T: It's a kind of bug; _really_ _ugly_, doesn't like light. (The older hyena merely raises an eyebrow; T smirks as she gets off the bed) _And_, I hear they aren't too picky about what places to use as…facilities. (Ed gives her a puzzling look) They ruin almost everything with their…"presents". (He seems clueless) They don't care where or if they leave _messes_. (No reaction; she looks annoyed)

THEY'LL USE ANYTHING AS A BATHROOM!!!

(Ed gags, before spitting it out; T smiles…until she sees bite marks in the cover, and rolls her eyes) How am I gonna explain _this_? (He is too nauseated to respond, she sighs) Never mind, I'll clean it off later. Right now I gotta print this last page. (She clicks a button with the mouse again, the printer lights up, some whirring noises arise, before a loud humming emits from the machine, and the paper stops moving) Aw, great!! (groans) It's jammed again. (She pulls out the desk drawer, then grabs an object from it. To Ed, the item looks familiar, and his eyes bulge larger than usual when he realizes it's the missing pocket knife he'd been looking for in his spare time. He walks up to T)

Ed: Heh-ha-ha-bwa!! (holds out his hand; demanding she return it)

T: What? …This is yours? What do you need a pocket knife for?

Ed: (eyes shifting) …

T: Well…_I_ need it to un-jam the printer! (The male's eyes widen, and he tries to stop her, saying something along the lines of that wasn't what it's used for) It'll only be a minute! (Tries to reach the printer, but he won't let her. Unfortunately, Ed's strength is dwindling, and reaching his knife isn't getting easier…until he gets an idea) …Ed? Wh-what're you doing? H-hey! Stop that! (She begins laughing uncontrollably; a wider view shows Ed is tickling her constantly) I-I can't breathe! (Continues laughing, Ed grabs his knife while she is distracted, but is having too much fun to stop; he gets her to the bed and keeps tickling her from there. T can do nothing but writhe) My ribs are start to…h-hurt! (She continues to laugh; Ed grins wider, he pins her arms with one hand and keeps tickling her with the other) Ahh! Stop! (kicks in glee)

Female Voice: That's…new

Male Voice: I say that's _disturbing_! (Ed stops as does T, both look up to see Shenzi and Banzai giving them a strange, almost creeped-out, look. Both get off the bed, embarrassed and smile nervously. To get their attention off the subject, Ed shows them he found his knife. Shenzi and Banzai exchange glances, before leaving. There is a long pause.)

…

…

T: What just happened?

* * *

(Back at the drive-in)

Timon: (holding the voice-disguising mike in his hand) And now, a marvelous show for all you ladies, and the people in the audience with make-up and purses! (Laughs, and gets a few laughs from the crowd as well. Pumbaa starts the roll once the crowd dies down.)

Director: Good news everyone! Our star is now out of the hospital and has made a full-recovery! (unenthusiastic "yays" ensue) That and Mufasa is outside, still suspicious about that food-poisoning incident, and listening to everybody's reactions.

Everyone in the studio: (quickly) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Mufasa enters the studio, Sarabi and a newly-healthy Simba are by his side)

Director: Give 'em a warm welcome everyone!!

Everyone in the studio: WE HATE SCAR!!! MUFASA IS THE GREATEST!!

Director: Not exactly what I had in mind.

Scar: (emerging from his dressing room) I heard my name being called; for anyone who's wondering, I most certainly did _not_ cause that backstage worker's death. I never even _touch_ garden sheers! (sees his brother and nephew) Oh, you're back. (notices the workers are staring at him) And what're you all gaping at?!!

Everyone in the studio: ALL HAIL THE KING!

Scar: That's better. (turns to director) Now, you there with the megaphone, I demand more scenes since I was seriously neglected in the previous one!

Director: (skeptical) By who?

Scar: The camera. It used to love me, but now we never talk anymore.

Director: Oh _why_? Why did I have to be a director? Why couldn't I have just listened to mom?!!

Timon: I know how you feel sometimes, buddy.

Director: Well we're behind schedule as it is due to Simba's injuries. (glaring at Scar) Partially because of the following investigation, and we _still_ have no idea who the culprit was. Although we do remember who trapped all those paramedics, and made it harder to get our star to the hospital!!!!

Scar: (under his breath) And _I_ still haven't figured out who let them out. Unless… (turns and snarls angrily) ED YOU IDIOT! I TOLD YOU THE UPPER LATCH _UN_LOCKED IT!

Ed: Hahahaha!! (hides behind Shenzi and Banzai)

Director: Well, fortunately for you Scar, part of this scene is a shot where the protagonist and antagonist interact, only the protagonist doesn't know the antagonist is out to get him.

Scar: Fortunate indeed. Though, to be fare, the parts I was mainly focused on were the ones involving 'antagonist' and 'the protagonist doesn't know'. (the director slumps in his chair as everyone gets in place)

Director: Let's just get this over with. (picks up megaphone) Action! (stagehand walks up)

Stagehand: Uncle Scar, Take one. (claps marker)

(A view of Scar walking up to his den, he pauses for a second, then knocks a bone he sees, off the cliff side. Simba arrives eagerly from behind)

Simba: Hey, Uncle Scar! Guess what?

Scar: (pulls out a copy of the script and opens to the scene that he's doing) I don't need to. I can just look at this script.

Director: Is that supposed to be some kind of joke or did you already forget your lines?

Scar: (offended, yet nervous tone) Me? Forget my lines? Never! I merely wish to give this scene more…personality. (looks over script once more) I despise guessing games… …_That's_ how I greet his statement? He isn't supposed to know I hate him. How does he not know that I'm the villain in this movie, if that's how I greet him? Who wrote this garbage? I'm changing it. (takes out pen and writes into the script)

Director: CUT! For Pete's sake Scar, we're not even five minutes into the scene!!

Scar: Well… perhaps it's because I've been wanting to admit something. (trying to look pitifully innocent) Ever since that incident with my nephew, I've been terribly devastated. So much, it's caused me to do horrifically in my work-

Shenzi: You can quit the act: those cops left three days ago.

Scar: What? Where was I?!

Banzai: You were busy dying your ma… (stops talking as the lion makes a slashing mark across his throat; signaling him to shut up) never mind.

Director: (sighing) Let's try again. (Simba runs back on the set)

Simba: Hey Uncle Scar, guess what?!

Scar: (obviously not in the mood for any company) I _despise_ guessing games.

Simba: (walks in a proud manner) I'm gonna be king of priderock!

Scar: Oh goody-gumdrops, let's all bow down to king Simba!

Simba: Wow, really?

Scar: No you little prick that was sarcasm!

Simba: What's a prick?

Offstage voice: Scar! (Simba and Scar look over to see Mufasa angrily storming up to them, the king turns to his brother)

Mufasa: I won't have you teaching my son such language! Stick to the script!

Scar: But Mufasa, would you say something as deplorable as "goody-gumdrops"?

Mufasa: Then ask them to change the line!

Scar: (silently fuming) I _did_, they refused. (Mufasa looks toward the director)

Director: (appearing nervous) Oh! The line was _goody_-gumdrops! Well that changes everything! (laughing) I thought he said _moody_-gumdrops, eh-heh heh…(clears throat) Well, I-I guess we can change the script this once. (laughs nervously) Anything for you Muffy! Hey, how's the wife and kids?

Scar: Try asking them yourself you twit. (points behind the director, to see Sarabi with the rest of the cast, and Simba talking to Nala since his father and uncle got into a fight)

Director: Oh…well then…how are-?

Sarabi: We're fine.

Director: Well…that's good…this is awkward…um…next take? (stagehand walks on set)

Stagehand: Uncle Scar, take 2! (claps marker)

Director: From where we were!!

Simba: Hey Uncle Scar, guess what?!

Scar: (obviously not in the mood for any company) I _despise_ guessing games.

Simba: (walks in a proud manner) I'm gonna be king of priderock! (runs to cliff edge)

Scar: (dryly) Oh goody.

Simba: (running up to see the view) My dad just showed me the whole kingdom. And I'm gonna rule it all! Heheheh. (evilly smirking, Scar sneaks up on the cub without him knowing and raises his paw)

Director: (turns the megaphone on maximum volume) CUT!!! WHAT'RE YOU DOING?!! (A loud, obnoxious feedback noise emits from the object. Both Simba and Scar look back at the director; Simba puts his paws over his ears and Scar looks back, irritated. The director takes the megaphone away from his mouth)

Scar: I was going to push him off: you SAID my character's out to dispose of the little hairball anyway.

Director: (brings the megaphone back) FIRST OFF, DON'T REPEAT LINES, IT'S BAD FOR REVIEWS. AND SECOND OFF, YOU DON'T TRY TO KILL HIM IN THISSCENE! THIS IS WHY I USED THE HIGHEST VOLUME ON MY MEGAPHONE; SO EVERYONE WILL STAY IN LINE, TO PREVENT ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS.

Scar: You forgot the part where I plug it with your own foot!!

Director: HUH?

_A few minutes later…_

(the director limps to his seat, a nurse by his side)

Nurse: The circulation to your right foot should stay normal sir, just come by the office next week and we'll fix it right up.

Director: Thanks. (sighs) Ok, let's try this again.

Banzai: (smirks and puts a paw over his ear) Sorry, can't hear you. What was that?

Director: I said 'let's try again'!!

Banzai: …Kill the bird? Well if you say so. (Grabs Zazu and lifts him over his mouth; the majordomo can be heard screaming)

Zazu: No! NOOO!!!

Timon: (walking in with a big platter, Pumbaa is beside him and also carrying some platters and containers) Hey, we got this fresh from the caterer!! (opens the box he's holding, and licks his lips) And fresh bug-and-slug casserole for us!

Pumbaa: Lemme taste!! (Rushes over, forgetting the boxes for a moment; Timon drops the platter and it goes flying. Just when Banzai is about to eat a struggling Zazu, the dish knocks the bird from his paw, and the strange meal lands in his mouth instead while the bird makes a clean getaway)

Shenzi: Hmmm, we might actually see somethin' interestin' here for a change. (Banzai covers his mouth as he gags, before running to the nearest trash can and puking to the point of exhaustion)

Director: (sighing) Nurse!! (some medical assistants come by and take the poor hyena away; Shenzi and Ed follow suite) 'Nother try people!!

Simba: (walks in a proud manner) I'm gonna be king of Priderock! (runs to cliff edge)

Scar: (smirking as he looks ahead in the script to after the stampede scene) Not according to this script! (looks ahead to the ending) …Wait…that can't be right. (takes out a pen and starts writing in the script)

Director: Cut! (annoyed) What do you think you're doing?

Scar: I'm re-writing the ending. Read it over, didn't like it. I think it would be better if…

Director: No! Stick to the script.

Scar: (smiling) Oh, with pleasure. Just as soon as I make a few changes…

Random Mouse: (rolling his eyes and pointing to Scar) Is this guy for real?

Director: (to mouse) Get out! You're not in this scene! (the mouse leaves quickly) Next take PLEASE!!!

_A few minutes later…_

Stagehand: Uncle Scar, Take 35! (claps marker)

Simba: (walks in a proud manner) I'm gonna be king of Priderock! (runs to cliff edge)

Scar: (dryly) Oh goody.

Simba: My dad just showed me the whole kingdom, _and I'm gonna ruuule it all!_ Heh, heh!

Scar: Yes, well forgive me for not _leaping_ for joy; bad back you know. (slumps to the ground…then roars in pain)

Director: WHAT'S WRONG?!! I FIGURE I SHOULD BE THE FIRST TO ASK SINCE THE LAWYERS SAY I'M SUPPOSED TO CARE!

Scar: I THINK I JUST BROKE MY (a bleeping sound is heard) SHOULDER. (the audience in the lot and some of the cast gasp; but either way the kids' ears get covered)

Nala: What does (another bleeping sound) mean? (the hyenas, including Banzai who had fully recovered by the time they got back to the studio, all laugh but try to cover their mouths because the parents of the cubs are becoming furious)

Sarafina: How DARE you use that kind of language in front of our children?!

Scar: (shrugging) Why try to stop today from what will surely happen tomorrow?

Nala: Hey, didn't you say your shoulder was broken? (all eyes are on Scar)

Scar: I…erm…well, what a miracle! Oh, good show old shaman! (a gourd is thrown at him from off screen) What the devil did I say?!

Rafiki: At least I look younger than you!!!! …I should, shouldn't I?

Everybody: Eh…

Scar: Well, let's not focus on my corporal punishment. Like I inquired earlier, why try to stop your children from doing something they'll only do when they're older?

Zazu: Because it's atrocious to hear it coming from a _child's_ mouth. You putting it like that is the same as saying 'Why stop them from drinking? They'll only do it when they're older.'

Banzai: Well whoddya think's to blame for the kid saying or drinking stuff in the first place? (all the parents look away, ashamed; some parents in the audience look shameful as well)

Director: …Next take.

Stagehand: Scar, Take 36! (claps marker)

Simba: My dad just showed me the whole kingdom, _and I'm gonna ruuule it all!_ Heh, heh!

Scar: Yes, well forgive me for not _leaping_ for joy; bad back you know. (slumps to the ground, Simba runs up to him and halfway climbs over his mane to talk to him)

Simba: Hey Uncle Scar, when I'm king, what'll that make you?

Scar: Still the unchanged, and unloved, outcast.

Simba: (concerned) Really? Why would someone do that?

Director: CUT! Scar, stick to your lines! Try again kid.

Simba: Hey Uncle Scar, when I'm king, what'll that make you?

Scar: A worthless heathen.

Director: Scar, for the last time: it's "monkey's uncle", and I'm not gonna say it again!!

_A few _'it's monkey's uncle not worthless heathen's_ later…_

Simba: Hey uncle Scar, when I'm king, what'll that make you?

Scar: (not even looking at him) A monkey's uncle.

Rafiki: De spirits forbid!!! On de odah hand…my great unca Reechad _did_ resemble-

Director: CUUUUUT!!!

(Simba laughs and rolls off him, then looks at him again)

Simba: You're so weird. (Scar stares at him, then grins cynically)

Scar: You have no idea.

Shenzi and Banzai: Seriously. (Scar gives them a look; Banzai smirks and Shenzi winks)

Director: (to the writer) Remind me to lock up my villains while we're shooting the next scene. (yells) Try again!

Scar: (gets up and walks offscreen, Simba follows) So, your father showed you the whole kingdom did he?

Simba: Everything.

Scar: He didn't show you what's beyond that rise at the northern border?

Simba: (sighing and sitting down unhappily) Well no; he said I can't go there.

Scar: …And?

Simba: (surprised) Huh?

Scar: (rolling his eyes) Would you like to know what's out there?

Simba: (excitedly) Yeah!

Scar: Then go there and find out for yourself.

Simba: (trying to keep character) But, my dad said...

Scar: Oh, spare me the little "I'm an innocent little cub who always obeys my daddy" act. Act out, once in a while. Smoke some weed. Take up drinking. Say a swear at the end of every sentence. Live a little, for God's sake. Disobeying your parents is cool.

Simba: …Um…what are you doing?

Director: That's what I'd like to know. CUT! (to Scar) What exactly is wrong with you? Stick to the script!

Scar: (innocently) I am. See? (Hands script to director. Director reads over script, his eyes widening upon seeing that Scar was right)

Director: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REAL SCRIPT?!!!!!

Random antelope: Er…sorry. Someone left it in the copier with the script to an after-school special and they got kind of…jumbled up.

Director: (sighs) …Ugh…take five, everyone. (he and the writers leave)

Random bird sitting on an elephant's tusk: Now what? (there is a pause)

Simba: COFFEE BREAK!!

Everybody there: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

_One "take five" later…_

Director: Well, first of all I would like to thank T n' P for preventing another hectic coffee incident (gestures to Timon and Pumbaa, who receive applause from everybody, even the villains) Second of all, I'd like to acknowledge the writer for fixing the script problem. (the writer receives little applause, but smiles…even though he feels dead on the inside) And without further ado, let's pick up where we left off!

Stagehand: Uncle Scar, Take 37!

Scar: He didn't show you what's beyond that rise at the northern border?

Simba: (sighing and sitting down unhappily) Well no; he said I can't go there.

Scar: And he's _ABSOLUTELY RIGHT: FAR_ too dangerous! (looks off almost nobly) Only the bravest lions go there.

Simba: (trying to look fearless) Well _I'm_ brave. (raises a brow) What's out there-?

Scar: (now lying down, he shakes his head and looks away) I'm sorry Simba I just _can't_ tell you.

Simba: (walks over so he is in Scar's line of vision) Why not?

Scar: Because that would make it obvious that I want you to go there.

Simba: …(turns around) Director! He's ad-libbing again! (the director storms up to them)

Director: Scar, how many times do I- (Scar pushes director off cliff; loud scream, then thud. Everyone except Scar looks over the edge, before slowly turning to Scar. Scar casually examines the back of his claws)

Scar: As I was saying, Simba, I can't tell you. Not that it matters, anyway. If I tell you, you'll go out of interest. If I don't tell you, you'll go there out of curiosity. Either way, you'll go, so it's better if I just sit here looking pretty.

Cameraman: (still looking down at Director) …Is he dead?

Antelope: No, no…he's alive…just really, really, hurt.

Scar: (to Cameraman and antelope) PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHEN I'M TALKING!

Director: (heard from below) Somebody tell the writer…while I'm gone…he's in charge.

Random Stagehand: Didn't we just do this episode already?

Writer: TO THE SET!!! …And do that little circly-thing between cuts like in the batman episodes.

_One "Rafiki-themed" circly-thing later…_

Writer: …Why did that Batman reference have a Rafiki head in the middle of it?

Rafiki: Because Rafiki is a fan of de Batman as well!!

Writer: (sigh) Action.

Simba: (trying to look fearless) Well _I'm_ brave. (raises a brow) What's out there-?

Scar: (now lying down, he shakes his head and looks away) I'm sorry Simba I just _can't_ tell you.

Simba: (walks over so he is in Scar's line of vision) Why not?

Scar: (looking down "sincerely") Simba, Simba, I'm only looking out for the well-being of my _favorite nephew_. (nearly envelopes Simba's whole cranium in his paw as he tussles the cub's head)

Simba: (scoffs) Yeah, right. (peeking from his paw) I'm your _only_ nephew.

Scar: (taking his paw away to gesture) _All_ the more reason for me to be protective! (looks back at the northern border) An Elephant Graveyard is no place for a young prince. (puts paw to mouth quickly, faking guiltiness) –Oops!!

Simba: (excited and happy) AN ELEPHANT WHAT?! (looks at the northern border as well) Whoa…

Shenzi: What you so happy 'bout? You think it's great livin' in a graveyard?

Banzai (and Ed): Yeah!

Simba: But it sounds so cool!

Banzai: So did TLC, but look what happened to them (looks at Shenzi) _Shenzi_. (she rolls her eyes)

Simba: What's TLC?

Random lioness: Just some lower-class rappers from the 80's, nothing we need to worry about and nothing you should concern yourself with.

Shenzi: (angry) HEY! TLC WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST RAP GROUPS OF ALL TIME!!!!

Scar: I _told_ you they were all racist.

Banzai: So tell us somethin' we _don't_ know.

Writer: Next take.

Shenzi: I'm suin' somebody fah this!

Nala: (runs up to her) Can _I_ learn more about 'em? My mom already said it was ok. (Shenzi looks at her skeptically) What? Sometimes people say I have an accent.

Shenzi: Eh, what the hey? (both walk off to her dressing room) I can make you into a cub-sandwich if I get bored and tell yo' momma it was one of those morons. (looks at Banzai and Ed)

Nala: Huh?

Shenzi: Nothin', nothin'. So, I betcha didn't one of 'em was deaf…(both of them disappear behind the door)

Writer: Next take!

Scar: Pardon me?

Writer: Next take…please?

Scar: Very good. (puts paw to forehead in dramatic gesture) Oh _dear_ I've said too much! …Well I suppose you'd have found out sooner or later. You being _so clever_ and all. (Simba tilts his head)

Simba: Are you being sarcastic?

Scar: Of course not! I think you're _incredibly_ bright! Just like I think Mufasa is _not_ a muscle-head, Rafiki does _not_ smoke weed between breaks, and Shenzi is _not_ abnormally attractive for someone of a different spe- (a crashing sound is heard)

Shenzi: (poking her head from her room) I heard my name. What's goin' on out there? (She sees Banzai trying to kill Scar, while Ed and Mufasa try to pull them apart) …Practicing for future scenes?! …Banzai, I am impressed! (closes the door back)

Banzai: YOU, DIE, NOW!!! (He repeatedly pounds the lion's head against the floor, until Scar smacks him off with one of his paws, claws fully-extended. Banzai crashes into some old camera equipment, but shakes it off and lunges at him full-speed. Scar takes a hit to the torso, before both males struggle to be on top while repeatedly scratching and clawing each other)

Writer: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!! (Ed and Mufasa get into the fight and "knock" them apart; as a result, Banzai is unconscious. Ed drags him off to get some medical attention, while Mufasa leaves as Scar limps back onset) Make-up! (a make-up crew fixes up Scar's injuries) That Banzai's pretty tough for a hyena…

Scar: (growling) I heard that.

Writer: (nervous) …Where are those lion tamers the director said he was gonna hire?

Random Stagehand: Oh, they called earlier. Said they were stuck in traffic.

Writer: Great.

Banzai: (who is getting patched up by the nurse) You're tellin' me; now I wish I _didn't_ bump off those guys for _that_ waste of air. (scowls at Scar as Shenzi and Nala come out of the dressing room, Nala runs excitedly up to her mother)

Nala: Mom, can we get a TLC album on the way home?! Shenzi let me listen to some songs in her room it was really fun and-!! (her eager voice becomes so fast it is impossible to understand her)

Nurse: Why is it _you're_ the most frequent visitor here? Besides that lion cub?

Shenzi: Because Scar's sneaky. And Banzai…well his luck just plain sucks.

Banzai: (sarcastic) Thanks.

Writer: Try again!!

Stagehand: Uncle Scar, Take 38. (claps marker)

Scar: …Well I suppose you'd have found out sooner or later. You being _so clever_ and all. (appearing to be worrisome as he "hugs" his nephew to his muzzle) Just do me one favor: promise me you'll never visit that _dreadful_ place.

Simba: (glances to the border for a moment, then smiles back slyly) No problem.

Scar: There's a good lad. (nudges Simba along, he starts to run off) You run along now and have fun. And remember, (Simba looks back) it's our little secret. (the cub smiles and leaves, Scar turns away and smirks deviously)

Writer: Cut! Beautiful, take 10 people!!

Everybody: 10?!

Writer: What?

Random stagehand: The director only lets us take 5…

Another stagehand: And he never lets us take breaks between _scenes_…

Timon: Why is it we have a better time makin' the movie when this guy's on duty?

Scar: Life's not fair, is it?

Writer: Very funny.

_A few minutes later…_

(Cut to a view of Simba running down a slope on Priderock past a few lionesses…until he slips and slides down)

Simba: WHOA!!!!!! (skids past Nala, Sarabi and Sarafina…only to see the edge which he nearly falls off…if not for the quick-thinking of Sarabi, whose confidence seems to rise greatly at her deed) Thanks mom. (both fall off the edge as the rock crumbles)

Shenzi: (whispering) I toldja she was puttin' on weight. (Banzai and Ed shrug)

Writer: (groans) Next take. And I hope he doesn't slip anymore.

_A few more slips later…_

Writer: WILL SOMEBODY TELL THE JANITOR TO PUT LESS WAX ON THE FLOOR?!!!!!

Stagehand: Uncle Scar, Take 52!

(Simba runs down a slope on Priderock again, past a few lionesses, he finds his mother, Nala, and her mother at the bottom of the group; Nala's mother is giving her a bath)

Simba: Hey Nala.

Nala: Hi Simba.

Simba: (whispering) C'mon, I just heard about this great place.

Nala: (through her teeth) _Simba_, I'm kinda in the middle of a bath.

Simba: (pauses) So why didn't you take one before this scene? (Nala rolls her eyes)

Writer: Keep going, we'll just cut that out.

Sarabi's voice: And it's time for yours. (Simba appears fretful and tries to get away, but his mother leans down, lifts him in her jaws by his head, and begins bathing her son as he protests)

Simba: MOM! (she licks his cheek, he tries to escape but she catches him and licks his back) Mom! You're messing up my mane! (she licks the top of his head, only for a thin strand of fur to curl up, he scowls as she smiles; he quickly gets down from the rock and starts smoothing it back down) Ok, ok, I'm clean. Can we go now?

Nala: (while her mother is licking her backside, she's holding her tail aside) So where we going? It better not be any place dumb.

Shenzi, Banzai (and Ed): DUMB?! (all laugh uncontrollably)

Shenzi: I'd prefer 'anyplace dumb' over the E.G. any day!

Banzai: Dude, I'd KILL for 'anyplace dumb'!!

Ed: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!

Writer: (sigh) Cut that out too.

Simba: No. (whispers in anticipation) It's _really cool_. (the trio stare…before doubling over; the writer is about to say something, but Sarabi takes the hint)

Sarabi: (cutting in as she lays on a rock above them) So where _is_ this really cool place? (Simba is surprised, but tries to think of an alibi while he turns to her to avoid suspicion)

Simba: Oh. …A-around the waterhole-

Nala: (jerks her head up while her mother is licking her back leg) The waterhole?! What's so great about the waterhole? (pauses) Oh wait yeah, they added that new multi-plex! (gasps) With Lionardo de Carnivore signing autographs!!!

Shenzi: Don't fahget Snoop Dog!

Sarafina: Or Brad Pit-bull!

Writer: Or Kelly Clarkson!!! (gets some stares) …Next take.

Simba: (though his teeth now) I'll show you when we _get_ there.

Nala: Oh. (gets up) Uh, mom, can I go with Simba?

Nala's mother: Hmmm, what do you think, Sarabi? (suddenly looks back at the writer) Are you sure there's no way to let people know my name?

Writer: Not in the movie. You'll be named in the credits though. (Sarafina sighs)

Sarafina: Now I know how Brad Pit-bull's wife feels…

Sarabi: Who dear?

Sarafina: Exactly.

Director: (arriving from out-of-nowhere) Guess what everybody? I'm back!!! …I said I'm back! …Oh c'mon, Mufasa got a big welcome. Well anyway, get out of my chair.

Writer: (gets up) And in that seat, I leave my soul… (walks out as the director gets comfortable)

Director: Ahhh, now then… (pauses) Why does this script keep saying 'Nala's mother' and not Sarafina?

Stagehand: You said it would be like nobody even knew her name, so that's how we wrote it. (Director shrugs)

Director: As you were!

Stagehand: Uncle Scar, Take 53! (claps marker)

Nala's mother: Hmmm, what do you think, Sarabi?

Sarabi: Well…

Simba and Nala: (smiling "innocently") Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

Sarabi: It's alright with me. (both cubs cheer and run off excitedly)

Simba: Yeah!!

Nala: Alright!

Sarabi: (calling after them) As long as Zazu goes with you. (the cubs stop after her statement and look at each other, appalled)

Nala: Aw man, what a buzz kill!

Simba: Mom, can't ya let us have any fun for _once_?!

Director: Kids…

Simba and Nala: (groaning) Stick to our lines.

Simba: (whining in disappointment) _No_, not Zazu!

Nala: Yeah, not banana beak!

Director and Zazu: I need aspirin…

Director: Ok, well, (claps hands) that's a wrap people!

Random zebra: Um...Sir?

Director: What? (zebra hands the director a bill, the director reads over the bill carefully, before becoming infuriated)

Director: WHO USED MY CREDIT CARD TO BUY STYLING GEL? (Scar turns away and whistles casually; everyone turns to Scar, the director's nostrils flare)

Director: YOU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU NEED $100,000,000,000,000,000 WORTH OF STYLING GEL FOR? I DON'T EVEN HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY!

Scar: Really? Huh. I make that much in one week! (the director's jaw drops, before he is held back by two zebras who keep him from attacking Scar, meanwhile Simba runs off and comes back with a bowl of spaghetti, comes back, then climbs on Scar and smiles)

Simba: You shouldn't brag about how much money you make. It's rude.

Scar: (rolling his eyes) So? (Simba dumps the spaghetti on Scar's head)

Simba: Enjoy your spaghetti! 'Cause you're rude! (Scar pauses, before roaring, grabbing Simba, and throwing him off the ledge)

Scar: YOU LITTLE twat! I SPENT HOURS STYLING MY MANE THIS MORNING!!! (everyone freezes, except for the director who is now madly struggling against the two zebras)

Director: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! THAT WAS OUR STAR! …YOU ARE SO FI-

Random voice from below: Don't worry! We got 'im! (the director leans over the ledge to see Timon and Pumbaa, with Simba on the warthog's back)

Director: How are you guys always… Never mind. Just bring him up here. (Timon and Pumbaa nod and start climbing the ledge while Scar wipes the spaghetti from his mane, the director looks at the bill again…and once again he becomes furious) AND WHO SPENT THE LAST OF OUR BUDGET ON PAINKILLERS?!!! (Ed and Rafiki run out of the studio)

* * *

(Timon is bathing, behind stage that is, in the sound of the audience's praise)

Pumbaa: …I wonder if we'll get into more trouble for using celebrity names without permission.

_Meanwhile…_

(Cut to a view of Simba and Nala's house)

Simba: So here's the plan, we put on disguises, get into the theatre, and one half of the group distracts security while the other half sneaks behind stage to find out the identities of whoever's playing this show.

Zazu: A fool-proof plan your majesty!

Gopher: So simple, yet so fail-safe.

Zazu: A preparation among preparations!

Gopher: A remarkable piece of plot! (both get nose-to-nose and scowl at each other)

Zazu: Impenetrable!

Gopher: Astounding!

Zazu: Miraculous!

Nala: (whispering) From kissing-up to the last king, to the next. (Simba laughs)

* * *

(Shenzi and Banzai can be seen assembling more weapons in the living room)

Shenzi: (yelling upstairs) Yo Ed! You still givin' T the tickle torture up there or what?

Banzai: (speaking low) Maybe he's givin' her somethin' else.

Shenzi: (scoffing) That's just 'like a male' of you.

Banzai: I'm 23, and I live with two babes I'm not even dating!! What _else_ am I supposed to think about when I decide I wanna think?!

_Meanwhile, upstairs…_

(T is putting away all her books in the pack on her bed)

T: Finally, done with all the work that was completed in futile efforts I'll never use in life.

Ed: (peeks his head in her room) Uh-hee-huh?

T: Oh hey Ed. Need somethin'? (he holds out the book he bit earlier, only now free of drool though the bite marks are still there) Oh man, thanks! (takes it and packs it as well, then falls back on her bed as she sighs in relief) Glad that's over. (looks over at him) You ever been made to do something you know you'd never use?

Ed: (slides next to her) Ee-heh-ha-hoo.

T: (turns over to face him with her head resting on her hand) What's lackey-training?

Ed: Hahahahaha!!

T: (laughs a little) Sounds rough. (there is a pause as the two stare at nothing in particular) So um…the thing earlier, it was just to get your knife back right?

Ed: (quickly nods) Heh-heh! Heh…

T: Oh…o-ok! Just wondering. (another silent moment)

Ed: Heh-la-ha?

T: No, just something that doesn't happen a lot around here. Usually when both of us laugh it's when we're watching Comedy Central or something. …Weird, we should do stuff like that more often. (Ed nods, both smile at each other…after awhile, they lean towards each other)

…

… (they suddenly look uncomfortable, as if unready for something)

So…Chris Rock plays this Friday night, wanna watch it?

Ed: (shaking his head) Bwa-he-la-lee.

T: What's a stiff job? (Ed puts his hands up as if to say "Never mind")

Ed: Ha-heh-ha-ha-heh-hee?

T: Old Chris Farley clips on Saturday night? (Ed nods…after a moment she smiles) Yeah, I'd like that.

Ed: (smiling as well) Eh-heh. (both hug…failing to notice someone watching them from the window…)

_Outside_…

Nuka: (glaring at Ed) You are treading in dangerous territory my hitman acquaintance, you have no idea… (falls out of the tree he was using to peep into T's room) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (crashing noise is heard) Ohhhh… mother, I can see Mufasa (looks panicked) and he looks angry!!

_Back inside_…

T: What was that? (Ed, who is too busy holding her contentedly, shrugs)


	7. I Just Can't Wait to Learn to Sing!

Am honestly thinking about postponing a few fics for ATEV again; I really want to see more updates just as much as my readers, it's just the "getting it down on paper" that's the problem.

* * *

(a view of T in a classroom is seen, she is standing in front of the teacher's desk)

Teacher: _Why_ does your history book have bite marks in it?

T: My frien- I mean, my dog tried to eat it. (the teacher gives her a look) You'd be surprised at how realistic the cover looks to _him_.

Teacher: (pushing her glasses up further on her nose) Normally, I'd write a student up for using the oldest excuse in… history, (laughs, T rolls her eyes) but I'm not going to give you detention because of this book.

T: …What _are_ you gonna give me?

Teacher: (looking disappointed) Destroying your sense of false hope is part of _my_ job.

T: Actually it didn't even get that far; I've learned to expect these things.

Teacher: Well, no matter, anyway you're to do a 3-page assignment for me, front-to-back counting as _one_ page, and you're going to hand it in tomorrow.

T: (shrugs) Kay. (leans near desk) So, what's the "important" assignment I have to waste my time on, even though I'll probably never use it in life?

(cut to view of Shenzi, Banzai and Ed's house)

ME AND MY MOUTH!!!! (T growls as she scribbles on a paper in her room, Shenzi opens the door and walks in)

Shenzi: What's got your bangs in a knot?

T: One of the most dominant females in my life hates me.

Shenzi: (looking taken aback) What makes you think I hate you?! I mean sure, you're a lil' annoying whenevah you gimme the guilt trip about killin' street musicians fah fun. And even that gets me wonderin' how why you, against hyena nature, has a heart for some reason, and on top 'a that sometimes makes visits to our blood-enemies the lion royals, but still-

T: (getting impatient) Not you! My torture chamber master of a math teacher.

Shenzi: (raises an eyebrow while leaning against the doorframe) …And, you mind tellin' me what's so dominant about her? She gets paid, n' _barely_ at that, to yell at kids for not payin' attention to some crap they's never gonna use in life. And _you_, a…sympathetic female, who, think she can be compared to _me_?

T: Well right now she's trying to fill my brain to overcapacity by making me do all these useless calculus problems.

Shenzi: (grinning) You look like you're _lovin'_ it to me.

T: Fat chance! NOBODY LIKES CALCULUS, LET ALONE KNOWS IT! So even if I wanted help from one of my spoiled, rowdy, dumb as dirt classmates, I can't because nobody knows how to do it!

Shenzi: That and they run everytime they see ya comin'. I've picked you up from school before and I ain't blind.

T: When would a person need to use calculus in life?

(neither one notice that outside, seen from the window in Ts room, a boy who goes to school with her, moonlighting as a drug dealer, sneaks up to another classmate's car; he quickly pulls out a gun and holds it to his head)

Dealer: DO AS I SAY OR YOU'RE DEAD!

Classmate: (terrified) OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP!!

Dealer: STOP SCREAMING OR YOU DIE NOW!

Classmate: Don't hurt me!!

Dealer: NOW LISTEN! (holds up a book) GIMME THE ANSWER TO THIS CALCULUS PROBLEM NOW!!

Classmate: (confused) What?

Dealer: ANSWER ME!!!

Classmate: I don't know!

Dealer: SOLVE THIS **NOW!!!**

Classmate: (shaking) I don't know!! I never took calculus! I'm on my way to a neighborhood watch meeting! (starts to cry, the dealer sighs angrily and kicks the tire; another dealer comes up)

Dealer #2: Well, did he know it?

Dealer #1: NOBODY knows it! …And are we seriously threatening to shoot this guy over a math problem?

Dealer #2: Why not? I feel like doin' the same thing to my Geometry teacher.

Dealer #1: Why do we need to know this crap anyway?!

Classmate: I think Bill Gates took calculus…

Dealer #2: I HAVE AN iPOD! (the classmate starts crying again; cut back to T's room)

Shenzi: Alright, alright. But whadda you expect? It's _public_ school.

T: Right.

Shenzi: …You know, all of a sudden I'm bored. (Banzai and Ed walk by) Hey boys. (they turn to look at her) Ed how did that joke about Banzai's injured tail-end go again?

Banzai: (starting to furrow his brow) What?

Shenzi: Oh yeah, he was rollin' on the floor 'bout it last night. (Banzai turns to Ed and growls) Think it went…whose rump's bigger 'n J Lo's after a scrap? Banzai's!

(Banzai tackles Ed to the floor and the two scratch, bite, and hit one another)

T: I really think you shouldn't have done that.

Shenzi: Yeah, maybe. But then we wouldn't 'a had some entahtainment! (T gives her a look) …What? This ain't amusin' to you? (T shakes her head) Girl, you gotta get a sense of humor. Here! (pushes into the scrap, where she is unnoticed by the two males who continue to pummel each other, not knowing T's getting some blows as well)

Shenzi: Hey, 'least they ain't puttin' _this_ on that screen at the drive in!

* * *

Director: ALRIGHT! LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT: THIS IS THE FIRST SONG NUMBER DONE _SOLELY_ BY THE CHARACTERS! MEANING I WANT IT TO BE PERFECT! I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THE SCENE BEFORE IT, BUT SONG NUMBERS ARE WHAT HELP MAKE THE MOST COLD HARD CASH, SO LET'S MAKE LIKE LEONARDO DeCAPRIO AND MAKE THOSE CRITICS CRY!!! (sits in chair) Thank goodness there's no villains in this scene. (yells into megaphone) ACTION!

(view of Zazu, Simba, and Nala going to the waterhole is seen)

Zazu: (flying overhead) Step lively; the sooner we get to the waterhole, (cut to view of Nala and Simba below) the sooner we can leave. With any luck, that elephant from the opening scene won't be there to vent his irritability on me.

Director: CUT! That elephant was shot down after being hit 23 times with tranquilizers darts and shipped back to Kenya after crushing all our native companion birds for the crocodiles, hence making us have to do with bluebirds.

Bluebird: (seen inside a croc's mouth) I've never tasted preys that FEARS before!

Director: Take 2! (marker claps)

Zazu: (flying overhead) Step lively; the sooner we get to the waterhole, (cut to view of Nala and Simba below) the sooner we can leave.

Nala: (whispering to Simba) So where we _really_ going?

Simba: (also whispering) An Elephant Graveyard.

Nala: WOW!

Zazu: (looking below) What's going on down there?

Nala: WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT SNEAKING OFF TO THE ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD!

Simba: (mocking) WHY ARE YOU STILL YELLING?

Director: CUT!

(cut to scene 18)

Nala: (whispering to Simba) So where we _really_ going?

Simba: (also whispering) An Elephant Graveyard.

Nala: WOW!

Simba: (quickly) Shhh! (Nala cringes back) Zazu!

Nala: Right. So how we gonna ditch the dodo?

(cut to view of Zazu flying overhead, after looking down and seeing Simba and Nala whispering he smiles and swoops down)

Zazu: Oh just look at you two, little seeds of romance blossoming in the savannah. (the cubs exchange skeptical looks) Your parents will be thrilled! What with your being, betrothal and all.

Simba: (confused) Be-what?

Zazu: Betrothed; Intended; Affianced. (Nala and Simba exchanged puzzled glances)

Nala: Meaning…?

Zazu: One day you two are going to be married!

Simba: Yuck! …Uh, Nala, you're supposed to sound grossed-out too.

Nala: (angry) Why would marrying me be so bad?!

Simba: Huh?

Zazu: He's probably referring to your inability to control your oral cavity.

Nala: So I'm not one of those wildlife pet show cubs; I'm still great!

Simba: I was following lines!

Nala: Lines set by who? The shallow producers?! They didn't hire any female who wasn't some kind of shade of blonde!

Shenzi: Well…not unless you know what strings to pull.

Simba: NO! I WAS SAYING MY LINES, IN THE SCRIPT THE DIRECTOR MADE!

Nala: Oh… (laughs, embarrassed) Oh, I'm sorry Simba.

Director: TAKE 19! (mumbling) Dumb blonde cub…

Nala: I heard that! (marker claps)

Zazu: One day you two are going to be married!

Simba and Nala: Yuck! Eww!

Simba: I can't marry her; she's my friend.

Nala: Yeah, it'd be so weird.

Zazu: (slightly annoyed) Well sorry to burst your bubble but you two turtledoves have no choice. (both cubs smirk as Simba mouths 'blah, blah, blah' while Zazu's back is turned) It's a tradition, going back generations.

Simba: Well when _I'm_ king, that'll be the first thing to go.

Zazu: (turning back as music starts) Not so long as I'm around.

Simba: Well in that case you're fired.

Zazu: Hmmm, nice try, but only the king (taps Simba's nose) can do that.

Nala: (coming up beside Simba) Well, he's the _future_ king.

Simba: (getting a little cocky) Yeah, so you have to do what I tell ya. (bumps Zazu back with his paw, irritating him)

Zazu: And who do you think you are?! Some character in a mafia movie?! I'll have you know the majordomo's are the _real_ power behind any king, despite our rare time in what little spotlight we're given.

Sarabi: You're mistaking them for someone else.

Zazu: (nervous) Yes, (gulps) of course, (backs up) your majesty…(bolts away)

Director: (sighs) Start up the music again. And remember people: PERFECT! (marker claps)

Simba: Well when _I'm_ king, that'll be the first thing to go.

Zazu: (turning back as music starts) Not so long as I'm around.

Simba: Well in that case you're fired.

Zazu: Hmmm, nice try, but only the king (taps Simba's nose) can do that.

Nala: (coming up beside Simba) Well, he's the _future_ king.

Simba: (getting a little cocky) Yeah, so you have to do what I tell ya. (bumps Zazu back with his paw, irritating him)

Zazu: (wings on his hips) Not yet I don't, and with an attitude like that I'm afraid you're shaping up to be a pretty pathetic king indeed.

Simba: (turns back with a smirk) Huh, not the way I see it. (pounces as the background becomes more vibrant in color and music livens, and starts to sing…badly and creekily)

_Ah'm goona be a my-tea king _(backs Zazu to a tree)

_Sue emenie's be-where!_ (the hornbill can't take it and bursts out laughing)

Director: CUT!

Zazu: I'm terribly sorry (stifles laughter) but, that voice! (chuckles)

Director: Not you, the kid. (looks at Simba) Hey, what's up there?

Simba: (rubbing his neck painfully, his voice comes out scratchy) My throat's killin' me.

_A few minutes later…_

(Simba is being examined by the vet)

Vet: Hmmmm…well, his windpipe is severely damaged. But it's not stomach acid. Has he ingested any toxic chemicals lately?

Director: (glaring in the direction of Scar's dressing room) Now that you mention it…

Vet: Well, (puts away equipment) he'll need plenty of lukewarm, soothing liquids. If he isn't better in a week call me. (hands the director a piece of paper)

Director: You forgot the hyphens in your phone number.

Vet: The phone number's already printed at the bottom. _That_ is my bill. (the director examines it one more time…and faints)

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the drive in…_

(cut to view of Simba, Nala, Zazu and Gopher in front of a gorilla security officer)

Gorilla Security Officer: For the last time, you're not on the list.

Simba: Well we plan on getting into this place one way or another!

Gorilla Security Officer: (chuckles) And who's gonna let you do that? (Simba glares at him, until he notices movement behind his shoulder, and sees Pumbaa sneaking from behind the stage)

Simba: Pumbaa!! (the warthog halts in his tracks at the familiar voice, and looks over slowly, only to freeze head-to-hoof upon seeing Simba, as well as Nala, Zazu, and Gopher behind him)

Pumbaa: (with a nervous smile, a bead of sweat dripping down his brow) Er…hiya Simba.

Simba: How'd you get in there?

Pumbaa: Well, I um… (Timon suddenly slides in front of him from out of nowhere, suspiciously, one of his hands is held behind his back)

Timon: We're investigating the film projectors!!

Simba, Nala, Zazu and Gopher: You are?

Pumbaa: We are? (Timon turns around and muzzles the warthog's snout with an empty popcorn bag, his tusks being the only things breaking through the paper)

Timon: Eh, sure! What with _our_ names not being on the list, we took advantage of the opportunity to expose these creeps for who they are!

Simba: Great! Well, can ya let us in? We can help you guys.

Timon: Uh-

Gorilla Security Officer: (towering towards Simba) YOU'RE. NOT. ON. THE. LIST! (Simba nearly growls)

Timon: Aw, don't worry about it buddy! We gotcha back right here! Don't we Pumbaa? (Pumbaa's muffled voice is heard through the popcorn bag, Timon turns around to yank it off; while he is tugging though, Zazu and Gopher notice something in his hand, which for some reason curled into a fist…until they see it: a tightly rolled-up piece of film, barely showing through his clenched fingers; the two gasp, before exchanging surprised to angry looks; finally Timon yanks the bag off Pumbaa's snout and turns to face them, before raising his eyebrow at Zazu and Gopher)

Pumbaa: Uh, right!

Simba: (sighs) Well, thanks anyway guys. (he and Nala turn to leave, while Zazu and Gopher remain behind, puzzling T until both their eyes widen when they see the other two smirk and hold one limb behind their back, while using the other to point to said limb, before turning to leave themselves; Pumbaa gives Timon a worried glance but the meerkat puts his hands on his hips and looks up at the gorilla)

Timon: Hey, those two stole 3 pounds of bananas!

Gorilla Security Guard: MY WAGE!!! (tackles Zazu and Gopher and brings them in; cut to Nala and Simba walking down the street, until they realize they are missing two)

Simba: Where's Zazu and Gopher?

* * *

Director: Alright people, kid says he's back on track so let's get this song number done faster than the downward spiral of my career! (marker claps)

Simba: _I'm gonna be a mighty king_ (backs Zazu to a tree)

_So enemies beware_ (Zazu falls into a hole and tries to get himself out)

Zazu: _Well I've never seen a king of beasts with quite so little hair_ (gets out and plucks a hair out of Simba's head; Simba flinches and a view of him with leaves for a mane is shown next)

Simba: _I'm gonna be the 'mane' event _(shakes leaves off as he climbs a tree)

_Like no king was before_ ( Zazu is seen waiting as he reaches the top, looking stern)

_I'm brushin' up on lookin' down_

_I'm workin' on my ROAR! _(roars in Zazu's direction, causing him to fall in a mud pit)

Zazu: (tries to clean mud off with something) Thus far, a rather uninspiring thing. (view of him using an elephant's ear to clean himself, the elephant slaps him away with its trunk, Zazu goes flying with a cry of pain, then is seen skipping across a lake where a reflection in it shows a flock of flamingoes; Simba and Nala are seen running through them and scaring them off)

Simba: _Oh I just can't wait to be king! _(a wave arises from their fun, when it lowers a view of a soaked Zazu is seen waddling up to them irritably)

Zazu: You've rather a long way to go young master if you think!

Simba: _No one sayin' "Do this!"_ (as one cub sings the other makes a face behind Zazu's back, such as Nala is doing while Zazu is looking at Simba)

Zazu: Now when I said that- (quickly turns to Nala out of suspicion, she puts on an innocent face and sings while Simba makes a face of his own)

Nala: _No one sayin' "Be there."_

Zazu: What I meant was- (abruptly turns to Simba when he sees something in the corner of his eye, Simba goes back to singing while Nala makes another face)

Simba: _No one sayin' "Stop that!"_

Zazu: But, what you don't realize- (turns back and sees Nala making a face, both cubs run off as he loses patience)

Simba and Nala: _No one sayin' "See here!"_

Zazu: NOW SEE HERE!!! (two long bird feet run by the puddle he's in front of, Zazu looks up, and Simba and Nala are seen riding ostriches)

Simba: _Free to run around all day!_

Zazu: (flying in pursuit) Well that's definitely out.

Simba: _Free to do it all my way!!_ (Zazu gives chase until he's out in front of them)

Zazu: (pointing to Simba) _I think it's time that you and I arranged a heart-to-heart!_ (crashes into a rhino's backside, Simba, Nala, and even the ostriches seem to be jeering him)

Simba: _Kings don't need advice, from little hornbills for a start!_

Zazu: (falls onto ground, then flies onto tree branch in the middle of a river) _If this is where the monarchy is headed, COUNT ME OUT!_

_OUT OF SERVICE, OUT OF AFRICA_

_I WOULDN'T HANG ABOUT!_ (yells as he nearly falls down a waterfall, then flies back up)

_This child is getting wildly out of wing!_ (Simba and Nala are then seen walking through an aisle of zebras)

Simba: _Oh I just can't wait to be king!_ (Zazu tries to follow, but regretfully sees the zebras turn around, raise their tails up, and tries to shield himself with his wings; then a view of Simba and Nala running under elephants, narrowly avoiding getting stomped on, is seen, Zazu flies above the herd and swoops down trying to find them; above Simba is seen on a giraffe's head)

_Everybody look left!_ (Zazu gasps in surprise as a bunch of animals come rushing toward him from the left, trampling him, he tries to stumble to his feet)

_Everybody look right!_ (the same thing occurs, only the animals go right)

_Everywhere you look I'm-_ (Simba is seen jumping on giraffe heads, before sliding down one's neck and landing on its back, seeming to have a light shining down on him)

_Standin' in the spotlight!_

Zazu: (pushing aside two animals) Not, yet! (is squished between same animals)

Numerous other animals: _Let every creature go for broke and sing!_ (Simba is seen whispering to a hippo, who whispers to a giraffe, who whispers to a monkey as it cups its hand on its ear, then two monkeys grab Zazu while he is dusting himself off and lift him up)

_Let's hear it in the herd and on the wing!_ (crocodiles are seen singing, before opening their mouths at "wing" and revealing eagerly chirping blue birds, then Zazu is seen being tossed upward by monkeys)

_It's gonna be King Simba's finest fling!_ (Simba and Nala are flung into the air repeated by giraffes, then up higher, on the way passing Zazu being groomed against his will by two monkeys, looking very irritable)

Everybody: (a tower of singing animals is seen, first elephants, then hippos, giraffes, anteaters, impala, then an ostrich, on top of which are Simba and Nala) _Oh I just can't wait to be king!_

Everybody: _Oh I just can't wait to be king!_

Everybody: _Oh I just can't waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit-_ (the tower of animals begins to collapse)

_To be kiiiiiiiiiiiiing!_

(the ostrich falls on the anteaters, who try to grab onto the giraffes who get tangled in each other's necks, an impala's horns accidentally stabs an elephant in the hindquarters, and Zazu is seen at the bottom, trying to hold it all up, knees knocking, but can't and the whole thing falls on him;

the music ends, all the other animals run off except for one lone rhino)

Zazu's voice: (muffled) I beg your pardon Madame but, get, off. (calling out) Simba? Nala!

Director: Alright, except for the gorilla in that one scene, (mumbling under breath) I _told_ him they were never in that part of Africa, that was better than expected.

Zazu: (clawing his way from underneath the rhino) Better than expected?!! The entire skyscraper of animals collapsed!

Director: Well…'least there weren't any lawsuits. (a noise is heard, and everybody looks over to see that the rhino Zazu was underneath of, knocked over one of the backgrounds of The Lion King into the set of Pocahontas)

Pocahontas: _Can you paint with all the colors of the wind…_

(everybody directing the Pocahontas set glares at the rhino, as well as the staff of the crew of The Lion King)

Rhino: …Am I fired?


	8. The Comedian's Graveyard

Boy, did this take some time to make. As a hyena fan, I had to make sure this chapter was completely _perfect_. And in order to do that, I had to make up jokes that would make myself laugh as well as the audience. (wipes brow) That takes some thinkin'.

Now that all's been said, read!

* * *

(cut to T in a classroom)

Teacher: Well Tana now that you've completed your assignment I suppose I have nothing left to do but announce the end of the school year.

T: (bored) Really? That's all? Do teachers have no other life outside these walls or do you just curl up under your desks into an opposite form of hibernation?

Teacher: (clears throat) As I was _saying_, if you'll just take a seat I'll dismiss for the season.

T: (sighing derisively) Oh gee, sitting down just so you can tell me to get back up again, how fun. And here I was just getting used to my impossibly written-out schedule.

Nuka: (appearing from out of nowhere, surprising both the teacher and T) Yeah, school's awesome!!! (is mauled by numerous jocks)

Jock: (laughing scornfully) Last game of the season! Ready Nuka?

Nuka: HELP!!!

Jock: Go long! (He and two other jocks throw him across the room to be caught by another group of jocks, who try to run away from the other three but are attacked from behind to the ground by their fellow athletes; as if this is a game of sick football, Nuka is crushed underneath the weight of the whole team, just before getting thrown _hard_ into the garbage can, which is then kicked harshly across the room, Nuka goes flying and lands roughly in the middle of the classroom. The poor teenage lion sighs in agony…before looking up at the sound of the last dismissal bell of the season)

Teacher: Class dismissed.

(Nuka screams in fear as a whole army of kids tramples him on their way out the door)

_A few minutes later…_

(Nuka is seen moaning in half-consciousness and appearing to be slung over someone's shoulder; as he comes to, he raises his head and his eyes enlargen at the site of T)

Nuka: TANA, YOU WAITED UP FOR ME!

T: Nobody else was going to help you.

Nuka: Huh? …Oh. (looks depressed) The whole class left me on the floor again after the jocks were done with me, huh?

T: Uh-huh.

Nuka: (grumbling) Using my meekly body as a giant paper football…

T: (glances down and takes pity on the pathetic lion after seeing his face) …It wasn't _so_ bad. At least this time you only bled from the _out_side.

Nuka: (growls) I mean, I could beat those guys up if I wasn't so skinny and malnourished and sickly and a complete bafflement to all laws of nature seeing as how I _can_ _live_ as a skinny, malnourished, sickly… (trails off in shame, T glances over again to see him hanging his head) I'll stop before I get out the noose again. …Well, at least I have _you_ whenever I need some muscle Tana! (smiles)

T: (sighing) Can I put you down now?

Nuka: Actually I've kinda gotten used to laying like this, it's a little comfortable after you've been in this position for awhile depending on the kind of shoulder you're on and OF _COURSE_ I can get down! (sees the glare on T's face and changes tone, the two continue walking in silence until T speaks up)

T: So this whole "summer vacation" thing, does it mean that any employees at that school have no authority over us now whatsoever?

Nuka: Uh…just off school grounds I guess.

T: (pauses) S'cuse me one second. (she leaves, then is seen through a window behind the teacher, who stares at her) Miss B. Oring, or as I like to call you; Pain-in-my-Rear-math-teacher, do me a favor and _kiss my seat_. (the teacher looks at her shockingly as she leaves the school grounds for good)

Nuka: (sighs dreamily as she comes back) I admire how you can be so brave. I've only seen a female being that brave when mother has to bring in two "special uncles" at once. (T gives him a silent stare) …What?

(cut to view of T and Shenzi in the living room, watching tv, then the view moves upwards until it is above the clouds in the sky, showing a group of lion spirits; their mailbox says "Ahadi's deceased relatives", and their welcome rugs says 'Welcome…unless you're a hyena…or you're the pizza guy and you got our order wrong AGAIN')

Dead Lion #1: Hey, y'know what would be really funny?

Dead Lion #2: We made a Hitler clone last week…

Dead Lion #1: No, I was gonna say we make somebody suffer!

Other lions: (murmured crowd formation) Suffer? Somebody else suffering? Ooh! We enjoy other's pain because it makes us forget our own!

Dead Lion #3: Hey, y'know what would make the suffering even _sweeter_? Let's make it happen to the purest one nearby! That way, others around will start doubting, and ooooh will the Great Kings be angry! **(A/N** I really don't know why I cut upward to view them instead of _down_ward…probably because it'd be a little uncomfortable for some readers) It's worked with the rest of the world, has it not? (the group of lions exchange glances)

Dead Lion #2: Well let's see who's the purest one in the area. (waves his hands and a veil opens at the floor of the cloud, revealing T sitting in the living room; numerous gasps ensue)

Dead Lion #4: The most pure one in this area is a HYENA?!!

Dead Lion #5: I'm 2,000 years old and I still learn something new everyday.

Dead Lion #2: But you just can't remember any of it can you? Like when I keep saying "if you walk off the edge of the cloud, you could cause a disaster for the living"!

Dead Lion #6: Last time he did that, he killed off all the dinosaurs.

Dead Lion #5: I don't see any of YOU owning an authentic Dino plushie! (cuddles a stuffed animal that looks like Dino)

Dead Lion #3: This female was either raised by lions, switched brains with a lion, or ate food _made_ by a lion and now she is slowly turning _into_ one of us!!!

Dead Lion #1: I…don't think that's how it works.

Dead Lion: #3: Oh, then maybe she actually _is _the purest-hearted one nearby.

Dead Lion #1: How 'bout this? We make the little parasite bawl her eyes out. The sorrow being fueled purely by others _suffering_, which as I remember was our intention; the worse the suffering of the world, the harder she'll cry.

Dead Lion #3: It's suffering _because_ of suffering: ingenious!!!!! (the others agree)

Dead Lion #1: Well, let's make it happen! (shoots a ray through the portal in T's direction) Now see for yourselves, the uncensored torment that exists in today's modern world…

_Meanwhile…_

Shenzi: Ya know ya really don't see much of the uncensored torment in today's modern world. …Which reminds me, T you got the security tape of Gituku pullin' off that heist at the bank right? No use cryin' over a lil' blackmail.

(T immediately starts bawling her eyes out terribly; her cries are coming out loudly and her gasps for air hoarse and painful to hear)

Shenzi: Hey, I know it's a TV documentary about the Titanic and the Holocaust, but it's not THAT sad!

* * *

Timon: Y'know what I think is the worst genre of movie ever created?

Pumbaa: Romantic comedy?

Timon: …Ok, the _second_ worst.

Pumbaa: What?

Timon: Documentary!

Pumbaa: You mean like that billion dollar hit Disney just created, starring nothing but our blue planet in all its glory?

Timon: It shows a polar bear _dying_ at the end!

Pumbaa: But the point was to show nature in all its magnificence; untouched by man, the only locations whispered through the grape vines of mother earth-

Timon: Yeah, yeah, yeah, cut the dramatics Hog Hope and help me roll the film.

(the meerkat and warthog set up the projector, and play the film; the numbers roll 3…2…1)

Director: Alright let's get this over with, I gotta pick somebody up from the casino down the block later today.

Timon: Ah casinos, the best place for very elderly people to gamble away their entire back-breaking life savings before their greedy, spoiled rotten, younger relatives can get their mitts on it.

Director: That's ridiculous, they- …wait a minute, (looks frightened) Grandma said she had to go there so much because she volunteered!

Timon: Volunteered to live out what life she has left and leave you with squat.

Director: (looking pale, his tone sounds sickly) …Action…

(Simba and Nala run on screen from behind a rock, laughing)

Simba: Alright, it worked!

Nala: We lost 'em!

Simba: I, am a genesis.

Director: Cut!

Simba: Sorry! Sorry, uh, I have that game at home and I kinda play it a lot.

Director: Yeah whatever, try again!

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 2! (both cubs go back behind the rock, come back laughing and Simba clears his throat as he faces Nala)

Simba: I am a genius.

Nala: (annoyed) Hey genesis it was my idea.

Director: Cut!

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 3! (the two cubs go back behind the rock, but instead of Simba and Nala, a strange-looking animal waddles from behind it)

Director: What the heck are you?!

Sensitive Rhino with Missing Horn and Skin Condition: WHAT THE HECK ARE _YOU_?!

Director: Cut!!!

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 4.

(Simba and Nala run on screen from behind a rock, laughing)

Simba: Alright, it worked!

Nala: We lost 'em!

Simba: I, am a genius. (Nala starts to walk away, but stops, then turns around after his statement)

Nala: (annoyed) Hey genius, it was _my_ idea.

Simba: Yeah, but… Wait a second. (Simba sits down and places a paw to his chin thoughtfully, mumbling to himself)

Director: CUT! (turns to Simba) What's up, kid? Forget your lines?

Simba: No…I just don't get this scene.

Director: What are you talking about?

Simba: Well, remember about a scene ago, when Nala asked me how we'd "ditch the dodo"?

Director: Yeah. What about it?

Simba: Well, after she asked that, I whispered something to her, and she says nothing. (Simba stops talking and looks up at the director. He stares down at him for a moment.)

Director: So what's the problem?

Simba: How can it be her idea if she asked ME what we should do, and _I_ told _her_? She obviously didn't have anything to do with _making_ the plan. And another thing; there's lots of ways to get rid of a bird, and my character comes up with a "Music Number?" That doesn't make any sense!

Director: (quite irritably) …Just say the lines, okay?

Simba: (triumphantly) See? I'm right, and you know it!

Director: Look, we gotta do the scene like this so that Nala can pin you down, and the girls will be happy.

Simba: (completely confused) …Huh?

Director: (sighs) In case you haven't noticed, this movie is kinda dominated by males, what with the whole "kings being more important than queens" thing. Plus, there's not really any strong females. Some feminist group got a hold of the script, and they got all miffed about the fact that males seem to take priority over females. Then they filed a lawsuit, and insisted that this scene be put in. If I change it, I'll go to jail for sexism.

Simba: (groaning and rolling his eyes) I'm getting tired of this. We're only up to the sixth scene, and already we've been accused of doing every single bad thing people can think of! First racism, then breaking copyright laws, then subliminal messages, and now sexism? This is crazy! Why are people looking into this so much? This is just an innocent _children's_ movie! Jeez, these people are insane!

Director: (sighs) Tell me about it. Next take.

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 5!

Simba: Yeah, but _I_ pulled it off.

Nala: With _me_.

Simba: Oh yeah? (pounces on her, both roll once) Ha! Pinned ya!

Director: Kid, you forgetting what I just said?

Simba: (surprised) You mean I gotta make it look like I tried?!

Director: That's right.

Simba: (mumbles) That group just wanna makes me look like a sis-

Nala: Ha! (Nala pins Simba, who looks surprised; she chuckles) Pinned ya.

Director: Not yet Nala!

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take6.

Director: Action!

Simba: Yeah, but _I_ pulled it off.

Nala: With _me_.

Simba: Oh yeah? (pounces on her, both roll once)

Nala: Ha! (Nala pins Simba, who looks surprised; she chuckles) Pinned ya.

Simba: Hey! Lemme up! (Simba pushes Nala off him, who gets off and casually walks away, Simba somewhat gets to his feet, before grinning slyly and _trying_ to pounce on her from behind until she side-steps him and he goes rolling down a hill, she gasps as he falls into a pile of bones…before getting wedged in an eyehole of a small elephant skull, his back-half is shown stuck outside) Lemme out! Lemme out! (he struggles, his back paws pushing against the cranium, until he pops out, falls into _another_ pile of bones, coming out with a skull on his head, a rib cage on his back, and another skull biting down on his tail; the entire crowd laughs and Simba shakes off the bones, frowning)

Director: (notices something while chuckling, then stops laughing) Wait a sec, those ribs looked kinda…_human_?

Banzai: Hey, that _ain't_ my fault! When a guy came up to me and said "catering", I- (Shenzi quickly covers his mouth and snaps at him to shut up)

Director: (looks suspicious) Hmmm…next take I guess.

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 7!

Simba: Hey! Lemme up! (Simba pushes Nala off him, who gets off and casually walks away, Simba somewhat gets to his feet, before grinning slyly and pouncing on her from behind) Rowr!! (they laugh while rolling again, only this time down a spooky-looking drop-off)

Director: (suddenly looking pale) Too far, TOO FAR!! (the cubs don't notice it until it is too late; they disappear amidst a screen of steam, sparks and hot methane, everyone is silent)

Mufasa: (appearing from his dressing room) How goes the scene?

Director: (clearly panicky) FINE! (clears throat) Fine, eh-heh. …And…your son did _not_ just fall into a steaming geyser. Wait, did you see what just happened?

Mufasa: No.

Director: Then your son did _not_ just fall into a steaming geyser.

Simba: Actually, we're stuck in a fissure! …And it's really hot.

Nala: There's smoke coming out of here! How much money did you spend on realistic props?! No wonder our budget's so low!

Mufasa: THEY FELL IN A SMOKING FISSURE?! (the whole studio cowers as Mufasa approaches the director)

Director: N-now, Mufasa, the cubs are in no danger. It's a voice-activated prop and it'll only shoot up lava if I say "fire in the hole"! …Oops. (a large rumbling sound is heard) YOU AND YOUR MATE ARE STILL YOUNG ENOUGH TO HAVE ANOTHER RIGHT?! Y-YOU CAN ALWAYS ADOPT!

Timon: Gangway! (is seen riding on Pumbaa, the warthogs jumps into the fissure and retrieves the cubs approximately one second before the lava explodes)

Director: …It's like those two were _made_ for their part!

Timon: (casually examining his fingers) Eh, we'll accept a payment in dung beetles.

Pumbaa: (standing near the lava blast) Uh, Timon. My stomach feels funny… (everybody screams and vacates the building, before another rumbling sound is heard, and before the director can flee along with everybody else, a wave of flames is shot his way)

_Sometime later…_

Writer: (pushing in the director, whose body is entirely covered in gauze, on a wheelchair) Look on the bright side sir, that's the fastest anybody at the hospital's seen a patient recover from severe burn injuries. (starts to unwrap the gauze)

Director: It's also the fastest I've seen higher studio employees find potential replacements for an "uncaring, temperamental" director. _Do I look uncaring and temperamental to you_?!!? (the writer is silent) …Just get me my ointment and let's get this thing over with! (picks up megaphone) Action!!!

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 8!

Simba: Hey! Lemme up! (Simba pushes Nala off him, who gets off and casually walks away, Simba somewhat gets to his feet, before grinning slyly and pouncing on her from behind) Rowr!! (they laugh while rolling again, only this time down a spooky-looking drop-off; they don't notice where they've ended up until a large geyser goes off nearby, completely clouding the screen; when we see the two cubs again, they are staring mouth-agape at something off screen;

The next shot shows parts of an elephant skull viewed from below a small drop-off; Nala stays where she is for a moment, but Simba smiles faintly excitedly and walks off screen; Nala follows a moment afterward, the two walk up the small hill; the next shots reveals the two cubs walking up to a large elephant skull)

Simba: This is it; we made it.

Nala: This is it? When you said someplace "really cool", I thought the residents here at least cleaned up after themselves. …Is that elephant still dying?

Dying Elephant: Needed…better…wages. (groans in pain) They paid me… to act like I was suffering.

Simba: Oh, so you're just _pretending_ to die for dramatic affect.

Dying Elephant: No, now I'm actually dying due to the heart attack I had (takes in hoarse breath) after seeing my first paycheck. …Disney, pays its employees…so little- (a gunshot is heard before the elephant can say anymore, everybody stares over at the director, who tries to hide the obvious rifle behind his chair)

Director: Y'know what? I don't think we need a dying elephant. Too scary for the kids. Now, back to work!

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 9!

(the two climb until they reach the top of the hill, then peek over one of the dead elephant's massive tusks)

Simba and Nala: (glancing at each other) Whoa… (zooming in on a large section of the Elephant Graveyard)

Nala: (off screen) It's really creepy. (cut back to cubs)

Simba: Yeah, isn't it great?

Scar: Pardon, director?

Director: (irritably) WHAT Scar?

Scar: I'm beginning to think this film crew might be sexist after all.

Director: You'll say anything to get a bigger paycheck. Now what kind of person does anything for money? I think it rhymes with "more".

Banzai: (cackling) I think it rhymes with "Zira".

Scar: Then care to explain to me why you cut back to the cubs only when _Simba_ started talking, after Nala spoke before him?

Director: …You're just trying to get sweet on Sarafina.

Scar: (offended) How preposterous! I would never-!

Simba: Hey! I just figured out the word that rhymes with "more"! It's-! (Mufasa quickly covers his son's mouth)

Mufasa: A word we DON'T use.

Director: Next take please!

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 10! …Hey, you said "please this" time!

Nala: Now THAT'S really creepy!

Everybody: Yeah, isn't it great?

Director: CUT!!!!

Stagehand: (clicks marker) Take 10!

Nala: (chuckling slightly) We could get in big trouble!

Simba: I know! (laughs as well, both cubs climb off the tusk, and make their way to the Elephant's mouth)

Nala: I wonder if its brains are still in there…

Simba: There's only one way to know. (throws a rock at skull, it makes a hollow sound) Nope, no brains in there.

Director: Cut!

Simba: What'd I do wrong now?

Director: You're supposed to try and walk _in_ there!

Simba: But why the heck would we just go into some dark scary place we can't even see in?!

Director: Because it builds up suspense, then everybody gets a jump when Zazu appears out of nowhere right after you say your line.

Nala: So, Zazu stops us before we can go in there?

Director: That's right.

Nala: (sighing in relief) Ok.

Director: You don't think we'd really make a movie where two cubs get eaten do ya? Next take!

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 11!

Nala: (chuckling slightly) We could get in big trouble!

Simba: I know! (laughs as well, both cubs climb off the tusk, and make their way to the Elephant's mouth)

Nala: I wonder if its brains are still in there…

Simba: There's only one way to know. (walks toward the skull) C'mon, let's go check it out. (the cubs walk toward the skull…and get closer…and closer…and closer)

Director: (whispering through his teeth to the writer) Where the heck _is_ that bird-brain?!

Writer: I dunno, but he better show up soon! We couldn't decide whether or not the cubs should go in the skull in this scene, so we could only come to a compromise.

Director: …I'm afraid to ask…what _kind_ of compromise?

Writer: If the bird doesn't show up on cue…this movie could get a higher rating than G…

Zazu: (suddenly rushes in) Sorry I'm late, I was polishing my bill a bit.

Director: Well no wonder banana-beak took so long. (pauses for a minute, then turns to the writer) Hey, put that in somewhere.

Zazu: (scowling) May I be informed if I missed anything?

Director: Oh, right. …Hmm, there was _something_, and it was really important. Um, it was either a life-or-death situation or a chance that we could get sued.

Writer: (glancing at the cubs going into the elephant skull) …Or both.

Director and Writer: (seeing them disappear into the darkness) Uh-oh.

Shenzi: (heard from the inside of the skull) Look boys, a king fit for a meal! (hyena laughter is heard as the two cubs scream in fear)

Director and Writer: GET ANIMAL CONTROL!!!

_One near-death experience later…_

Director: (sighs) Great, now we gotta pay for that blonde cub's therapy.

Writer: It could be worse sir. You could have been in that skull when the bird didn't go on cue.

Director: Yeah, good thing I shoved you in there, the kids say you made an excellent shield against those hungry hyenas. (the writer says nothing and just limps after the director as he takes his seat) Action!!

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 12!

Nala: I wonder if its brains are still in there…

Simba: There's only one way to know. (walks toward the skull) C'mon, let's go check it out.

Zazu: (suddenly flying up out of nowhere, and cutting off Simba's path) WRONG! (starts to shoo the cubs away from the skull and speaks in a stern voice) The only "checking out" _you_ will do will be to check out of here!

Simba: (groans) Aw man!

Zazu: (looking worried) We're WAY beyond the boundary of the Pridelands!

Simba: (jeering) Heh, look, Banana Beak is scared. (glances at director) Hey, that was the only good line you came up with! …What? I meant it in a good way.

Writer: We can cut that part out sir.

Director: Whatever.

Zazu: (jabbing Simba's nose with his index feather) It's MISTER Banana Beak to you, fuzzy! (glances back at the Elephant Skull again, looking just as anxious as before, while he is distracted, Simba sneaks behind him as he looks back in the cubs' direction) And right now, we are ALL, in _very real danger_. (scowls at Simba as he sees the future king cockily approaching the elephant skull)

Simba: Danger? Ha. I walk on the wild side… (looks back as soon as he reaches the entrance of the elephant's skull) I _laugh_ in the face of danger. (throws head back and laughs) Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (suddenly heart-stopping laughter is heard and Simba is seen squealing like a little girl and runs behind Sarabi's leg) Mommy!

Director: And he says the feminist group makes him look like a sissy…

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 13!

Writer: 13 is an unlucky number sir, I think we'd better expect the worst…

Director: You're just being superstitious.

Simba: Danger? Ha. I walk on the- (suddenly thunder is heard)

Writer: Toldja…

Director: What now? (lightning strikes the elephant skull, which bursts into flames, Shenzi, Banzai and Ed are heard screaming) GET A HOSE!!! (the trio try to run out, Banzai and Ed get through but a chunk of the roof falls on Shenzi)

Banzai: (looking back) I'll save you Shen-! (another chunk of the roof falls on him as he runs toward her)

Shenzi: (cynical) My hero. (a few stage crew members rush over and douse the fire with a large hose, Ed comes over and helps lift the bones off his friends)

Director: THIS IS HORRIBLE!

Shenzi: (dusting herself off) We could be better, but-

Director: IMAGINE HOW MUCH IT WILL COST TO REPLACE THAT BADBOY! WE'LL BE BROKE! (Shenzi scowls)

Banzai: What? You really thought he was gonna say something sympathetic?

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 14!

Director: (turns to writer) Is there anything that says something's bad about the number 14? HMMMM?

Simba: Danger? Ha. I walk on the wild side… (looks back as soon as he reaches the entrance of the elephant's skull) I _laugh_ in the face of danger. (throws head back and laughs) Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(suddenly heart-stopping laughter is heard and Simba is seen gasping, he quickly joins Nala behind Zazu; the next shot views Shenzi, Banzai and Ed emerging from the skull; Shenzi from the mouth, and Banzai and Ed from each of the eyes, all three keep laughing as they approach; Simba and Nala look terrified as Zazu gasps while trying to shield the cubs with his wings)

Shenzi: (looking behind her for a moment) Well, well, well Banzai what have we got here? (Banzai walks on screen after her)

Banzai: (pretending to be in thought) Hmmmm, I dunno Shenzi uh, (looks back) whadda you think, Ed? (a wacky-looking hyena comes on camera, licks his lips, and immediately bites down on Zazu)

Director: CUT!! (Zazu is heard screaming for help in Ed's mouth, the hyena spits him out, before saying something in gibberish to the director) …Somebody's gonna have to translate that for me because Jim Cumming's isn't due here for another 2 hours!

Banzai: He said he did it because that's what he was thinking.

Director: (fuming) Not. Literally.

Shenzi: Just cool off, it won't happen again. (explains things to Ed while the stage crew cleans up Zazu and places him back where he was)

Stagehand: (clicks marker) The Elephant Graveyard, take 15!

Director: ACTION!

Shenzi: (looking behind her for a moment) Well, well, well Banzai what have we got here? (Banzai walks on screen after her)

Banzai: (pretending to be in thought) Hmmmm, I dunno Shenzi uh, (looks back) whadda you think, Ed? (a wacky-looking hyena just laughs in reply as he gets in the camera shot, then all three are shown menacingly yet eerily comically, continuing to stalk towards the cubs and hornbill) Yeah, just what I was thinkin', (the trio stop after they reach Simba, Nala and Zazu) a trio of trespassers!!

Zazu: (trying to keep his cool and distract the hyenas while Simba and Nala quietly try to escape) And _quite_ by accident, let me assure you! (starts to turn around) A simple navigational error, (laughs nervously, but before he can go far Shenzi steps on his tail to halt him)

Shenzi: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, _wait, wait, wait_. I know you; you're Mufasa's little _stooge_.

Zazu: (huffing) _I_ madam am the king's majordomo!

Shenzi: (laughs) Oh? Is that supposed to be threatening? Are we supposed to be scared now?

Zazu: Well, (gulps) I'm only trying to protect the children.

Shenzi: (scoffs) There's only one lower member of the foodchain _we're_ scared of.

Banzai: Yeah, and he ain't here!

Writer: (suddenly running in the studio) EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY! THE HEAD OF THE DISNEY CORPORATION IS HERE! (Shenzi, Banzai, Ed and other villains from other movies in the studio such as Pocahontas, Hercules, Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Mulan all scream and flee or hide in terror; Radcliffe shrieks like a girl and hides behind Higgins; Hades turns into a small insect next to Pain and Panic, who have turned into worms)

Hades: Ya call yourselves worms? If I had a dog, his _stomach_ would have more believable parasites! (Frolo grabs a crucifix and a large tub of holy water and retreats to…a dirty magazine outlet; Shan Yu and all his Huns trample everything in sight as they pour out of the studio, including a poor innocent red dragon, two stage hands walk up to help it)

Stagehand: They crushed the poor lizard…

Mushu: (gasping for breath) It's dragon you minimum wage morons. (everybody takes note of the destruction caused by all the bad guys in every movie in the studio fleeing)

Director: …That was odd.

One of the stagehands: Yeah who could be big enough to scare every single villain off every set in this studio? (suddenly a familiar-looking figure's shadow appears on the floor, everybody freezes; the figure, who has strangely round ears, walks up to the middle of the studio)

Director: U-um! W-welcome Mr. Mouse, so nice to see you!

Mr. Mouse: Yeah, and it's even better to see no villains here. Gosh, do I get the willies when I think of all those villains!

Timon: (mumbling to Pumbaa) Judging by what we just saw I get the feeling is mutual.

Mr. Mouse: What was that?

Timon: N-nothing!

Mr. Mouse: Oh, (laughs) I thought you were making a joke to your friend the pig there. I sure do love jokes!

Pumbaa: (irritated) …Pig?

Timon: (putting a hand in front of him) Let it go, buddy. Trust me.

Mr. Mouse: (turns to director) So, I trust everything is being taken well care of?

Director: Oh absolutely! I-in fact-! (Mr. Mouse cuts him off)

Mr. Mouse: Y'know, back at Disney headquarters, there's nothing we love more than hearing about what a good job we're doing and what a horrible job our rivals are-uh! Uh, I mean (clears throat), everybody looks like they're doing a swell job! (laughs again)

Director: (fakes laughter) Eh-heh-heh-heh (looks toward the cast) If you value your lives, you, will, _laugh_. (everybody quickly starts to laugh along with Mr. Mouse, however, the humor is cut short when a closet door swings open; three certain hyenas fall out of the closet door, cry out in fear, then dart back inside; there is an uncomfortable pause) M-M-Mr. Mouse, I can explain…

Mr. Mouse: Oh, there's no need to. Disney's always made it clear that since villains are almost always subliminally portrayed as minorities or foreigners, or both, they are therefore not worthy to even glance upon us in person unless in dire emergencies. So unless this is a do-or-die situation-

Director: Mr. Mouse, if I may interject? (Mr. Mouse swings open the closet door and three raggedy janitors pop out)

Mr. Mouse: Who're you three?

Janitors: We're the clean-up crew.

Mr. Mouse: Huh, that's funny, I could've sworn I saw some villains here.

Janitor #1: Uh, nope, no villains here.

Mr. Mouse: Interesting…(yanks a hat off one of the janitors) A-ha! (what was beneath the hat is revealed to be…none other than a semi-old man's head)

Janitor #1: Um, sir, if you don't mind, that hat keeps my bald spot warm…

Mr. Mouse: Oh…(turns to janitor beside him) Well, who're _you_?! (yanks the second janitor's hat off, only to reveal another semi-old man's head)

Janitor #2: I take care of the drops of blood on the set-uh, I mean the paint spills!!

Mr. Mouse: (sighs) So I guess you're just another janitor too huh? (the third janitor nods without saying a word) Well that's good to know. …'Course I don't take any _chances_! (whips off the third janitors hat, and everybody gasps)

Janitor #3: (covering his face in shame) I know, it's horrible! But the doc said adult acne was perfectly normal! (weeps and runs off)

Mr. Mouse: Huh, I guess there weren't any villains here after all…well, I'll let you two other clear-skinned janitors get back to work. Oh, and, take that cart of dirty laundry out.

Janitors 1 and 2: Cart of dirty laundry? (everybody looks over to see a metal cart with large white sheets stuffed inside)

Janitor #2: We were never asked for any cart.

Mr. Mouse: And I don't recall supplying this studio with white sheets…especially ones that tremble when I get close to them! (pushes cart over and Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed fall out)

Shenzi: (pauses) Oh…_here's_ my contact lens, boys!! (all three smile and try to make a run for it, but Mr. Mouse snaps his fingers and two mean-looking bulldog Disney officers show up and catch them) No, don't-!! (the first bodyguard cackles and looks at her creepily)

Body guard #1: To me, "no" means "yes".

Shenzi: (disgusted) Then what does "yes" mean?

Body guard #2: "Yes" means you're drunk. (both anthro bulldogs laugh, while Banzai growls at the one holding Shenzi)

Mr. Mouse: You all know the rules: (gets out a large book entitled "Laws of the Disney Corporation" with a smaller title underneath it that says "Laws that even the federal government can't overturn!" with another title under that saying "To all our Hispanic workers: ¡Los baños son para empleados exclusivamente!") Article Q subsection B4: Since villains are almost always subliminally portrayed as minorities and/or foreigners, they are therefore not worthy to even glance upon the higher staff in person unless in dire emergencies. And since you three represent poor ghetto minorities, you have broken this code!

Director: Um, M-Mr. Mouse?

Mr. Mouse: SILENCE! (everybody runs away)

Timon: EVIL MOUSE! EVIL MOUSE!!!

Director: Mr. Mouse, please! A word!

Mr. Mouse: Make it quick.

Director: This may be hard to believe but…the villains do actually have fans.

Mr. Mouse: That's absurd.

Director: No! It's, it's…it's a sign of how _brilliant_ the Disney company is and how far it's come!

Mr. Mouse: You're speaking nonsense.

Director: It's true! We…_You've_ become so great at making movies, that every single character is beloved! Even the villains! You can't deny some people liked your friend's greedy uncle…who was he named after again? A character in Darles Chickens?

Writer: Charles Dickens.

Director: Whatever, point is: why not show off the villains as well? We're already at the top as it is!

Mr. Mouse: Hmmm, you may have a point there director. (thinks a moment, then turns to Disney security) Release them. (the two drop the trio to the floor, then Mr. Mouse turns to the crowd) Ok, new plan! Disney will now be putting the market on some forms of villainous actions!

Timon: (mumbling to Zazu this time) Like that's changing anything. (Zazu nods)

Mr. Mouse: What was that again?

Timon: Oh! Um, just telling jokes again. (clears throat and turns to Zazu) Hey banana beak, ever hear why the hornbill crossed the savannah?

Zazu: That joke is highly offensive!

Mr. Mouse: It is? … (turns to the 2 guards he brought with him) Put it in a movie and subliminally film it! (turns to the director) Well, it was nice seein' ya, well not really, but I've got a partnership to make final.

Director: I thought Pixar was your partner?

Mr. Mouse: It is, but they don't know we're two-timing them with Amblimation.

Stagehand #1: (in the background, whispering to another stagehand) Amblimation? Aren't they that company that made Balto?

Stagehand #2: _Were_ that company; went out of business not long afterward.

Stagehand #1: So aren't they a little…out of their league compared to Disney?

Stagehand #2: Have you seen their stock lately? With the best they come up with being the Jonas Brothers, I think Disney needs all the help they can get. (two more people suddenly appear through the door, revealed to be a man and woman in suits)

Man in suit: Excuse me, is this one of the Disney studios?

Writer: Oh thank heavens, Dreamworks!! (everybody cheers)

Man: Um, yes, we're looking for a Mr. Mouse?

Mr. Mouse: Not again Dreamworks! You've been trying to hurt this company for too long!

Woman: We know about your little deal with Amblimation and we're going to tell Pixar!!

Mr. Mouse: You wouldn't dare!

Man: We would.

Woman: We're on our way to tell them right now. We're going to save them before you can get your filthy corporate hands on them!

Director: So why'd you stop here?

Woman: Well we saw a Disney company car outside so we figured we might as well play fair, unlike them, and warn them about their soon-to-be loss of a partnership. …Plus our helicopter pilot needed some coffee, do you have any left?

Simba: (quickly turning his head at the mention of "coffee") Coffee?!

All the lion characters: NO! (all pin him down)

Writer: Coffee's in the back.

Mr. Mouse: You'll never get to Amblimation!

Man: Please, we'll take time for a coffee break and _still_ beat you guys there.

Mr. Mouse: Not if I can do anything about it! (clears throat) Well? Let's move! (Mr. Mouse and the two guards leave, as they do, Mr. Mouse asks one of them to hand him his cell phone) Hey, hand me my cell phone, wouldja? (he takes his phone, dials a number, and listens)

Duck's voice: Hello?

Mr. Mouse: I'm on my way to the deal!!

Duck's voice: Oh boy! (a strange laughter is heard over the phone)

Voice over the phone: Great job! A-hyuck! (the duck is heard throwing a tantrum over the phone as Mr. Mouse leaves)

Man: And uh, don't worry. We won't be a nuisance, just go on back to filming.

Woman: Ooh! I've seen promising trailers for this movie!

Director: So…(pauses) …back to work, everyone.

Stagehand: (a bit shakily) Next take! (claps marker)

Zazu: (huffing) _I_ madam am the king's majordomo!

(she merely scowls at him, the next shot shows Banzai and Ed circling Simba and Nala, seeing as how the cubs tried to escape; Nala tries to make a break for it, but Ed sneers at her and she backs away)

Banzai: (looks at Simba in particular) And that would make _you…_?

Simba: (firmly) The future king. (Shenzi pushes Zazu into the middle along with the cubs and merges in the circle with Banzai and Ed)

Shenzi: Do you know what we do to kings who step-?

Scar: I saw that Banzai.

Banzai: (growling) No you didn't!

Scar: (sneering) Oh, but I _did_.

Shenzi and the Director: Saw what?

Scar: (looking at the male hyena) Wouldn't want a sexual harassment lawsuit on us, would we now?

Banzai: (nervously chuckling) I dunno what the heck he's talkin' about! (Ed starts snickering in a naughty tone; Banzai quickly whips his head in his direction) Shut up!

Zazu: (tsk-tsking) Why must we be forced to work _blue_?

Timon: Look who's talkin'.

Shenzi: (scarily) Somebody bettah tell me what's goin' on!!

Zazu and Timon: DON'T EAT ME!!

Sarafina: (rolls eyes) Oh for Pete's sake! If nobody's going to say it, I will! (Banzai looks nervously from side-to-side, Sarafina looks at Shenzi) Your male co-star-

Banzai: (suddenly shouting to Sarafina) SCAR PEEPS AT YOU WHILE YOU'RE IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM!

Sarafina: (appalled) What?!

Shenzi: (weirded-out) Wha?

Scar: (snarling at Banzai) You little… (Banzai merely smirks, Scar barely has enough time to get out of the way and run for his life as Sarafina roars and chases after him; Banzai cackles smugly)

Director: (sighs) Oh well, we didn't need him for this shot anyway. Could've gone worse.

Timon: (casually) Yeah, and the kids didn't even notice that the talking guy hyena took a good look at the girl hyena's backside. (there is a long pause…)

_Somewhere in the back parking lot…_

(Banzai's voice is heard in a dark room)

Banzai: Ow! (Banzai opens his eyes, which illuminate whatever he's in, appearing to be a garbage dumpster, he looks over to see Scar) Hey, get your own hideout!

Scar: Swallow a rusted tin-lid you little cur! If it weren't for your trashy ways, we wouldn't be in this mess!

Banzai: I'M trashy?! You hid in this dumpster! …First!!

(suddenly the dumpster becomes brighter, and it is because the lid is being lifted…by an angry Shenzi and Sarafina)

Scar and Banzai: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! AND IT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE; WHAT MALE _WOULDN'T_ LOOK?! (painful roars and howls are heard)

_Sometime later…_

Director: I'm only gonna say this once–we only do subliminal messaging if it's ok with Disney. Got it? Next take!

Shenzi: Do you know what we do to kings who step out of their kingdom?

Simba: No, what?

Banzai: You've heard of the birdie boiler in this scene, right?

Simba and Nala: Yeah.

Shenzi: Right next to that is something we like to call…(grins wickedly) the cubby-cooker.

Zazu: NOOOOO! (looks at director just as Banzai starts to carry him off, Shenzi and Ed get the cubs) CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING?!

Director: (looking up) Shhhhh!!! I am in the middle of a very important phone call. (talks into cell phone in his hand) I'll have one large pizza, extra olives, and for _heaven's_ sake no mushrooms. They give me a very sensitive rash in…places. Thanks. (hangs up) Now, what did that bird want?

Writer: …Let's put it this way sir, if you don't stop those hyenas in about 2 minutes, we're having fried hornbill for lunch.

Mufasa: (laughs) My favorite! (everybody stares) …Well, they'll be other majordomos. And hornbill is a delicacy in many kingdoms. (bell is heard)

Random stagehand: What kind of studio has a doorbell?

Director: My pizza! (walks happily to the door) Thank you. …A tip? What am I _made_ of money? (shuts door)

Rafiki: Are you not going to share?

Director: (scowls) I thought you guys were having fried hornbill.

Zazu's voice from afar: HELP!!!

Simba and Nala: MOM!!!

_Sometime after Zazu, Simba and Nala were treated for burn injuries, S, B n' E had to settle for imported peacock, and the director finished his pizza…_

Director: (licking fingers) Action!

Shenzi: Do you know what we do to kings who step out of their kingdom?

Simba: (tilts head) Get paid to clean our houses while we're gone? (the trio, Zazu, and everybody else stare)

Simba: You guys represent minorities, right? I see a lot of you working in people's homes where I live.

Nala: Yeah, me too. I even saw a brown skinned lady giving the director coffee between breaks. He said, (thinks for a moment) "they're the cheapest labor since Polynesian sweatsho-" (is cut off as the rest of the hyenas that are to be shown in later scenes of the movie trail the now screaming director out of the studio)

Zazu: Really now, by the time we finish _this_ scene they'll be enough outtake reels to construct a life-size replica of the biggest villain in Disney history… (Scar proudly grins and examines his claws but grits his teeth when he hears Zazu say) Michael Eisner.

Director: (stumbles into the studio, clothes torn, hair a mess, and is using a crutch to help him walk, just before collapsing into the chair with a heave) Continue…

Timon: Hey uh, megaphone man?

Director: (exhausted) _What_?

Timon: How many teeth did you have before-

Director: CONTINUE!!!

Simba: (scoffs) Puh! You can't do anything to me.

Shenzi: …Ok seriously, what's with the 'puh'? You swallow a bug or something?

Simba: (blinks) …Actually, yeah.

Nala: Eww! (Zazu cringes)

Simba: Uck! Get it out! (wipes tongue with paws)

Director: Get the kid some water!

Simba: (with tongue out) Nun-carboonatud!

Director: What?

Nala: He said "non-carbonated".

Timon: Wait, wait wait, what kinda kid is picky about _water_? You guys are just expectin' 'im to adapt quickly to a remote oasis?

Director: (looks to see if Simba isn't looking, then tells Timon) Actually we just give ''im whatever we have and tell 'em it's what he asked for. He never knows the difference between non-carbonated water and the cup that catches the drops from the leaky sink in the bathroom.

Zazu: Isn't that a bit unsanitary?

Director: YOU'RE a bit unsanitary!!

Timon and Zazu: Wha?

Writer: Sorry, must've been those extra olives on the pizza.

Rafiki: Olives? Dose weren't olives on de pizza. Rafiki picked dem all off to put on his own topping!

Writer: Which was?

Rafiki: Mushrooms. (everybody stares at him) …What? (looks surprised) WHOEVAH IS TELLING YOU DESE LIES ABOUT ME DEY HAVE SAND SAUSAGE FOR BRAINS!!

Simba and Nala: Ewwwww!!

Director: We already _did_ the "ew" scene kids, NEXT TAKE!

Simba: Wait, where's my water? (stagehand gives him water bottle, the cub takes a few sips) It tastes kinda funny…

Director: The more rusty it tastes the more…_better_ for you it is. Action!!

Simba: (scoffs) Puh! You can't do anything to me.

Zazu: (laughing nervously again) Eh-heh-heh, technically they _can_. We _are_ on their land.

Simba: But Zazu, you told me they're nothing but slobbering, mangy, stupid poachers.

Shenzi: He told you _what_?

Zazu: E-er, Simba, how could you say that?! I most certainly do _not_ think of them as slobbering, mangy, stupid- (the trio growls) A-actually, some of my best…_acquaintances_ are vultures who pick off whatever meat there is in this place.

Shenzi: Name one. (Zazu is silent)

Director: NEXT. TAKE.

Simba: But Zazu, you told me they're nothing but slobbering, mangy, stupid poachers.

Zazu: (murmuring) Ix-nay on the upid-stay.

Banzai: (suddenly appearing out of nowhere) WHO YOU CALLIN' "UPID-STA-"? (he comes at them too strongly and accidentally knocks the three offset) …What'd I do?

(cut to Simba, Nala and Zazu lodged in one of the geysers)

Zazu: Oh well, don't be alarmed; it's just a prop.

Director: Actually… (a rumbling sound emits from the cubs and the hornbill)

Zazu: Oh dear…

_I don't think it needs to be said at this point…_

Vet: The ointment should heal the burns just fine. But no exposure to open flames because it's flammable.

Director: …Wha?

Vet: (she hands him a piece of paper) Your bill. (she leaves)

Writer: (points to bill) Aren't you gonna look at that?

Director: Nope. Into the trash it goes. (throws it over his shoulder into the "straight to video inspiration" bin, picks up megaphone and yells) Action!!

Banzai: (suddenly appearing out of nowhere) WHO YOU CALLIN' "UPID- (cries out in pain as he grabs his face) What the heck are those?! (shoves over one of the three, who are actually stone look-alikes)

Director: We had to use props until the actual actors recovered. And for all we know that could take days, weeks, months-

Simba and Nala: (suddenly appearing) We're better!!

Zazu: (grinning) And so is my "accident coverage"! (Banzai grumbles under his breath as he strokes his face, the director sighs)

Director: As you were.

Zazu: (murmuring) Ix-nay on the upid-stay. (Banzai refuses to move)

Director: Aw c'mon Banzai. Just because you got a couple boo-boo's so far in this movie, it shouldn't affect your acting. Besides you're destined for MUCH worse endeavors than- …Uh, do the next take and hyenas get first dibs on lunch break.

Banzai: (suddenly appearing out of nowhere and frightening the three away) WHO YOU CALLIN' "UPID-STAY"?

Zazu: My, my, my, (glances up) oh look at the sun! It's time to go! (he and the cubs try to run, but Shenzi cuts in front of them)

Shenzi: What's the hurry? (Zazu, Simba and Nala are forced to move back as she walks close) We'd LOOOVE you to stick around for dinner! (glances up as Banzai speaks)

Banzai: Yeah. (appears on screen) We'll… (looks at director) do I really gotta say it?

Director: Yes! It's part of your line!

Banzai: (bluntly) The line stinks. (the director looks as if he's about to say something, until Shenzi intervenes)

Shenzi: I gotta agree with 'im on this. _My _next line ain't so hot either.

Director: C'mon! They're hilarious!

Banzai: (half-closing his eyes in boredom) We'll be havin' cub-bobs tonight.

Shenzi: (raising a skeptical brow) A feline feast.

Director: I SPENT A FORTUNE PAYING THE WRITERS TO COME UP WITH THOSE JOKES!

Shenzi: In case you ain't noticed honey, we're hyenas. We don't _need_ writahs to make jokes.

Director: Fine, let's see you two do any better! (the trio exchange glances) Cue scary music and next take!

Shenzi: What's the hurry? (Zazu, Simba and Nala are forced to move back as she walks close) We'd LOOOVE you to stick around for dinner! (glances up as Banzai speaks)

Banzai: Yeah. (appears on screen) We could have whatever's (pretends to be in thought again) …_lion around!_ (everyone in the studio bursts into laughter, including the trio, the director glares at them)

Director: Fine, we'll put that in. (looks at Shenzi) Anything _you'd _like to add Miss Comedy-Queen?

Shenzi: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I got one, I got one!! Make mine, a _cub_ sandwhich, whad'ja think? (now everybody is _rolling_ in laughter, the director is fuming)

Director: Those writers are so fired…

Writer: Um, I'm an exception aren't I sir?

Director: How much do you take out of our budget? (the writer pauses and whispers a number into the director's ear) THAT'S TWICE THE AMOUNT DISNEY PAYS ITS MIDDLE-CLASS WORKERS!!! ...Somebody say "action" before I give up on the entire budget. And by "the entire budget" I mean "all hope".

Stagehands: ACTION!

Shenzi: What's the hurry? (Zazu, Simba and Nala are forced to move back as she walks close) We'd LOOOVE you to stick around for dinner! (glances up as Banzai speaks)

Banzai: Yeah. (appears on screen) We could have whatever's (pretends to be in thought again) …_lion around!_ (burst out into laughter, along with the other two)

Shenzi: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I got one, I got one!! Make mine, a _cub_ sandwhich, whad'ja think? (laughs with Banzai, until Ed suddenly pops up beside her, looking anxious about something) What Ed? What is it?

Director: (chuckles and whispers to the writer) They complained about the jokes in this scene too.

Writer: What were they?

Director: "Did we order fast food?" "No." "Well that food sure is fast!" There's no way they can come up with better-!

Banzai: (looking in the direction Ed is pointing in) Hey, did we order this dinner to go?

Shenzi: No, why? (view of Simba, Nala and Zazu making a break for it)

Banzai: 'Cause THERE IT GOES!!! (the director pauses, then rips up the script and chew the remains in anger, the writer takes a few awkward steps back from him…

cut to Simba and Nala running through the graveyard, Zazu follows suite, but suddenly cries out as he is jerked by the tail…all of his tail feathers are plucked out)

Zazu: (falls to the ground) ARRRRRRRRGH!!!

Banzai: (looks at his pawful of feathers) …My bad.

Director: (calling to Zazu) Don't worry, we'll have that fixed in no time! (looks over to maintenance crew) HEY BOYS, YOU GOT A HOT GLUE GUN?!

_A few minutes later…_

(cut to Simba and Nala running through the graveyard, Zazu follows suite, but suddenly cries out as he is jerked by the tail off screen; Simba and Nala stop after running past some more bones, and look back)

Nala: Did we lose 'em?

Simba: I think so. (looks around) …W-where's Zazu?

(cut to Zazu trying to fly away from something, for some reason he appears to be red now, but upon looking lower, it is because of a red-colored water geyser, which is illuminating the whole area; Shenzi and Ed are snickering at each other and watching as Banzai holds him over the geyser as if playing a game)

Director: Alright, now remember Banzai; just a little cynical story before you dunk him into the geyser.

Zazu: All this steam and whatnot, just special affects correct?

Director: …Ok.

Banzai: (clears throat) Once there was a little majordodo who wasn't watching where he was going and he ran into a bunch of-

Director: Too long!

Banzai: (tries again) A little majordodo head was flying along when suddenly-

Director: Still too long!

Banzai: (getting a little irritated) The dodo bird got caught by hyenas and eaten.

Director: Too short, and not descriptive enough.

Banzai: SO HOW CAN YOU MAKE IT BETTER?! YOU CAN'T WRITE JOKES WORTH A-!!

Director: How 'bout you just do a quick summary of the end, since everybody knows how he got here in the first place.

Banzai: (growling) How's _this_? (holds Zazu over the geyser and waddles him like a puppet) So the little majordomo bird hippety-hopped all the way to the _birdie boiler_… (smirks and jams Zazu into the mouth of the geyser)

Director: Perfect.

Shenzi: Good, 'cause it's about to go off.

Zazu: (as it rumbles, the hyenas look on excitedly) Oh no; not the birdie boil-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (is shot off by the explosion; the trio are seen laughing hysterically)

Simba: (offscreen) Hey! (the hyenas look up to see Simba and Nala glaring at them) Why don't you pick on somebody your _own_ size?

Shenzi: (smirking) Like, _you_?

Simba: (losing his luster) Oops. (both cubs scream as they try to escape…only to get bitten…badly)

Shenzi, Banzai (and Ed): (with clearly bloody teeth) …Oops.

Mufasa, Sarabi, Sarafina, and the Director: CALL THE VET!!!

Banzai: (licking teeth) Can we get some floss too?

Sarafina: DON'T swallow! My baby's organs could be between your teeth!

_After a quick visit from the vet…_

Director: Feeling better?

Simba and Nala: (irritably) No.

Director: Well…all you have to do is run anyway. Action! (both cubs groan as they walk back)

Zazu: Believe you me children, this won't end well for any of us. (is shot off birdie boiler again)

Simba: (sighs, before saying his lines) Hey! (the hyenas look up to see Simba and Nala glaring at them) Why don't you pick on somebody your _own_ size?

Shenzi: (smirking) Like, _you_?

Simba: (losing his luster) Oops. (both cubs scream as they narrowly miss a snap from a pair of jaws, they try to run again, but their path is cut off by the hyena trio)

Shenzi, Banzai and Ed: (suddenly appearing in the steam of a methane vent) BOO! (Simba and Nala gasp as they laugh, before lunging at them again; the cubs divert it just in time and run once more; Shenzi snarls and tries to snap at Simba, but the cubs manage to just be fast enough to outrun her, and for Nala to avoid a snap from Banzai; then the cubs slide down a ribcage, by Simba's stammering, you can tell it is bumpy; the two fly out into the air at the end of the ride… then land skidding across the buffet table, and out the window straight into the dumpster/straight to video deleted scenes bin, a garbage truck is seen lifting the dumpster up)

Director: …We need to get stunt doubles. (runs outside and shouts to the truck driver) Hey! Hey, wait!

_After being brought back to the studio…_

Stagehand: The Elephant Graveyard, take 33! (claps marker)

(the cubs slide down a ribcage, by Simba's stammering, you can tell it is bumpy; the two fly out into the air at the end of the spine, then land in a pile of bones and immediately run up the steep hill; the hyenas are hot on their tails; only a second after Simba makes it, he hears a cry from below)

Nala: Simba! (Simba glances behind him and gasps when he sees Nala rapidly falling down the wall of bones, clinging for life. Meanwhile, Shenzi, Banzai and Ed are climbing up after them; Ed is in the lead, with Shenzi behind and Banzai trailing last. But suddenly, Ed loses his footing for a moment, causing himself to bump into Shenzi; he quickly regains his balance while she continues to fall…and then bump into Banzai. The two tumble down the pile together until they land on the ground; Shenzi on top of Banzai. Offstage laughter is heard. Ed can also be seen laughing, ferociously; he begins gesturing with his paws)

Ed: (in a musical-like tone) Eh-hee, ger-rif, hah-ha, la-loo?

Director: What is he doing?

Writer: Translator! (we see Jim Cummings nearby, who begins translating the hyena's language)

Jim Cummings: "And can, you feel, the love, tonight?"

Shenzi and Banzai: SHUT UP ED!!

Writer: To be fair, _Jim_ was the one who was talking.

Director: (trying to stifle a laugh) How 'bout we just let her fall to you guys?

Stagehand: Next take! (claps marker)

Nala: (off screen) Simba! (Simba glances behind him and gasps when he sees Nala rapidly falling down the wall of bones, clinging for life and straight towards the mouth of a hungry Shenzi) Ahhh!! (Simba bravely runs back down to save her)

Zazu: Excuse me? (everybody looks up at him) Isn't this scene a bit illogical?

Director: (sighing) What do you mean?

Zazu: How could it be possible for Simba to keep his footing and go DOWNWARD, while Nala, who could easily pounce him, couldn't even make it upward?

Feminine voice from out of nowhere: EXACTLY! (everyone looks over to see a large group of women barge into the studio)

Lead woman: We've got a problem with you, woman-basher!

Director: (groans) Aw no, the feminists.

Simba: THOSE are the girls that wanna make me look like a sissy?

Lead woman: You've gone too far with your chauvinistic practices in this movie!

Director: Wha?

Another woman: We're gonna sue the _pants_ off of you!

Director: I understood _that_.

A third woman: Of course you did, it had the word "pants off".

Director: Sure you're not all just having mood-swings?

Whole feminist crowd: I KNOW MY BODY!

Director: (sighing) Y'know, I bet that was a _much_ less unpleasant phrase before women got ahold of it.

Every male cast member and worker: No argument here man. (all the women in the studio glare)

Director: You've got no case! Security! (the security guards escort the feminist group out)

Lead woman: This isn't the end of it! We'll come ba-! (door slams on them)

Director: Next take!

(Simba glances behind him and gasps when he sees Nala rapidly falling down the wall of bones, clinging for life and straight towards the mouth of a hungry Shenzi) Ahhh!! (Simba bravely runs back down to save her, and gets there just in time before Shenzi can chomp down on his friend; he claws her jaw harshly)

Shenzi: AHHHHHHHH! THAT KID JUST CUT MY (bleeping sound) EYE!!!

Director: NO CURSING! THIS IS A CHILDREN'S MOVIE!! (Banzai and Ed tilt their heads in her direction to get a better look of her face)

Banzai: That actually looks kinda (same bleeping sound) nasty…

Director: (sighs) Vet!!

_A few minutes later_…

Director: There, good as new. (view of Shenzi with an eye patch)

Banzai: (whispers to her when the director leaves) Here's what we do; we make a secret word that'll signal everybody to make cutlets outta him. How 'bout "Cyclops"?

Shenzi: Cyclops?

Banzai: What? They're big, they're scary, they have one eye.

Shenzi: You sayin' I'm big?

Banzai: …Big is good! Big says "healthy". (Shenzi starts to walk away, he shouts after) Big says…turn on!!

Director: Alright, this scene is almost over so let's try to make this quick but NOT sloppy! (the make-up team finishes on Shenzi) Lights! Camera! ACTION! (Shenzi recoils from the blow, before furiously growling and turning back toward the cubs' direction, the director shudders) I can't tell if she's acting or if we've gotta get animal control in here again for that cub's sake.

(Simba and Nala meanwhile try to scale a steep cliff by climbing on some elephant bones, the skin on them holds them up)

Nala: We can't climb up!

Simba: (looks down) Yeah, but neither can they. (smirks) Ha! Looks like you won't be having any cub sandwiches today!

Shenzi: (looks at director) They gotta come down from there sometime, don't they?

Director: Hold on, I'll fix that. (pushes button, the rib cage opens up a trap door, through which the cubs fall) Now redo the scene, only this time somebody soak those skins in water or something to make 'em more fragile. ACTION!

(the cubs try to scale a steep cliff by climbing on the elephant bones again, but the old skin on them gives way; the two fall to the ground and glance up then gasp as they realize that they are in a dead-end with the three hyenas closing in)

Banzai: Here kitty, kitty, kitty… (Simba tries to look brave and attempts to roar)

Director: Nothin' special kid, they're gonna make fun 'a ya anyway.

Simba: (takes a deep breath…and sounds like a dying frog) Rrrrawr, rrrrawr, rrrrawr!

Shenzi: Oh! That was it?! (laughs as her two friends snicker, then all three move in) Do it again, c'mon. (Simba falters for a moment, before roaring his hardest, which proves to be successful as a large roar rings out)

Shenzi, Banzai and Ed: (faltering) …HOLY (bleeping sound), WHAT THE (another bleeping sound) WAS THAT?!

Director: What did I say about cursing?!!

Banzai: How's he doin' that?!

Director: It's sound affects, we push a button and a speaker emits a roar.

Stagehand: Uh, actually sir, the speaker wasn't on… (the director stares, then glances at Simba)

Director: Holy (bleeping sound).

Simba: (rubs neck) My throat hurts.

Director: GET THIS KID SOME RUSTY TAP WATER!

Simba: Huh?

Director: Uh, I mean, DO NOT GET THIS KID SOME RUSTY TAP WATER!

Writer: (hands the director a paper) Um, excuse me sir, this is our water bill… (the director stares at it for a few moments, then hands the writer a bucket)

Director: Here, go put this under the gutter pipe, when the kid's thirsty we'll give 'im that. (looks at cast) NOW TRY IT AGAIN.

Shenzi: Oh! That was it?! (laughs as her two friends snicker, then all three move in) Do it again, c'mon. (Simba falters for a moment, before roaring his hardest, which proves to be successful as a large roar rings out)

Shenzi, Banzai and Ed: (flabbergasted) Huh? (the trio are suddenly swiped away by a gigantic paw, however Mufasa swipes them too hard and sends the trio straight through the wall)

Director: Ok, ok, walk it off you three.

Timon: Walk it off?! Geez! Hey buddy, look, I know they're hyenas, but even _you_ can't be that harsh!

Director: What? It's just a papier-mâché painted wall.

Writer: A-actually sir-

Director: Don't tell me…

Writer: The background painters liked your idea of re-using aged concrete for the scenery, so they got lots of construction companies to donate their old-

Director: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. …Wait a sec, how could he knock them all through solid concrete?!

Scar: Why do you think I'm at the shallow-end of the gene pool when it comes to brute strength? (there is a pause)

Timon: …Ouch.

Simba: Are they still alive?

Director: (sighing) Get the vet…AGAIN.

_A few hours of what was sure to be expensive medical treatment later…_

Director: Alright Mufasa, nice and easy this time. (Mufasa nods, the trio cringe away and brace themselves) Ah, ah, ah! Shenzi, Banzai, Ed, no flinching. (the trio roll their eyes and try to look normal) And…action! (Simba falters for a moment, before opening his mouth as a large roar rings out)

Shenzi, Banzai and Ed: (flabbergasted) Huh? (a paw _does_ try to smack the trio but…it's merely a pat to the head for Banzai who would be the first to hit)

Director: Not THAT easy, Mufasa!

Mufasa: I don't always know my own strength!

Rafiki: It's true; every time we hug, I need expensive chiropractic medicahl attenchan.

Director: Just…pretend like you're swiping tableware off a surface, or slapping your old high school rival at a reunion because 30 years ago he pants-ed you right in front of the whole cheerleading squad!! (everybody stares) JUST DO THE SCENE!!!

(Simba falters for a moment, before opening his mouth as a large roar rings out)

Shenzi, Banzai and Ed: (flabbergasted) Huh? (a familiar two-voiced cry rings out through the studio, and suddenly the trio are knocked aside by Timon riding on Pumbaa)

Director: …You GOTTA be kidding me!

Timon: (laughing) I always wanted to do that!

Shenzi: CALL MY LAWYER!

Director: You're lawyer's on a 12-hour lunch break. (sighs) One more time people!

(Simba falters for a moment, before opening his mouth as a large roar rings out)

Shenzi, Banzai and Ed: (flabbergasted) Huh?

(the trio are suddenly swiped away by a gigantic paw; the one who struck them is revealed to be none other than Mufasa, who begins violently fighting with the hyenas; Zazu flies up and appears, which explains without saying how Mufasa knew where to find the cubs, and once again lands in front of the cubs as a shield; finally, Mufasa forces all three hyenas back-to-back on the ground, Banzai cries out in pain while Shenzi begs for their lives)

Shenzi: (smiling nervously) No, no, please, please, uncle, uncle!

Mufasa: (roaring) Silence!

Banzai: Hey c'mon, we're gonna shut up right now!

Shenzi: Calm down, we're really sorry.

Mufasa: If you _ever_ come near my son again…I'll-!! (the following scene is suddenly cut out by a censor block on the film, courtesy of T & P; this time it is a picture of the scene where Simba is dangling from Priderock, with the words "Hang in there, baby!" below, this is shown for about one minute, until the scene cuts back; everybody, the director, the cubs, Zazu, and _especially_ the trio are all appalled or horrified)

Director: …WHAT WAS _THAT_?!

Mufasa: It was in the script.

Director: I never put down anything like that! (Zazu pulls out a copy of his script and reads it for a few minutes)

Zazu: I think you'd better look at this. (hands director script, after looking at it, the director is shocked)

Director: WHO WROTE THIS?! (pauses, before fuming) …SCAR!!! (everyone looks around, but the antagonistic lion is nowhere to be seen, but after the film cuts to a view of the copy room, it shows Scar patiently waiting by the machine, numerous print-outs can already be seen)

Scar: (grinning as it finishes) This should add some taste to that painfully mind-numbing film.

Director: SCAR!!!

Scar: (whirls around in surprise) Why director, aren't you supposed to be keeping a watchful eye out for potential opportunities to lessen your budget cuts? I think all of us have suffered enough because of that warthog ever since you decided deodorizing products were obsolete.

Director: What is _this_?! (gets out script)

Scar: What is what?

Director: I didn't write this line!

Scar: (sighing) The cast wrote more lines that you and your writers have in one take-

Director: THIS! THE ONE WHERE MUFASA SUPPOSEDLY DESCRIBES HOW HE WILL MUTILATE THE HYENA TRIO IF THEY EVEN (reads script) "COME WITHIN 200 FEET OF HIS SON". MUFASA IS SUCH A BRILLIANT ACTOR, _MUCH_ BETTER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE, THAT THOSE THREE ACTUALLY TOOK HIM SERIOUSLY AND HAVE NOW BARRICADED THEMSELVES IN THEIR DRESSING ROOMS! HALF MY STAGE CREW IS AFRAID TO DO THEIR JOB AND RAM THEMSELVES AGAINST THE DOORFRAME TO GET THEM OUT, AND IT'S ALL **YOUR FAULT**! …AND NOW I NEED A REFILL ON MY HEART MEDICATION!

Scar: Oh you always throw a fit whenever someone upstages your work, I witnessed those witty banters Shenzi, Banzai and Edward came up with; in one blink of a second they manage to make those hundreds of dollars paid to those writers who took months to come up with, look like comical nightmares.

Director: (steamed) You, fix, this, _now_…

Scar: Or you what? (the director swiftly turns and leaves, Scar grins…until soon Pumbaa is thrown into the room)

Director: (heard from outside) That warthog was just fed 5 gallons of pure, refried beans! If you don't cooperate, we lock you in there, and it's only a matter of time before you pass out from…noxious fumes.

Scar: (rolling his eyes) Is this _really_ the best you can do? I could easily cut his jugular open and the threat would be easily abolished.

Timon: (heard from outside as well) WRONG, bucko! One of the first things people do when they die is void their-!! …Well, let's just say your nose would hate you more. (Scar's countenance wavers as Pumbaa puts a hoof to his stomach, which can be clearly heard grumbling)

Director: So, mister script editor, what'll it be?

_A few minutes later…_

(Scar can be seen in the backdrop, scowling as he finishes correcting another script…then throws it over his shoulder and picks up the next one in a large pile of the flawed ones he created)

Director: (looks at Banzai) Hey, you! (Banzai glances over at him) You speak Spanish right?

Banzai: Who wants to know?

Director: I need you to tell those immigrant workers back there they can stop worrying about that lion and they'll be no more mistakes from now on! …Otherwise, they'll demand a raise from me. (Banzai glances over at the small group of Hispanic employees, then slowly grins mischievously and turns back to the director)

Banzai: No problema, hombre.

Director: Whatever, just get back in a jiff so we can finish the scene. (both walk off, Banzai goes up to the immigrant workers and begins speaking in their tongue)

Banzai: (clears throat) Amigos. (the crowd looks at him) El hombre con las venas pulsantes dice que los problemas son todo por un leon de melena negra y el de melena roja solo sigue enfadandose más con el por eso. Solo puede haber un chance de que ellos pronto se quiebren en violencia. (everybody looks concerned) No se preocupen amigos, sus miedos seran dómados si cada una de ustedes demanda más dinero del hombre. Resistan rápidamente, y el se réndira. (smiles and heads back to the set, before looking back one more time and saying) Oh, y por cierto, el director tambien dice que el preferiría una cucharada de sal en vez de azúcar en su café, y el tambien quiero que todos sus trabajadores se tomen 6 días de la semana. (goes back to the set)

Director: (sees him coming back) Did you tell them?

Banzai: I told 'em exactly what they needed to do. (cackles evilly as he takes his place on set, the director gives him a funny look, shrugs, then gets out the megaphone) ACTION!

Shenzi: Oh this is, this is _your_ son?

Banzai: Oh _yours_? (both try to laugh)

Shenzi: (looking over at Banzai) Did you know that?

Banzai: Me? I didn't know. No! (looking directly at her) Did you?

Shenzi: (looking at Mufasa) No, of course not!

Banzai: No! (both look over at Ed)

Shenzi and Banzai: Ed? (Ed smiles and rattles his head up and down in a nod; Mufasa is shown roaring furiously in response; next shot shows Shenzi and Ed clinging to each other as Banzai shields himself)

Banzai: (peeking from over his forepaws) Eh-heh…toodles! (the three speed off in a cloud of dust, yelping is heard as they are seen fleeing around a corner; Zazu flies up to his king once they are gone and proudly nods…but cringes when Mufasa gives him a stern look; Simba and Nala approach from behind)

Simba: Dad, I-

Mufasa: You deliberately disobeyed me.

Simba: Dad, I'm…I'm sorry-

Mufasa: (firmly) Let's go home. (Zazu flies behind him and sadly glances back at the cubs)

Nala: (whispering to Simba) I thought you just faired deranged.

Director: CUT! (looks at Nala) What was _that_?!

Nala: That's what the script says! …Right?

Director: No! You're supposed to say (gets out script) "I thought you were very brave". Who told you- …SCAR!!

Scar: Well, he had to've been a bit off in the head to search for fun in the Elephant Graveyard, much less bring a friend.

Director: Y'know who else is a bit "off in the head"?

Scar: (smirking) Glad to see you're coming to terms with yourself.

Director: (red in the face) If I AM crazy after we finish this, it'll be YOUR fault.

Scar: I've lived with worse.

Director: You won't live with ANYTHING once I sue you for attempted homicide!

Scar: You can't prove anything; I wasn't going to put that cyanide in your coffee until next week. And I wasn't even going to ask Shenzi, Banzai and Edward to cover for me until the day before.

Director: Let me put this in terms you can understand, here to help me is Mr. Jeremy Irons. (Jeremy Irons steps into the studio; Scar appears surprised at first, then calms down)

Scar: Well, I commend you for at least using a translator with an IQ higher than 12.

Jeremy Irons: Scar, (coughs a bit) suppose you keep muddling with the script; (coughs again) yes the director would be completely daft and then some, and you'd still get that handsome paycheck. But the phrase "too much of a good thing" was made for good cause. You see (coughs), you see (coughs again, and clears throat), what I mean to say is- (doubles over in a coughing fit)

Director: (sighs) Afraid Jim Cummings will have to take it from here, man that Jeremy smokes a lot…

Jim Cummings: The more you mess up the script, the more you have to work with these people, whom you hate.

Banzai: Hey, isn't this what happens in the "Be Prepared" scene-

Director: ILLEGAL MEXICANS SAY NOTHING!

Banzai: You can't do nothin' to me; my mom came here legally!

Director: (takes out a wad of money) See this? When the IRS does, they'll KNOW we've been using cheap immigrant workers.

Shenzi: So wouldn't that land _you_ in the joint too?

Director: …Half of it is bribery; to take him away and to _not_ put us in jail.

Simba: How'd you get so much money anyway? I thought you said your salary from those budget cuts couldn't buy you dinner from a place as cheap as (an immediate block is put up on the screen at the drive-in, courtesy of T&P, it says "the following word is copyrighted and is therefore blocked; instead enjoy this picture of a baby hippo balancing plates on a pelican in mid-flight", and a picture of a baby hippo balancing plates on a pelican in mid-flight is shown). Or a joint about as sanitary as a rhino's backside, like (this time the words say "enjoy this picture of the American Eagle saluting atop the Empire State Building with King Kong in an Uncle Sam outfit giving a thumbs up", and a picture of the American Eagle saluting atop the Empire State Building with King Kong in an Uncle Sam outfit giving a thumbs up is shown). Or a place that'll take _anybody's_ money, like (a picture of a fat kid in a sailor suit on a swing tied to a now half-broken tree limb is shown)

Director: STOP NAMING RESTAURANTS!!! And anyway if you're wondering how I got the money I did _not_ steal it from the jar in Scar's dressing room that said "Nephew's death funds". Now let's just finish this take!!!

Mufasa: (firmly) Let's go home. (Zazu flies behind him and sadly glances back at the cubs)

Nala: (whispering to Simba) I thought you were very brave.

(as the three leave, they don't notice a certain lion, Scar, glaring at them all)

Pumbaa: Ooh, that's a spooky way to end a scene!

Scar: (getting down from cliff) You're too kind…

Director: (clears throat) Everyone, I have an announcement to make. No Simba it's not another coffee break! (Simba, who once looked like he was going to ask something, looks disappointed) But it DOES benefit the studio! And by "studio" I mean "me".

Shenzi: You got spray-on hair to cover up that thinnin' spot?

Director: I have bought the ultimate killing machine.

Everybody: …Wha?

Director: That's right; an animal so fierce, so vicious, the name I gave it _had_ to fit it ferociousness.

Writer: (uneasy) I'm afraid to ask…

Director: My little pet's name is… (a stagehand walks a komodo dragon on the set, everybody gasps in fear, Zazu faints) MITTENS!! (an awkward silence ensues)

Timon: You get a monstrous komodo dragon, and you name him _mittens_?

Director: Dragon? (looks over) Oh! No, no that's not mittens. _That's_ mittens! (points to a cute orange-striped kitten sitting on a stool)

Several stagehands: Awwww…

Director: Now nobody do anymore of this funny business or Mittens will attack!!

Everybody: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Banzai: (cackles) Either you're kiddin' or you dipped into the monkey's stash during lunch.

Director: (unfazed) Oh _mittens_? (snaps fingers; the kitten lets out a yowl as his fur stands on end and his eyes bulge out creepily as he attacks everything in sight; many people scream and run while Mittens scratches up the set, one unfortunate worker crosses paths with the kitten and is pounced upon)

Unfortunate worker: NO! NO! MY SPLEEN IS SUPPOSED TO STAY ON THE _INSIDE_ OF ME!

Random stagehand: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S _MITTENS_! (two Japanese guys appear out of nowhere and point to the cat, their words don't match their mouth shapes)

Japanese guy #1: Kitzilla is attacking!

Japanese guy #2: We must seek refuge in Tokyo!

Japanese guy #1: We can't, the nearest company location is Disneyland in Paris!

* * *

(cut to T and Shenzi on a street corner)

T: Shenzi, mind if I ask you something?

Shenzi: (not really interested) What?

T: Why all the flirtation with Banzai when you were younger but no relationship when you guys are older? (Shenzi's eyes widen)

Shenzi: Because I was young n' stupid and I didn't know what I was doin' through _any_ of it! Not the "eating at the same table", not the whole thing bahfore the "Be Prepared" scene, not the half hour in that broom closet-

T: Half hour in what now?

Shenzi: Uh…_so_, whaddya gonna do now that ya finally free?

T: Free?

Shenzi: Summer vacation.

T: Oh! Well-

Voice from out of nowhere: SKINNY-GUY FOOTBALL! (T and Shenzi barely have enough time to glance in the voice's director, before seeing Nuka hurtling toward them in the air, Shenzi ducks out of the way in time but T…is not so fortunate)

_Sometime later…_

(cut to T in a hospital bed)

T: (groaning as she regains consciousness) What happened?

Shenzi: Boys, she's awake! (T opens her eyes all the way to see Shenzi on a chair beside her bed, and Banzai and Ed now looking away from the TV attached near the ceiling of her room)

T: Awake? How long have I been asleep? (the trio laugh)

Shenzi: Honey you been out cold for 2 ½ months. Some brain-dead jocks was usin' Nuka as a football again, and he and you made a head-on collision.

T: 2 ½ months? …You mean?

Banzai: (cackling) That's right, school starts in 3 weeks! Enjoy it T!

Voice from beside T: Hey Tanaaaaaaaaaa! (T blinks, before looking at a big curtain on the other side of her bed, she pushes it aside, and her eyes enlarge with horror)

Nuka: (also in a hospital bed) We're gonna be roommates until recovery's over! Just in time to get back to school! (T starts sobbing loudly, Nuka looks up at the TV) Oh yeah, I never did like that El Salvador and genocide in Sudan documentary either. (looks at the trio while T continues to bawl) How'd you guys pass the time while we were both half-dead?

Shenzi: Movies, mostly the TLK trilogy. How many "yo momma" jokes have you heard?

Nuka: (pessimistic) All of 'em.

Shenzi: (grins) I doubt it. Did you know your momma was SO ugly, they cast Zira in the straight-to-video sequel because they thought she was the meerkat's UNCLE?

Nuka: You got that off the "Who Wants to be King of the Jungle" game on the 1 ½ DVD!

Banzai: (playing the game on the 1 ½ DVD) …WHO PUT ED ON HERE AS A LIFELINE?!

Nuka: (looks at T) Boy she sure has energy when it comes to crying.

Banzai: Eh, she's just low on morphine. (turns her IV knob, T's expression falters, before she drops back out of consciousness) There we go!

* * *

As for the crack about Zira, I really didn't just make that up. It's true! Go on the 1 ½ Lion King DVD, and play "Who Wants to be King of the Jungle?" They'll ask a question about Zira, ("Who is Zira?") one of the choices was "Timon's uncle"! But Ed being one of the lifelines was just for fun.

Btw, here are the Spanish scenes completely translated to English:

¡Los baños son para empleados exclusivamente! means "The bathrooms are for employees only"

And,

"Banzai: The man with the pulsing vein says the problems are all because of the dark- maned lion, and the red-maned one only keeps getting angrier at him for it. There may be a chance that they could soon break out in violence. (the crowd looks concerned) Worry not amigos, your fears will be tamed if every one of you demands a raise from the man. Hold fast, and he will surrender. (smiles and heads back to the set, before looking back one more time and saying) Oh, and by the way, the director also says that he would prefer a tablespoon of salt instead of sugar in his coffee, and he also wants all his workers to take a 6-day weekend. (goes back to the set)"


	9. Ooooh, Simba's in troubllllle

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope your eyes will feast on this story as much as you will this holiday.

* * *

(cut to a hospital room with two beds, in one T, the other Nuka; T is groaning from her injuries. Nuka doesn't seem to notice as he turns on a smutty MTV show)

Rap Star: _You_ [bleeping sound]_ thang,_

_LOVE to watch you _[bleeping sound]

_My eyes on your _[bleeping sound]

_My hand up yo' shirt_

T: (gritting her teeth) Are there any lines they don't bleep? (she starts pressing the pillow against her ears) Nuka, could you keep that lower, please!

Nuka: (not hearing her over the music) THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT! I DON'T USUALLY WATCH MTV BECAUSE OF ALL THE REALITY SHOWS, BUT WHEN I SAW AN ACTUAL MUSIC VIDEO, I TURNED IT UP JUST FOR YOU!

T: Well turn it back down!

Nuka: YOU WANNA GET DOWN? …I'M FLATTERED BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD REST AND GET YOUR STRENGTH BACK. HERE, I'LL TURN THE VOLUME AT MAX! (pushes remote button, green volume icon bars fill the entire lower half of the TV, before blinking off)

T: (irate with pain, she bolts upright, throwing off her pillow) TURN, THAT, **DOWN**!!! (Nuka freezes, and slowly feels for the remote, he turns off the TV when he finds it. There is an uncomfortable pause, as T composes herself; she takes a deep breath) Look, I'm real happy you're almost out of the hospital-

Nuka: Living with an abusive parent can make you a fast healer.

T: But _I've_ still got two more weeks left. So until you leave this evening, would you mind keeping the volume low please?

Nuka: Why didn't ya just ask? (T rolls her eyes and groans, Nuka, oblivious, turns down the audio) Y'know mother's not supposed to check me out for another 2 hours; I've still got that DVD of the Lion King 2 (voice tone becomes influential) and it's got a ton of bonus features…

T: No thank you Nuka, we looked at all the bonus features already…three times. (lays her head on the pillow and exhales softly)

Nuka: Oh. Well…(quickly leans over the side of his bed, obviously digging around for something, until he brings out a board with red and black squares) wanna play another round 'a checkers?

T: (visibly tired) We did that 4 times yesterday.

Nuka: (pauses, then digs around a second time before obtaining two plastic containers, decorated in navy-like stickers that are starting to peel off) How 'bout battleship?

T: (eyes closing) 8 times that evening.

Nuka: (digs around again and reveals a DVD of the Lion King 2) Timon and Pumbaa's virtual safari? I know how we did that until the wee hours of the night last night, but _this_ time'll be completely different! Like remember when you picked a turn it was always right then left? And the next time it was left then right? Well maybe you could try going left, left, right, left, right, left, right, right, or maybe right, left, right, right, left, right, right, left, right, left, left, right-

T: (abruptly turning over) NUKA!!! (He cringes in fear as she glowers at him; a silent moment passes, before T eventually turns away, laying back in her original position, and trying to get some sleep)

Nuka: (this time reaching over to the table beside his bed, then showing her a deck of cards) …Go fish?

T: (near growling) We did that the whole weekend.

Nuka: Oh but there's _tons_ of card games besides go fish: BS, war, old maid, strip poker-

T: (sitting up again, this time in bafflement) What!?

Nuka: …Old maid? (a nurse suddenly pokes her head in)

Nurse: Visitor for a Miss T?

T: (sighing) Who is it? (Gituku pokes his head in)

Gituku: It's the big bad wolf, let me in. (T quickly smiles and is about to motion him to enter, before acknowledging Nuka)

T: Uh, you don't mind if he-

Nuka: Oh no no no; I'm obviously boring you, the least I can do is let you have some new company. I'll just be (lays down on hospital bed and turns away) lying here… alone…sleeping on a pillow soaked with my own te-

Gituku: We get it. (slides curtain between T and Nuka's beds shut, Nuka huffs and yanks the blankets to his chin)

T: What're you doing here?

Gituku: When ya disappeared for two an' a half months I started askin' around, found out you were in this dump.

T: I can't imagine you convincing Shenzi, Banzai or Ed to let you in here, especially Banzai!

Gituku: Pffft, yeah right. I stole 'is wallet during our last scrape, flashed the nurse his license and told 'em _I_ was Banzai.

T: Isn't that against the law?

Gituku: Point? (glances at Nuka's silhouette on the bed through the curtain) He been any trouble?

T: No more than usual. (sighing) I'll admit, I _was_ a little…ok, A LOT, upset, when I found out I missed darn near the whole summer because of a coma. But, sharing a room with, (pauses as she glances at Nuka's silhouette) him…it's just that things could be less bad if he wasn't so…

Gituku: Stalkerish? (Unbeknownst to either of them, Nuka is hearing everything they say; he scowls to himself at Gituku's insult but keeps still to retain the illusion that he is sleeping)

T: (chuckles) A little hard to call it stalking when we share the same room, isn't it? (leans her head on her hand, elbow propped on the table next to her hospital bed) …Actually, this is probably the best summer he's had: away from an abusive mother, being fed three times a day everyday. He's gained 15 pounds! Looks a lot healthier than he did before the summer. (pauses again) …And in two hours it'll be all over for him; I kinda feel sorry for the guy. (Nuka bites his lip to fight back a squeal of enjoyment)

Gituku: (clears throat unexpectedly) Think he's the only guy you know who went without food for _days_? He lives in a sleazy motel—I lived in a crap-shack. He gets hit by his mom—I had to put up with her plus a dad. Sounds like he's got it a lot easier than me. (Nuka glances to the floor in thought, and shrugs lightly)

T: Well, if you turned out like _this_, imagine how good _his_ adult life will be!

Gituku: …Whaddya mean, "like this"?

T: (naively) Y'know; tall, strong, street-smart, nobody messes with you, with the exception of Banzai.

Gituku: (cackling) Yeah, but he's an idiot.

T: (raises an eyebrow) Keep in mind he's not going to be clueless about the location of his wallet forever Gituku. (Nuka snickers at the thought of Banzai beating Gituku senseless)

Gituku: Eh, I spent all the cash that was in there anyway. No skin off my neck if I hand it back. (notices T fidgeting) What's up with you?

T: (reaching into her bedspread) Something's poking me in the back. (reaches under the blankets to see what could be prodding her…only to pick up a pair of scissors, some bits of black hair on the blade; she and Gituku stare)

Gituku: Back off Amy Fischer…

T: (blows bangs from her eyes, mumbling to herself) Just two more hours T…

Gituku: (leaning back in chair) Not the way I see it.

T: Whaddya mean?

Gituku: Well, when he goes back to that motel and 'is mom, being the awesome provider she is, beats 'em up and stops feeding him, who do you think he'll turn to? (cackles) I can see it now, him sneakin' out, walkin' to your place, climbing that tree next to your house, scooting out on the branch near your window just to watch you in your bedroom.

T: …I think you're blowing things a little out of proportion. Besides, Shenzi made Banzai saw that limb off a month ago; it always scraped against the glass pane in stormy weather—Ed was too scared to sleep at night, and Banzai was complaining about Shenzi having him cradle him- …I'm gonna stop now.

Gituku: …_I'm_ gonna remember that. (starts to lean back again, before T suddenly grabs ahold of his shirt)

T: Hold on a sec. (at first he is surprised, before she points to the floor) those belong to the hospital; wouldn't want to break 'em. (reaches down to the games she and Nuka played, and gets one of the battle ship cases…before it opens and a plastic bag falls out…a plastic bag with a lock of dark hair inside, T's mouth drops open)

Gituku: (smirking) Just as I thought. (To remind them he's still asleep, Nuka abruptly makes snoring noises. T picks up the bag) What's the label say?

T: (tries to make out the scratchy handwriting) To…remember…the best…summer…ever. (appears sickened)

Gituku: (laughing) Toldja! The guy's a scrawny, clingy pain in the neck! (while he's almost falling out of his chair, T stares at the lock of her mane inside the bag, until quietly speaking)

T: …And I probably know that more than anyone. (Unknown to T or Gituku, Nuka bites his lower lip to hold back a sob, and shoves his face into his pillow)

Gituku: (starts to die down, wiping his eye) Eh, phew, heh…(takes a deep breath) so…only two weeks until parole ends for you huh?

T: Yup.

Gituku: Heh, me too. (rubs his neck awkwardly, T tilts her head)

T: Why do males always do that?

Gituku: Do what?

T: Rub your necks when you're nervous—every time.

Gituku: No we don't.

T: Yes you do; you just do it so often you don't notice. (starts to regain her usual tenor and grins impishly) Tell ya what—when I get outta here, the next time I see you do it I'll remind you.

Gituku: Aren't we Little Miss Thoughtful? (a male nurse pokes his head in)

Nurse: Excuse me sir, visiting hours are over. (Gituku takes out a familiar-looking wallet from his pocket, opens it up and hands over a few paper bills)

Gituku: You were saying?

T: Hey, you said you spent all his money.

Nurse: (glances up after a pause) …You really expect me to take 20 bucks as bribe? I'm a medical professional.

Gituku: You're a _dude_ who calls 'imself a nurse. (in a mocking tone) Even if ya don't use it as bribe you can probably do something else with it that'll compensate for your lack of testosterone: like buying a sub down the block to fill that gaping hole where your masculine dignity used to be. (the nurse looks like he is about to explode)

Nurse: I may be a nurse, and my career may forbid me from causing anyone serious injury, (grabs Gituku by the shirt collar) but I'mma BREAK YOUR NECK if you don't get outta here in 5 minutes! (suddenly the radio on his waist beeps, a voice with a static background speaks up)

Voice on radio: Nurse? (he sighs, taking the radio with one hand but keeping Gituku in the other)

Nurse: Yes?

Voice on radio: You're still in room 103 correct?

Nurse: For the moment.

Voice on radio: Could you inform patient Nuka that his mother is here to check him out?

Nurse: Got it. (Puts away radio casually, before grabbing onto Gituku with both hands once more, glowering as the cocky hyena merely smirks in his face. Eventually he sighs in defeat and releases him, approaching Nuka's side of the room) Son, your mother's here.

T: (gets up) I'll get 'im. (begins to walk toward his bed, just before the curtain unexpectedly flashes open; backing in surprise, T sees Nuka fully clothed, with a suitcase in hand)

Nuka: (tone is abnormally firm) I'm ready. (Exits with nurse, ignoring both T and Gituku as he leaves. Both hyenas exchange glances, before he shrugs and she climbs back into bed)

Nurse: (heard from outside) I said visiting hours are OVER! (T jumps but Gituku merely laughs again)

T: (lightly) You better go…

Gituku: Yeah, I guess I should before my ex drug dealers find my house and hold Bujune for ransom. (her eyes widen, making him laugh once more; he begins to leave, just before glancing back at her suggestively) Oh, by the way. (she looks back curiously) They still ain't perfected those hospital gowns. (T immediately flushes and yanks the blankets over herself, hearing him snicker as he exits the room)

_Two weeks later…_

(Banzai and Ed open the door to their house for Shenzi, who's pushing T inside on a wheelchair)

Shenzi: Home sweet home. (dumps T onto the floor with a shove) The guy I nabbed this wheelchair from had a broken hip when I left 'im. I should probably give it back so he can get out of that 4-way intersection. (closes the door behind her, T gets to her feet, before hearing a knock at the door five minutes later, she opens it to see Gituku)

Gituku: Saw Shenzi take the wheelchair and could only figure out one chick who'd need it.

Banzai: Hey scum-bag! (Gituku glances up indifferently) THIS is for swipin' my wallet! (grabs a lamp and hurls it at Gituku, he ducks out of the way in time)

Gituku: Someone's in a bad mood, (grins) either that or you're on the rag. (grabs a nearby vase and throws it as well, Banzai ducks and it shatters against the wall)

Banzai: HEY! You know how much that thing cost me!? (grins) That's what some old guy said while I was robbing his house, _right_ before I killed 'im. (Ed runs to help Banzai, before slipping on a floor rug and colliding with him from the back; the two skid across the room, hit their heads the wall, woozily try to get up, only to have a bust of a dying lion drop on their heads and break into pieces. The two trip over the shards and into the fireplace, where the bust was sitting atop of, screaming in pain as they try to put out the flames, only to skid on the rug in the living room, hitting their heads on the wood floor, knocking them out)

Gituku: …They'll walk it off. N' at least you brought all those bandages from the hospital. (T quickly runs to get a pitcher of water to put their clothes out, which were still aflame when they fell unconscious. Gituku stares at the floor in thought, before appearing as if he is about to speak; he raises his hand up)

T: (catching him) There goes the hand! (Gituku realizes what he's doing, and quickly shoves his hand into his pocket)

Gituku: (sarcastic) Thanks. (almost serious) So listen, I only came over 'cause I didn't have anything better to do. And…I was wantin' to ask you…

T: Yes?

Gituku: (glances to see if Banzai and Ed are still unconscious, before turning to her again) Doin' anything Saturday?

T: (confused) Uh… (suddenly realizes what he meant, as is stunned) Oh. …Well, I don't think so-

Gituku: (grins) I'll steal ya at 6. (leaves the living room; T stares after him, dumbfounded)

T: …Ok. (A long pause follows, so awkward that T doesn't notice Shenzi returning home five minutes after Gituku leaves) Well, this…wasn't what I expected on my first day back to school. (immediately freezes, and after realizing she came back, quickly turns to Shenzi) Shenzi, what time is it?

Shenzi: 7: 50.

T: OH MY GOSH!! I'M LATE!!! (starts running through the house) MY FIRST DAY BACK AND I'M LATE! I GOTTA PUT GEL IN MY NOTEBOOKS AND LABEL MY MANE!!

Shenzi: Uh, I think you meant…eh, she'll figure it out. (calls after her as she runs out the door) Watch out for the traffic accident in that 4-way intersection!!

* * *

_At the drive-in…_

(Timon is seen adjusting the lock of Zazu and Gopher's cage—a lobster trap)

Timon: That oughtta do it.

Zazu: You rapscallion! King Simba will hear of this!! I'll see to it once I get out of here that you _wish_ you were back in that jail cell!!

Gopher: Very good, sir.

Pumbaa: (uneasily) Timon-

Timon: DON'T bother! I know what you're going to say: you're going to go into a rant about how what I'm doing is morally wrong and humiliating to those being portrayed in this outtake reel, correct? You're also going to preach about me keeping banana beak and his mole buddy in a lobster trap!

Zazu: Which reminds me—how on Earth did you find a lobster trap in an abandoned drive-in?

Timon: It was left over from the opening night of "Jaws", now pipe down before that British accent rusts the wire anymore!

Pumbaa: (just as uneasy) Timon?

Timon: Pumbaa, we've barely started the movie; if there was any real problem we'd have angry actors breaking down the surrounding perimeter right about now. And the major-dodo and guinea pig are nice and secure so they can't rat us out. Stop worrying already!

Pumbaa: Actually I was going to give you a message you got while in the bathroom. (looks at a cell phone) Your mother called, she sent you a picture. Oh, it has a text attached to it, (clears throat) Dear Timmy, does this outfit (turns the cell phone in Timon's direction as he talks) make me look fa- (Timon, Zazu and Gopher, who are behind him, yell in terror)

Timon: Gnaahh! Put that away!

Zazu: Indeed! 'Tis more torturous than dictating a lecture!

Gopher: Or writing a dictated lecture! (Timon quickly puts hand up and snaps the phone closed)

Pumbaa: But she's going to a bingo parlor this evening and she needs a 2nd opi-

Timon: Tell 'er I'm out to lunch. (walks away to begin the film strip)

Pumbaa: Timon?

Timon: What?

Pumbaa: …I can't push the buttons with hooves. (Timon slaps a hand over his face, heaves, and walks over to get the phone, he starts to approach the microphone) Timon?

Timon: What?!

Pumbaa: …I'm hungry. (Timon looks in a paper bag and pulls out a green container)

Timon: All we have is stink bugs. (Zazu and Gopher immediately seem distressed, Timon notices…and suddenly appears devious) Y'know, they're still in pretty good shape—not too stale, not too dry.

Pumbaa: I don't really like stinkbu-

Timon: (crams green container into Pumbaa's mouth) You'll eat 'em and you'll like 'em! (turns to lobster cage and smirks devilishly) Now, I'll try to put this delicately: if either of you try to escape or blab to anyone, when Mr. Pig here has a "rumbly in his tumbly", AND HE WILL, well…I think we know what'll happen. (falsely sweet) But make like nice little prisoners and keep a sock in it, and I'll let the big guy out for some air later. Deal? (Zazu and Gopher exchange glances, then quickly nod at him) Good. Well, better go start the show! (runs off to the microphone, at that moment Pumbaa puts his hooves to his stomach uncomfortably; Zazu and Gopher appear frightened)

Thank you for your patience ladies and gentleman! I'd tell ya to invite your friends but, they're probably all imaginary if you spend your time here! (Laughs and waits for a reaction from the audience; there is none) Nothin'? …Hey ya ever hear the one about the country who argued whether zebras or cheetahs should be their symbolic animal? Well they came to a compromise; their slogan is now "Spots and Stripes Forever"! (Slaps his leg as he rolls over, but again the crowd is not amused. Fed up, Timon throws his hands in the air) Well, please direct your attention to the screen for something you've never witnessed before. (Pushes a button that turns the projector on, and soon hears shocked screams. Confused, he looks at what's on the drive-in screens…and sees his cell phone opened up and facing the monitor, the picture of his mother in a tight, dark dress fully visible. He abruptly twists his head in Pumbaa's direction, teeth clenched)

Pumbaa: Sorry… (turns on film reel)

* * *

Director: Whaddya MEAN it's unlawful to threaten cast members with a hostile kitten?!!!!

Animal control officer: Sir, Mittens is clearly too aggressive to be in public, we're going to give him a small sedative and send him straight back to your house. (animal control team leaves, the pet carrier Mittens is in is shaking violently and the officer holding it is trying to keep his arm from being ripped out of his socket)

Director: (sigh) Well, _this _is what the lawyers are for. (turns to team of lawyers) One of you! Find me the most lethal, legal animal to be had!

Random lawyer: _I_ know just where to look!! (hurries off somewhere)

Writer: Looks like he's running into that house's backyard.

Random lawyer: (heard from afar) FOUND it! They call this guy Sparky! (angry loud barking is heard) OWCH, OWCH! DOWN SPARKY, DOWN!

Director: I meant WITHOUT killing yourselves!! (sigh, then claps hands) Ok, all needed cast onset! Monkeys, to your positions! (an army of monkeys cling on all the set's equipment)

Timon: (whispering to Pumbaa) What's with all the monkeys?

Pumbaa: The director said they're the only labor cheaper than those Mexicans he had to fire.

Timon: Oh yeah. Who coulda taught those guys to rebel anyway? (the two exchange glances, before their faces light up and they slowly turn their heads to Banzai, who growls viciously, the two wisely look away and don't mention anymore)

Director: (grabs megaphone) Lights! (monkeys shatter overhead lights with rocks, causing them to dim, luckily the hue is just right for an evening scene) Camera! (monkeys either jump on camera equipment, or lick the grass) …Well, we needed more dew anyway. (glances at watch) Somebody tell those monkey chefs to hurry with my dessert, I ordered an _hour_ ago!

Writer: What did you order sir?

Director: Why would you wanna know?

Writer: …On the salary you give me, I can't afford luxuries…food is a good example. And mental images are the closest thing I have.

Director: Well knock it off or I'll start to charge you 300 hundred dollars per every food-like fantasy! Because fantasy food doesn't come cheap, y'know! Anyway it was a chocolate mousse. (two monkey chefs come in and reveal a brown substance in a glass cup on a silver platter) Ahh, that's more like it. (grins) And they work for bananas, luckily they can't tell the difference between fresh ones and either prop food or prehistoric pies from the 20's.

Writer: …By the smell of that mousse something tells me otherwise.

Director: Enough chit-chat! (grabs spoon and shovels a big dollop off the dessert) Action!

(Simba and Nala, Zazu and Mufasa are on their way home. Zazu is flying between the cubs and Mufasa, glancing back to keep a better eye on them this time. The cubs keep their gazes to the ground in shame, Nala glances at Simba for a moment, before lowering her face again. Zazu abruptly looks forward when Mufasa's voice is heard from ahead)

Mufasa: Zazu!

Zazu: (flies up to his king, Mufasa stops walking so he can land in front of him, the hornbill looks uneasy) …Yes sire?

Mufasa: (gestures to the cubs with a turn of his head) Take Nala home. (deliberately looks back at cubs) I've got to teach _my son_ a lesson. (view of cubs shows Simba sinking down into the grass after his father's statement; looking composed again, Zazu flies to the cubs and lands in front of Nala)

Zazu: Come Nala. (turns to Simba, holding his shoulders) Simba… (sighs) good luck. (flies away, Nala follows but glances back at her friend while she leaves)

Nala: …Well don't just stand there, help me!

Simba: (tilting his head) What?

Nala: If home is (points in the opposite direction) that way, why's he leading me the other way?

Zazu: Because that shows you how skillful the director is at creating good scripture.

Director: (close to fuming) …Y'know this is actually part of a deleted scene. If you wish, I can bring it back to the film—it involves you two being ambushed by the hyenas again, eaten, and replaced with a mute majordomo and an overweight fancy-feast commercial cat!

Zazu and Nala: (quickly) We'll do as the script says!

Director: Very good. Next take!

Mufasa: (without turning his head) Simba! (Simba cringes, but gradually gets to his paws and walks toward his father, on the way, he unexpectedly steps into a hole in the ground…and falls, his screams echoing. Mufasa turns his head quickly, looking around for him) Simba? …Simba! (runs back to where his son was last standing) Where is my son?!

Director: Who dug that paw print!?

Gopher: Paw print? I thought you requested I dig a hole so deep one would die of suffocation if they fell in.

Director: That was for-! (immediately lowers his voice so no one can hear) That was for those files, the ones titled "Do not show the IRS" and "Where the copyright lawyers are buried".

Gopher: I don't remember such files.

Director: You were just supposed to dig a hole near the courthouse where I could bury them in! And then with the FBI asked me where they were, I could say they were stolen from me and they'd buy it. And after I told you to go dig at the courthouse, I told you to make a perfect replica of Mufasa's paw print in the ground at the set! Instead you dig that _hole_ here, where our leading star is probably dying a slow, painful death from his brain shriveling up from the lack of oxygen.

Scar: I'll get my camera! (rushes to his dressing room, Mufasa and Sarabi instantaneously begin clawing up dirt)

Gopher: I do remember digging the paw print sir, just not here.

Director: Then where did you dig it?! And what about my files?! (someone taps him on the shoulder, he glances back to see a man dressed in black, and dark sunglasses)

Man: (flashing him a badge) FBI sir, you're being placed under arrest.

Director: For what?!

Man: (shows the "Do not show the IRS" and "Where the copyright lawyers are buried" files to him) We found these crumpled in what appeared to be a lion's footprint. They have your signature on them, care to explain?

Director: I-I, um… (Banzai, Shenzi and Ed appear out of nowhere)

Banzai: Hey, dude with megaphone, know when the next caterin' is? We're starvin'.

Director: (immediately pointing) MINORITY!

FBI agent and the trio: …Huh?

Director: And they're angry about my catering, they've been threatening me about it for weeks!

Shenzi: That's a lie!

FBI agent: They don't look violent.

Shenzi: Y'know I'm gettin' real sick about everybody playin' the race card with us!

Director: LOOK OUT, THEY'RE REBELLING! (The FBI agent tackles all three, taking them away in cuffs. The director smirks) Well, that takes care of him for awhile.

Sarafina: Aren't those three needed for the next scene?

Director: …Someone censor my next sentence. (takes a deep breath) AW OF ALL THE [bleeping sound] I'VE GIVEN TO THIS [bleeping sound] FILM-MAKING INDUSTRY, I CAN'T [bleeping sound] WITHOUT HAVING TO FILE 20 INSURANCE CLAIMS! AND [bleeping sound] THE RUBBER DUCK WON'T [bleeping sound] THE PRODUCERS SAID SOME [bleeping sound] WOULD GO WRONG BUT THEY NEVER [bleeping sound] JUST LIKE POOR OL' GRANDMA USED TO [bleeping sound]!! WHY IF I COULD GET AHOLD OF THE [bleeping sound] WHO SET UP MY BUDGET I'D [bleeping sound], [bleeping sound], [bleeping sound], AND THEN I'D-

Nala: (shouting over his cursing) Can I say something?!

Director: WHAT?!

Nala: …How are you gonna get Simba out?

Director: …There aren't enough censor bleeps in the _**world**_.

_A few minutes later…_

Director: (grumbling as he goes through envelopes) 2,500 dollars for the rescue crane, 350 for the emergency oxygen tanks, 750 for the medical team. (goes through different envelopes) 1,200 for the court fine, 5,000 for bail, 300 to bribe the judge to give us bail, (glances up at an irate Shenzi, Banzai and Ed) …750 _more_ for another medical team. (gets out a calculator)

And that leaves in our budget… (types a few numbers in, and brings out a cell phone) Somebody call my lawyer so he can tell me why it's bad to hang myself on my own set again. (the Writer takes the cell phone and begins dialing) Geez, barely 2 seconds into the scene and I'm already up to my neck in it! ACTION!

Mufasa: (without turning his head) Simba! (Simba cringes, but gradually gets to his paws and walks toward his father, on the way, he unexpectedly steps into a hole in the ground…and sees it is his father's

large paw print; the prince reluctantly walks up to his father, keeping his gaze to the ground, until eventually sitting beside him. Upon slowly gazing up, he sees his father's disenchanted expression)

Mufasa: (composing himself as best he can) …Simba I am _very_ disappointed in you.

Simba: (sighing) I know- (cut off by his father almost consecutively)

Mufasa: You could've been _killed_!

Simba: But falling in that hole was an accident, dad!

Mufasa: …I meant the hyenas.

Simba: Oh. Well, they were too big to fall through that hole. (Ed is heard snickering, Shenzi and Banzai stare in shock)

Shenzi: ED! There's kids in here!!

Banzai: (chuckling) Yeah, you dirty-minded-

Director: ENOUGH! I'll pretend like I didn't hear that and we can-

Nala: Hear what?

Director: Exactly.

Nala: But nobody but (looks at Shenzi and Banzai) those two can understand him.

Scar: You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Director: Just continue the scene!

Mufasa: …Simba I am _very_ disappointed in you.

Simba: (sighing) I know- (cut off by his father almost consecutively)

Mufasa: You could've been _killed_! (cut to view of Mufasa looking upset) You deliberately, disobeyed me. And what's worse: you put _Nala_ in danger!

Zazu: Precisely! How could you do that to such an innocent child?!

Pumbaa: So trusting, so dear, so loyal, so angelic!

Sarabi: She's very trusting Simba, you have to be careful about what you say around here.

Sarafina: (hostilely approaching) And what is _that_ supposed to mean?

Sarabi: I was going to say that-

Sarafina: I know—you're saying my daughter is empty-headed because she's blonde!

Shenzi: The apple don't fall fah from the tree.

Director: Ladies, _please_…and Zazu and Pumbaa; I think we all agree that Nala is both precious and dumb.

Everybody: Wha?

Director: Now back to your places.

Simba: (tearing up from all the fighting, voice cracks) I was just tryin' to be brave like you.

Sarabi: (hissing to Sarafina from behind the camera) Now look what you've done.

Director: Shhh!!! (Sarabi opens her mouth) Sh!! (Sarafina tries to as well) Nnngh! Shhh! Shhhhhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! (looks back at Mufasa and Simba)

Mufasa: (expression softening) I'm only brave, when I _have_ to be. (cut to view of Simba, looking down at his paws) Simba…being brave, (back to Mufasa) doesn't mean you go looking for trouble.

Simba: But you're not scared of anything.

Mufasa: (looks to the side) I was today…

Simba: You were?

Mufasa: Yes. (leans down to his son) I thought the director might leave the catering to monkeys. (everyone on set laughs)

Director: Hey, laugh all ya want! But I'm _never_ lettin' those guys serve anybody but me! That chocolate mousse that made was delicious! I'm making them my own personal chefs! Eat THAT! (a pause…**thunderous** laughter ensues)

Writer: (to father and son) Just continue.

Simba: But you're not scared of anything.

Mufasa: (looks to the side) I was today…

Simba: You were?

Mufasa: Yes. (leans down to his son) I thought I might lose you.

Scar: (unfeeling) And that scares you? (Mufasa roars through his teeth at his brother, who backs down)

Director: Continue, we'll cut that out.

Simba: Oh, (starting to smile) guess even kings get scared huh?

Mufasa: (nodding, also smiling a bit) Mmm-hmm.

Banzai: Yeah, but no king can top _Scar_! (the trio of hyenas laugh just before Scar growls ferociously)

Scar: Give me _one_ instance where I had _any_ cowardice! I've seen you three tremble countless times, like three warthogs in a pork plant! (a dead lizard suddenly lands on his head, the lion quickly shakes off the unknown object…only to freeze at the unmoving reptile)

Shenzi: …Scar? (a snake coils down from the ceiling and leans toward the lizard)

Snake: Oh, pardon me, that's my lunch. (lizard suddenly jumps up to life, making Scar back away, shrieking like a little girl; everyone stares)

Scar: (masculine voice returning) Kill it! Kill it! (he slams his paw down on the lizard's tail…only to have it chopped off by the lizard itself, thus making the dark-maned feline pass out; meanwhile the snake follows the reptile and nabs it, but everybody is too busy staring at the so-called villain)

Director: (grins, leaning to the writer) Let's do a scene with a lizard as a main element.

Writer: Like what?

Director: Make it make Simba cause a stampede or something, I don't care! (gets out megaphone) NEXT TAKE!

Simba: Oh, guess even kings get scared huh?

Mufasa: (nodding) Mmm-hmm.

Simba: (leaning in, whispering) But y'know what?

Mufasa: (whispers back) What?

Simba: I think those hyenas were even scareder. (Mufasa chortles)

Mufasa: 'Cause nobody messes with your dad, c'mere you! (grabs his son and gives him a noogie, Simba protests)

Simba: Oh no, no! Ahhh, urrrgh! (slips from his grip, and pounces him) Argh! (father and son laugh as Mufasa pretends to run away…until he slips and falls to the ground, roaring in pain)

Director: Get a vet! (running toward the scene)

Scar: (clearly enthusiastic) Is he dying?! (a vet enters the studio and walks onto the set, examining the lion)

Vet: I doubt it, his paw is sprained. (looks at director) Give it half an hour, and if he's not better by then-

Director: Shoot 'em and get a replacement, got it.

Vet: …I was going to say-

Scar: (grabbing him by the throat) You heard the man, out! (throws him out of the set)

Simba: You ok dad? (Mufasa attempts to get to his feet, grunting slightly)

Mufasa: (after standing on all fours for a moment, he smiles at his son) …Something tells me we might be able to finish this scene after all. (rubs Simba's head affectionately)

Bystanders: Awwwwwwww.

Scar: (growling) Blast it. (Glances at Ed chewing on a bone, and strikes him in anger. Ed lets out a yelp, and whimpers as he runs to Shenzi)

Writer: Sir, that's a charge of animal cruelty. I'll have to turn you in. (Scar turns to the writer menacingly)

Scar: Oh really?

Writer: …Or, I suppose, we could call the vet back in.

Scar: Wise decision.

Director: Next take everybody! And this time, Mufasa, Simba, take it easy with the horseplay.

Simba: Horses? (looks around) Where're we gonna get the horses?

Director: Perhaps the worst unintentional-supposed-to-be-cute-childhood-innocence joke I've ever heard.

Sarafina: You're not married, are you?

Director: …Just continue the scene! (begins weeping hysterically, everybody whose near him becomes uncomfortable and scoots away)

Simba: Oh no, no! Ahhh, urrrgh! (slips from his grip, and pounces him) Argh! (father and son laugh as Mufasa pretends to run away, Simba pounces on him again) Gotcha! (bites his ear as Mufasa rolls to his stomach)

Simba: Dad?

Mufasa: (looking up) Hmmm?

Simba: We're pals, right?

Mufasa: (chuckling) Right.

Simba: And we'll _always_ be together, right?

Mufasa: (pauses, before looking up) See those stars Simba?

Simba: Yeah.

Mufasa: (suddenly looks mad) Well I hope you're taking a good look because you won't be seeing them again for quite sometime.

Simba: What?

Mufasa: You're grounded.

Director: CUT! Mufasa, usually I'd expect this kind of thing from Scar. But you? Why?

Mufasa: Well he disobeyed me, lied to his mother, and nearly got himself killed. I don't see how my character couldn't punish him.

Director: Well, while you make an excellent point, for now we're sticking to the main idea: the warm father/son moment. Now, next take.

Simba: Dad?

Mufasa: (looking up) Hmmm?

Simba: We're pals, right?

Mufasa: (chuckling) Right.

Simba: And we'll _always_ be together, right?

Mufasa: (pauses, before raising his head up) …Simba, let me tell you something that my father told me. (looks upward at the sky) Look at the stars (Simba does so)—the Great Kings of the past, look down on us from those stars.

Simba: Really?

Mufasa: Yes, so whenever you feel alone, just remember, that those kings will always be there to guide you. …And so will I. (fades to black…because the studio's power went off)

Writer: Um, sir?

Director: Just print it and we can use it as a fade out. No special effects to pay for, no worries.

Timon and Pumbaa: Hakuna Matata!

Director: Great, now let's all get the heck outta here.

Nala: We can't see to get out. (the studio door slams shut, blackening the entire building)

Voice in the dark: Now what? (familiar laughter, with a strangely mischievous tone, is heard)

Shenzi: Ow! Ed, quit tryin' to hold my paw! Scar can't kick you if he can't see y- (yelps as a kicking sound is heard)

Scar: Oh my, did I do that?

Banzai: Hey, back off! (tries to punch something)

Sarafina: Ow!

Zazu: I say, you hit a woman!

Banzai: I-I didn't mean to! (Sarafina tries to hit back, only to mistakenly hit someone else)

Sarabi: Ow, Sarafina!

Sarafina: Sorry! (soon a chain reaction of false targets commences, and everybody goes home with minor, albeit painful, injuries)

* * *

(Banzai and Ed walk into the living room, T is watching TV)

Banzai: What're you doing?

T: Watching American Dad. (a blonde woman is seen on the TV)

Francine Smith: (into telephone) She keeps using ketchup packets as foot grenades! (Ed laughs incoherently, T and Banzai stare, then appear thoughtful)

T: …It _would_ be kinda hard to use foot grenades as ketchup packets. (looks at clock) Anyway, I'm gonna be late if I don't go right now. (gets up to put plate in kitchen, grabbing her backpack too) Glad I could at least eat food that didn't spend 400 years in the back of a freezer.

Banzai: If you were just comin' over for lunch, why'd you bring the backpack?

T: The school won't fix the lock on my locker. I have to carry this thing with me everywhere. (gathers all her books right after she sets her plate in the sink, then she suddenly realizes one is missing. Assuming she left it back in the living room, she goes back and sees it on the couch. As she picks it up however, a folded-up piece of paper falls out of the pages. Noticing, she picks it up off the floor, unfolds the paper, and sees it is a letter, reading:)

_My dearest Tana,_

_Though these last months I've been to this school have been agonizing, and the years I've lived in this neighborhood painful, the one thing that always kept me going was the sight of your beautiful face whenever I walked out my front door. Even though I understand you've rejected me more times than I can keep track of…897, I think, the thought of us, together; a couple; an item, dragged my hopes up from the dust and kept the possibility of a relationship between us alive…_

_At least, until that last week in the hospital. What you said finally knocked some sense into me, and I realize I have no purpose in this life. And because I will never be able to say this to your face by the time you are done reading this letter:_

_Goodbye my kind-hearted, lovely hyena, I always thought you'd be the first living being to give a darn about me_

_Love, the soon-to-be-dead-body-in-the-art-room,_

_Nuka_

(T gasps and quickly rushes out the door, racing over the sidewalk, past intersections, over children's chalk drawings…over unsuspecting squirrels that were then painlessly made into road kill. After what seems like hours she arrives at the school, bursting through the door. Upon reaching the art room, she grabs the doorknob but it won't budge. She begins pounding on the door)

T: (pressing her ear against it) Nuka?!

Nuka: (voice muffled from inside) Go away!

T: What're you doing in there?!

Nuka: You didn't even read the note?! (T backs up and kicks the door open, then quickly rushes in)

T: Nuka! (suddenly pauses upon seeing him rubbing the edge of a piece of notebook paper against his wrist) …What're you doing?

Nuka: What's it look like? I figure since nobody wants me here anyway, I might as well do the world a favor. (rubs harder as he grunts in annoyance) Geez, you can never get a paper cut when you want one! …Hand me that construction paper over there, I bet it'll work better!

T: (sighing in half-relief, half-apologetic) Nuka, stop.

Nuka: Why?! You don't care if I'm alive or dead; I'm just a scrawny, clingy, pain in the neck, remember?!!

T: (aghast for a moment, then remorseful) …I didn't mean for you to hear that.

Nuka: (fidgeting) Yeah, well, I did! (T glances off in thought)

T: …Look, if it'll make you feel better, I'll…go out with you, ONCE. (quickly adds) And nothing serious! Just a little trip to a fast food hangout after school. I'll even pay if you want. (waits for his answer, Nuka seems to be in thought for a moment…before taking the piece of construction paper off his wrist)

Nuka: Ok, but on one condition—I want a kiss; one for now, another after the date.

T: …A handshake.

Nuka: Need I remind you, I'm suicidal _and_ living with a prostitute mother who has plenty of these anti-STD, anti-aging, and ant-I-wanna-live pills.

T: Need I remind _you_, **I** live with three hitpeople-for-hire who are allowed to drive, unlike your mother, and have access to private personal records, and can dig up enough about her to remove YOU from her home.

Nuka: …A peck.

T: A pat on the shoulder.

Nuka: A round at 2nd base.

T: What?!!

Nuka: …A peck?

T: (looking stern) A hug.

Nuka: Deal. (gets up and they hug, there is a cute moment…for about 2 seconds) You know, you smell _just_ like the lock of hair I took from your brush. (realizes what he just said) …Uh, I mean, I don't have a lock of your hair under my pillow! OR smell it at night! OR sometimes pretend you're next to me when I'm smelling it in bed and if no one's looking-!!

T: (cutting him off) JUST, stop before I give you my house key.

Nuka: (looking slightly hopeful) Well why wouldn't I want your house key? (T holds up what _looks_ like an ordinary key…with the exception of a razor as the teeth) …Oh.

T: Yeah, Banzai chose the locks.


	10. Never Hurts to Be Prepared

Well first of all, props to Jagabor for helping me think up some of the jokes in this chapter, as well to Kovukono. ("Thank you" this is me smiling) Second, I hope this hyena update is as funny as the last. Last, I started making this chapter back in Febuary, hence the reference T makes. But Valentine's Day rolled around and I had to postpone it to make "Why Fools Fall in Love". But here it is, all nice and complete. :)

And along with the info I'm afraid I have a precaution about this chapter…it may be offensive somewhere at the end. It's not MEANT to be offensive, it's just there for humor purposes.

Plus, it reveals a scheming side of Nuka rarely shown, but surprisingly possible. Anyhow, I apologize if you're upset by the ending portion, but I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the chapter.

* * *

Shenzi: (opens front door to leave) I'll be out all mornin' on errands—so don't destroy the house while I'm gone! (pauses) Oh, and don't forget to take my calls.

Banzai: What am I, your lousy secretary?! (phone rings, he picks it up) Shenzi Hyena's, hold on. (puts hand on receiver) Monifa's callin' from the women's state prison, you got time to take an insult? (listens) Uh-huh, I'll tell 'er. (clears throat), "Are those hair extensions, or did a rat die on your head?".

Shenzi: Tell 'er the view was ideal last night, (grins evilly) she'll know what I'm talkin' 'bout. (closes door behind her)

Banzai: (stares in a befuddled manner, bringing the phone to his ear) …She says the view was- (eyes quickly widen in realization, same time as his jaw drops midway) Uh…I'll tell 'er to…call ya back. (slowly puts the phone down, T is seen walking down from her room—dressed up pretty nicely yet still casual—and pauses in the middle of the stairs)

T: (running comb through bangs) You can't make _incoming_ calls to a prison. (Banzai ignores her as a knocking sound is heard at the door, he starts for it until T quickly runs downstairs, pushing past him) That's for me! Uh, why don't you go see if the gutters are clean?

Banzai: In February? _Ed's_ not that stupid, T.

T: …What about icicles? Maybe Shenzi wants those knocked down before they fall and kill someone.

Banzai: (chuckling) Hey, those things make _great_ shanks—we let 'em get as big as they can; the thicker the better!

T: Doesn't Ed need help putting away groceries?

Banzai: Paper or plastic?

T: Paper.

Banzai: He don't need help. (T looks aside uneasily, then lights up for a split second as she snaps her fingers; she then coolly looks up at him)

T: Ok. I guess Shenzi doesn't mind a disorganized spice cabinet. (Banzai's face pales in horror, before he rushes toward the kitchen…only to crash into Gituku; T grows pale herself)

Gituku: (getting up) Nice walkin' there pal. Shenzi teach ya that sense of direction?

T: (realizes she's still holding the comb and puts it aside) Weren't you just knocking at the front?

Gituku: Yeah; while Ed and the idiot were busy answering it, I'd break in through the back and sneak off with you. (looks at Banzai dusting himself off) Unlike Cheech n' Chong over here I plan ahead.

Banzai: (turns around) T, what the heck is he doin' here?!

T: (uneasily) Well…

Gituku: (creeping up behind him) What's a matter? Scared that I'm gonna steal everything that's not nailed down? (grins at T, making sure his rival sees him doing it) We just made plans tonight, that's all. (Banzai's jaw drops, before looking at T for confirmation, she gives a half-shrug)

T: …Kind of.

Banzai: _What_?! You?! (looks between Gituku and her, then points his thumb to him as he looks at T) …HIM?

T: To help my case, he _was_ a little insistent.

Gituku: (grinning wider) Maybe I'll take her back to my place for a few drinks afterward. That a problem J-Lo? (fake slaps self on head) Oh that's right; J Lo's WAY too masculine to be you. (Banzai swings a lamp at his head; Gituku ducks out of the way)

Banzai: SHE'S ALSO PUERTO-RICAN; NOT MEXICAN, IDIOT!

Gituku: Mexican idiot? (snickers) Dude you just keep writing these up for me. (Banzai smashes the lamp and aims the glass shards toward Gituku's neck; before things get any messier however, T quickly puts herself between them)

T: STOP! (looks at Banzai) Banzai, I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. I'll call when we get there, and I'll be home before 10. (she looks to Gituku) And YOU better behave yourself or our outing is off. Comprende?

Gituku: (pauses, but can't help himself; smirks widely, talking in a "polite" voice) …Well, if you can keep the cute little Spanish remarks to yourself—unless a bedroom situation calls for it—I'll try to attempt some self-control. (T pushes Banzai's arm off-direction enough to send the porcelain lamp shards into the wall; rather than Gituku's face)

Banzai: (growling irritably, but calms for T's sake) …So where you takin' her anyway, dinner?

Gituku: Nah, I've been banned from most of the restaurants in town. Mainly because one time I forced a guy to chug so much hot sauce it made him go blind.

T: Ewww.

Gituku: Yeah, life can get pretty nasty sometimes for guys who live on the street.

Banzai: Good thing they're better off than you.

Gituku: (reaching over to grab him by the neck) You wanna repeat that, tough guy?

Banzai: (grinning) Guess that thick head of yours blocks off hearing.

Gituku: YOU'RE the one with the thick head! Allow me to use this window to prove it.

T: (uneasy) Um…ok guys, let's try to stay civil. (before Gituku and Banzai can cause any damage, the front door bursts open; flattening them behind it) Nuka?!

Nuka: WHOA, do you look great! Anyway here I am, to pick up the most beautiful girl in the world! (hands her flowers) Y'know I'm really revved-up for this evening T; I'm gonna do everything it takes to make it the best night of your life! (while he talks, she leans to the side to check on Banzai and Gituku, who are struggling behind the door; some dirty words are heard) Despite that I lack a few qualities in the "gorgeous" department—y'know like well-maintained hair, a healthy physique…straight teeth—that doesn't mean this evening won't be enjoyable.

T: About that Nuka…I don't think tonight's such a good time.

Nuka: Hey, you promised! (she gives him a sympathetic look) What'd I do?! Is it my breath?! (breathes into palm and sniffs a couple times) I used so much mouthwash it _burned_! Was it something I said? I know I'm not the only guy who's been recommended for adult braces!

Gituku: (managing to push the door off of him) Well we can't all be devilishly handsome.

Banzai: (popping his head out from above him) Glad to see you're comin' to terms with yourself. (Nuka raises an eyebrow at them, then turns back to T)

Nuka: What're they doing here?

Banzai: I _live_ here!

Gituku: (squeezes out from behind the door…then slams it back on Banzai before he can come after him; walks behind T and wraps his arms around her) We were just leaving. (Nuka stares—T glances off uncomfortably)

* * *

(cut to the abandoned drive-in, Timon is seen rummaging through a cardboard box, then his eyes widen as he pulls out a film reel)

Timon: Pumbaa, come quick! (blows dust off of it as Pumbaa runs to his side) You never gonna guess what I just found!

Pumbaa: Your sense of right and wrong?

Timon: Better!

Pumbaa: Your consideration of others' well-being? An understanding of morals over monetary gain?

Timon: (eyelids lowered) …Like I said, you'll never guess. (shows him the labeling on the film reel) CHECK IT OUT! Pure gold I tell ya!

Pumbaa: (reading the label) Behind the scenes—director's edition.

Timon: (snickering) Sound familiar?

Pumbaa: Not really. I'm guessing the director filmed the actors and actresses in their everyday persona in average situations?

Timon: (scoffing) Nobody likes that anymore, they kept doing it over and over in previews in straight-to-video movies and movie-spoofed-cartoon commercials—both of which KILLED IT! (speaking in a low, conniving tone) What I've got here is a little limelight on the director himself. (snaps fingers) Run the film projector, Pumbaa; we've got stage crew to humiliate!

Pumbaa: You mean film crew.

Timon: Whatever; they both get equally shocking income.

(A few minutes later, the movie screen reads "3…2…1…"

Cut to a large house with a carefully maintained lawn; a man in a blue robe holding a coffee mug happily comes out and takes a deep breath)

Director: Ah, what a day to be alive. (walks up driveway, looking at watch) And a good 2 hours to sit back and read the paper before I go and break my back at that movie studio again. (scoffs, speaking in a deriding voice) "What I _really_ wanna do is direct." (voice returns to normal) Yeah, sure. (leans down to reach the morning paper) I bet Spielberg never had these problems. (as he stands back up however, he notices two strangers quarreling amongst themselves, coming in his direction)

Guy 1: Just tell 'em what happened.

Guy 2: What am I supposed to say? Sorry I ran over your butt-ugly cat?

Guy 1: (nudges him in ribs, speaking low) Shut up, there he is! (both grow quiet as they reach him; the director stares at them, puzzled)

Director: …Can I help you two? (One of them glances off uncomfortably, before his friend nudges him in the ribs again; he glares at him for a second prior to regretfully looking at the director)

Guy 2: Is this 124 Deadbeat Drive?

Director: (drinking from his mug) Yes.

Guy 2: Do you live here?

Director: Who wants to know?

Guy 1: We kind of…had an incident with your cat. (Guy 2 gives him a cooler)

Guy 2: Uh, you can keep that by the way. (the director looks inside and his expression is horror-struck)

Director: MITTENS!!

(Cut to the studio, the director is seen sniffling in his chair, the writer's hand on his shoulder)

Writer: There, there sir; Mittens will be dearly missed.

Director: (getting angry) He's not dead!

Writer: I know it can be hard to cope sir, but-

Director: No, he's NOT dead; the doc said it'll take months of expensive surgeries—of which I'm paying by stealing money from staff and cast members—but he _can_ be saved!

Writer: He's not dead? (turns around and gives a sorrowful glance at the stage crew; many look disappointed while a few curse and return to work)

Stagehand: That's the LAST time I hire teenagers to do a hyena's job! (back with the director, he wipes his face with a handkerchief)

Director: What's this next scene again?

Writer: A hyena number, sir.

Director: Oh, right. (composes himself, blows into the handkerchief, hands it to the writer who holds it away disgustedly, then stands upright) Alright then, bring in the hyenas! (Ed opens one of the main doors and soon a large bulky shadow envelopes the studio)

_A few seconds later…_

(Cut to the now horribly massacred studio—the light posts are twisted beyond repair, ladders have been snapped in two, the walls and floor are covered with blood stains, everything else is littered with fallen sandbags, broken scenery background, busted set equipment and what appear to be the shredded remains of an employee's uniform; most of the cast and crew are hiding underneath one half of the catering table—the other half of it being chewed on by three hyenas. The only ones not squashing themselves under the shattered table are the director—who is standing on his chair like a housewife avoiding mice, the writer—who is holding on the director to keep from falling into the crowd of ravenous carnivores, and Ed—who is beside the director and writer)

Director: GET THESE HYENAS UNDER CONTROL! (glances down at Ed) WHERE'RE THE OTHER TWO?! (Ed shrugs, until the sound of a door opening is heard, and they look over to see both Shenzi and Banzai coming out of a dressing room—Banzai is clearly trying not to smile) About time! Where the heck were you?!

Shenzi: None of your beeswax. (observes the unstable crowd, and tsk-tsks) That's what ya get for tryin' to make a song number with starving carnivores. Fortunately for you I've seen this kinda stuff before, and stopped it in ways that can make grown men squeal.

Banzai: (grinning flirtatiously) Yeah, you _would_ know how to do that. (she immediately turns in his direction and punches him; Ed snickers)

Director: Look, get these guys to calm down, and I'll give you two lovebirds 10 minutes alone between scenes.

Shenzi: Huh?

Banzai: Deal! (runs into the crowd) ALRIGHT YOU CLOWNS, LISTEN UP! KNOCK IT OFF OR I'LL HAFTA-

Shenzi: HE'LL DRAG ALL 'A YA INTO A METHANE VENT WITH MITTENS TO KEEP YA COMPANY! (grabs a random hyena by the shoulders) _**GOT IT**_?

Hyena: (shaking) Y-y-yes scary lady.

Shenzi: Yes scary lady who?

Hyena: (still shaking) Yes scary lady who-will-kill-me-if-I-don't-listen-to-her.

Shenzi: (throws him aside) Close enough.

Writer: (whispering to director) Should we inform them about Mittens' condition?

Director: Heck no! I'd say something else but this is a kid's film. (climbing down from the chair) Alright before we begin this scene I want everybody to remember three things; 1—keep it G-rated (frowns at Shenzi and Banzai), 2—no causing injury of any kind to the stagehands (glowers at mass of hyenas), and 3—I want our "no animals were harmed during the making of this film" guarantee kept **intact**. (glares) That means _you_, Scar.

Scar: (ignoring the director's babbling as he reads the script) …Be Prepared? I'm a despicable villain, _not a boy scout_!

Director: (ignoring Scar) And I've also made an additional part to the hyena henchman's lines. They'll come right after Scar grabs Banzai by the neck.

Banzai: What?!!

Scar: Hmmm, could be interesting.

Director: I assure you, it will be.

Shenzi: You're just tryin' to get back at us for up-stagin' your old lines in the Graveyard scene.

Director: And this'll be a good way to do it. (Unaware to Scar, Banzai, or Shenzi, Ed is looking at a script and suddenly begins motioning hurriedly to the three of them, gesturing to the draft)

Shenzi and Banzai: Not now, Ed! (Director quickly swipes the script away from Ed, who growls at him)

Director: Now we'll have none of that. (Points to a few animal control officers with a tranquilizing gun, Ed whimpers before fleeing onset.) LIGHTS! (eerie glowing comes up) CAMERA! (camera zooms in on a deep crag) ACTION!

(Fade in to a glowing channel, steam rising through its gap. A familiar hyena's voice is heard)

Banzai: Man that lousy Mufasa, I won't be able to sit for a week! (Cut to view of Ed and Banzai, Ed is laughing goofily. Banzai, who has wounds on his backside, turns to him) It's not funny, Ed. (Ed stares at him)

Ed: (clears throat) I guess you're right, it's rude to laugh at others' misfortunes. My apologies, Banzai. …Is there something the matter? (all eyes are staring at Ed, jaws dropped to the ground; the cast, the stagehands, the crew…suddenly the director grabs his chest and falls to the ground)

Writer: A heart attack!

Director: (through gritted teeth) No, I—I think I just felt a twinge of…of…satisfaction! (pulls himself up) This is the first real time one of my actors has done some primo improv!

Writer: Improv?

Director: Yeah; the copy machine ran out of ink after scene 8, so we decided to try improvising when all but Banzai's first lines in the scene were too faded to read.

Writer: …There weren't anymore lines in the script after the first 2 sentences? (someone clears their throat)

Ed: Excuse me, gentleman? (both turn to see Ed) As much as the director is thrilled regarding my fine inventive skills, I'm afraid you'll have to do the scene over. After observing my colleagues' reactions to my well-hidden talent, I've decided it'd be best to retain my usual dim-witted-yet-conscious composure. (goes blank for a moment, before melting into that goofily smiling face we all love and adore)

Director: So…take 2?

Writer: Sir, I really, really _must_ insist we wait until the printer's cartridge is refilled; as much as 10's of dollars would cut into our already overspent budget, I think it would be better if we didn't do an entire scene based on improv.

Director: Why not? That's how Disney used to make straight-to-video movies. (one of the stagehands runs up to the director)

Stagehand: Sir! Sir! One of the staff chipped in and bought enough ink cartridges to refill the printer! (she hands him a bunch of scripts) We have enough ink to last us into the rest of the movie!

Director: (glancing at the copies) Oh…great…

Writer: Who was the staff member?

Stagehand: He didn't give his name, just said we should look at the back page and… (furrows her brow in puzzlement) think twice before using violence as a means to get across at work.

Writer: Hmm, wonder what that could mean.

Director: (shrugs) Who cares? You got your precious script back.

Banzai: Hey director guy, (the director turns to Banzai, who is pointing to a page on the script) why the heck is there a picture of an angry, tortured cat on the last page?

Director: Huh? (looks through script, gets to last page and gasps) MITTENS! (everybody looks at the last page, and all either cringe, gasp, or laugh joyfully at the sight of a black-and-white picture of a flattened, yowling cat; the stagehand who delivered the script covers her mouth in alarm, before walking away uncomfortably; the writer watches as the director stares at the script in shock)

Writer: So, um…(clears throat) take 2?

(Fade in to a glowing channel, steam rising through its gap. A familiar hyena's voice is heard)

Banzai: Man that lousy Mufasa, I won't be able to sit for a week! (Cut to view of Ed and Banzai, Ed is laughing goofily. Banzai, who has wounds on his backside, turns to him) It's not funny, Ed. (Ed can't help himself and bursts out in laughter)

Ed: PWAHAHAAAA! HAHAHA-(gasps in for air)!!!

Banzai: HEY, SHUT UP! (Ed keeps laughing; Banzai growls and gets in a pouncing position, before lunging at him. He misses and dives face-first into an active geyser. Everybody stares to see what will happen next.)

Director: Uh…is there a timer on those things?

Shenzi: Yeah; 3, 2, 1. (a rumbling sound is heard, along with Banzai's screams as he kicks to escape, just before he's blown straight into the air; everybody looks up and waits for him to fall)

Director: …Well his face seemed to take it pretty well. With any luck his backside will respond similarly. (Banzai drops just in time for a large shipment to arrive at the studio; two men are seen hauling in a cart)

One man: (calling out to director) Hey, where do you want this load of thorn branches for scene 10?! (they see a screaming hyena plummet into the cargo)

_A few minutes later…_

(a man in uniform with brimless glasses is seen at a desk, in an office with the director; outside the only door to the room, the studio can be seen)

Lawyer: I'm not here to threaten on my client's behalf, even though we _do_ hold a very strong case-

Director: Listen, buddy, about the security system incident,

Lawyer: What security system incident?

Director: …Aren't you the lawyer Shenzi mentioned would be hearing about her rendezvous with our makeshift burglar alarm?

Lawyer: No…

Director: Oh, then you're here about her sexual harassment lawsuit against Banzai.

Lawyer: No. In fact she dropped charges after she and my client settled that dispute on their own in a locked closet.

Director: (mouth drops) You're BANZAI'S lawyer?! How the heck can he afford you?!

Lawyer: He can't. Disney pays me; they obtain attorneys for all their employees.

Director: …Since when?! (both fail to notice Banzai painfully limping by the stage set; Ed playfully sneaks up behind him) Because nobody ever assigned me one!

Lawyer: (shrugging) Perhaps you have one and never had a use for him or her.

Director: Never had a use?! Two idiot teenagers ran over my cat this morning; it's gonna cost me thousands to keep 'em alive! I'D CALL _THAT_ A USE! (Ed leaps on Banzai, painfully angering him, and a scrap ensues)

Lawyer: I'd definitely say so; with the money you could sue them for, you'd be able to afford your cat's surgery with dollars to spare.

Director: …How many dollars we talkin'? (while the lawyer gets out a calculator and begins punching in numbers, Banzai and Ed crash into a light post, which falls, explodes into sparks, and sets fire to the studio. Numerous animals and stage crew can be seen screaming and running. Banzai and Ed notice but continue their fight, running into more hyenas, who join in. The lawyer finishes calculating and shows the total to the director: his jaw plunges to the ground.

Back outside, Banzai and Ed are in the thick of it; Ed seems to think it's humorous but Banzai genuinely wants to beat him to a laughing pulp. More scenery is destroyed by the raging inferno; one stage crew member gets trapped under a fallen support beam. The only one nearby who can help him is Scar, but as the employee begs for help, Scar looks uninterested and casually walks away. Just as Banzai hurls another punch towards Ed, he doesn't see Shenzi leaping in to intervene…and hits her. All hyenas' jaws drop—including his and Ed's—except for Shenzi, who growls at Banzai and chases him off screen, the rest of the hyenas scatter)

Lawyer: (putting the calculator away) Now then, about my client.

Director: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just a sec. (grabs a cell phone and dials a number, just as a large backdrop breaks from its burned ropes and falls onto the cast; more screaming is heard) Hello Disney? I want my free lawyer.

_A few __more__ minutes later…_

(the director takes his place back in the chair, looking smugly happy for some reason)

Director: Ok everybody, take thr-… (FINALLY notices the fire) whoa! Check out this scenery! (admiring the orange flames) This is gonna be _great_ for the trio's close-up! …Hey, speaking of which, where's Banzai?

Writer: Um, he had a little spat with Shenzi and-

Director: Oh, _terrific_. (shrugs) Aw well. (the writer looks surprised)

Writer: YOU seem awfully content about missing two needed cast members, one of whom could be seriously injured by now…_again_.

Director: YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I AM! CHECK IT OUT! (flashes the writer a check) I got at least 50-grand from those idiot teenagers who ran over Mittens, (rubs hands together) _now_ my heinous plan for revenge can be complete…

Shenzi: (dragging a limp Banzai from out of a closet behind her) Revenge plan? What would _you_ need that fo'? Ya already got enough to resurrect Feline Frankenstein.

Director: True, but Scar is still over his head times infinity for that ludicrous amount of our budget he wiped out on his styling gel.

Shenzi: Oh that? He dumped those out last week.

Director and Writer: WHAT?!!

Shenzi: (letting Banzai fall on a random place in the studio) Yeah, said it was the wrong brand.

Director: That…that unspeakable, that…_abominable_, (his neck vein bulges) that, th-that-!!

Scar: (coming out of nowhere) Am I on time or is it too late to watch your meltdown? (the director spins around and stalks in his direction, pointing a finger at him)

Director: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?! Blowing my budget on styling gel just to see me squirm and _then_ make one of your little lackey's tell me you threw it all away just to see the fireworks…. (whipping out the check) WELL THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, KITTY! 'CAUSE I GOT **THIS**!!! (shows him the check)

Scar: (blinking unenthusiastically) You received 5 grand to pay for your precious Mittens' operation; a sum that might bring your house pet to life but won't even cover a 4th of the amount you've overspent. (nobody notices a new, nearby source of smoke) Though if you must relish in this trifling, insignificant victory, relish away.

Writer: (sniffing the air) Did someone leave an oven on?

Director: (cocking a brow at him) In a movie studio?

Shenzi: (gaping) BANZAI! (all look over to see a pillar of smoke, just before an explosion occurs and Banzai is nowhere to be seen when it clears out)

Director: Shenzi what happened?! Did you set him on another methane vent?

Shenzi: (hysterical) I-I dunno, I wasn't looking (glances around) …Banzai for spirit's sake, be alright!!! (a familiar yelling sound is heard, and it seems to be getting closer; suddenly Scar lets out a slight roar in pain, and the director, writer, and Shenzi turn around to see a charred Banzai on top of Scar)

Director: THERE you are! Well no time for snoozin' men, we got a scene to film so get up!

Writer: (appalled) You want to film in _this_ inferno!?

Director: Sure, we'll use it to our advantage. It'll look cool in the backdrop! Just tell the boys to keep it under control until later. Now then, Banzai, (gets a look of realization on his face) wow you…you really got burnt up. Ok then, Scar, (notices the shape he's in too) oh…your spine's not supposed to bend like that, is it?

Banzai and Scar: (obviously in pain) Can't…**move**…

_Somewhere in a vet's office…_

(the director can be seen signing a clipboard)

Vet: Thank you very much, they'll be wheeled out of here shortly.

Assistant: (coming up to him) Excuse me, sir?

Vet: Yes?

Assistant: The lion in room 7 should be coming out any moment, but that hyena in room 4 will need some additional treatment. Though his hyena nurse assured me that she'd be taking care of it.

Vet: Hyena nurse? We never hired any hyena nurse. (both the vet and nurse go back towards the hallway, until the director stops them)

Director: Uh, maybe you don't wanna go in there…

_Back at the studio…_

Director: Well, now that we've all gotten a few things taken care of, (glares at a fretful Shenzi and a smug Banzai) I _suggest_ we continue with the scene. Take 3!

Banzai: HEY, SHUT UP! (Ed keeps laughing; Banzai growls and gets in a pouncing position, before lunging at him. Ed ducks and Banzai noisily crashes into a wall, falling unconscious)

Director: CUT! Ed, you're supposed to _let_ him tackle you! (Ed tilts his head at the director perplexedly) Look, it just makes for a more interesting scene. _And_ if you win we'll add 5 bucks to your pay, how's that? (Ed guffaws and nods his head abruptly) Great. (looking around) Can somebody wake up Banzai?! (Ed volunteers and approaches his fallen friend, before turning him on his back, parting his mouth, taking a deep breath and leaning down to…)

Banzai: (suddenly regaining consciousness) NO! (claps his paws onto Ed's mouth, shoving him away)

Director: Great job Ed! Just for that, we'll ignore the dead lion in your doorway. (Ed nervously glances from side to side) Take 4!

Banzai: HEY, SHUT UP! (Ed keeps laughing; Banzai growls and gets in a pouncing position, before lunging at him. A rowdy scrap ensues. Shenzi, perched on a rock above the scene, glances back in irritation and turns to face them; off-screen, it is shown she had been reading over the script)

Shenzi: Would you knock it off?!

Director: Sheesh, did the room just catch fire again? (The scrap ends with the Banzai falling on his back, and Ed rolling into a wall; he looks up as some stars fly above his head)

Banzai: (pointing to Shenzi) Only when she's around.

Shenzi: Cork it! (turns to director, motioning to script) What's with _this_ part later on in the scene?

Director: ("naïvely") What part?

Shenzi: The part where I get all cozy with Banzai! (Banzai's attention quickly diverts to her and the director)

Banzai: (tries to act like he knows what she's talking about) Uh, yeah, what _is_ up with that scene? And is there _any_ way we can get it to a shot as long as possible?

Shenzi: (turning back to him) You don't even know which part it is!

Banzai: (grinning) I could guess. (she growls, he shuts up)

Director: Look, since you two so _obviously_ want to display your affection in public-

Shenzi: When did we-?!

Director: Making goo-goo eyes at each other between rehearsals, using the broom closet for _non_-broom closet purposes, not to mention the first scene in the Elephant Graveyard-

Shenzi and Banzai: (quickly waving their paws) Alright, alright!/Ok! Ok!

Director: So I figured, "Hey, give the lovebirds what they want." Plus if you make this whole ordeal painless I'll let you have all the free time you crave right before the stampede scene.

Shenzi: (paw on chin) Well-

Banzai: (eager) Deal! (gets back on the set with Ed)

Director: Action!

Banzai: HEY, SHUT UP! (Ed keeps laughing; Banzai growls and gets in a pouncing position, before lunging at him. A rowdy scrap ensues. Shenzi, perched on a rock above the scene, glances back in irritation and turns to face them)

Shenzi: Would you knock it off?!

Banzai: (pointing at Ed) Well he star-OW! (looks to see Ed chewing on his back leg, Banzai tries to shake him off but Ed merely rolls with it as he continues chomping; Banzai hits him, kicks him, and even tries to bite back, but nothing works)

Timon: …Wow that guy _really_ has a death grip.

Simba: Yeah. (looks at Nala) Can you believe we almost got eaten by him?

Nala: Yeah…it was so COOL!

Simba: (smiling) It was really cool!

Nala: (nearly jumping) It was _awesome_ and cool!

Director: Alright you kids that's enough enjoyment in your near-death experience. (looks toward set) Ed…ED! (Ed looks up right as Banzai's about to strike him with a flaming thorn branch, caught on fire during the light post explosion) By "when the fight ends, Ed begins chewing on his leg" the script was talking about _your own_. Sorry, I know pronouns can be tricky.

Nala: (whispering to Simba) …He really _has_ gotten more sympathetic since his cat's surgery. (he nods)

Director: Take 5!

Simba: WHERE?!

Director: Not the candy bar Simba, the scene.

Simba: Oh…

Random Stage Crew Members: He's _so_ cute!

Director: Action! (Banzai and Ed begin fighting again; Shenzi, perched on a rock above the scene, glances back in irritation and turns to face them)

Shenzi: Would you knock it off?! (The scrap ends with Banzai falling on his back, and Ed chewing on his _own_ leg)

Banzai: (pointing to Ed) Well he started it! (glares back at Ed, only to give Shenzi a look as she begins scolding them)

Shenzi: (heard off-screen) Look at you guys! (appears onscreen, walking off the rock) No wonder we're bein' paid half the amount of the _white_ cast members.

Director: CUT! (standing out of his chair) Shenzi, what is it with you and race?! You're animals, you guys don't even have races!

Timon: Oh yeah? If we don't have races, how come I won- (film reel suddenly turns to static; the audience sounds displeased)

Random Audience Members: Aw c'mon!/What's going on?/What happened?

Timon: (voice disguised) Eh, sorry folks, this is old film we're dealin' with here, some of it must've…not been able to handle the limelight. (chuckles into the mike, as he stuffs the embarrassing shots of him into a cardboard box labeled "**Do Not Show!!****!**") Luckily I think we can manage with the rest of the outtakes. (film reel runs again, showing the director back in his chair)

Director: Action!

Shenzi: (heard off-screen) Look at you guys! (appears onscreen, walking off the rock) No wonder Disney never shows us in any attractions!

Director: (rubbing chin) …Not a bad point, but still, _not_ your lines! Do it over! (grins) At if you blow it on purpose one more time, I'll contact my Disney lawyer.

Writer: (approaching with a cell phone in hand) Uh, sir, your insurance company just called…your car's been totaled.

Director: WHAT?! I haven't even driven it since this morning!

Writer: Your lawyer left a note saying he needed to borrow it to attend a court hearing. …And then he crashed it on 124 Deadbeat Drive.

Director: (face turning pale) So you're saying…?

Writer: Yes sir, the entire left wing of your house was demolished. Your insurance company claims they can't cover it.

Director: …W-well then I'll just introduce my Disney lawyer to 'em and _then_ we'll see who-!!

Writer: Your lawyer was killed in the car crash, sir.

Director: WHAT?!

Writer: (chipper) Anyhow, next take. (walks off, everybody stares)

Shenzi: …Geez, that guy's got it worse than you Banzai.

Banzai: Yeah. …Hey!

Stagehand: "Be Prepared", take 8! (clacks marker)

Shenzi: (heard off-screen) Look at you guys! (appears onscreen, walking off the rock) No wonder we're danglin' at the bottom 'a the food chain!

Banzai: (oblivious to the spit hanging from his lower lip) Man I hate dangling.

Shenzi: (blinks, then turns to director) Alright, I know we're goin' for humor here but _c'mon_! The guy's drooling—a trait one would only expect of Ed—and we don't even know _why_!

Director: (shrugging) Maybe he was staring at you too long. (Shenzi's mouth falls open, as some snickering is heard)

Shenzi: (suddenly gets an evil look in her eye) I don't have to take that; _I_ got a Disney lawyer.

Director: …SHUT UP! (runs off crying)

Banzai: Why didn't ya just beat the tar out of 'im?

Shenzi: 'Cause I know I didn't have to; at least not to make 'im _cry_.

Writer: (sighs) Take 9.

Shenzi: Chyeah? (walks up to the two) Y'know, if it weren't for those _lions_ we'd be _runnin'_ the joint!

Banzai: Yeah man I hate lions! (suddenly all the feline cast members surround them, snarling viciously; Shenzi and Banzai don't look very comfortable) …Uh, director guy? Need a little help here.

Shenzi: The director's gone. (the lions begin to close in; both hyenas are forced to press against each other to back away)

Banzai: What about the writer?

Writer: Oh uh, I can't do anything; the director's the one who kept the peace around here, and since he's crying in his office there's nobody to stop these guys.

Zazu: (grinning) Looks like you're just going to have to take it. (both hyenas gulp as the lion cast start to move in closer, until…)

Random voice: HIT THE DIRT! HE'S NEAR THE STATION CONTROLS!

Shenzi and Banzai: (glancing over) …Ed? (Ed can be seen laughing wildly, playing with random levers and buttons on a control platform)

Stage hand: Don't touch that you fool!! That's the PYRO BUTTON! (Ed stares at him, shrugs, and pushes a big red button: a huge blast of fire shoots up from the ground, _including_ around Shenzi and Banzai; sending the lion cast members yowling into the air. Shenzi and Banzai stare upward for a moment, before looking directly toward Ed…and grinning)

Banzai: Nice goin' man! (suddenly we see the director emerging from his office, sniveling and holding a tissue to his nose)

Director: Ok, everything's cool now. (blows into tissue) Let's just get back to the scene. And Shenzi-

Shenzi: I got it; no setbacks.

Director: That's right. Now-…hey, who's been messin' with the pyro?! That's what we're gonna use to introduce Scar with! (sighs) Aw well, I guess we'll have to substitute with steam for flames, _then_ we'll try to cram the _rest_ of those cheap labor hyenas in here. (Shenzi and Banzai exchange irked glances; Ed looks similar) Take 10.

Shenzi: Chyeah? (walks up to the two) Y'know, if it weren't for those _humans_ we'd be _runnin'_ the joint!

Banzai: Yeah man I hate humans! (Shenzi sticks a lip at him)

Shenzi: So grumpy.

Banzai: (seems a bit revolted) And scary!

Shenzi: (grinning as she nudges him) And creepy!

Banzai: (grins back) And man are they-

Shenzi and Banzai: (pressing their backs together) UUUUUUUUGLY! (both cringe over in laughter)

Director: Alright, not a bad take. Now we just set the ambiance, cue in Scar and we should be good to-WAIT A MINUTE!!!

_A few minutes later…_

Shenzi: Chyeah? (walks up to the two) Y'know, if it weren't for those _lions_ we'd be _runnin'_ the joint!

Banzai: Yeah man I hate lions! (Shenzi sticks a lip at him)

Shenzi: So pushy.

Banzai: (seems a bit revolted) And hairy!

Shenzi: (grinning as she nudges him) And stinky!

Banzai: (grins back) And man are they-

Shenzi and Banzai: (pressing their backs together) UUUUUUUUGLY! (both cringe over in laughter, before an eerie voice echoes through the cave)

Scar: (appearing through vapors left over from geyser emissions, he is laying on a rock surface above the trio) Oh surely we lions are not all _that_ bad… (appearing to be once alarmed, the trio quickly calm down seeing its him)

Shenzi: Well, you're also too strong or loud for your own good, you've been known to _inbreed_ without a second thought, _plus_ your females are thicker than a D-Q malt.

Sarabi: I beg your pardon?

Shenzi: (glancing at the lioness cast members) Whenever mating season rolls around, you ladies' like a guy with a nice, dark mane, right? (general nodding from the lionesses)

Sarafina: All except Scar. (more nodding, Scar looks away angrily)

Shenzi: (raising brow) So I guess that means you're comfortable with wastin' all that time on fertility treatment?

Sarafina: (staring at her perplexedly) Fertility treatment?

Shenzi: Let's make sure I got this right first—for you lionesses, darker is better.

Sarabi: Most of the time yes, it indicates a strong, intelligent male who's had plenty of life experience.

Shenzi: And it's _also_ been proven, that even though male lions with dark manes—(looks at Scar) present company excluded—are the ones gettin' all the attention, it's the _lighter_ ones that have the best chance of siring cubs.

Banzai: (cocking a brow at her) How'd _you_ find that out?

Shenzi: (shrugs) Look it up, it's on any wildlife documentary.

Scar: (irked) What does any twat with a video camera know about-

Sarafina: (eyes wide) Is _that_ why you married Mufasa, Sarabi?

Sarabi: Sarafina we've been friends for _how_ long—and you know if I marry anybody it's for love!

Scar: (examining claws) And the all-access privilege to the royal treasury didn't hurt, either. (she growls at him)

Director: Can we just continue the scene before I have to get security?

Zazu: (surprised) Security? You mean those hooligans who broke into my dressing room and stole nearly _all_ of my important documents?!

Director: (eyelids low) You mean your diary? (view of Simba and Nala giggling as they flip through a book entitled "Property of Zazu")

Simba: January 12th; Dear diary, I believe I'm about this close to pulling my feathers out. Just this morning before the scene Scar hogged the bathroom for 3 hours straight, fortunately I had just enough time to polish my beak and take that medication for the unsightly bird fungus I mentioned on page 27. (glances at Nala) Hey, we never checked _that_ out! (flips back through the pages)

December 31st; Dear diary, I know it's New Year's Eve and should probably be out attending Mufasa's exclusive festivity but I'm very worried. You see, I've started molting recently, which concerns me since it isn't even close to that time of year. I bet it's probably from all that stress Scar caused me during scene 2. I'm _still_ having nightmares about the inside of his mouth.

Director: Ok, that's enough! Simba you do not ever, **ever** read someone's personal diary while we're filming! (Zazu smiles in approval…until the director adds) You can read us the rest all you want after we're finished. Rig up those geysers again, action!

Scar: (appearing through vapors left over from geyser emissions, he is laying on a rock surface above the trio) Oh surely we lions are not all _that_ bad… (appearing to be once alarmed, the trio quickly calm down seeing its him)

Banzai: Oh Scar, it's just you. (chuckles)

Scar: (grinning) Pity how you think that means it's safe to let your guard down… (the trio glance up at him perplexedly…just before he leaps down and catches them by surprise, clasping Banzai and Ed by the jugular and holding Shenzi down for later)

Director: Scar, you're not supposed to jump down until the song starts!

Scar: (ignoring him) I _still_ haven't forgotten that pyro incident. (all three struggle as he brings out a claw and prepares to slice Ed open first, before one of the large studio doors slides open; a beam of daylight hits the four villains)

Stage hand: Hey, the rest of the hyenas are here! (everyone looks to see a massive horde of hyenas coming into the set; the trio smirk upon noticing Scar's uneasiness, he bitterly releases them)

Scar: (mumbling) This is far from over…

Banzai: (shrugging) Whatever. (the trio greet the horde as they pour into the set)

Director: (pointing his hand to the left) I want every non-canon hyena settled on the left side of the studio! We're filming on the right! (the hyenas fill in the left half of the set while the trio get back into position) Action!

Banzai: Oh Scar, it's just you. (chuckles)

Shenzi: Yeah we were afraid it was somebody important.

Scar: (scowling at the director) Was that even in the script?!

Director: (uninterestedly flipping through a magazine) Nope, but it's good and I'm keeping it. (Scar huffs and retains composure) Take 13.

Banzai: Yeah y'know like Mufasa. (cut to Scar looking at them above)

Shenzi: (off-screen) Yeah.

Scar: (clearly unamused) I see. (cut back to Shenzi and Banzai)

Banzai: Now THAT'S power.

Shenzi: Tell me about it—I just hear that name and I shudder!

Banzai: (raising a mischievous eyebrow) Mufasa…

Mufasa: **WHAT?!** (all three hyenas freeze in place; apparently Mufasa had been irritable from nursing a burn wound he'd received in the pyro incident)

Banzai: (grins uneasily) Uh…how's it goin'?

Mufasa: (after roaring through his teeth) I've been better… (there is an awkward silence)

Director: …Take 15.

Shenzi: Tell me about it—I just hear that name and I shudder! (Banzai warily glances over at Mufasa, as does Shenzi; the director reads their minds and turns to him)

Director: And uh, Mufasa, the repetitive use of your name is in the script. Just so you know.

Mufasa: I understand now.

Director: (looking back at Shenzi and Banzai) Continue.

Banzai: (raising a mischievous eyebrow) Mufasa…

Shenzi: (cringing and, as she said, shuddering) Oooh. (seems distressed…until she grins and quickly says) Do it again.

Banzai: Mufasa!

Shenzi: Ooooh!! (shudders worse…Banzai furrows his brow)

Banzai: How come you never do that when people say _my_ name?

Director: (in a warning tone) Banzai…

Banzai: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (clears throat, but before he can speak again Shenzi intervenes)

Shenzi: Uh, I think we should start over. Y'know, so we don't have to cut out as much. (Banzai is taken aback; the director shrugs)

Director: Couldn't hurt. Next take! …Banzai, say your lines.

Banzai: …No; screw this. (gets up and leaves, Shenzi's eyes widen and she follows him; the camera cuts to static, until the hallway of the characters' dressing rooms are seen. Some bystander with a camera walks past a few doors reading "Simba", "Timon", "Zazu", "Ed," until he reaches one that says "Banzai" and pokes the camera inside. Shenzi and Banzai can be seen having another spat)

Shenzi: What the heck was up with you back there?

Banzai: Up with _me_?! You're the one goin' all gaga over Mufasa! I'm surprised Sarabi didn't try n' tear your throat out!

Shenzi: Probably because she's surrounded by about 200 of us. Anyway, what's your problem? All I did was say my lines.

Banzai: (scoffing) _I_ said my lines, _you_ just kept screaming (imitating her voice, badly) 'Oh, do it again! Do it again!' (She hits him) Ow! (rubs his shoulder) Is there somethin' goin' on between you guys?! Somethin' I should know about?!

Shenzi: (rolling her eyes) Banzai you birdbrain! I only shudder whenever _you_ say Mufasa! Get it?

Banzai: (glaring at her) No. (Shenzi scowls, then looks directly at the camera and grabs the startled cameraman)

Cameraman: You could see me!?

Shenzi: Hard not to with _this_ (jiggles the camera) shoved up our noses. Say Mufasa.

Cameraman: Wha? (Shenzi brings out her claws)

Shenzi: Need I repeat myself?

Cameraman: MUFASA, MUFASA, MUFASA! (Shenzi remains perfectly calm, makes sure Banzai sees it, then lets the cameraman go)

Shenzi: (smirking) See? (Banzai stares…then kicks the cameraman out, slamming the door in his face)

Banzai: (heard from behind the door) Mufasa… (some giggling is heard, right before it cuts to static again)

_A few minutes later…_

(Shenzi and Banzai are seen walking back onto the set, passing some uncontrollable hyenas who continue to destroy the equipment; when the director spots them he is livid)

Director: Where the heck _were_ you two?! We spent an hour turning the place upside down!

Banzai: Eh, we got lost.

Director: (grumbling) I bet. Now both of you, back on set! (the two take their places) Next take!

Banzai: (raising a mischievous eyebrow) Mufasa…

Shenzi: (cringing and, as she said, shuddering) Oooh. (seems distressed…until she grins and quickly says) Do it again.

Banzai: Mufasa!

Shenzi: Ooooh!! (shudders worse)

Banzai: Mufasa, (she falls over, as does Ed but in laughter) Mufasa, MUFASA! (cut back to Scar)

Shenzi: Ooooh, it tingles me!

Scar: (rubbing his forehead while rolling his eyes) I'm surrounded by idiots.

Shenzi: (examining her claws) That was _your_ decision to make when you came here.

Scar: (glancing at the director) Ad-libbing!

Director: (still looking through magazine) Huh? Oh, I…don't care. (Scar fumes)

Scar: What is that you're reading anyhow?! A catalogue of lonely, desperate women—many of them most likely overweight—looking for pathetic, miserable bachelors such as yourself?! (this time the director fumes)

Director: No: IT'S A CATALOGUE OF UNEMPLOYED **DISNEY LAWYERS**!

Mufasa and Writer: Alright, break it up you two.

Director (to writer) and Scar (to writer): YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!

Writer: B-but, Mufasa yelled too…

Director: You, we can beat without consequence. Action!

Scar: (rubbing his forehead while rolling his eyes) I'm surrounded by idiots. (cut back to the trio, Shenzi starts biting a flea and Ed scratches himself with his hind leg, as Banzai speaks to Scar)

Banzai: Not you Scar I mean you're one of us, which makes _you_ an idiot! (view of Scar merely looking away)

Scar: Char-… (the trio snicker as Scar gets a look of realization on his face…right before he leaps down again to attack Banzai) YOU WON'T GET A NOMINEE WITHOUT **ME!!!**

Banzai: (dodging swipes) THE MOVIE'S GOTTA BE MADE BEFORE YOU CAN GET AN OSCAR! (while Scar and Banzai have at it, something comes up behind Scar and knocks him quite a few feet away; it is revealed to be Shenzi)

Shenzi: If anybody's gettin' an oscar around here it's me.

Sarafina: For what?

Scar: (getting to all fours, he and Banzai start circling each other) For the death of this imbecile!

Shenzi: _No_, for best leading female villain.

Director: BREAK IT UP OR I'M CALLING ANIMAL CONTROL!

Shenzi: (glancing at him skeptically) They'd have their hands pretty full. Look around ya; aside from those two morons, there's a horde of uncontrollable hyenas far as the eye can see, and if there's one thing they know how to do it's disobey. Except me of course. Now, I can settle this scuffle, for a _price_.

Director: (lowering eyelids) More free time with Banzai?

Shenzi: Nope, I want a fresh shipment of zebra delivered to my room every day. _And_ I want 3 all-access passes to the studio.

Director: (eyeing her suspiciously) What would _you_ need with all-access passes?

Shenzi: (nonchalantly examining her claws) Oh, roomier stompin' grounds. That's all.

Simba: No it's not, you want 'em to get into the security room! I saw you trying to take a tape from one of the cameras!

Shenzi: (growling) Cork it!

Simba: (frowning) I'm not scared of you.

Shenzi: Oh really? (takes him aside and shows him Scar and Banzai) See them?

Simba: Yeah.

Shenzi: Now, they're both bigger than you, they're both stronger than you, an' they _might_ be smarter than you. But I still scare the _daylights_ out of 'em. Know why?

Simba: Uh, 'cause you yell the loudest? (Shenzi rolls her eyes, then whispers something in his ear. A second later, Simba looks horrified, and runs to Sarabi) MOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! (Shenzi smirks, Ed walks up to her and asks what she told him)

Shenzi: Oh I just explained to that kid what happens to lions—or anyother thangs—who rub me the wrong way. (Ed's eyes widen and he gulps, then slowly creeps away)

Director: (staring) …This wouldn't have anything to do with that decapitated lion we found clogging the sewage pipe two weeks ago, would it?

Shenzi: (getting impatient) Do you want that fight stopped or not?

Director: Alright, alright! Just hurry up, (glancing past her apprehensively) they're wrecking the pinball machine!

Shenzi: We got a pinball machine?

Director: (eyes darting) I uh…do it in my spare time. Now go! (she rolls her eyes and walks toward Scar and Banzai, who are scuffling near the pinball machine; Scar slams Banzai down on the glass, bending the machine's legs, the director lets out a distressed whimper. Without batting an eye, Shenzi nails Scar in the gut, and elbows Banzai in the neck. Both males sound like the wind just got knocked out of them, and gasp for breath directly after; out of the corner of her eye, Shenzi spots Simba watching the fight, and smirks to herself)

Shenzi: Alright, now are we gonna finish the scene or do I have to get _rough_? (Banzai and Scar exchange burning glares, yet obediently head back to their places on set; Shenzi notices Simba's eyes widen, she says nothing but smirks triumphantly, then looks at the director) Ok, ready when you are.

Director: Next take.

Banzai: Not you Scar I mean you're one of us, I mean you're our pal! (view of Scar merely looking away)

Scar: (dryly) Charmed. (cut back to Shenzi and Banzai)

Shenzi: Ooh I _like_ that! (glances at Banzai) He's not director but he's still so conceited!

Scar: (unaffected) And why not? I've got a high-paying role in a blockbuster film, mildly sensual accent, green eyes to _die_ for (grins evilly in Simba's wake), and with looks like these who wouldn't be a tad bit conceited?

Shenzi: (shrugs) Yeah, just throw in a few groupies and in two years you oughtta be on your way to your very own Washout Documentary.

Scar: Sticks and stones, Shenzi.

Shenzi: (smirking) With narrator Matthew Broderick.

Scar: (fuming) WHAT?!

Banzai: Can we get a stun-gun in here?!

Director: Next take!

Shenzi: Ooh I _like_ that! (glances at Banzai) He's not king but he's still so proper!

Banzai: Yeah. (close up on Banzai as he starts speaking hurriedly) Hey! Didja bring us anything to eat, old Scar, old buddy, old pal? Huh, didja, didja, didja? (view of Scar looking annoyed, before he casually takes a zebra leg out from behind him)

Scar: I don't think you really deserve this. (smirks deviously) But I suppose I could be generous just this once… (drops it in front of the trio)

Director: And by the way, that's not prop food, you can actually eat that. (at hearing _this_, all three hyenas dig in; much to Scar's…strange gratification…then obvious perplexity)

Scar: (raising an eyebrow) …Aren't you three feeling a tad…odd?

Shenzi, Banzai (and Ed): No. (some coughing is heard)

Voice: Nala? (all look over to see Sarafina gazing over Nala, who appears vaguely ill)

Sarafina: Are you alright, dear?

Nala: (rubs her forehead as she tries to steady herself) I…I think so. I just feel really dizzy. (collapses, just before Sarafina catches her)

Sarafina: Where's that veterinarian!?

(we then see Rafiki, who had been passing the time by beating random hyenas with his stick, look in the direction of the lioness and her daughter; he strokes his beard and walks over to her, Sarafina looks up at him hesitantly)

Rafiki: What else de child feeling? (both look down to Nala)

Nala: Well, (holds abdomen) my stomach really hurts. (unknown to everyone else, Scar's eyes widen)

Rafiki: Yes?

Nala: And I can't feel my…anything.

Rafiki: Your whole body numb?

Nala: Yeah.

Rafiki: (nodding) Rafiki tinks he seen dis ailment before. What else?

Nala: Everything's starting to look blurry. And I (stumbles a little) can't stand up…

Rafiki: Ha-ha! Tought so! (turns to Sarafina) You not need worry about what could be wrong with your daughta.

Sarafina: (sighing in relief) Oh thank goodness, thank you Rafi-

Rafiki: She been poisoned! (everybody gasps)

Sarafina: You said I didn't have to worry!!

Rafiki: About not knowing what eet is. But now we do! (smiling) And now…(frowning) she going to die. (numerous gasps)

Sarafina: And nothing can be done?!

Rafiki: Who said dat?! Yes, she going to die—but only if we can't cure her.

Sarafina: (roaring) HOW?!!

Rafiki: (smoothing his fur down) By feeding it to her of course! (Sarafina flexes her claws and lets out a deep growl) …And I will get right on dat. (turns to Nala) Can you tink of anyting strange you ate?

Nala: The only thing I've eaten all day is that zebra leg left by the caterer.

Director: Zebra leg? There's no zebra in catering service! Not in any one we can afford anyway…

Nala: But it was right on the table, and it even said 'enjoy, love the caterer'.

Director: We can't afford catering that _sincere_ either! Something's definitely not right here…

Writer: Maybe it wasn't an accident. Maybe somebody here actually _wanted_ to poison somebody. But we're already at a dead end—I mean, who here hates _Nala_?

Rafiki: (brow narrowing in thought) Maybe de leg not _meant_ for Nala. Maybe it meant for someone else

Nala: Well, actually I got it off a plate of two zebra legs. Scar grabbed the first one before anyone else could…weird enough, it looks just like the one he threw to the hyenas. (everybody's eyes widen, and all turn to Scar)

Shenzi: (irate) YOU WERE TRYIN' TO POISON ME?!

Banzai: (glaring at him too) He was tryin' to poison _us_!

Shenzi: (still glaring at Scar) YOU WERE TRYIN' TO POISON ME?!

Scar: In my defense, I _did_ say you didn't deserve it before handing it down to you.

Shenzi: But hand it down you did, and _now_ look. (motions to Nala) _Anybody_ can poison your nephew Scar, but when it comes to innocent, helpless, _white, female_ victims, Disney's gonna make you pay. (Back with Nala, a veterinarian holds a spoonful of liquid to her mouth)

Rafiki: Modern medicine?! Don't make me laugh! (slaps it out of her hands, then hands Nala a gourd filled with glowing liquid) Now _dat_ will cure _anyting_ you got!

Nala: What's in it?

Rafiki: (stroking beard) Either de cure for your ailment, or de plutonium Scar bribed me to discreetly bring into his dressing room. Anyhow, bottoms up! (tips gourd and pours the whole thing into her mouth; everyone waits awhile)

Director: Now what happens?

Rafiki: She'll either be healed, or grow bat wings and have her own TV show.

_A few minutes later…_

Director: Well, with that matter settled we can finally finish this movie scene.

Nala: Um, director?

Director: What? (looks as she points out the window, seeing a lion cub shape in the sky) Oh, the Nala signal! (shrugs) Yeah sure, go ahead kid. We don't need ya in this scene anyway. (Nala grins and her bat wings carry her off)

Simba: Wait for me! (runs out of the studio into heavy traffic, some loud crashes sounds and car horns are heard) I'm coming Nala!

Director: Next take!

Scar: I don't think you really deserve this. (view of the trio snapping up and begging for it) I practically gift-wrapped those cubs for you, (view of Scar looking away disgustedly) and you couldn't even dispose of _them_. (drops it, and the trio prepare to dive into it…but it catches onto a branch on the way down)

Director: (rolls his eys) Aw terrific.

Shenzi: Can somebody get a hack saw?!

Director: So you can cut off the branch?

Shenzi: No! So I can cut up the idiot who put _up_ that branch! (Ed is seen whimpering as he leaps up repeatedly, snapping his jaws as he does so, to get the meal)

Director: CUT!

_A few __more__ minutes later…_

Director: Action!

Scar: I don't think you really deserve this. (view of the trio snapping up and begging for it) I practically gift-wrapped those cubs for you, (view of Scar looking away disgustedly) and you couldn't even dispose of _them_. (drops it, the trio cease their begging and rip into it mercilessly)

Shenzi: (glancing up with a mouthful) Well y'know, it wasn't exactly like they was _alone_ Scar! (Banzai raises his head up, also speaking with a mouthful)

Banzai: Yeah, what were we supposed to do? (Shenzi gulps and goes back for more, Banzai gulps too, but glances up at Scar) Kill Mufasa? (view of Scar, steam bordering him, making him appear more sinister)

Scar: (leaning in with an eerie smile) Precisely… (the trio look up)

Shenzi: (glancing at Banzai) …You were right, he _is_ an idiot.

Scar: (scowling at the director) Cut that—I'm starting the number anyhow! (Music begins playing as Scar pounces down to their spot on the ground, the hyenas quickly move out of the way, but Banzai can't make it away in time; Scar dives on him, claws-first)

Banzai: AAAAAGH! SON OF A-[bleeping sound]!! GET THIS [bleeping sound] OFF ME!!

Scar: Get this [bleeping sound] off my claws!

Director: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF THE LADY!

Shenzi: Thank-you.

Director: Oh, not you—Zazu.

Zazu: (ruffling his feathers) Well splendid job; we're _both_ offended! (two stagehands come and pry Scar's claws out of Banzai, who swears again when they're yanked out)

Director: Put some make-up on that and it'll be good as new. Places everybody! (Scar climbs back up to the pedestal as the trio take their positions) Action!

(Music begins playing as Scar pounces down to their spot on the ground, the hyenas quickly move out of the way, Ed making off with the bone from their meal. Geysers go off as Scar approaches the camera to the music; a large one obscures the front view of him, until he pokes his head through and sings)

Scar: _I know that your pow'rs of retention_ (view of him circling Ed, who is gnawing on the bone)

_Are as wet, as a warthog's backside_ (stops circling momentarily)

_But thick as you are, _(slaps bone from Ed's grasp) _PAY ATTENTION!_ (Ed stares, before suddenly bursting into tears) Oh come now, I didn't hit you _that_ hard! (Ed ignores him and runs to Shenzi for comfort)

Shenzi: (holding Ed and glaring at Scar) You never know when to hold back—_that's_ why I'm the only one who's allowed to get physical with the boys.

Scar: (dryly) In more ways than one, I'm sure.

Shenzi: (snarling) What? (Ed shrieks, and she looks to see she dug her claws into him out of rage; however rather than comforting him, she slaps him upside the head) Oh grow up.

Director: Back to your positions; this isn't over yet! (everybody gets back onset) ACTION!

Scar: _But thick as you are, _(slaps bone from Ed's grasp) _PAY ATTENTION!_ (begins circling again)

_My words are a matter of pride_ (waves paw in front of Ed's face)

_It's clear from your vacant expression_

_You've taken many falls down some stairs_

Director: CUT! (everybody starts giggling) Knock it off, I mean it! This hyena could sue us for prejudice against the mentally-

Writer: Sir?

Director: What?!

Writer: (pointing to Ed) Look. (glances in that way to see Ed guffawing and start chasing his tail ecstatically)

Director: (rolls eyes) Whatever, next take. (Scar waves his paw in Ed's face)

Scar: _It's clear from your vacant expression_

_The lights aren't all on upstairs_ (Ed smiles goofily, unaware Scar looks as though he is about to pounce him.)

_But we're talking kings and successions_ (Shenzi and Banzai, in the background, look at him and laugh)

Banzai: Nice tattoo—_now_ I see why Disney hired ya!

Scar: (irately looking back) What are you blathering about!?

Shenzi: He's talkin' about the image of Walt inked into your… (looks away and clears throat)

Zazu: Oh yes, I recall that design. (Scar's eyes widen as Mufasa glances in his wake) Mufasa had a similar imprint done when both he and Scar signed contracts to Dis- (lets out a chirp and jumps up for a second or so…before groaning and falling unconscious; everyone stares)

Director: Um, what the heck just-?

Voice: Nobody saw anything. (the set looks up to see two people in dark uniforms and sunglasses, one of them holding a poison dart projectile) Understand?

Director: …Say, aren't you the guys who work in Disney's underworld? (is abruptly grabbed by the neck) Ack! I-I mean _what_ underworld? Disney doesn't have an underworld. There _is_ no underworld!

Man in suit: Good boy. (both turn to leave, before one looks back again) Oh, and that parrot should be conscious again in about an hour. You'd do well to tell 'em to keep his mouth shut. (they leave the set; an awkward silence follows)

Director: …So…back to the scene?

Scar: (prepares to pounce on Ed) _But we're talking kings and successions_ (Shenzi and Banzai, in the background, see this and laugh, only to be taken off guard as Scar pounces them.)

_Even YOU can't be caught unawares!_ (the two are revealed to have fallen on top of geysers, which…don't do anything…at all)

Director: Cut!! (looks at writer) What the heck happened?!

Writer: How should I know? I just handle the script!

Director: Excuses can't fix those-!! (is cut off as an explosion is heard, followed by two voiced screams; the writer and director glance up) …Oh. I guess they were just off-time is all. (shrugs) Get out the aloe and prepare for the next take. (Scar and Ed take their positions, while a limping Banzai and a grumbling Shenzi take theirs a few minutes afterward) Action!

Scar: (prepares to pounce on Ed) _But we're talking kings and successions_ (Shenzi and Banzai, in the background, see this and laugh, only to be taken off guard as Scar pounces them.)

_Even YOU can't be caught unawares!_ (the two are revealed to have fallen on top of geysers, which explode a few seconds later, the two are heard screaming as Scar continues)

_So prepare for the chance of a lifetime!_ (Shenzi and Banzai are seen falling in the background, screaming, but go unnoticed)

_Be prepared for __sensational__ news!_ (for some reason Scar appears uncommonly feminine in that line; the music fades) …What? Is there something on my face?

Director: Uh, yeah—every shred of masculinity you _lack_. What was _that_ back there?

Scar: Is it so wrong to be the only male unafraid to show his feminine side?

Director: (glancing around) Speaking of feminine males, wasn't Shenzi supposed to show up on cue?

Writer: Um, sir?

Director: What?

Writer: We had a little problem with the geyser scene—somebody forgot to put a mattress down on the landing area. (a few hisses and "ouch"'s are heard in the background) But don't worry there wasn't any serious damage. And Shenzi should be showing on cue right about… (points to Shenzi crawling out of the crevice)

Director: (walking over to her) Well, it's about time! I thought we'd have to actually hire stunt doubles due to all that time you wasted. (scoffs) Women. (Shenzi says nothing, and slaps him. As the director rubs his cheek, some snickering is heard, he grumbles) Action…

Scar: _Be prepared for __sensational__ news!_ (for some reason Scar appears uncommonly feminine in that line)

_A shining new era_ (tiptoes) _is tip-toeing nearer_ (Shenzi is seen coming through an opening in the wall, warily approaching him)

Shenzi: And where do we feature?

Scar: (unmercifully pulling her cheek) Just listen to teacher.

_I know it sounds sordid-_

Shenzi: CUT! (music halts, everybody looks at her)

Director: Hey, that's my line!

Shenzi: (ignoring him) You expect us to put up with this abuse? The three of us nearly got pounced on, Ed's still achin' from that slap on the head (Ed, still stroking the place where Scar struck him, glowers at the director), and Banzai's rump was bad enough thanks to Mufasa, now it's charred as your sense of compassion!

Director: (mumbling) You _would_ pay attention to something like that.

Shenzi: Excuse me?

Director: (innocently) Nothing. And you can all relax—the stuff you just mentioned is only the beginning.

All hyenas: **WHAT**?!!

Director: (looking at script) We've barely _scratched the surface_ on all the ground we have to cover. (Shenzi snatches the script…and does not look pleased once she reads it)

Shenzi: I AM **NOT** DOIN' THIS SCENE IF I HAFTA GET SHOT OFF A GEYSER, NEARLY GET HALF MY FACE RIPPED OFF BY SOME TOUCHY LION, AND FALL INTO A BONE HEAP FROM ABOUT A HUNDRED MILES IN THE AIR! I'M GOIN' TO MY TRAILER!! (she leaves, there is a pause, until finally Scar decides to break the silence)

Scar: Is it that time of the month already? (the director takes some sort of medication from his pocket, then dumps the whole thing in his mouth)

Writer: Take five everyone.

_One would-be lawsuit later…_

Director: And that's why Disney decided not to sue. Questions?

Shenzi: (scowling) Did you ever _once_ meet a woman that wasn't a friend of your mother's?

Director: …Next take!

Scar: (unmercifully pulling her cheek) Just listen to teacher.

_I know that sounds sordid_

_But you'll be rewarded_

_When at last Disney hears our lawsuit_

_And when jurors and bribe are ensnared_

Director: SCAR!!!

Scar: _BE PREPAAAAARED!_

Director: Very funny, stick to the script!

Scar: _I know it sounds sordid _(Shenzi rubs her cheek petulantly)

_But you'll be rewarded_

_When at last I am given my dues_ (jumps near a rock, where Ed is again chewing the bone, jumps behind Ed)

_And in justice DELICIOUSLY squared_ (kicks Ed into a pile of bones)

_BE PREPAAAAARED!_ (puts emphasis on the D, the hyenas appear out of the bone pile with various skulls on their heads)

Banzai: Yeah, be prepared! Hehe, we'll be-

Director: Wait a sec! (record scratches) Where's Ed? (Shenzi and Banzai look around and at the bone pile)

Shenzi: Well he fell into the bones with us. (Banzai takes in a breath and dives down for a moment, then comes back up with Ed, who has a femur vertically stuck inside his mouth)

Banzai: Uh, we're gonna need some pliers.

Director: (puts hand over eyes, sighing) Next take. (the trio go back under, then _all_ appear out of the bone pile with various skulls on their heads)

Banzai: Yeah, be prepared! Hehe, we'll be prepared! (pauses, then looks up at Scar) For what? (view of Scar branched maliciously on a craggy pedestal)

Scar: (booming voice) For the death of the king!

Banzai: (climbing up to said pedestal) Why, is he sick? (Scar grabs him by the throat) Arck!

Scar: No fool, we're-

Banzai: (kicking) LEGGO! (grabs the paw around his neck, starting to gasp) Le'go 'a me, **now**!!!

Shenzi: (sighing) Alright, put 'em down. He can't breath.

Scar: (smiling devilishly) I know. (Shenzi and Ed gape up at him, Scar continues smiling in her direction) And up here, you _can't_ break us up.

Shenzi: LIKE HECK I CAN'T! (starts to climb up the cliff, before she is electrocuted) AIY-ACK! (falls back down) What the heck is that!?

Director: And how the heck could Banzai get past it without feeling the same thing? I know his pain tolerance is-

Scar: Idiots! I rigged that earlier while you were busy looking for our two lovebirds. (dryly gazes at Banzai, who tries to kick him in the stomach for that; he backhands him in response) I left it off when Banzai climbed up here, and I activated it when he was finally in my grasp…

Shenzi: So whaddya gonna do up there now? _Drop_ 'im? There's no way that space up there is big enough for another fight.

Scar: (grinning) Maybe not a fight, but something **much,** much worse… (screaming is heard; Scar glances at Banzai) Act like a man for once in your life—I haven't even started-

Banzai: (still clawing at Scar's paw) That ain't me. (the screaming slowly becomes louder, until suddenly the sound of breaking glass is heard and two cubs fall from the ceiling; one of them knocking aside Scar)

Simba: Hi uncle Scar! (Scar gapes at him, until he realizes they're both falling…right onto the circuitry of his electrocution system; Scar writhes in pain once they hit it, but Simba doesn't seem to mind much) _Th-th-that crash through the skylight w-was a bl-bl-blast!!!_ (as for Banzai who is still on the pedestal…)

Banzai: What the-!? (we see Nala hovering over him, panting slightly)

Nala: I don't (pants) get why (pants) Disney would (pants) wanna buy (pants) Marvel comics. (her wings suddenly disintegrate) Oh no, my bat wings! (she falls, only to be caught in her mother's arms; Nala quickly notices Simba still being zapped alive) Could someone please help him!? (a random stagehand comes up and tries to help remove him from the electrical system…by swinging a wooden bat to whack him off; the director sighs and finds the fuse box, then cuts the power to that circuit)

Director: Ok, you can stop trying to smack him—he's not being electrocuted anymore.

Stagehand: He was being electrocuted? (by this point Scar is nothing but a painfully moaning lionized piece of charcoal; as if oblivious to the pain, Simba eagerly jumps off his uncle and heads in Nala's direction)

Simba: WHOA! That was awesome! And rescuing the city from The Penguin was pretty cool too!

Nala: That wasn't _The_ Penguin, that was _a_ penguin, blocking traffic.

Timon: If all you had to do was stop a penguin from blocking traffic, why are you so out of breath?

Nala: (lightly glaring at her friend) _Simba_ wanted to fly back. (glances behind him) Will your uncle be ok?

Banzai: Not if I have anything to say about it! (everyone looks up to see he has a bucket of water in his hand)

Director: Uh, that's not gonna work; I already cut the power. (Banzai cackles, and points downward; everybody sees Ed holding jumper cables next to a stripped outlet, the other end is clamped onto the platform Scar is still on)

Scar: You wouldn't…

Shenzi: He _can't_. (everybody turns to her)

Scar and Banzai: Why not?

Shenzi: Because those kids threw broken glass all over the place, not only causin' serious injury, but shredding up most of the flammable equipment in here; you light those cables up and we'll _all_ pay.

Banzai: In case you forgot, half this set is _already_ on fire for a later part in the scene.

Shenzi: …Ok then, dump that water on Scar n' tell Ed to attach the cables. You'll see what happens.

Banzai: No problem! (glances at Ed) Now Ed! (he nods and is about to attach the cables until a stagehand walks in)

Stagehand: Hey, does anybody here have a pair of jumper cables I can borrow? Jim Cummings is having car trouble. (sees Ed) Oh, here's some. (takes cables) Thanks buddy. (walks out of the studio)

Director: (glancing at Mufasa) I suggest you get your brother off that platform before we have to re-cast our villain…or actually make him useful for something and fry today's lunch on him.

Shenzi: (sighs) I'll get the barbecue sauce…

_One canceled BBQ later…_

Director: And that's why Banzai suddenly had a change of heart and decided to save you rather than have you burned to a crispy lionized briquette.

Banzai: What the heck are _you_ talkin' about? I just swiped Scar off so I could fry banana beak instead.

Director: BANZAI WE _HAVE_ TO GET OUR STORY STRAIGHT SO DISNEY CAN'T GET LEGAL ON US! COMPRENDE?!

Banzai: (sneering) Sí burro loco.

Director: What?

Banzai: Action! (music starts as he climbs up to the pedestal) Why, is he sick? (Scar grabs him by the throat; less harshly)

Scar: No fool, we're gonna kill 'im. (glancing off devilishly) And Simba too. (releases Banzai, who falls on a ribcage between Shenzi and Ed)

Shenzi: Great idea! Who needs a king?

All three: (singing) No king, no king, lalalalalala!

Scar: (shouting from the pedestal) IDIOTS, there will _be_ a king!

Banzai: Hey, but you said that-

Scar: _I_ will be king. (camera zooms out as his voice echos) Stick with me, AND YOU'LL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN!! (The echo keeps going, but no lights come on, and the music doesn't continue, Scar sits tall on the pedestal in complete silence. The trio exchange puzzled glances, right before Scar glares at the director)

What idiot is running the technical properties of this film?! Your workers can't even handle a simple light cue!

Director: Don't blame me, blame the celebrity voice actors! We're over budget and we can't afford to pay the power bill, so our electricity is generated by the actors who aren't used in each scene! (view of the rest of the TLK cast gasping for breath in a hamster wheel-like contraption, the director cracks a whip) Back to work! (they start running again)

Scar: It's a miracle you can use that without putting your eye out. Now correct that erroneous cue so we may continue pretending to be oblivious to the negative subliminal messaging in this vista!

Director: (mumbling) Yes Adolf.

Scar: (growling) I heard that… (music starts up again)

Banzai: Hey, but you said that-

Scar: _I_ will be king. (camera zooms out as his voice echos) Stick with me, (a brilliant light cascades his shadow on the cave wall, making him appear about as majestic as a villain can get) AND YOU'LL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN!

Shenzi: Yay!

Banzai: Yeah!

Shenzi and Banzai: Just don't ever sing! (Shenzi cackles as other hyenas in the background are illuminated by lights)

Hyenas: Don't let 'im sing! Don't let 'im sing!

Director: CUT! (music halts as the trio and mass of hyenas are falling against each other in laughter) Now as much as Scar can't hold a tune let alone hold a hyena in mid-air, we _have_ to finish this! (in a semi-sweet voice) Because the sooner we finish this, THE SOONER I CAN RE-HIRE A NEW DISNEY LAWYER! …Probably either a blonde or red-head. Anyhow, next take!

Shenzi and Banzai: Alright, long live the king! (Shenzi cackles as other hyenas in the background are illuminated by lights)

Hyenas: Long live the king! Long live the king! (dust and steam momentarily blocks the screen, until Scar is seen sitting atop the makeshift podium, rows of hyenas doing the goose-step in front of him)

_It's great that we'll soon be connected_

_With a king who'll be all-time adored_

Scar: _Of course quid pro quo, you're expected_ (slashes claw over throat with a menacing gesture)

_To take __certain duties__ on board_ (view of Scar overlooking the goose-stepping hyenas)

_The future is littered with prizes_

_And though I'm the main addressee_

_The point that I must emphasize is_ (leaps from his stand, to an unsuspecting hyena)

YOU WON'T GET A SNIFF WITHOUT ME!! (Backs him into a fiery molten crag, a distressed laugh echoes from within the gap as the other hyenas warily stare at the sight. However before the number can go on, further shrieking is heard)

Hyena: NO! NOOOO! GET AWAY MITTENS!!

Director: _Mittens_? (walks over to the crag, and gapes at what he sees) MITTENS! (a hyperactive feline version of Terminator leaps out of the crag and into the director's arms) Oh I just _knew_ that money from the lawsuit would heal you better than before! (in a cooing voice) Did you come to see daddy at work? (notices everyone is staring at him) Just continue, we'll cut all that screaming out.

Hyena: I'M DYING OF BLOOD LOSS DOWN HERE!!

Director: (ignores and sits in his chair, petting Mittens in his lap) As you were, everybody.

Hyena: These methane fumes are clouding my head! I can't breathe!!

Director: Just go on with the scene!

Hyena: I'm being boiled alive down here! I broke my leg in the fall, some mutated cat just nearly **killed** me; if we don't call the vet back soon I'm gonna-! (sharp yelp as a bang is heard…everybody turns to see the director holding a revolver aimed toward the crag; he calmly sits down in his chair again, stroking a purring Mittens)

Director: (emotionless) Nobody saw anything. Next take. (all non-acting cast members gradually start running in the wheel again; the rest of the hyenas take their places; however Scar, acting oh-so oblivious, continues the song and leaps onto a rising stone platform)

Scar and hyenas: _So prepare for the coup of the century_

Scar: (passing dueting hyenas as he continues to rise higher) _Be prepared_,

Three hyenas: (as if howling) _Oooh!_

Scar: _For the murkiest scam!_

Three more: _La, la, la!_

Scar: (leads as the hyenas keep singing in the background) _Meticulous planning!_

Hyenas: _We'll roast you!_

Scar: _Tenacity spanning!_

Hyenas: _On a skew!_

Scar: _Decades of denial!_

Hyenas: _Love to eat,_

Scar: _Is simply why I'll,_

Hyenas: _Be so sweet!_

Simba: Hey uncle Scar!

Scar: (annoyed beyond limit) **What**!?

Simba: (pointing) There's a hyena on your back. (Scar glances behind him and sees a hyena about to bite into his neck; he immediately flings him off, but is soon enveloped in ravenous hyenas)

Director: Get the hose!! (turns to trio) Can't you do something about them?!

Shenzi: Probably.

Writer: We don't have a hose sir.

Director: What DO we have!? (the writer shows him Banzai's bucket of water) …I'm gonna need a refill on that Serotonin.

Stagehand: (heard off-screen) Uh, boss, I think I just saw Scar's femur.

_A few more minutes later…_

Shenzi: So after repeatedly bashing hyena after hyena with that empty water bucket, the director finally made it to Scar and got him to make-up where he is currently refreshing for the next take.

Nala: Why did you just say that when we already saw the whole thing?

Director: (emerging from the hall of men's dressing rooms) Everybody, the drama queen's finished putting on his face and should be continuing the scene shortly.

Simba: But Zazu's right here. (points to Zazu, whose feathers ruffle as he mutters some angry words)

Zazu: Speaking of ferocious felines, where is that horrendous monstrosity you call a pet?

Director: Mittens? (points to his chair) He's right over- (sees chair is empty and gasps; Scar comes out of the hall just as the director puts his hands up and says) NOBODY MOVE! MITTENS IS GONE! (all stare…before screaming and running around in circles)

Stagehand: WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!

Writer: Wait a second! (pulls director aside) We found 'em!

Director: Where was he?! (the writer holds out his arm…the same one mittens is using as a scratching post; the director gasps, ignores his writer's serious injuries and rips the cat off his arm, also ignoring the horrific cry of pain the writer gives) Mittens!! Don't you ever leave me like that again! What if something happened to you? I'd have no leverage over anybody until my new lawyer showed up! (diverts his attention to the set) Nobody's suing, right? Good! Now let's redo that scene! (Scar groans and begrudgingly takes his position) Action!

Scar: (leads as the hyenas keep singing in the background) _Meticulous planning!_

Hyenas: _We'll have food!_

Scar: _Tenacity spanning!_

Hyenas: _Lots of food!_

Scar: _Decades of denial!_

Hyenas: _We repeat,_

Scar: _Is simply why I'll,_

Hyenas: _Endless meat!_ (hyenas echo "oooh" as he continues, finishing with "wah!" as he pauses just before the final verses)

Scar: _Be king undisputed_ (view of moon in background as glowing red steam illuminates Scar frighteningly)

_Respected, saluted_

_And seen for the wonder I am!_

_Yes my teeth and ambitions are bared _(sinister images harmonize with the song—hyenas shaking bones whose shadows look like daunting figures, the bones eventually break; view of Scar again, steam thrashing his mane about)

_Be prepared!_ (Scar seems enraged all of a sudden) …Because my stylist will hear about this! (music stops as he begins combing through his mane)

Director: You are the biggest drama queen on this set!

Zazu: Indeed—your histrionic behavior, is only equaled by your lust for power and publicity.

Scar: Your blithering nonsense is only equaled by your lack of physical ability. (leaning down to his level tauntingly) Should you not be working that hamster wheel of a generator?

Zazu: (mumbling as he flies away) If I was higher species, I'd… (his sentence becomes inaudible from the director's shouting)

Director: As much as you seem to disagree Scar, this _isn't_ a catwalk—no one cares how your mane looks. (all the Scar fanfic authors walk in unexpectedly)

Scar fanfic authors: WE DISAGREE!

Director: Who the heck are they!? (a few authors surround the lion in a bodyguard-like stance while the rest, mostly women, gratifyingly fix up Scar's mane, one girl shyly walks up to him)

Girl Scar-lover: We added extra-strength gel so that nasty condensation from the steam won't ruin those gleaming locks anymore. (giggles and leaves with the rest)

Director: (jaw open) …That did not just happen.

Scar: (examining claws "innocently") What was that you were saying? I couldn't hear you over the cries of my adoring public, who unlike you are aware I exist and sincerely _care_ that I do.

Timon: Like you're the only one with an adoring throng! (shows a view of him getting a manicure by one fan while another serves him drinks on a tray; Nala is reading fan mail; Ed, appearing unusually professional with reading glasses on, is critiquing a comedian's sketch plans)

Scar: I digress.

Director: (through clenched teeth) Next. Take. (music starts up again)

Scar: _Yes my teeth and ambitions are bared _(sinister images harmonize with the song—hyenas shaking bones whose shadows look like daunting figures, the bones eventually break; view of Scar again, steam thrashing his mane about)

_Be prepared!_ (more images; hyenas jumping over molten craters to rocky peaks in unison with music, one hyena beats on a dead animal's skeleton like it was a xylophone, and finally Shenzi, Banzai and Ed are seen singing through a red methane vent; unbeknownst to the director, until it's too late that is, a swarm of famished hyenas are closing in on him. He looks back with a horrified expression)

Director: Wait a minute, GET SECURITY! They're going to _eat_ me when you finish!!

Shenzi: (scoffs) Right, and then how would they get paid?

Director: Didn't you hear me?! I'm a dead man if they get any closer!!

Shenzi: No you're not…

Director: (cringing away from the crowd of hyenas, shielding himself with the script as they get closer) I'M TELLING YOU THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME!!!

Shenzi: I'm almost certain they won't. (clears throat as song continues)

Shenzi, Banzai and Ed (and the other hyenas): _Yes our teeth and ambitions are bared!_

Scar and hyenas: _Be prepared!_ (sinister laughing from everyone ensues, as the camera zooms out to reveal a dark view of the graveyard at night; the music ends as the screen fades to black)

Director: Um hey everybody…we weren't really supposed to fade out. …My cat chewed the wires and is now shocking everything he bites.

Everybody: (gasps) MITTENS!

* * *

(Cut to T sitting with Nuka, on her left, and Gituku, in front of her, at a diner)

T: (explaining the situation to them) …so I'm sorry things turned out this way, and I'm sorry I didn't call you two to sort it out. (smiles for their sake) But at least this'll turn out better than Kirsten Stewart's career after the "Twilight" movies end.

_Flash to the future…_

(a movie studio is seen, Kirsten Stewart is being dragged out by two security officers)

Kirsten Stewart: YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I'M KIRSTEN STEWART!!

Security officer #1: Twilight's over—like your career. (they throw her out)

Security officer #2: Maybe if you weren't such a potty-mouth during your interviews Hollywood would give you a second chance. (shuts studio door)

_End of future flash…_

Nuka: (holding an ice pack to his cheek) Yeah well, I wouldn't have minded as much if Banzai didn't give me a knuckle sandwich for an appetizer.

T: He was aiming for Gituku.

Gituku: I can't help it if I got evasive skills. (noisily gulps down drink, wipes his mouth with his arm, then turns to Nuka) Listen, kid, ya never wanna be near one of us when we're havin' it out. Last time that happened Bujune couldn't walk straight for a month.

Nuka: (tapping his paw digits on his glass) Hmmm, I'm not surprised.

T: (confused) You've never seen them fight until now.

Nuka: (placing his paw on T's) Listen, Ta—er, T, I know how much you look out for the guy and, especially coming from the family I come from, I love that about you. But all I can say is I hope your tolerance level is high. (starting to lean forward) Because, (looks around, then whispers) I think Banzai's in the closet.

Gituku: (leaning back in his chair) You ain't the only one, kid.

T: He is very much _not_ in the closet—just look at how he drools over Shenzi.

Nuka: (shrugs) Lots of gays use close female friends to hide their secret.

T: (skeptical) And what exactly makes Banzai gay?

Nuka: I don't think I was the first to notice the excessive amount of cologne he wears. And, not to crush any other potential relationships, (looks at Gituku) or be offensive, but the only one he seems to really get excited around is (points to the left) this guy.

T and Gituku: **WHAT?!!**

Nuka: Think about it; they have to approach each other as soon as they make eye contact, they like a lot of the same things-

Gituku: We beat the living snot out of each other on a daily basis.

Nuka: A-ha! Thank you for proving my point. (glances at T) See? They can't keep their hands off each other.

Gituku: That's a load.

Nuka: Is it? (looks up ponderously) From what I hear, you two've been going at it since you were barely weaned, and then when you started _puberty_ that really made things heat up—but in what way? Just think about it; in all the times he's fought with you, he could've been secretly feeling you up… (Gituku blinks skeptically…until he suddenly appears stunned)

T: (staring worriedly) Gituku?

_Flashback…_

16 year-old Banzai: (roughed up quite a bit) Is that all you got? **Ed** can hit harder, and that's just if we're foolin' around!

16 year-old Gituku: (clearly half-beaten to death, panting heavily, yet managing to smirk) You're one to talk—what kinda girly punch was that?!

16 year-old Banzai: (smirks, then catches him in a headlock) C'mon, you _like_ to get the tar knocked outta ya—why _else_ would you want me to look at your pretty face?!

_End of flashback…_

T: Giuku? Gituku!! (Gituku suddenly shakes his head to snap out of it)

Gituku: Huh-what?

T: Are you ok?

Gituku: Uh…I…I should probably… (Nuka smiles "innocently")

Nuka: Call it a night?

Gituku: …Yeah. (gets up to leave)

Nuka: Nice getting to know you. (eagerly looks at T, who still looks at Gituku uneasily) Now then, where were we? (Banzai suddenly walks in) Aw c'mon!

Banzai: (makes eye contact with Gituku, who freezes like a deer in a headlight, before darting out the back exit) That was…weird, (shrugs) but fortunate. (glances at T) Dumped 'im, huh? What'd you say? (grins) Did 'e cry?

T: Um…

Nuka: Actually, your little adversary there left on his own. He decided he wanted take out—one mohito to-go.

Banzai: Gituku's gay!? I KNEW it!

* * *

Again, that's for humorous intentions. So, like it, hate it, burn-me-with-FLAMES-for it, review! Your input's always appreciated. Did anybody notice the running gag?--"(gasp) MITTENS!"


	11. They're Off!

_Gituku enters with a grin_

Heya nerds—I-I mean internet users! So, here's the thing—my mom's officially become legal, and she's doing a sucky job at it. And I mean sucky: won't even take up smoking! Instead, as she was stocking up on powerful firearms, she decided to waltz down here, grab a few vids of TLK, and scrape up the next chapter. So in other words, even though it's _her_ birthday, YOU GUYS are getting the present. Don't you feel lucky you ungrateful-

_T suddenly pushes him off camera_

Sorry about that. Here's an announcer.

_The screen goes black and a paragraphs rolls up-screen as a narrator at mind-boggling speed, reads it aloud_

Let the record show this fic is solely for humor and enjoyment purposes, and is not meant to promote or encourage any moral/immoral or ethic/unethical convictions. Any statements made by Gituku do not necessarily portray the views of the writer or the other OC's. If you are offended by Gituku's thoughts, sayings, or actions please stop reading this fic. If you are offended please do not write a half-thought-out review about how he is a bad image for the children. In the event you find Gituku offensive he has composed a verbal response in these exact words: "[censored]." And now to stop talking in a fast-forward narrator voice…

* * *

_We see Shenzi and T in T's room and where T is sitting in front of a mirror, and Shenzi has a straight iron in her hand_

T: What is the point of picture day?

Shenzi: Some say it's the school's way of givin' somethin' back to the parents…although in your case it's a little too late.

T: OWCH! _pulls away and grips her right ear_ Shenzi, you're burning my ear.

Shenzi: _moves her head into its former position_ Just hold still.

T: _as her head is bent down_ Why do you care so much about my pictures anyway?

Shenzi: Forsaking my last two years of high school in favor of the career of a professional hitwoman, I never had a school picture and I wanna make sure yours…ain't too hideous.

T: Is this your way of being sweet? _leans up as Shenzi leaves the room_

Shenzi: Shut up while I go get the staple gun!

T: …Staple gun? _hears a noise downstairs_ Shenzi, somebody's at the door.

Shenzi: _heard from the next room_ Oh that's probably just the serial killer. Don't answer it.

T: …_laughs lightly_ Sorry, I musta misheard. I thought you said it was a-

Shenzi: Serial killer. _returns with a staple gun in hand _The one who strikes every rainy season. _looks at T, surprised to see her dumbstruck_ …The one who took out that family of jackals 3 blocks from us. _continues to stare _The only thang they been broadcastin' more on the news between that pain-in-tail blooper reel. _same amount of stunned and horrified _Oh for Pete's sake, stop lookin' at me like that, ya look like a half-dead fish! You mean to tell me you ain't never heard of… _trails off at seeing T's expression has not changed_ …And what rock were you under in the last 3 weeks?

T: _shakily_ I-I haven't watched the news in awhile, ever since school let in…there's really a serial killer out there besides you three?

Shenzi: _rolls her eyes_ You at least remembered to lock the door when ya came home, right?

T: Uh… _The two freeze once they hear a noise again downstairs, T looks at Shenzi weakly _You wouldn't happen to have your gun?

Shenzi: _glances down at the first floor_ Don't wet your pants, probably just Banzai or Ed.

T: How do we know it's not-

Shenzi: _in an obvious tone_ Each time he struck he'd burn the place down from the bottom up to ditch any evidence. _a louder bang is heard, before_ _they see smoke pouring out of the living room; a hooded figure appears at the bottom of the stairs, a pack of matches in one hand and through the smoke it seems a firearm-like object is in the other; Shenzi and T stare…before Shenzi slowly reaches over and closes her door, locking it _Only way this could get more cliché is if the power went out. _thunder outside_ And that. _lightning strikes, causing a power outage_

T: _fearfully_ What if he comes after us?

Shenzi: _scoffing_ Did you see that guy? I've maimed lions bigger than him. _the two quickly glance at the door as the knob starts to jiggle violently_

T: Can he get in?

Shenzi: Right after we moved in T I had that cheap plywood door replaced with class-A oak. You think my room would get any less? _a creaking sound is heard_ What the-? …Holy crow, he's unscrewin' the bolts!

T: Just get your gun!

Shenzi: Even if it wasn't downstairs, think it'd save us from that bazooka he had on his arm? _thunder booms a second time as a large pounding sounds on her door,_ _both scream and clasp onto each other_

T: Sh-Shenzi, I-I never got to tell you this, but I can't thank you enough for taking me in instead of killing me when I wondered into the graveyard.

Shenzi: I never _planned_ on sayin' this, but since we're about to die I guess it really don't matter now. …T you're the first real gal-pal I've ever had, as far as friendship goes…you ain't so bad. _the door falls, smoke pouring into the room as both scream again and a figure looms inside; Shenzi glances at T…before throwing her into the intruder and bailing out_

T: H-hey! I thought you said we were friends!

Shenzi: Yeah n' I'm really gonna miss you girl! _She bolts past the intruder, who doesn't even seem to acknowledge her and instead closes in on T, inching ever the closer, T backs away fearfully and clenches her eyes shut, waiting for it to be over…_

Nuka: _pulls his hood off_ Tana!

T: _quickly glances up_ Nuka? _gets angry_ You scared the living heck out of me!

Nuka: Oh, sorry. It was rainy outside so I wore my only jacket. _T sighs, partially in relief_ Wow, you look beat. What happened?

T: _still angry_ What happened! You broke into my house!

Nuka: The door was open. Well…unlocked.

T: And you terrified me and Shenzi!

Nuka: …Really? That's usually the other way-

T: _coughing from the smoke, then pointing_ And what's that you're carrying on your arm?

Nuka: _looks at his shoulder_ This? _takes it off, revealing a cube-shaped bulky backpack mistakenly thought to be a bazooka _Ok, so it's not vintage, but mother promised there were no fleas this time!

T: …And the fire?

Nuka: _we see him lighting a pack of matches and giggling at the flames, before realizing she's still there and throws them away_ I have a problem… _the two look in the direction of downstairs as they hear Shenzi shouting, right before cutting to a view of her using an extinguisher on the whole living room, cut back to T and Nuka _You know, you oughtta lock your door right when you get back home—there's a serial killer on the loose y'know.

_T sighs_

_Outside…_

_view of Banzai and Ed, Banzai none-too-happily cleaning his car while Ed stands off, distracted and at the same time fully attentive—his usual self_

Banzai: What did I say about eating in the car, Ed? _Ed giggles for no particular reason and goes about his business, chewing on the porch's railing; T comes out with her hands in her pockets just as Banzai drags out about 20 year's worth of fast-food packaging, the skeleton of some dead animal…and a bloody tire iron which he quickly puts back, then sees T exiting the house_ What's eatin' you?

T: _shrug_ Nuka dressed like a serial killer and nearly burned the house down.

Banzai: _trying to pull something else from under the seat_ That's nice. _grunts and heaves out something meat-ish and moldy, T grimaces and Ed stares with a tongue hanging out_ I was wonderin' where that was.

T: What is it?

Banzai: My last wildebeest haunch, been missin' since last week. _devours it without hesitation_

T: That's edible?

Voice offscreen: And _that's_ a burn mark! _zoom out to see Gituku smirking and pointing at T's ear._

T: When'd you get here?

Gituku: Around 23 years ago. So what's the deal? Banzai get a little overexcited with the jumper cables?

T: _stroking her singed ear_ Shenzi did this. _Banzai and Ed look stunned, even Gituku looks surprised, T tries to explain until Banzai starts to talk_

Banzai: You musta ticked her off big-time if- _All look off as a scream is heard, followed by several thumps and crashes, until Shenzi appears at the door holding Nuka by his shirt and the back of his pants, and slings him into the street; he crashes into a pair of trashcans, which clang painfully as they drop on him, one of them falling against a nearby tree, which spooks an orange cat that was stuck up there, and falls to the earth with a yowl, panicking on Nuka in a blaze of fur, claws, and girlish screaming, after a minute it scurries away as he pants for breath. When it's over he picks himself up, then slips on a half-melted ice cream cone, he falls on his back, and grunts in pain as several cyclists run over his stomach, and then a street-cleaner drives by and nearly sucks him in, he claws at the pavement, but is pulled under, muffled screaming and mild gadgetry distress is heard; Shenzi turns her aggravated attention to the others_

Shenzi: _points to Ed_ You, stop droolin' on the porch swing! _at T _You, get inside and fix dinner! _at Banzai _You, stop whining and fix the dang car!

Banzai: It just needs cleaned!

Shenzi: I said stop whining! _points to Gituku_ And YOU, get outta my neighborhood and go bug somebody else!

Gituku: _smiling_ As you wish almighty sadist! _Shenzi rolls her eyes_

Shenzi: Little pain in the- _closes door_

Banzai: _grumbling as he goes back to pulling junk out of the car_ Only reason it stopped moving is because it was weighed down with so much junk…

T: Don't take it personally, Banzai. You'd be stressed too if you thought a murderer almost set fire to your home. _Banzai says nothing but gives her a look, and points to Ed_ …Point taken.

Gituku: He can't help it T—he suffers from a severe complex.

T: Unresolved anger?

Gituku: Mexicanitis.

Banzai: _glares,_ _pulling out that bloody tire iron_ Gituku…

Gituku: _grins_ Symptoms include, but aren't limited to: spontaneous fits of anger, pretending you're cooler than everybody else, _thinking_ you're cooler than everybody else, unhealthy love of spicy foods, the hots for a chick way out of your league- _Banzai takes a swing at him, he ducks just in time_

And thinking you know SQUAT about fighting! _smirks; Banzai swings at him again, misses as Gituku seeks cover behind a tree, poking his head out_ Para Español, presione dos!

Banzai: _glances at Ed_ And he calls her sadistic… _Ed nods_

T: What're you doing here anyway?

Gituku: Came ta finish what the walking crack-baby ad interrupted yesterday. _opens car's passenger door_

Banzai: Paws off my car! _Lunges at him, Gituku side-steps him and pops the trunk; Banzai's head collides with the raised part of said trunk, and once getting up Gituku dangles the keys in front of him_

Gituku: Well that explains the smell. And why it was unlocked; only a complete idiot would do that in this neighborhood. …On second thought, I don't think this is it: was expectin' somethin' with 3 wheels and pink streamers.

Banzai: GITUKU I'M GONNA- _runs directly into the hood again, and stumbles dizzily into the trunk; Gituku slams it as a painful "GONG!" is heard, to ensure that Banzai will be nursing a large bump on his head in the near future; Ed quickly protests and is about to give Gituku a lesson in manners-_

Shenzi:_ from inside_ ED! DID YOU EAT THE TV REMOTE AGAIN? _Ed pauses, then speeds off in a puff of smoke, Gituku smirks and holds the door open for T again_

Gituku: After you.

_Minutes later…_

_Gituku is seen at the wheel, an unsure T in the passenger side, some thumping and angry noises are heard from the back of the car_

Gituku: _fiddles with the radio a moment, glancing back to the trunk_ And just for the trouble you gave me yesterday, I'm gonna blare Ricky Martin the whole way there. _Banzai can be heard shouting furiously, Gituku ignores him and turns up the radio, then looks back again with a smirk_ Missed your boyfriend, Banzai?

Banzai: _view of inside of the trunk_ I'M GONNA MAKE **YOU** MY BOYFRIEND WHEN I GET OUTTA HERE!

T: You're going to let him out soon, right?

Gituku: Eh, dunno. I got a meeting with my supplier after this and I never know when I'll need ta outrun the cops. He might just have to get comfy. _laughs again, only to see T does not find it funny_ Sheesh, it's a joke lady. What, Ice-Queen rubbing off on you already?

T: _sigh_ Can we do this another time?

Gituku: You promised me a date, and I am gonna get it. _pulls her over to his side_ Take the wheel for a sec.

T: WHAT?

Banzai: _muffled_ WHAT? _Gituku leans back and starts digging around in the back seat_

T: Gituku what the heck are you doing!

Gituku: Thought I saw a tire iron back here, could use that when I see my suppliers too.

T: _gasps as she yanks the wheel to the left, a large horn is heard, then echoes into the background_ I don't even have a license yet! _jerks it again as some mild screaming is heard, and an angry troop of girl scouts shaking their fists is seen in the back windshield _

Gituku: I never had one. _still digging_ Jeez, lotta junk back here.

T: Gituku!

Gituku: One minute. _T looks up ahead and sees a bunch of girls in the middle of the street, dressed in black and glitter, with a purple banner with numerous screen grabs and logos printed off and glue around the lettering, reading "We Love Twilight" being held by three in the middle, the "o" is a red, bloody heart…T keeps the car steady_ Dang, they oughtta do some repairs on this stretch, it's gettin' kinda bumpy. _T sighs in relief, glad that no one was hurt, until she sees a crosswalk, and the screen zooms-in dramatically to reveal it's currently occupied by a pedestrian_

T: Brake!

Gituku: Yeah. I need one one of these days…

T: _an old pedestrian_ Brake!

Gituku: It healed up pretty good, but Banzai broke my leg two years ago. Don't think you were around yet.

T: _an old, __blind__ pedestrian_ **Brake!**

Gituku: Speaking of which, hope Banzai kept his good n' lubed, otherwise we're in for one heck of a ride. Knowing the idiot it's probably just an accident waiting to happen. Aw well, can't be any uglier than he is.

T: _an old, blind pedestrian with a child leading him holding a box of puppies_ GITUKU, HIT THE BRAKE!

Gituku: Hit the brake what?

T: NOW!

Gituku: This whole "manners" thing is a one-way street, huh? _lowers his foot, stopping just inches from the still-crossing pedestrian and child, T breathes heavily, panting a moment as she calms down_ HERE it is! _comes back up with the tire iron, then looks outside_ Whoa, now that's close! _T looks like she's about to speak, until he points out the window_ That sign says we're 10 miles away! Great! Ok, I got the wheel again. _T gives him a look; in the background, a screaming street-sweeper goes by_

_2 agonizing blocks later…_

Gituku: _sees she's unhappy_ Yeah yeah I know; I didn't wanna go through the only neighborhood poorer than mine either, but it's the quickest way to get there. Here, this oughtta appease 'em. _cranks up the volume, a very loud Ricky Martin song blares through the windows, Banzai is heard erupting in the back of the trunk _Just try not to make eye contact with the locals and we'll be fine.

T: _glaring_ It's not the locals I have to wo- _they hit a large bump and the radio shorts out as the car slams back to the road afterward_

Voice: Ay! Mi bebé!

T: Gituku!

Gituku: Hey, they should know better than to let kids play in the street! Something dangerous could happen.

T: _as Banzai is heard screaming even angrier and louder_ Like you running over them?

Gituku: Exactly! Guys like me don't care about safety, all we wanna do is get where we're goin', and we don't give two snots about anything else on the road. So sue me if some immigrants can't afford to put little Pedro in the hospital. They shoulda thought 'a that befo- _a second large bump_

T: GITUKU!

Gituku: Now that time, _he_ ran into _us_. _the car begins to bounce slightly_

T: What's happening!

Gituku: _looks out the window_ Aw crap. _comes back in_ There's a fat Mexican kid caught under the tire! Got a hacksaw? Maybe I can get him off.

_Meanwhile, a few blocks up…_

_view of street-cleaner as Nuka is thrown from the spiraling underside, he flies into a street pole, but is otherwise ok, he gets up wobbly and examines himself_

Nuka: _throwing his fists in the air_ I'M OKA- _the car smashes into him, leaving him in a painful heap on the street as a bloody Hispanic child twitches on top of him_

Gituku: Oh, never mind, we lost 'em.

T: _irate_ Gituku, I want you to stop RIGHT… _it suddenly slows to a halt_

Gituku: _rolls eyes_ Shoulda seen that coming. _glances to the rear_ Hey Banzai, your hunk-a-junk broke down on us!

T: _glances at the indicators above the wheel_ What's that light mean?

Gituku: _shrugs_ I dunno. _T opens the glove compartment and gets a manual_ Whoa, this ain't stolen? Guess Banzai's gettin' too fancy for us now. _She ignores him, reads the pamphlet, and her eyes widen with horror_

T: Gituku! That says the temperature's too hot!

Gituku: So?

Banzai: _viewed inside the trunk_ …Ya mean there really was somethin' wrong with it?

T: You were driving too fast! It's probably the reason we're broke down in the middle of the street.

Gituku: You always this fun? _glances out the window_ Hey, we're here! _T gets out to see a restaurant one block ahead_ Nice place, huh?

T: We can let Banzai out now, right? _the car spontaneously combusts, T gasps_

Gituku: _looking up _At least the abandoned building we parked next to didn't fall on 'im. _the abandoned building they parked next to falls down on him, T quickly runs forward to pull the debris away, but Gituku has her by the hand_

T: He needs help!

Gituku: _glancing off_ Huh, it's right next to the drive-in. Bet this place gets a lot more business since that opened up.

T: _trying to pull away_ Gituku we have to see if Banzai's ok!

Gituku: He's fine, the guy lives with pain T; walking, talking, man-hating pain. He's used to it. _as if to prove his point, at that moment Banzai gasps as he heaves himself from the wreckage; Gituku smirks, and leads her towards the restaurant_

Banzai: _glaring at Gituku as he claws his way from underneath the rubble_ Oh sure, nobody help me! _stumbles head-first into asphalt, he curses and shakes it off_ I'm just fine!

Gituku: _not glancing back but smirking again_ If you say so.

* * *

Writer: Sir we're ready to start filming again. _Glances around studio_ …Sir? _Cut to view of employee lounge, which is actually a small concrete room of an old couch, a microwave, and a coffee maker, it is filled with several employees_ Anybody seen the director?

Several stagehands: No. _the writer makes his way back to the studio where several cast members are amusing themselves while they wait for the filming to start; Simba and Nala are toying playfully with one of the boiling geysers; the camera cuts to Timon and Pumbaa but that scene is quickly shot out, as if cut from the reel; Mufasa, Sarabi and Sarafina are chatting amongst themselves; the trio are about to eat Zazu until they see him coming; everyone halts in their activities as they see him approach_

Writer: Has anybody seen the director?

Cast: No. _the writer sighs and goes back the way he came, the cast exchange glances before going about their business_

_Cut to view outside studio, we see the director slouched against the wall, a dull look on his face, a lit cigarette in one hand, the writer comes out the studio door, and sees him_

Writer: Sir, there you are! _Runs up to him_ We're ready to begin filming again.

Director: _takes a puff long enough to get any die-hard anti-smokers incensed,_ _keeping his gaze unchanged and away_ What for? My career's sinking into the gutter because I happened to hire some demanding cast members, half my stage crew was eaten, and I'm up to my ears in debt and lawsuits. And _off_ set, my house is still in ruin, my marriage is falling apart-

Writer: Your marriage is affected by this?

Director: Turns out the wife was having an affair with the pool-boy who came only on Friday nights, I was wondering why the schedule was so odd… _takes another awkward puff _You know while I was passed out last night in a drunken depression over the slow bombing of my career and the destruction of my house I had an unfavorable dream about the future. …I don't know what a 'Belieber' is, I just really don't want to be one when it happens. Worst of all: my Disney lawyer has died. _stamps out cigarette and sighs, the writer looks off awkwardly, unsure for words…suddenly the director's beeper goes off, he glances at it unenthusiastically_ Disney wants me to call them… _goes to a payphone and dials_ It's me…the man directing your 32nd full-length animated feature film…the one Mr. Mouse checked up on awhile back…the one with the all-animal cast…_sighs_ the one you said to call at 9:40 a.m. …Yes _that_ one. Sure, I'll h-…what? …Yeah my lawyer died recently. …Compensation? What the heck is that?

_A few minutes later…_

_The director bursts through the door happily, the writer right behind him_

Director: Good news everyone! Disney's provided me with a new lawyer; so once again I can take charge of this studio with an iron fist!

Writer: What about Mittens?

Director: What's a mittens? _Claps hands_ Ok, places people! Or I'll have you all converted into 'Belieber's' when this is over! _Everyone in the studio gives him a funny look_

Writer: Just go with it.

Director: _with newfound confidence and gusto_ I need wildebeests, where are those wildebeests?

Female stagehand: _pointing off-screen_ There they are, sir. _they see a large trailer being backed into the studio, with several heads poking out_

Director: _surprised_ That's it? How're we supposed to make it seem like a huge stampede if they only sent in one cartful of- _the lock on the gate suddenly breaks and hundreds of cramped wildebeests come gushing out, straight into the director, about 10 straight seconds go by of nothing but a gray blur and the sounds of hoofs hitting the floor, before all goes quiet, and the director is found pummeled into the concrete with dozens of hooveprints on him_

Writer: _immediately picking him up_ Are you ok, sir?

Director: _surprisingly still in a good mood_ 'Course not! But who would be after 15 tons of grazing animal has just been unleashed on them? That's why the evil plan in this scene works so well. Now, where is Scar?

Writer: Scar?

Director: Yes, Scar, where is he?

Writer: _reluctantly_ Um…the background painter?

Director: That's Lars.

Writer: The plumbing repairman?

Director: No, that's Carlos.

Writer: _Oh_, you mean the tattoo parlor down the street.

Director: No, that's "Scars N' Stripes Forever"!

Writer: The janitor?

Director: Oh c'mon! _His_ name is Steven! I'm talking about Scar! Y'know—big ego, dark mane, can't control his fits of vanity or malevolence.

Shenzi: Oh for Pete's sake—he's late! He's not here. There, somebody had to say it…

Director: …He's late.

Writer: U-um, sir, I know how you're feeling, and there's no reason we can't-

Director: He's late when he knows we're well behind schedule…

Writer: Sir, listen, um, maybe we can just round up the wildebeest until he gets here.

Director: He's LATE, AND FOR ONE OF THIS OWN SCENES! DOES HE THINK WE CAN AFFORD TO LAY AROUND ALL DAY, WHAT IS HE DOING THAT'S SO IMPORTANT ANYWAY?

Shenzi: Said somethin' about meeting up with Hades and Jafar for a malt.

Director: …HE'S A LION! LIONS ARE CARNIVOROUS!

Shenzi: Yeah, weird ain't it? _the director looks as though he's going to burst a vein_

_Cut to view of Scar aside Jafar and Hades at a local eatery_

Iago: What is this? _picks up a soggy lettuce leaf dripping with some kind of sauce_ I asked for no dressing, extra croutons and they give me this slop! _flings it away…direct into Jafar's face _I swear! What's a guy gotta do to get a little service around here, huh? _without remorse Jafar zaps him with his staff, he falls to the ground naked and burned to a crisp_

Jafar: It's bad enough I had to endure an entire film with the nuisance _lifts a mug to his lips_ now they want a sequel all about him.

Hades: _groans_ Just wait'll they grab you with the TV series. I can see that happening after the film release.

Scar: Shame the lengths they'll go to make a small profit. A pity we're forced to demean ourselves by associating with their like.

Hades: _grunts in annoyance_ You shoulda seen the pair I got stuck with—I could skew a marshmallow on one and roast it over the other. _torches his own mug_ They can never make it hot enough for me…

Jafar: _examining his staff_ If not for this luxury I might've not been able to keep my sanity throughout the whole experience. It's saved me many a night of rehearsing with that feathered fiasco.

Hades: Always good to get away from the ball and chain. To get mine off my back I made 'em get a day job.

Jafar: Surprised you've managed to elude yours this afternoon Scar.

Scar: _smirking_ Surprised? You insult me. I'm the lead villain, I can do whatever I want.

Hades: A loose cannon with class, I like that. _all three turn abruptly as the roof completely blows off from the Lion King's studio_

_A few minutes later…_

_Scar is seen entering the set_

Scar: Couldn't help but observe the explosion. Did Ed get into the janitor's closet again?

Director: YOU! _we see the studio is a mess around him—everything within a 2-foot radius is either charred, stunned, both, or very close; the director is_ _seething_ So help me if you don't get up on that set RIGHT NOW I will send you to a dark and cruel place where only evil and dial-up internet can thrive!

Scar: _taking his place_ Temper, temper…

Director: Quiet on the set!

Employee: You're the only one making noise.

Director: I said QUIET!

Stagehand: _holding up a marker, labeling reads: Hollywood Production: Awful; Director: Iz uh Doophus; Camera: Badly in need of repairs; Date: 7 on Friday sound nice?; Scene: Expected to be emotionally painful; Take: Whatever you can get, we recommend the coconut shrimp…_ Stampede, take-

Director: _getting up from his chair_ Wait a minute, _grabs marker, _what's this?

Stagehand: A marker?

Director: Read the print!

Stagehand: It says Stam…oh…oh my, I-I-I'm sorry, I don't know how that happened.

Director: Just fix it and let's get this over with. It's a scene involving all our main villains so you _know_ there's gonna be trouble!

Another stagehand: Here's a replacement!

Director: Great. Trash the tampered one.

Stagehand: Too bad, I bet this'll be worth a mint someday on the internet… _throws it away and walks back on set _Stampede, take 1! _claps marker_

_Cut to view overlooking gorge, slowly zooming in_

Writer: Uh, sir?

Director: _hushed voice_ Not now, we're rolling!

Writer: But, it's about the staff.

Director: What about 'em?

Writer: Well…they were eaten.

Director: _scoffs_ I knew that.

Writer: No, I mean they were _all_ eaten.

Director: _starts_ Everybody?

Writer: Down to just you, me, a stage manager, and the marker guy.

Director: HOW? I just saw-

Writer: Yeah, eaten the minute you turned your back. They just finished picking off the scraps left over. A good portion of them were devoured whilst you were in your office at the time and I tried to get you out to deal with the situation, but you were too immersed in your online role pl-

Director: So that's it!

Writer: It was awful, Ed attacked me with a chainsaw…

Director: All my staff, crew and stagehands have been eaten?

Writer: Pretty much.

Director: _tears the script in anger_ First Scar puts us even further behind schedule and now this! I'm surprised Bambi even made it to theatres!

Writer: Well, a couple of the cast did have guns. _glances back to see the only two employees left getting dangerously close to the hyena section of the catering table_

Stage Manager: Be careful now, ya don't wanna anger our only villainess cast member.

Marker Guy: Wow, is she really that scary?

Banzai: Scary? She'll rip your heart out with her bare claws, eat it, then say she did it 'cause the caterer kept 'er waiting!

Scar: I don't find her a lethal threat, though I do recommend against anyone rousing her anger—that is unless you're a suicidal masochist who enjoys the sensation of having one's legs torn off and skewered through their small intestine.

Random lioness: _scoffs_ That's more exaggerative than- _Shenzi shows up and tears her heart out with her claws, the lioness collapses, dead and bleeding severely from the chest region, Shenzi tosses her heart into her mouth and gulps it down. One of the lionesses' co-stars rushes to her side, then looks at Shenzi_

Second lioness: Why would you do this?

Shenzi: Her liver was out of reach.

Director: And YOU: your little posse devoured my entire stage crew! Well no more! No more excessive budget-spending over cosmetics! No more bribing witnesses to keep quiet after a civilian dies! No more unneeded song numbers!

Shenzi: Song numbers are needed?

Director: Remember when I mentioned for somebody to remind me to lock up the villains when we're not using them?

Writer: I think so.

Director: Well, _bolts up from his chair _**NOBODY REMINDED ME**! So now I'm doing what I should've done, and from now on this is a solely-protagonist movie!

Writer: Don't we kind of um, _need_ the antagonists for this scene?

Director: It's starting a stampede, how difficult can it be?

Writer: But won't they be upset?

Director: _oblivious to Ed and a few other hyenas in the background, cornering the frightened stage manager then pouncing on and devouring him_ They're villains—they're about as feeling as a wet turnip.

Scar: _melodramatically_ Yet if you prick us, do we not bleed? And yet if you prick us, do you not bleed all the more?

Director: LOCK 'EM UP!

_A few minutes later_…

_Cut to view overlooking gorge, slowly zoom in to view of Simba, walking up to a rock loomed over by a small tree_

Simba: _glances at camera_ Now?

Director: Now! Yes, now!

Simba: _looks at rock_ Oh, look, a rock. This looks like a good place to sit while I wait for my father to arrive with whatever surprise he has in store for me today. I will sit on it now. _sits…and waits awkwardly_

Director: _hissing_ What're you waiting for? Get up there and start that stampede. _The writer stumbles and runs to the back of the set_

Simba: _puts a paw to his ear_ Oh, I think I hear a rumbling noise. I sure hope it's not a stampede… _a few more awkward moments of nothing_

Director: …What's taking him so long? _the only stagehand left comes up_

Marker Guy: Um, sir, the writer had a little difficulty getting the stampede started…

Director: Difficulty how?

Marker Guy: Well instead of running away from him they're taking turns stomping their names into him…

Director: _sigh_ Ok, go to plan B.

_We flash-forward to the scene where Mufasa's dead body is shown and Simba is sobbing over it…actually it's painfully obvious he's not feeling it at all_

Simba: Oh no, I have killed my father. What will my mother think? _Sarabi awkwardly walks on set_

Sarabi: Simba, what happened? Why is your father immobilized on the ground?

Simba: I can't bring myself to tell you I killed him by accident. _begins to walk off-screen_

Sarabi: Where are you going? Who will Nala annoy Zazu with?

Simba: Out of tremendous guilt I will forever leave the Pridelands to meander the wilderness as an outcast, a deserving fate for a murderer like me…

Director: Oh my gosh… **WE'RE AT A **_**LOSS**_** WITHOUT THE VILLAINS**!

Simba: It _is_ pretty weird to try and act this scene without them.

Sarabi: I'm afraid to wonder what you were thinking when you thought this could work.

Director: _gets hysterical_ Oh somebody, bring them out! We need our antags! Without them there's no story! Why, _**why**_ did I ever lock them up in the first place? _Someone taps him on the shoulder; he looks back and starts at seeing Shenzi, Banzai, Scar and Ed grinning_

Scar: _holding his paw out to Shenzi_ I believe you owe me a sum of 20 dollars, now.

Shenzi: ACTUALLY, you bet that he would cave for us in the first five minutes. _I_ bet that he would cave in the first 4 ½. You owe me. _smirks as Scar begrudgingly hands her a bill_

Director: OH THANK DISNEY YOU'RE BACK! Please, please, on the set! _cackling the 4 take their places, the director sighs in relief_

Simba: This kinda reminds me of an episode of the Simpsons.

Timon: Hey, aren't you too young to watch that kind of programming?

Simba: Not if the V-chip doesn't stop me.

Timon: _grins_ I'm gonna like working with this kid.

Nala: …When did the Simpsons cut out the entire cast of their villains?

Director: Ok everybody, problem solved!

Simba: Getting our bad guys back?

Director: No, I just discovered a new method of legal torture: _takes out a cassette_ popular boy bands. Now unless you want me to put on this tape of Boyz II Men, I suggest everybody-

Stagehand: Stampede, take 2! _claps marker_

_Cut to view overlooking gorge, slowly zoom in to view of Scar with Simba, they're walking up to a rock loomed over by a small tree_

Scar: Now you wait here, your father has a marvelous surprise for you.

Simba: Ooh, what is it?

Scar: _smirking_ It's whatever you want it to be if you stay on this rock long enough.

Simba: Is it food?

Scar: No.

Simba: Is it a party?

Scar: No.

Simba: Well those are the only two things I like that I can think of.

Scar: Ah, and that's the craftiness of it Simba—this surprise is so good you'll never see it coming.

Simba: Wow.

Scar: _grins_ Now, you stay put and-

Director: SCAR!

Scar: Oh alright, alright. _frowns_

Stagehand: Stampede, take 3! _claps marker_

Scar: Now you wait here, your father has a marvelous surprise for you.

Simba: Ooh, what is it?

Scar: It's whatever you want it to be if you stay on this rock long enough—you're a good cub, Heaven will have _something_ to occupy you…

Director: I'm not playing games here!

Scar: Neither am I, death is a very serious matter sir, and given your current situation, I'd expect you'd be more sensitive about it. Have you spoken to the man upstairs lately?

Director: Your henchmen ate him. Next take!

Stagehand: Stampede, take 4! _claps marker_

Simba: Ooh, what is it?

Scar: _as Simba gets on the rock_ If I told you my evil plan wouldn't work, now would-

Director: _looking around _Where'd we put those dart guns?

Scar: Such a pity the villains are the only ones here with a sense of humor as well.

Stagehand: Stampede, take 5! _claps marker_

Simba: Ooh, what is it?

Scar: _as Simba gets on the rock_ If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it?

Simba: If you tell me, I promise dad won't know.

Shenzi: I think he'll be the next to find out.

Director: Wrong lines, kid. Shenzi, you're not in this scene…in this _part_ of the scene. Next take!

Stagehand: Stampede, take 6! _claps marker_

Simba: If you tell me, I'll ask the director to give you an extra 10 during lunch break.

Director: Wrong lines, and not even if my life depended on it.

Zazu: From the way those hyenas are staring at you it just might…

Director: That's what you're for, birdie-boy.

Zazu: What?

Director: Next take!

Stagehand: Take 7! _claps marker_

Simba: If you tell me, then I won't tell dad it was you and the hyenas who snuck that dye-bomb in his lunch.

Banzai: I _toldja_ he saw us!

Shenzi: An' no use making bribery out of it now—you just announced it to the whole studio.

Scar: That was no dye-bomb. Are you color blind? That was clearly liquid ni- _sees Mufasa glowering at him_ I believe it would be best to go onward.

Simba: Sorry about all the mistakes Uncle Scar.

Scar: Oh, quite alright. In fact if you make any more I'll arrange a private rehearsal for you and Ed while all those pesky security officers are off premises.

Stagehand: Stampede, take 8! _claps marker_

Simba: If you tell me, I'll still _act_ surprised.

Scar: Ho-ho-ho, you _are_ such a naughty boy!

Director: _rolling his eyes_ This is why some people think you're a pedophile.

Scar: _as if he were still acting_ No, no, no, no, no, no, no; that was in the script.

Director: Yeah ri- _glances at script_ Uh… _Scar smirks, the director sighs_ Just don't botch it up with something we'll be getting angry letters about.

Writer: Couldn't we just put them in everybody's food like we always do?

Cast: Huh?

Director: Next take!

Stagehand: Take 11! _claps marker_

Scar: Ho-ho-ho, you _are_ such a naughty boy! But I'm sure it can't hold a wet candle to the director's juvenile years.

Director: Scar, I'm going to-

Scar: This is the 90's sir, dial-up internet won't be considered "evil" for quite some time. For now, it's merely a speed bump on the information s-

Director: Yeah, yeah, yeah, save the puns for the meerkat and get on with the scene.

Stagehand: Take 12! _claps marker_

Scar: Ho-ho-ho, you _are_ such a naughty boy!

Director: _bolting from his chair_ THAT'S…what I wanted. _clears throat_ As you were.

Simba: _pouts and starts to push on his chest_ C'mon Uncle Scar, you said if I was quiet about that human leg I saw in Ed's mouth you'd make it up to me.

Director: _taking out a pencil and notepad_ In whose mouth now?

Scar: _covering Simba's head on purpose as he pretends to ruffle his fur_ Oh never mind him, you know cubs, always making the worst of situations.

Director: You're thinking of lawyers, and mine will be happy to-

Scar: I forgot to mention Jafar sent all the security guards into a temporarily paralysis until this scene is over. It's a favor he owed me from concealing that beetle-thing in my dressing room until he could pick it up.

Director: …Next take. _pulls out cell phone_ Hello Disney, how much would it cost to hire a professional body guard against potentially violent cast members? …Dangit. _puts phone away_

Stagehand: Take 13! _claps marker_

Simba: _pouts and starts to push on his chest_ C'mon Uncle Scar…

Scar: _looks away_ No, no, no, no, no, no, no _looks back_ this is just for you and your daddy. _looks disinterested_ Y'know, always easier to clean up one mess than two.

Simba: The hyenas ate the cleaning crew too?

Director: They DID? THAT **DOES** IT! All of 'em: fi-!

Shenzi: Yup, a bunch of starving hyenas who'd be happy to make a meal out of anybody in sight.

Director: …Just get on with it. _looks around_ And where's the writer?

Marker Guy: Last I saw him he was getting scraped off the set.

Director: Oh, perfect, that guy finds this all a big joke, doesn't he? He just lazes around getting scraped off of things like he owns the place! Well remind me to dock his health insurance once he comes back.

Marker Guy: What health insurance? We didn't even get real contracts.

Director: Just clap the thing!

Stagehand: Take 14! _claps the thing_

Scar: _looks away_ No, no, no, no, no, no, no _looks back_ this is just for you and your daddy. _looks disinterested_ Y'know, a sort of father-son…thing. _gets cheerful again and starts to walk off_ Well, I better go get him.

Simba: _gets off the rock and follows_ I'll go with you!

Scar: _turns around and stops him_ N-! _they bonk heads loudly, everybody off-camera erupts in laughter as Scar roars in pain and Simba is thrown to the other side of the set_

Director: Well that was a head-on collision waiting to happen.

Simba: _rubbing his head as his head pops up from behind the rock, a small chameleon climbing onto it from a branch_ Then why'd you put it in!

Director: _smirk_ Let's just say the enjoyment Scar gets from seeing me in pain is completely mutu- _sees lizard as it walks up to his chair _…Hey little guy, where'd you come from?

Writer: _showing up with many a hoof-mark on his person_ Oh, he must've been in with the extras. I'll send him back.

Director: _ignoring him_ I shall call him Norman! And sadly he might be the most interesting character on screen.

Writer: This scene doesn't call for any reptiles.

Director: _letting Norman climb along his arm_ Maybe it could; I'm positive we can fit him in somewhere. Oh and, by the way, your health coverage is docked.

Writer: …I just got trampled.

Director: And while you were doing that we were busy _not_ engaging in risky activity.

Writer: Seriously, I think I have a concussion.

Director: Next take!

Writer: _grumbling_ Hundreds of names Indian-burned on me…

Stagehand: Take 15! _claps marker_

Scar: _turns around and stops him_ NO! Hehehe, no. _backs Simba back onto the rock_ Just, stay on this rock. _falsely concerned_ You wouldn't want to end up in another mess like you did with the hyenas…

Simba: _surprised_ You know about that?

Scar: _somewhat patronizing_ Simba, everybody knows about that.

Simba: _sinking down out of embarrassment_ Really?

Scar: Oh yes. _smirks_ Lucky for you there were plenty of staff members in between you, eh?

Director: Sc-…wait, what?

Writer: _sigh_ That was another incident that happened while you were in your office. Only _this_ time when I tried to retrieve you, you said you were having a moment and exploded for me to get out.

Director: _appears horrified_ U-um, next take!

Simba: But what-

Director: NEXT TAKE!

Stagehand: Take 16! _claps marker_

Scar: Oh yes. _smirks_ Lucky daddy was there to save you, eh? Oh, and just between us, _pulls his nephew close…and whispers inaudibly_

Director: I never thought I'd say this, but you're not loud enough Scar. …Scar, did you hear me? …Are you even saying your lines?

Simba: Oh, ok… _Scar smirks as he walks off, Simba glances at the director_ Hey director guy, how'd you find my mom's missing copy of "My Girl"?

Director: What? I don't-! It was- …Go to next take! _can be seen wiping a tear from his eye_

Stagehand: Take 17! _claps marker_

Simba: _sinking down out of embarrassment_ Really?

Scar: Oh yes. _smirks_ Lucky daddy was there to save you, eh? Oh, and just between us, _pulls his nephew close…and whispers inaudibly_

Director: I'm in no mood Scar-

Marker Guy: You look like you're in one to me.

Simba: Hey director guy!

Director: _turning away from the Marker Guy_ What?

Simba: _excited_ Guess what just happened!

Director: _confused_ …Whatever it is, if it has anything to do wi- _dozens of wildebeests are seen headed his way, he leaps to safety, but unfortunately somebody else isn't so lucky…_

Writer: _coming out of the copier room_ Sir, I just finished printing up the script for the next- _he is trampled a second time_

Director: _sighs_ I'm having horrible writer's block today. _looks off-screen_ Hey, somebody get the paramedics on duty!

Marker Guy: There are no paramedics, the hyenas ate them too.

Director: Great…you mean I have to patch this guy up myself?

Marker Guy: I wouldn't recommend it.

Director: You're right. _glances back to the cast on the hamster wheel_ Where's that monkey?

_One…holistic medical experience later…_

Director: So, how'dya feel? _view of Writer standing awkwardly in numerous splints and covered in scuffs and bruises—his face has red berry juice markings on it_

Writer: Like I-

Director: That's nice. On with the show!

Stagehand: Take 18! _claps marker_

Scar: Oh yes. _smirks_ Lucky daddy was there to save you, eh? Oh, and just between us, _pulls his nephew close_ you might want to work on that little roar of yours, hmm?

Simba: Oh. Ok… _still smiling, Scar lets go of his nephew and starts to walk off, until Simba gets a look of anticipation on his face_ Hey Uncle Scar! _Scar stops_ Will I like the surprise?

Scar: _turns around _NO! …Hehehe, no. …Uh, wait a minute.

Director: _sigh_ A really good time to run out of Amitryptiline…

Stagehand: Take 19! _claps marker_

Scar: _looking back with an "excited" grin_ Simba, it's to **die** for. _we see a part of the film flicker unexpectedly for a second time, but it sorts itself to reveal an overhead view of Scar walking off; a bird calls in the distance as the camera slowly scales up the tall, steep cliff edge to finally overlook a massive body of grazing wildebeests; cut to close up of one of the herbivores, slowly zoom in to see hyena trio…absent; the director gapes_

Director: WHERE THE HECK ARE THOSE HYENAS?

_View of a fast-food restaurant, inside, a certain henchman is seen operating the drive-thru and another at the deep-fryer_

Pain: Welcome to Burger Korp., where you pay us to clog your arteries, how may I take your order? _presses several buttons_ So that's two Sappy Meals, a large Thunder-Thigh Fry, one medium Neck-meat Nachos and a small Ed You Moron Get Us Back To The Studio. _looks at his companion_ Didja get all that, Panic?

Panic: _gives a thumbs up_ I'm on it!

Pain: _glances back_ Anything else? _inquisitive laughter is heard over static, along with two irate voices repeatedly yelling for someone to get them back to the studio now_ We have Love-Handles Lemonade, Diabetes Diet Soda, Mumbo Jumbo Dentistry Bill Milkshake, Stick-to-my-teeth Smoothies and Sick-to-my-stomach Slurries. _listens _One large Mumbo Jumbo Dentistry Bill Milkshake coming up.

_Back at the studio-_

Writer: Riiiiight. Well, when you're ready to come back to sanity-

Director: I don't need no stinking sanity, I'VE GOT **POWER!** POWER I WILL USE TO EUTHANIZE THOSE HYENAS IF THEY'RE NOT BACK IN-! _car crashes through studio door, Ed guffaws as he gets out of the driver's seat, drooling over a brown paper bag he holds in his mouth; Shenzi woozily gets out of the passenger's side while Banzai rushes to the nearest trashcan and pukes_ WHERE'VE YOU THREE BEEN? YOU PUT US 15 MORE MINUTES BEHIND SCHEDULE!

Writer: Um, they just crashed through one of the studio doors.

Director: I don't care so long as it's not my car! _Ed cackles cynically_

Stagehand: Take 20! _claps marker_

Scar: _looking back with an "excited" grin_ Simba, it's to **die** for. _Overhead view of Scar walking off, a bird calls in the distance, slowly scale up the tall, steep cliff edge to finally overlook a massive body of grazing wildebeests; cut to close up of one of the herbivores just as a stomach gurgles, slowly zoom in to see hyena trio_

Shenzi: Shut up!

Banzai: _whining slightly_ Can't help it. I'm so hungry, _bolts to all fours_ I gotta have a wildebeest! _One of the wildebeests immediately looks up_

Wildebeest #1: What was that! _wildebeest beside it looks around, its gaze lands directly on where the trio are standing_

Wildebeest #2: _gasps_ Hyenas! _the wildebeests immediately go into a panic, knocking each other over, trampling some elderly as well as staff, and go into a premature stampede_

Director: _bolting upright_ CUT! CUT! CUUUUUUUT! _surprisingly, the wildebeest come to a halt, right before the director can call the men with the dart guns on set_ You're supposed to start the stampede AFTER the hyenas show themselves; you don't look for them! You're completely oblivious that they're there!

Wildebeest #3: If we don't run they'll eat us!

Director: Not in this scene they won't, they're paid to simply nip at your heels.

Random hyena: _to the one beside him_ The temptation must be INTENSE. _he nods_

Director: Any _other_ scene, I can't be held responsible for what happens. Besides it's the _fall_ you all have to worry about.

Wildebeest: #2: We're gonna fall?

Director: Not if you do it right. Places everyone!

Stagehand: Take 21! _claps marker_

Banzai: _whining slightly_ Can't help it. I'm so hungry, _bolts to all fours_ I gotta have a wildebeest!

Shenzi: _firmly_ Stay put.

Banzai: But…can't I just pick off one 'a the little sick ones?

Shenzi: _gives him a look_ The little sick ones? _glances at Ed _'Scuse me fo' puttin' it this way Ed _glances back at Banzai_ but are you crazy? _they see a shaky juvenile wildebeest, clearly emaciated, making a sound of distress, clumsily walking across the screen_ You wanna eat that, when we got catering comin' here in not a half hour? What, ya can't wait 5 seconds for some of the non-little-sick-ones ta crash at the bottom n' break a few legs?

Director: SHE WAS JUST KIDDING EVERYBODY! _laughs nervously_ You know how those hyenas love their dark humor… _glares at her and clenches his teeth_ The only way this scene can progress is if those wildebeest muster up the guts to get over that cliff. And if they can't do that you and the walking stomach over there-

Shenzi: Yeah, yeah, I know how tranquilizing works.

Banzai: Shenzi-

Shenzi: No! _the two cringe back slightly before she looks around_ We wait for the signal from Scar.

Director: I didn't say 'action'!

Shenzi: Does anybody care at this point? _general agreement from the rest of the studio; the director grumbles petulantly_

Director: Should've directed Pocahontas; 'No' I said, 'it's a girls' movie' I said, 'Working will lions will be so much cooler' I said. I didn't sign up to be a ringleader!

Shenzi: Is that right? Looks like you've got the waistband of one.

Director: And in this corner… _red in the face_ OUR NEXT TAKE!

Shenzi: No! _the two cringe back slightly before she looks around_ We wait for the signal from Scar. _Banzai groans and fidgets, paces, and even knocks Ed a few times to pass the time—Ed of course bouncing back unscathed…finally Banzai can't take it anymore_

Banzai: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! _lunges into the herd, on the verge of starting a panic, unfortunately he rams into Scar who was just making it up the hillside and the two each go falling off the cliff, of the set, and into the back of the props truck_

Driver: That the last of it?

Stagehand: Yup, _thumbs up_ that's all. _Driver tips his hat and takes the truck elsewhere, had he looked in his rearview mirror he would've seen the writer calling for him to come back and the director having a meltdown, strangling the stagehand that let him get away as a few random animals pull him off_

_2 days later…_

_A search party is seen scouting near a local landfill area, on the very perimeter an unconscious Banzai and Scar are seen lying on a heap of badly-damaged and unsanitary-looking aluminum cans_

Search Party Scout #1: Hey, it's those 2 missing cast members.

Search Party Scout #2: Think we should take 'em to the boss?

Search party scout #1: Eh, they prob'ly just wants the white guy. _they drag Scar off and leave Banzai_

_Two __more__ days later…_

_Banzai and Scar are seen in a hospital room, confined to two beds alongside each other_

Banzai: At least they got you! I had to wonder 2 more days before anybody saw me!

Scar: Oh yes, being dragged face-first through the gravel—how delightful!

Director: I can't tell who's more annoying; the Mexican or the British.

Banzai and Scar: I heard that!

Director: Well, hope you enjoy your stay because you're both due back on set first thing tomorrow! _glances at their trays, before swiping a carton off Banzai's_

Banzai: Hey!

Director: Oh pipe down, they'll just bring you a new one. _he and the writer exit the room_

Writer: You do know that's meant for guys like him, don't you?

Director: So? _opens carton_ A guy has to break his leg to get a decent meal around here?

Writer: No, I mean- _the director pours it in his mouth…before pausing, and spewing it onto his shoes_

Director: Aw perfect! These were brand-new!

Writer: _puzzled_ You moan about budget cuts and pay docks and you go out and buy new shoes?

Director: What the heck is this? _glances at the label: "Carbs for Carnivores—a nutritious mix that ensures a speedy recovery"_

Writer: Told you.

Voice off-screen: YOU MONSTER! _they glance off screen to see an angry man pushing an angry woman in a hospital gown in a wheelchair_

Director: Uh…pardon me?

Mother: Do you have any idea where you're standing! _the director and writer glance back and see a sign above them marked "Maternity Ward", below that is a large window showing a room full of newborns_ I was about to take a picture of my beautiful baby boy, but instead I got a photograph of you puking on your shoes! _shows photograph of the director bent-over with some revolting substance on his shoes _How's THIS going to look in his baby book?

Director: A whole lot better if you did something about the red-eye. _Writer starts to pull him away_

Writer: I'm sorry m'am, we were just leaving now.

Another voice: Not so fast! _they glance away to see two wildebeests marching in their direction_

Wildebeest #1: MY son was one of the stampeders in your movie, but he fell off a cliff and broke his ankle!

Wildebeest #2: What kind of a studio director has his stampeders go _downhill_?

Wildebeest: #1: They say they'll have to shoot him!

Director: Uh, contracts state we are not responsible for any acci-

Wildebeest #1: And it was all because he tripped over YOU! _points at writer; he and the director gaze off awkwardly_

Director: Caught between a post-partum aggression rock and a horned hard place…only when working for Disney. _glancing at writer_ So…see ya at work tomorrow?

Writer: Right… _each run off-screen_

_Cut to the next day on set, everybody's looking well-exhausted, even the cast that weren't in the scene yesterday_

Shenzi: _whacks Banzai_ That's in case you get anymore ideas.

Director: Ac-!

Shenzi: _firmly_ Stay put.

Banzai: But…can't I just pick off one 'a the little sick ones?

Shenzi: No! _the two cringe back slightly before she looks around_ We wait for the signal from Scar.

_view of Scar looming over cliff with a menacing smile_ There he is. _cut back to trio_ Let's go.

Director: Cut!

Shenzi: _irritated_ WHAT?

Director: Question…what's with the face?

Shenzi: What face?

Director: The one you just made 5 seconds ago.

Shenzi: I didn't make any face—I talked like I always do.

Director: So, every time you say "Let's go", you look like you have indigestion?

Shenzi: You might be havin' indigestion once I stuff that megaphone down your neck!

Director: Eh-heh…how 'bout we just keep rolling and forget I even butted in?

Shenzi: Good boy.

Director: Next take!

_Meanwhile, view of Simba sulking on the rock_

Simba: Little roar, puh! _a chameleon is seen climbing off a plant and onto the rock, Simba sees it and tries to scare it with a cubbish growl…it doesn't work so he tries again, and again, finally sneaks up behind the chameleon, and lets out a large growl that sends it fleeing, the minute roar echoing in the distance; he listens to it, proudly…until he hears a strange "click"-ing sound, he looks around, confused, until he sees the clattering pebbles at his feet; he hears a bird calling off in the distance, and looks that way—revealing a large flock over the cliff…and that's all, everything else is quiet_

Director: CUT! _looks up to the cliff_ Hello! That was your cue!

Wildebeest #1: _head poking from over the edge_ This is insane if you think we can actually run down a 90-degree angle!

Director: You're being chased by hyenas, you're all thrown into a frenzy, and the only way to escape death is to charge straight down into the gorge!

Wildebeest #2: _Escape_ death? I'd take my chances with the hyenas! And by the way I read the script: they don't even follow us down!

Director: Why would they? Their job is done. You're all an ocean of panic charging _right_ for the endangered prince. Besides it'd ruin the plan if Mufasa saw them while he and Scar were running towards the gorge. Didn't I say you'd have nothing to worry about if you did it right?

Wildebeest #2: How do you run off a cliff right?

Director: You live. Now back to your positions!

Writer: Y'know what's interesting?

Director: That we've practically dug our graves and we're still going at it?

Writer: The wildebeest is sometimes called a gnu.

Director: …Wow.

Writer: I know, it's really-

Director: That wasn't interesting at all. In the least. Why get our hopes up, Writer? C'mon. Don't be a killjoy. That's Zazu's job.

Zazu: Now see here!

Director: Next take!

_Simba sneaks up behind the chameleon, and lets out a large growl that sends it fleeing, the minute roar echoes in the distance; he listens to it, proudly…until he hears a strange "click"-ing sound, he looks around, confused, until he sees the clattering pebbles at his feet; he hears a bird calling off in the distance, and looks that way—revealing a large flock over the cliff and a herd of stampeding wildebeest who…all come to a screeching halt right at the edge_

_the director_ _sighs_ Ok, I didn't wanna have to do this, but I'm giving you two choices: one, you can either have those 3 chase you off the cliff where you will safely, providing you do it right, trample your way to the bottom of the gorge. Two: I can hold you all at gunpoint. Or-

Wildebeest: That's 3 options.

Director: You can do a Christmas movie with AirBud. _the wildebeest gasp_

Wildebeest: No! No please, we'll do anything but that!

Wildebeest #2: Just let us do the scene once more! _they all head back to their positions, the trio sigh in exasperation_

Director: _smirks_ Now that's more like it. Action!

_Simba looks up from the clattering pebbles as he hears a bird call in the distance, he looks that way—revealing a large flock fleeing the cliff as the ledge of the gorge is being FLOODED with hundreds of stampeding wildebeest; close-up on Simba, horrified; rear-view of him, the screen rumbles as the herd gains distance, he turns around and __tries__ to flee…but ends up slipping and landing flat on his chin_

Everybody: Uh-oh.

_One near-death experience later…_

_View of a mad Simba and an infuriated Mufasa_

Director: _who sounds muffled_ Look on the bright side, now you can truly express the pure grief that's needed for the end of this scene.

Mufasa: If you 'truly' believe that, why have you encased yourself in a bulletproof glass cage?

_view of director in a bulletproof glass cage encasing him and his chair, a few air holes are at the top_

Director: Have I? Oh, well ain't that quirky? I suppose we'll just have to go on with the scene. And don't worry about that Jell-O on the floor, we got it all taken care of. _view of several flies crawling on the lime jell-o, Norman approaches from the right and laps up a few of the insects_ Next take!

_Simba looks up from the clattering pebbles as he hears a bird call in the distance, he looks that way—revealing a large flock fleeing the cliff as the ledge of the gorge is being FLOODED with hundreds of stampeding wildebeest; close-up on Simba, horrified; rear-view of him, the screen rumbles as the herd gains distance, he turns around and flees just as they reach where he'd been standing; view of the plain at the top of the ledge—the wildebeest continue to charge, pouring down the cliff and into the gorge; front-view of Simba fleeing again, perhaps thousands of wildebeest are trampling right behind him; overview of the field they had once been grazing in, to show the trio right at their heels, close-up of Shenzi right as she snaps at one's flank, the remainder of them head over the cliff and into the gorge, upscale view of the cliff as the last of the herd stampedes over it, and the trio are shown at the top…_

Shenzi: BANZAI YOU IDIOT, STOP! _Banzai is hungrily chasing the last wildebeest with full intent on eating it, however it side-steps him at the ledge…and he goes tumbling, Shenzi paws her face and sighs_

Director: _looking off as Banzai's scream is heard in the background_ If he dies we're still good, right? There's gotta be 20 other hyenas that look just like him!

Writer: The fans will notice.

Director: _scoff_ The hyenas having fans, that's rich.

_A few minutes later…_

Director: And this time, no goofing off! Comprende?

Shenzi: Since when is falling off a cliff goofing off?

Director: Since we work for Disney, and since we now have to do the stampede a 2nd time—great job, Banzai! _huffs and moves back to his chair_ And will somebody please put that kid out of his misery? _view of 'the little sick one' whining pathetically…it would look pitiful…if it weren't so annoying; fed up, Banzai lunges for the calf, and the director bolts to turn the camera away just as a loud cry is heard, followed by bones crunching_ Good to see everybody's happy.

Writer: What about the calf's parent?

Director: He fell and broke his ankle. Remember?

Writer: Oh yeah.

Director: Action!

_view of the plain at the top of the ledge—the wildebeest continue to charge, pouring down the cliff and into the gorge; front-view of Simba fleeing again, perhaps thousands of wildebeest are trampling right behind him; overview of the field they had once been grazing in, to show the trio right at their heels, close-up of Shenzi right as she snaps at one's flank, the remainder of them head over the cliff and into the gorge, upscale view of the cliff as the last of the herd stampedes over it,_ _and the trio are shown at the top, looking on proudly at their work; one last view of Simba running for his life, the wildebeest covering ground at a deadly rate, before cutting to Mufasa and Zazu_

Zazu: _perched on his king's shoulder_ Oh look sire; the herd is on the move.

Mufasa: _brow furrows_ Odd… _Scar quickly runs up_

Scar: _pretending to be out of breath_ Mufasa! Quick! Stampede, in the gorge, SIMBA'S DOWN THERE!

Mufasa: _horrified_ Si- _record scratching noise; dramatic music stops_

Zazu: Wouldn't it be just as easy to save him yourself if you can make the trip to run all the way over here?

Scar: It would also be as easy for you to disappear just in the nick of time for lunch.

Zazu: _groaning_ Please, do me that favor. Every bird rendezvous at the same-

Director: Zazu, we're a little pressed for time here; save your melodrama for the later part of this scene.

Zazu: YOU say that after going what I've been through!

Director: Oh c'mon, it's not like you're sharing a table with someone obnoxious.

_flashback to view of Zazu trying to eat from a bowl of purple berries with a certain parrot across from him_

Iago: _mouth full_ And so I say "And I stuff the crackers down his throat!" _laughs and slaps Zazu on the back, he falls into the bowl of berries, and comes up none too cheerfully…_

_cut back to studio_

Director: He wasn't supposed to be there anyhow, I heard from the straight-to-video production team he was ditching rehearsal.

Zazu: _face lights up_ So should he come back another time I have full liberty to-

Director: To shut up and let us finish the scene? Definitely!

Other cast members: Ouch.

Director: Get on with it!

Mufasa: _horrified_ Simba…

_cut back to Simba trying to avoid death, he looks back as the herd begins to catch up _

Director: Well, apart from the rocky start, this is going pretty well.

Writer: Not quite.

Director: Whaddya mean?

Writer: Well remember that tree he was supposed to latch onto to buy him some time?

Director: Yeah.

Writer: …He just passed it.

Director: WHAT?

Writer: Yeah and that stampede isn't getting any weaker. _He_ on the other hand…

_view of Simba panting for breath_

Director: _biting nails_ Mufasa's gonna have me on a platter when this is over!

Writer: He'd have quite a long line to wait in, sir.

Director: _bolting from his chair_ CUT!

_One avoided disaster later…_

Director: Ok, so you can see the tree alright kid? _we see Simba in the heart of a bunch of standing wildebeest, who are just waiting for their cue to continue stampeding_

Simba: _nods_ Yeah.

Director: _sigh_ Good. Let's hurry it up, we're off schedule and this cage is starting to fog up. Action!

_the stampede continues, cut to Simba trying to avoid death, he looks back as the herd begins to catch up _

Simba: _horrified_ Whoa. _soon he is caught right in the midst of them until he climbs onto a dead tree and hangs on for dear life, the herd rushing like an ocean below him; cut to Mufasa, Zazu, and Scar all speeding to the gorge, Zazu flies ahead, scouts the area, and horrifically sees something_ Zazu help-! _the hornbill flies past him_ Me…?

Director: Cut! _glances around for Zazu_ Where'd he go now!

Scar: Frankly I'm surprised—it's usually me-

Director: Yeah, yeah, you earned our hatred. Now somebody **find that bird**!

Voice off-screen: HELP!

_camera shifts to view Zazu trying his darndest to fly away from a large fan_

Zazu: I was caught in the air current! Quickly, it's going to massacre me unless someone turns it off!

Director: That'd be unfortunate, we don't get stunt-doubles until next week. _glances at writer_ …Ahem?

Writer: Oh! _quickly runs over and flips the switch on the giant fan_

Simba: Why's there a giant fan in the middle of the studio anyway?

Director: Loose lips sink ships! And pesky cubs don't get to frolic in the pyro field between scenes! _sits back in chair as Zazu lands on the ground with a heave_ You'll treat every day like a gift after this, won't you?

Zazu: I'd rather get my deposit back. _flies back to Mufasa and Scar_

Director: Action!

_cut to Mufasa, Zazu, and Scar all running to the gorge, Zazu flies ahead, scouts the area, and horrifically sees Simba clinging to a branch_

Simba: Zazu, help me!

Zazu: Your father is on the way, hold on! _Quickly flies off_

Simba: _now dangling_ Hurry!

Director: _sighing_ Well, we've had Simba nearly die twice, the hyena trio go missing in action, and Zazu almost chopped into a million pieces. …Wow, this stampede thing is going better than expected!

Writer: Um, not exactly, sir… Some of the wildebeest strayed off-course and are now actually trampling equipment in the studio. You never really said what specific direction to run in; the _bulk_ of them are going straight but-

Director: _waves it off_ Hyenas 1, 2, and 3 can take care of that.

Writer: …No…they're behind the set devouring our lighting director. _through a window in the background, 3 anonymous hyenas can be seen mauling a stagehand_

Director: _buries his face in his hands_ Why me?

_Mufasa and Scar skid down to a ledge overlooking the gorge, both distraughtly searching the area for Simba; Zazu soon flies up to the two of them_

Zazu: _pointing_ There! There, on that tree! _view from the ledge of Simba still trying to cling to the branch; view of Mufasa looking horrified_

Mufasa: Hold on Simba! _right after he says that a wildebeest collides with the tree, nearly causing Simba to lose his grip, he cries in horror, and his father immediately sets into the sea of wildebeest after him_

Zazu: Oh Scar this is awful! _view of Zazu panicking and Scar just pleasingly taking it all in_

Scar: Much like your acting. _Zazu halts in mid-flight_

Zazu: I beg your-

Scar: Don't apologize to me, apologize to the director for wasting his trivial time.

Zazu: _very__ offended_ If anyone's to do some apologizing it's-

Director: Oh just shut him up!

Scar: With pleasure. _knocks him into a wall_

Director: _sigh_ If only we could do that with you… Ok, revive him so we can do this right. _the writer and marker man give him silent glances_ …Right, nobody's here but us three. Ok, CPR time.

Marker Guy and Director: NOT IT!

Writer: Not-! …I should've worked for Pixar…

_A disturbing situation later…_

Director: Next take!

_view of Zazu panicking and Scar just pleasingly taking it all in, until Zazu starts panicking_

Zazu: What'll we do, what'll we DO! _he looks at the bird neutrally until he says_ Oh, I'll go back for help! _Scar's lip curls_ That's what I'll do, I'll go back for-

_Scar eats him_

Director and Writer: NO!

Director: Bad lion! Spit 'im out!

_Scar pretends to be oblivious to what the director wants and smirks_

Scar: _full mouth_ Mmmph?

Director: Right now Scar! Or I'll have your pay docked tenfold! _Scar chuckles, motioning to the Writer _…What?

Writer: Apparently he has stock with a lot of other non-Disney companies.

Director: You traitor!

Zazu: _beak poking out_ He's just attempted to kill his brother and nephew and you merely brand him as "traitorous"…AND FAIL TO SAVE ME YET!

Director: _sighs_ I hate having to use this thing. _brings out large gun; Scar's eyes widen and he spits Zazu out; the director doesn't notice and shoots it anyway…out the window: a large projectile heads up toward the sky, and explodes to reveal a strange symbol_

Nala: The Nala signal!

Director: Right. Say do your mutant powers include super strength or laser vision? 'Cause Scar here could use-

Nala: Actually all that radioactivity finally deluded out.

Director: Drat. …Aw well, looks like he spit out Zazu without the need for any pre-teen-supergirl-justice. Back to the scene!

Zazu: What'll we do, what'll we DO! _he looks at the bird neutrally until he says_ Oh, I'll go back for help! _Scar's lip curls_ That's what I'll do, I'll go back for- _"Oomph"'s as Scar whacks him into a ledge, Zazu falls, out cold_

_Meanwhile Mufasa is still navigating his way through the wildebeest, trying to save his son while at the same time trying not to die himself, view of Mufasa within the herd of wildebeest, and Simba dangling onto life above it, Mufasa does a highly-impressive sliding maneuver under a wildebeest just inches before being trampled, and heads toward the tree, a passing wildebeest knocks him down, and he looks up in time to see another one break the tree, sending Simba flying with a cry, Mufasa leaps up to catch him and…misses by a hair. Simba goes rolling into the stampede._

Mufasa: Simba! _dives in after him_

Scar: _grins_ This is going better than expected.

Banzai: Says you! I'm still hungry! _the film cuts out yet another time, before going back to the scene_

Director: Next take!

_Mufasa leaps up and catches him in his mouth in the nick of time; cut to view of Scar skulking on a small ledge, carefully watching it all unfold; as he is running a wildebeest crashes into Mufasa and with a surprised roar he drops Simba, who quickly gets up, dodging wildebeest while frantically looking for his dad, who shows up ahead and grabs him just before another wildebeest trips and skids up fullscreen…the camera angle quickly tilts backward_

Director: GRAB THE CAMERA! _several employees rush forward and try to clutch it, but they fail and the lens cracks as it hits the ground; however, through the cracks, it reveals some employees emerging from a closet_

Stagehand #1: Phew! I thought we'd never get away from those hyenas!

Stagehand #2: Yeah, lucky thing we-_ the surviving stagehands are crushed by the still-stampeding wildebeest_

Director: …You gotta admit, they really are committed to the role.

Writer: What about the last stagehand who died?

Director: _waves it off_ That's what life insurance is for. On with the scene! We'll just cut from when the camera starts to fall back.

_Mufasa finally finds a cliff and leaps to it, settling his son down to safety…just before he is caught by another wildebeest and roars as he is dragged back into the herd_

Simba: Daaaad! _Mufasa hits the ground hard; Simba fearfully looks on from the cliff, searching the body of wildebeests for his dad, for a moment he sees only stampede, and the camera zooms closer with every cut back from the herd to him still seeking out his father; finally, after a few agonizing seconds, Mufasa leaps from the herd with a roar and latches onto the cliff beside his son; it is steep, so he uses every bit of his strength to grip on and climb up_

Writer: Uh, director, was this part of the scene?

Director: No, um, actually. It ended with him getting trampled to death—this guy is good! _they see Scar on the top of the ledge_

Writer: Looks like he has an excellent counterpart…

_Simba, relieved to see his father is ok, heads up the cliff to meet him at the top, meanwhile, Mufasa has nearly reached the top of the cliff, he digs in his claws as he barely holds on, he looks up in desperation_

Mufasa: Scar! _view of Scar looking over him impassively, Mufasa nearly falls as he digs his claws in again, his terrified gaze moves upward_ Brother, _back view of him dangling off the cliff and his brother standing there without emotion_ help me! _Scar gazes at him without pity…unaware to the mouse riding Norman atop the cliff behind him in the background; they sit down and the mouse happily nibbles some cheese as Norman catches another fly next to him_

Director: HEY! …Hey, mousey! _they look back_

Mouse: My name's Timothy.

Director: You're in the shot! This takes the dramatics out of everything!

Timothy: What dramatics? There's a mattress on a landing right there—Mufasa's in no real danger.

Director: That's not what the audience will think! _we catch a small glimpse of Scar chortling to himself_ And what's so funny?

Scar: Oh, just your piteous, delusional grip on reality; same as always.

Director: We're almost done people, let's try to make this dramatic! Ac…wait, _glances up at the cliff, Scar looks back curiously as well, and upon seeing __him__, Timothy shrieks and scampers out of the way, Norman scuttles after him_ Action!

Mufasa: Scar! _view of Scar looking over him impassively, Mufasa nearly falls as he digs his claws in again, his terrified gaze moves upward_ Brother, _back view of him dangling off the cliff and his brother standing there without emotion_ help me! _Scar gazes at him without pity, Mufasa's legs scrape the cliff underneath him, and in one swift move Scar digs his claws into Mufasa's paws, Mufasa roars in pain and looks up at his brother, confused and horrified; Scar looms and grins evilly_

Scar: _a set effect making his voice echo_ Long live the king… _he releases him_

_Mufasa falls with a scream which is mingled with his son's who has just reached the top of the cliff, seeing his father plummet to the earth and the raging stampede_

Simba: NOOOOOOOOOO! _zooming out as Simba cries, then cut to him leaping down the gorge wall again as the very last of the herd finally stampedes into the distance_

Random stagehand: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MATTRESS WE PUT DOWN?

* * *

Timon: _standing in front of a vending machine backstage and rubbing his chin_ Hmm…should I get the Beetle Truffle, or the Caterpillar Crunch? _glances over his shoulder_ Hey Pumbaa what do y-…Pumbaa? _sees his warthog friend is upset_ Pumbaa! What's the matter, buddy?

Pumbaa: It's just _sniffles, blowing into a blue hankey_ this next scene…it always tears me up.

Timon: Oh, yeah… Hey, I know what could make you feel better!

Pumbaa: _looking up in hope_ Really?

Timon: Do I! Why don'tcha lend your ol' pal Timon 5 bucks? _…sees Pumbaa giving him a look_ What? I know, it's a rip-off, but I NEED a June-bug candy bar! …Well if you know a better way for me to get 5 dollars I'd like to hear it!

Pumbaa: What about all that money you've been making off this drive-in scheme?

Timon: Well…a good chunk of it kinda went to this vending machine. Oh, and my brand-new helicopter! _pulls a remote from behind his back and pushes a button; a large crate collapses to reveal an even bigger chopper…in the shape of the meerkat's head_ Not too shabby, huh? Might even make a great escape just in case you know who get wind of the situation.

_Meanwhile…_

_view of Gituku and T looking at menus in a semi-casual restaurant_

Gituku: Would you relax? You saw him climb out of that rubble.

T: That would've took a lot of energy. What if Banzai collapsed?

Gituku: He lived a good life. …He lived a life. …He lived. _Banzai suddenly bursts through the doorway, badly roughed up, but alive_ There, he's fine. _T warily watches as he drags himself to their table, Gituku could care less _NOW can you chill out? _Banzai cuts in front of his vision, breathing heavily in what could be rage or exhaustion_ Nice of you to join us Ban-Ban, but this is kind of a private-

Banzai: _on the brink of eruption_ Gituku, I am gonna f-

Waitress: _walks up_ Hello, my name is Tammy, I'll be your server for this evening. Can I start you off with some drinks?

T: _noticing Banzai has the tire iron behind his back_ Uh…

Gituku: This place serves alcohol, right?

Waitress: Awww, it's so nice of you to take your little sister out. _Banzai suddenly cools down as Gituku gawks_

Gituku: _Sister?_

Banzai: _pointing_ Ha!

* * *

…Sorry if it sucked, I've been away for too long. Thanks to Jagabor and Kovukono for the comedic help once again. And sorry about the…yeah, no more year-over marks for me. And if there are you may flame me contemptuously.


End file.
